happy birthday

Today is my birthday!! 26 years young/old, beautiful, brave, and strong.

Last night I celebrated with a 2 1/2 hour long massage and a super hot threesome. What better way?? For reals- it was truly the best.

It’s a low key birthday this year, and that is just fine with me. It reflects how I’ve been feeling- a little more introverted and quiet. I’m resting. Things are changing at deep levels, and it’s a slow and sometimes painful process. I’ve set an intention for my year: that my internal emotional world is changing for the better. That I will start to feel, think, and act more loving toward myself and those around me. That the value of universal love will consume my being and my relationships with others. That fear and competitiveness and anger will fall to the sidelines of my experience. I feel confident and hopeful that the steps I’ve begun to take have already begun to take me to where I want to go.

Hopefully tonight J and I will watch the newest episode of Game of Thrones, and then we’re seeing some best friends tomorrow for dinner. We’re painting on Saturday and then having a formal birthday dinner together. It all sounds lovely and peaceful. I’m so grateful to be where I am and to have all of the support around me that I do, and a place to call home and a partner that I love and loves me too.

What Does it Mean to Be Monogamous?

I was reading my friend’s recent blog post (Question: Can being monogamish help you be monogamous?) and it inspired this post. Thanks Lo! :)

I think it is worth taking some power away from language at times, and in the case of “monogamy” and “monogamous,” it’s time to share the power. Why does the word hold so much weight and meaning and emotion? That’s obviously a long conversation that gets into religion, patriarchy, purity, virginity, etc. But why does it still have to hold that kind of weight?

We were talking with some friends recently about whether choosing to have a nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship is actually devolving from monogamy- whether somehow we might be giving up an evolved aspiration to be monogamous. My response to that train of thought is generally: humans are rarely “monogamous,” and over the course of time that humans have been around, I don’t think our species has ever been largely monogamous. And yet the word remains and gets thrown around with so much importance.

In order to take away some of its power, I think it would be helpful to talk about monogamy in different ways. Here are some different definitions that I have read, heard of, thought of. Some of these overlap/mean the same thing:

-Monogamous: one sexual partner for life

-Socially monogamous: a couple presents as sexually/romantically/emotionally monogamous to their larger community but in practice has other partners, rules, boundaries, etc.

-Emotionally monogamous: a couple retains certain boundaries around their emotional and romantic connection, but leaves the door open for other sexual partners/encounters

-Sexually monogamous: a couple retains sexual exclusivity, although they may have leeway for developing deep emotional relationships with other people

-Serial monogamy: one sexual/romantic partner at a time

-Monogamish: a couple behaves monogamously most of the time, with exceptions given for certain behaviors/events (a once-a-year threesome, traveling out of town one night stand, etc.)

The interesting thing to me about the term “monogamish” (coined by Dan Savage) is that it offers the privileges of monogamy to couples and helps couples retain couple privilege while also allowing them to explore the expansiveness of nonmonogamy, albeit with many limitations. I don’t know how I feel about that privilege piece, from a macro perspective. It gives me a similar feeling as those who are bisexual and choose not to come out because, since they are partnered to someone of the opposite gender, don’t have to. To essentially practice nonmonogamy and yet retain the privileges of a monogamously presenting couple is troubling- when will we all realize how many of us don’t fit into the mainstream ideal of a lifelong Disney relationship? And when will nonmonogamy become more mainstream? Perhaps “monogamish” relationships are part of how nonmonogamy will enter the mainstream, though- maybe it’s just what the nonmonogamous community needs to become more respected and recognized. What do you think?

In terms of the question that my friend received on her blog- what do you think? Can practicing “a little” nonmonogamy help you stay monogamous? Is that even possible? Can you really consider yourself monogamous if you aren’t really practicing monogamy? I think this is where the term “social monogamy” is helpful, although I don’t really know :)

Social Work, Sex Work, Students

It’s been simmering in my head for a little over a week now:

I got into my MSW program!

I feel relieved, tired, and gritty thinking about it. More school. And this time, part time school with full time work- something I’ve never done before. But this is important to me, and I feel like my life keeps pushing me toward this experience.

