Our Party!

I’m very thankful for this blog as a way to make sure I keep track of relationship-y things… definitely including our Party!

It was really just a fabulous time. We got down to southern Oregon on Wednesday very late, and we both were so excited to see our friends and family. Thursday we took an easy day and were able to spend time with my family, extended family, and some of J’s extended family. Dinner, frozen yogurt.. we also met with our photographer, who was great and also kind of a nut. Friday I spent the afternoon with our woman Friends of Honor (my sister and her GF, my cousin, my two best friends from high school, my mom) getting our nails done. I thought I was going to cry when I saw my friends from high school- I hadn’t seen either of them in over two years! They’re just the same, but older, doing more adult things in their day-to-day. I love them so much.

That night we had our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and it was so fabulous. I am so glad that J and I made the decision to tell our officiant (the minister I grew up with) about our relationship last summer, because his extra remarks about our independence and strength and bravery were really special and moving to me. He is such an energetic and peaceful person, and it felt amazing to have him speak as our officiant. I was pretty nervous all Friday evening interacting with J’s parents and sister and brother-in-law; I had a stomachache the whole time and felt a little on edge, but I interacted with them minimally and did my best staying focused on everyone else there. It was pretty loving to experience that his parents and sister behaved politely and mostly warmly towards us.

That night we went to clothing optional hot springs with our fabulous sexy friends, J’s men Friends of Honor and couple of their partners, J’s brother, and J’s sister and brother-in-law. I definitely got naked, which was an interesting choice. I had a lot of fun, but I don’t know if J’s sister and brother-in-law did. (I can’t control if they did or not! But I know it was an interesting layer on top of everything else- ie them finding out about our relationship.)

J and I stayed together at the fancy hotel in downtown both Friday and Saturday night, and it was really nice to have a space completely to ourselves to relax in. I woke up early Saturday morning for hair time- the woman who cut my hair from infancy traveled up to Oregon from California to do my hair and all of the other girls’! It was really fun. It was a great way to spend more time with all the girls, and to catch up with my hair lady!

Photos started midday, and I just love that. I am such a ham, and I had so much fun with our whole group dorking around town. We walked down through town, into the park, playing around trees and on jungle gyms and in fountains. We arrived at the park about 45 minutes prior to the ceremony, drank water, said hello to guests arriving (a couple of old college friends, former supervisors from college, and other people we hadn’t seen in forever! AND several of our lovely sexy friends!)… and it also gave me time to get nervous. I was having performance anxiety!! The thought of being in front of so many people, having them witness something so personal, private, and vulnerable made me nervous. Right before J and I walked in together we held hands and he helped me shake the nervousness out. (Thanks lover boy!)

And the ceremony was beautiful. I am so proud of the words we chose.

Afterwards: more photos, and so much socializing. It was so great!!

The food was fabulous. Mexican buffet, delicious cupcakes. The band was totally rockin’. We danced so much! I felt like I was going to throw up at one point. Yes, it was that good. Ha!

I cried when it was time to say bye to my (long-distance) friends. Even though I don’t feel connected to my vanilla friends in the same way as I do to my sexy friends, we share a history and friendship that is important to me. And I miss them.

We spent the night after the reception with J’s guy friends, chatting in our hotel room. It was really fun. Despite our sexy friends’ and my woman friends’ best efforts of making our honeymoon suite sexy (flowers, relaxing music on an iPad, lube, chocolate, wine) we were both exhausted and were more satisfied with socializing with people we don’t get to see often enough.

We woke up the next day saying:

Let’s do that again!
That was pretty perfect.
I loved everything!
BEST PARTY EVER!!!


That’s the best, yeah?

And then the best honeymoon came! A trip to Glacier National Park for ten days, with the tail end in Canada (my first trip to Canada, wahoo!). We hiked our butts off, camped, stayed in historic lodges, and ate lots of pie and ice cream. Another fabulous experience for what I feel is a fabulous relationship.

Top 100 Blogs!

I just saw through some stats that this blog made it onto the Top 100 Blogs of 2012 on 100BestDatingSites.org. Under “Advice for Couples,” #77.  Whoo hoo!

I love the description:
“a couple blogs about their transition from monogamy to an open relationship and all of the bumps along the way. Warning: contains some adult topics.”

Haha, yeah it does! ;)

Safer Sex Advice

Gah, I haven’t been here in forever! Haha, not really… but we’ve had a lot going on! I have a post up and coming about our party and honeymoon (spoiler alert: it was the BEST!), but first:

My DA post on Safer Sex went live on August 11. Read it and make safer sex sexy! :) Here’s the end (make sure to read the rest!):

“When adding more sexual partners to the mix, it is important to communicate clearly with everyone about your sexual practices.
In my relationship with my primary partner, we have unprotected sex (I have an IUD that we rely on for birth control) and use male condoms for intercourse with all other partners.
We both get tested every three to four months for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV.
We make sure to get hard copies of our results in case any of our future partners want reassurance about our negative test results.
We both talk with any new partner about these practices and ask similar questions of them:

  • When were you last tested?
  • What were you tested for?
  • Who else are you involved with sexually?
  • What safer sex practices do you use with them?

