I am a good looking, single, fit, down to earth guy that wants to be more involved in the swinging lifestyle. I find it hard as a single male though. Can you give me any advice?
I can try! As a partnered female, I definitely have a different experience in the swinging community than a single male (most likely) does. Here are my thoughts:
Put yourself out there: Use lifestyle sites (examples: SwingLifestyle, Lifestyle Lounge, Lust Lab, Kasidie; there are tons of sites, and many of them geography-specific), Craigslist, and other online resources that you are comfortable with. Use the profile to demonstrate your intelligence, sense of humor, charm, sense of adventure, desires, and fantasies. Post pictures that truly represent yourself (remember, you will meet people eventually and you don’t want to have posted photos from a decade ago). Show up to in-person events if you have them in your area (clubs, parties, and other social gatherings). This is an especially great way to get to know people in your local swing community. If you live in a small area, take advantage of the community online to begin exploring and meeting other swingers. Cultivate your social skills, which leads to…
Respect relationships, boundaries, and rules: Respect the couple’s relationship. You are not there to “replace” the male partner, make up for any of his inadequacies, or break them up; quite the opposite. Communicate with potential playmates about their rule and boundaries. These could include sexual boundaries like no kissing, no penetration, or recent STI testing. These could also include relationship boundaries like no phone calls or dates. Or they might include logistical boundaries like play dates only happen at parties or clubs, or only every other Friday. It is important to know what you are getting yourself into so that you can make an informed choice as to whether you will be satisfied (sexually, emotionally, etc.) interacting with potential partners.
This also includes other common points of etiquette, like:
-Always ask before touching, and
-”No” means “no”
Expand your sense of sexual intelligence & sex positivity: This means learning about and keeping an open mind about different sexual behaviors, expressions, acts, and different erotic activities. You don’t have to be into them (or even understand them), but it is important to stay open-minded. This is especially important when you are mingling within a sexually open and adventurous crowd. Also, swinging is a pretty heteronormative space (for males); that is, while female bisexuality is highly encouraged and admired, men are not given the same space to explore same sex sexual activity. (I think this is my single biggest gripe with swinger spaces. What the hell is so threatening about men exploring their sexuality? I know so many women that find it incredibly hot. I think men police each other, à la internalized homophobia. Just my little bit of ranting and theorizing.) Even though (male) heteronormativity is the norm, I would highly encourage you to examine your own comfort levels and desires around same sex interactions. I would encourage you to reach a space where you are truly comfortable being naked around other naked men (who wants to be uncomfortable in a group sex scenario, especially if you are intentionally putting yourself in those situations?). What I am really trying to say is: homophobic attitudes are not cool. Don’t be homophobic, even if you don’t want to engage in any kind of sexual activity with another guy. Be an ally, and be open to the fact that some men are heteroflexible (will play with other men if it’s right and fun for them), some are bisexual to varying degrees, and some are gay. Be respectful. Respect is sexy.
Become familiar with MFMs, gangbangs, and hotwifing: These are common configurations when couples add in single males. MFMs are threesomes with two men. Gangbangs are single female-multiple male encounters. Hotwifing may involved the women’s male partner present or not, but regardless of his presence, you should remember that hotwifing implicitly involve a hot husband. Generally speaking (but not always), these configurations involve you being naked with other men around, who are often naked themselves. Also, it may be interesting for you to read up a little on sperm competition so that you can understand some of the possible reasoning behind why multiple male encounters can be such a huge turn-on for men. I know a couple of single men who truly, genuinely enjoy being the third to a couple in sexual encounters; they are turned on most by experiences with couples, and thus have a lot of success in having hot encounters. They are able to explain their desires clearly and genuinely, and have ideas themselves about positions, behaviors, and activities that they want to try with a couple. There is definitely a difference between a guy that just wants to get laid and will settle for playing with a couple so he can have sex with a girl, and a guy that actually enjoys the group sex dynamic that playing with a couple (or a group) creates.
Remember you are a whole person and deserve to be treated with respect: Traditional swingers tend to focus on sexual encounters and shy away from emotional intimacy. “Progressive swingers” tend to desire some level of friendship to accompany sexual intimacy. Think about what sounds best to you, and experiment with different encounters to find the right mix of sexual and emotional intimacy for you. It is important to remember that many partnered (traditional) swingers find that swinging kicks their partnered sex life into overdrive, and so other partners they have may fulfill fantasies or desires. This can, I think, be a double-edged sword: you may find it very hot to be the single person that adds some serious heat to a couple’s sex life, and you may also feel somewhat discarded after the encounter is over. I think it is really important to know why you want to be involved in the very couple-centric swinging community, so that you are emotionally and/or mentally guarded against unintentional hurt. And remember that regardless of the situation, you deserve to ask for a sexually satisfying experience and be treated with respect.
Does anyone else have any good pointers for single men in the swinging community?