Sexual Agreements

A good friend sent me a book about a month ago, and I’m almost done with it: Sexual Agreements by Amara Charles. (I haven’t found it online, which is why there isn’t a link to it). However, Amara’s website is here.

I’ll post a full review once I’m done reading it (probably next Friday), but here are my initial impressions and responses to the book:

-I appreciate her unwavering focus on honesty, emotional boundaries, communication skills, and self awareness. All of these are essential in having positive conversations about sexual needs, desires, and preferences.

-I also appreciate that her book seems to be built on the idea that two people in a relationship deserve to be sexually compatible, and thus deserve to have honest conversations with each other about their sexual identities.

-She has really particular ideas about what open relationships are, and even mentions at what point that “there isn’t a word to describe being involved with more than one person” (something along those lines)…. I’m pretty sure that there are dozens of words to describe those different kinds of relationships. So far, I have only seen her reference or discuss open relationships that are built on a primary dyad in which each person only has casual sex with other people.

-She offers excellent questions for self reflection and reflection with a partner surrounding comfort levels, jealousy, and what kinds of agreements make sense for you.

Next week I would like to offer my favorite passages with further thoughts. :) Let me know if you have read it, or her other book The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka, and what your thoughts are!

Happy Friday!

Using Craigslist Safely

In light of this awful piece of news, I wanted to offer some advice on using Craigslist safely when looking for sexy encounters.

Basic technology and online dating safety considerations also apply to using Craigslist. Here are the guidelines J and I use. Abiding by any set of rules are honestly probably not going to keep you safe from sociopaths, but they will help you feel at ease when meeting strangers. Meeting strangers off of Tinder or Craigslist or Grindr or any other online platforms is risky, but most people are not sociopaths (and, honestly, every time you leave the house poses some sort of risk!). Even so, minimizing risk to your health and well being is a good idea.

1. Use an email address that is not connected to your legal identity. Set up your profile name as different than your legal one, and don’t use your last name. Craigslist at least now assigns a craigslist email to every user; you have to intentionally swap real email addresses with those you are corresponding with.

2. If you are sending racy photos, I recommend sending naked photos that don’t include your face. If you want to send photos with your face, you can blur out your face or use a black bar to cover your eyes. When J and I send photos, we have one album of racy photos with no faces, and one album of just our faces so that the two aren’t immediately connected.

3. Be cautious when sending videos. We have primarily shared videos with friends we already know pretty well. Once, we were chatting with someone who answered an ad of ours and “she” really wanted to see a video I had made. We ended up sending it to her through Google Drive, and then deleting it about six hours later. It’s possible the person downloaded it in that amount of time; I don’t think I would share a video again with someone I hadn’t yet met in person.

4. Think about using Google Voice as a second phone number. You can receive this number at your regular cell phone, but as long as it doesn’t become your phone number through your carrier, I don’t think it can be tracked in the same way. You can choose whatever area code you want.

5. When planning to meet potential dates off of Craigslist, meet somewhere public and preferably in an area that you are familiar with. Tell at least one person where you are going and when you think you will be home. Have your buddy text or call you at a prearranged time to check in with you. Have a safety plan in place that your buddy can enact if they can’t get in touch with you (calling the police would probably be a good move).

6. You know what they say about first impressions? I think it’s true: J and I usually know within a a millisecond whether we trust or basically like someone, or whether we don’t. Trust your gut and your instincts. Know that there are plenty of potential dates out there and don’t ignore your instincts in favor of a potentially sexy time. (This also applies to the nice person-jerk spectrum, and not just to those you think could potentially physically hurt you)

7. If you decide to go with somewhere after meeting in public, I recommend another more public place if you can, like a swingers club or hotel. Having more people increases your safety. If you decide to bring someone back to your place or if you decide to go to theirs, have separate modes of transportation and let your buddy know what’s going on. If you’re going to their place, send your buddy the address.

8. If the energy changes, your skin crawls, or your hair stands up when you get back to the place of residence, once again trust yourself. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings; your physical safety is far more important.

Stay safe, have fun!

Any other pieces of advice that you want to share?

Beach Time

We went to the nude beach together. It was our first time at this beach, it was our first time together. We held hands, soft skin on soft skin. Fingers tracing the inside of wrists, elbows, lower backs.

We are laying next to each other. The sky is crazy blue, the beach rocky, the air softly warm (or warmly soft). You give me a back rub with coconut oil, rubbing my back tenderly and gently. We kiss for the first time, and how long I’ve waited. Your lips are soft and full, your breasts firm, your legs strong. I just want you to wrap yourself around me completely and never let go.

I want so desperately to touch and grab your tits and your ass and feel your pussy, even just for a second. But there are people around, and we are both nervous to do more.