I posted a link last week to Tits and Sass piece on social workers who work with students sex workers, and this week I want to post a link to a Huffington Post interview that was done with the woman who works as the sex worker advocate at the Women’s Resource Center at Portland State (where I’ll be going for my MSW), and with two anonymous student sex workers. I haven’t even had the chance to watch the full thing, but it was encouraging to know that the interviewer asked the workers what their ideal questions would be- at least we had a chance to set the tone for the interview. (I wanted to participate but had to work- darn it!)

On Campus: Life as a College Sex Worker

(Try not to read the asinine comments. Or if you do, leave something intelligible to counter them! Ha)

I am encouraged and heartened about the culture of PSU’s MSW program: there is a sex worker advocate in the WRC, a few fairly out sex workers in the program, and at least one professor who has been supportive of student sex workers. I don’t know for sure if I’ll be coming out or not in the program, but at least it feels like a safe possibility.

Patting myself on the back. Now time for sleep so I can do this 9-5 thang.

Sexy Storytelling

I had a Skype meeting last night with one of the producers of our local Mystery Box storytelling shows, and I am excited to work on two stories for them!

I told a narrative of my experience with school and stripping, but I also really want to work on one about the birthday gift that I did for J a couple years ago (the gangbang film).

Eric gave me some good feedback about how to structure the story.

Start with a beginning scene, add some narrative, describe another scene, add some narrative, describe another scene, etc.

Describing the moments that were particularly emotional and difficult to explain why for me this situation was so challenging.

Give the audience a flavor of who I am as a whole person before saying I’m a stripper.

This story is emotional for me and brings up a lot of vulnerability, and while this will draw an audience in, it also teeters on making me want to stand on my soapbox about sex worker rights which could alienate audience members.

The gangbang story is lighthearted and fun- a much different tone and intention.

In any case, I am excited about working on these and hopefully telling one or both sometime in the future!

Do you have any sexy stories you would ever share publicly like this? Maybe you should get in touch with Eric & Reba yourself! Or share here anonymously if the whole “standing in front of a bunch of strangers and talking about it” sounds a little intimidating (it does to me, too) :)

storytelling

An Insider’s Guide to Hotwifing and Cuckolding

I wrote a post for DatingAdvice on hotwifing and cuckolding :)

Check it out!

An Insider’s Guide to Hotwifing and Cuckolding

My conclusion:

“Consider this:

Most of the new readers to my blog have arrived there because they were searching for things like “hotwifing,” “hotwife lifestyle” and “hotwife,” and my most popular posts are those on the subject.

Subreddits formed around the topic are flooded with conversation. Fetlife groups catered to the community are huge.

Search the M4MW on the casual encounters section of Craigslist and you’ll likely see a sizable group of people looking for encounters. Hotwife and cuckold porn are also common.

I think it’s taboo for men to admit they are turned on thinking about their girlfriends or wives having sex with someone else. Common worries, fears and questions I have heard include, “Does it mean they are less of a man? Or they have penis envy? Or they are gay?”

Breaking down those fears means breaking down cultural messages and assumptions related to gender identity, sexual orientation and patriarchy.

Similarly, it may be difficult for women to understand a male partner’s fascination with hotwifing or cuckolding, especially if she adheres to messages related to monogamy.

In any case, if you are turned on thinking about a partner of yours getting it on with another guy, please know you are not alone!

I think this fantasy and turn-on is probably one of the most common out there, and it is possible to explore it safely (emotionally, physically, sexually) both in your imagination and with a willing partner.”

Hump Day Links

Amazing Color Pictures of Showgirls’ Life at Nightclub, New York, 1958

The amazing Belle Knox at it again: I Don’t Want Your Pity: Sex Work and Labor Politics

(I’ve had a loyal friend and reader suggest I write something about Belle’s experience with being outed and all of the media around it. It’s been simmering in the back of my mind for a while. I’m going to try to write about it soon.)

Ukraine Got Talent – The world’s best pole dancer – Anastasia Sokolova

In the same vein: Steven Retchless- Pole Art 2013

This app looks amazing. Can’t personally vouch for it as I haven’t used it, but the idea of a safety planning tool is really rad: Kitestring

Many body positive, love your body photo sites (Tumblr, Pinterest). I am loving this one, and this one, and this one.

your body universe

bikini body