Dear My Partner’s Parents:
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I am sorry that our coming out to you activated such a deep and intense network of past hurt, pain, betrayal, and deceit. My mom keeps telling me, “Hurt people hurt- they hurt themselves and they hurt others. They are in pain.” It’s not an excuse for your behavior, but it definitely provides context for what you are saying and how you are acting, and for managing my own negative reactions to your reaction.
This is what happens when people aren’t able to reconcile their hurt, whether it’s from when they were 1 year old or 2 or 5 or 10 or 17 or 20 or 25 or 32 or last week. And the reasons are numerous- you didn’t have time, money, access to mental health services, support from family, messaging you needed to “suck it up,” internal belief systems that you deserve hurt or dissatisfaction or that life is supposed to be hard, messaging that you have to stick it out in your marriage because of X, Y, or Z. Regardless, the consequences of a lifetime of hurt spill out and ripple out and touch those around you. Like a bandage being ripped off of a wound that never healed- the skin never healed, and the blood comes rushing. But no one can help you, because you lash out like a defensive creature, hurting everyone else around you, and ultimately, you are left with no one but yourself.
This is amazingly difficult for me. I am giving up my image of being part of your family and what that looks like and feels like. I am giving up the idea that I am a loved and supported member of your family. I am giving up the idea that you are two people in my support network. I am giving up the idea that our party in just a couple of weeks will be filled with people who love and support both of us and our relationship. Instead, I am doing my best to envision other possibilities: that I will now be misunderstood, blamed for all wrongdoing, blamed for not loving your son enough and for not being committed to him and for not seeing him as “enough” for me and for not being “enough” for him, demonized and othered as a freak and idiot. That I will no longer be part of your holiday traditions and other family get-togethers. That a few of our guests at our commitment ceremony and celebration will bring with them a cloud of negative, black energy- a swarm that sees our relationship as doomed to fail in tragic divorce.
Because I am in no place to communicate with you (you don’t want to understand me, and I am not going to agree with you that I am wrong and bad), here are some things that I wish I could relay:
First, congratulations on the upcoming commitment ceremony!
To read about this intimate side of your relationship seems somewhat voyeuristic, but I guess that was taken into consideration before starting this blog.
I wanted to let you know that even though I don't know the two of you, you make me proud that you are being true to yourselves. That is very hard to do and it will be rewarding in the future. You represent people who make similar life choices with grace and humility.
For us, one of the aspects we had to communicate was that as a couple we explored every possible pitfall that we could think of before we took our first step. Sometimes it seems that people think that this was done on a lark or in a drunken moment.
We have lost friends over this, but I can't imagine losing parents. I hope J is doing okay and processing this as well.
Good luck and know that there are two people out there wishing you nothing but the best.
M & M