I am massaging your lower abdomen and feel for just a second… your pussy is dripping wet. And I can’t take it. I slide one, then two, fingers inside and your moan in my ear. We keep glancing around- there are other groups on the other side of the brush surrounding our spot. I finger you harder and harder, rub your clit just how you like it. You are trying so hard to stay quiet but you are moaning and sighing louder than before. I finger you in waves depending on if we see anyone coming. It keeps you from coming all at once, although you’d like to. And then you do, and your sigh is ecstasy.

I want you on top of me. I want to feel your pussy on my pussy. I want to see your tits bouncing above me. I want to get on top of you and hold your neck tight and make you come hard.

I want to fuck you on the beach again.

Queer Models, Weddings, Pussy

My fave links this past week:

I love me some queer hot mamis: 20 Out Models We Love

Guess which kind of wedding J and I had: Every Wedding You Will Ever Attend: A Field Guide

The next video in asking strangers to do stuff with each other; I can’t help but love it: The Director Behind the “First Kiss” Video Is Back with “Undress Me”

I personally want one of her pussy phone covers. And I hope the attention brought to her arrest helps bring the irony to light: Japanese Artist Megumi Igarashi Arrested for 3D Printed Artwork Based on Her Vagina (nsfw)

On explicit, proactive communication, invisible fences, and fuzzy landmines: How to (not) trip/blow up poly relationships | SoloPoly

And, for those of you into reading academic-y, philosophical things related to sex, relationships, identity, and sex work: Philosophy of Sex

Sleep Deprivation

But worth it!! Right?!

I’m sure I’ll crash this week or next but this past week was full of:

Dancing, having friends come visit, and making money honey

Naked beach time with some good friends after work for an evening picnic

Step-by-step canvas painting class with one of my lovelies (picture below!) I do believe mine came out so pretty because it was a group effort. Both my friend and the teacher for our class helped me fix a number of things, haha.

Book of Mormon! It was horribly offensive… and hysterical.

Traveling down to southern OR and CA to see family! This is the first time since I started my job that I took time off! Three whole days this week! :D We got to see/are seeing my parents, and J’s parents, grandparents, sisters and brothers, our new baby nephew, and his uncle and wife and two daughters. Very full of family. I’m sure we’ll be ready to come home on Wednesday, just like we were ready to get out of Portland last Friday. We are also seeing J’s good friend and his girlfriend (my CA girlfriend!) and my fantasies just won’t stop…

IMG_20140716_211951_336

*my favorite word I wrote on mine (on the right) was fearless but it was cut off in the picture

Happy happy Monday :)

Successful Relationships

How do expectations and assumptions drive your relationships?

What do you mean when you say “relationship”? Are you referring to any kind of connection with another person? Do you specifically mean a relationship marked by a romantic and sexual connection, or if not romantic/sexual, an intimate one?

How do you know if that relationship is “successful”? Is it made successful by time? Marked by a level of intensity or commitment? Marked by shared interests or goals? Does success hinge on change?

And what do intimate relationships look like for you? Do you prefer them to be daily connections, or is it okay if they appear and reappear once a week or once a month or once a year? How do you decide when a relationship is a Relationship? Is it made by formal commitment? Does a certain level of intimacy have to exist?

Expectations and assumptions can, in my opinion, sour even the best of intentions. Having a clear understanding of what you want relationships to look and feel like, and communicating that understanding to you partners is essential. Releasing your desires and understandings will support you even further in maintaining a sense of flexibility.

expectations

Labor

The new club I am working at is proving to be well worth my time. While the shifts are an hour longer, my ability to work nights has been lucrative. There are a lot of bar regulars, but there have also been many customers willing to dole out the money. For some reason, it’s like I realize again and again once I get to the club that it’s work, and being able to take advantage of that flow of cash has been extremely helpful the past six months.

My focus on stripping as labor also has become clear when I am talking to customers who want to date outside of the club- which I have had happen much more often at this new place. Trying to gently decline while still maintaining their interest in spending money is really tricky. Customers who come in and try to pick up strippers is not unusual- strip clubs are places of fantasy and hope. But I’m still dumbfounded when it happens. Why do you think I’m here? So I can meet dates? Ha, no. The unwillingness of customers, or maybe just the naivete (although I doubt it), to see strippers as workers just boggles my mind. But again, that is part of building and maintaining fantasy: customers know that they must pay money in order to enjoy strippers’ performances, company, and more intimate/private interactions, but many also seem in denial that there is a flow of money and exchange facilitated by money and want to believe that if the money exchange stops the sexual exchange would continue.

In other sex work-y news, my first support group went well! We had a nice mix of workers (three people, who have danced, escorted, and done web-based and phone-based work) and our brainstorming for topics was fun. Safety planning, financial planning, legal rights, self care, activism, and networking/building community all came up. I’m excited to see how this group forms up.

Recent news that I wanted to share, too:

Nicolas Kristof’s Sweatshop Boner

I love love love Tits and Sass. Their Week in Links post are great and totally packed with other sex worker related news. Check it out!