From there, we are able to make an informed decision about what kind of sexual relationship we want and are comfortable with.
If I have a few different partners at any given time, I make sure to keep the lines of communication open, so if anyone has any questions about my safer sex practices with other people, I can talk about it.
Talking about safer sex practices can feel unsexy, but it gets easier and more natural with practice.
It’s important for your health, can help you relax with a new partner and shows you care about your partner’s health, too.
It’s the responsible and ethical thing to do if you do have a chronic STI, and it also demonstrates to any new partners that you care about and respect them enough to provide them with that kind of information.
How do you make safe sex sexy? How do you talk about it with your partner or partners? What tips can you offer to make the conversation more comfortable?”

Ceremony Outline

Our ceremony and party was fabulous. I will write a more complete post on the experience soon, but first I wanted to simply post our ceremony outline, as a resource for other looking to put together an open/poly friendly ceremony.

The Wedding of K and J
August 3, 2013
Processional- “Home”
           
           - Each Friend of Honor will walk in separately
- K & J will walk in together
Welcome/Opening Words/Introduction
Family and Friends, we have been invited here today to share with K and J a very important moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now we are gathered here to celebrate their love and life together.  And for them, it is very fluid and very alive.
           
In her book “Gift From the Sea” – American Author Annie Morrow Lindbergh         says:
“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. That is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships that we leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity – But the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.
The only real security is not in owning or possessing.  It is in not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even.
Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor in looking forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation.  Security lies in living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.
Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”
Family and Friends, J and K are so glad that you are here with them today as they celebrate their love, their life and their relationship.  The bravery, the honesty, the commitment to living with the ebb and flow of life that they bring to this moment – come from the love and support with which you have supported them over the years.  They appreciate so much what you have given them – and they honor also the many others, both living and dead, who have helped shape their lives.
Readings
To Love is Not to Possess – James Kavanaugh,
“To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one’s self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one’s self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another–and to one’s inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon’s own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child’s scars
Or an adult’s deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are–and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.”
            FromGifts from Eykis -Wayne Dyer
“Your love is located within you. It is yours to nurture and savor, to give to others in any way you choose. Love must be without qualifications or demands. You must learn to find ecstasy in other peoples happiness. Once you feel love for yourself, it is quite normal to give it away.”
From The Prophet -Kahlil Gibran
“Let there be space in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Song- “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”
Affirmation of Intentions
            J and K – I will now ask you to affirm your intentions in coming before us today.
            J – do you come here of your own free will to declare your commitment to Kas her very own person, to declare your commitment to your relationship to her as your partner, friend and lover, and to celebrate your commitment with beloved family and friends.
                        Response:  I do
            And do you promise to make this relationship a top priority in your life –
            doing the work through intentional and compassionate communication,
            to keep this relationship alive, positive and strong between you.
                        Response:  I do
            K – do you come here of your own free will to declare your commitment to Jas his very own person, to declare your commitment to your relationship to him as your partner, friend and lover, and to celebrate this commitment with beloved family and friends.
                        Response:  I do
            And do you promise to make this relationship a top priority in your life –
            doing the work through intentional and compassionate communication,
            to keep this relationship alive, positive and strong between you.
                        Response:  I do
Wedding Vows
Having so affirmed your intentions, I will ask you now to join hands and repeat your wedding vows.
            I, K take you, J, to be my friend, partner and lover and I take you to be no one other than yourself. Loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know, with respect for your integrity and with faith in your love for me, I promise to bring my very best to our relationship, through all our years together and in all that life may bring us.
            I, J take you, K, to be my friend, partner and lover and I take you to be no one other than yourself. Loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know, with respect for your integrity and with faith in your love for me, I promise to bring my very best to our relationship, through all our years together and in all that life may bring us.
Rings
May I now have the rings?
The ring is a circle, and the circle is the symbol of the sun and the earth and the universe, of wholeness, and perfection, and peace. The ring you give and receive this day is also the symbol and the circle of shared love into which you enter together.
J and K – as you wear these rings upon your finger and as you look at them throughout your life – may they always remind you of this day, this celebration of love, and this commitment to each other and your own best hearts.
Placing the Rings.
K, I J, give you this ring as a symbol of my love, my commitment to you and my commitment to the life we share together.
J, I K give you this ring as a symbol of my love, my commitment to you and my commitment to the life we share together.
Silence and Blessing
            Let us now pause for a moment and in silence just drink in the beauty and the   promise of these two young people.
Now hear these words of Reflection – From Psychologist Erich Fromm
“Can any of us really have love?
If we could, love would need to be a thing, a substance that we can have, own, possess.
But the truth is, there is no such thing as “love.” “Love” is an abstraction, perhaps a goddess or an alien being, although nobody has ever seen this goddess.
In reality, there exists only the act of loving. To love is a productive activity. It implies caring for, knowing, responding, affirming, enjoying: the person, the tree, the painting, the idea. Love means bringing someone or something to life, increasing his/her/its aliveness.
Love is a process, that is self-renewing and self-increasing. . .To say “I have a great love for you” is meaningless. Love is not a thing that we can have.  It is a process, an inner activity that we are the subject of. I can love, I can be in love, but in love I have . . .nothing. In fact, the less I have the more I can love.”
Jeffrey and Katie may you be the subject of a great love.  And may the love in your hearts give you joy. May the greatness of life bring you peace. and may your days be good, and your lives be long upon the earth.
Pronouncement
Family and Friends – I now present you K & J – stunning individual human beings and now a stunning couple – committed to their own souls, to one another and to the betterment of life for all living things.
K and J – you have been building your relationship with mindfulness, bravery and compassion for years and today you have declared your love and commitment to one another and to us all.
The Kiss
            I invite you now to seal this ceremony with a kiss.
Benediction
            Now J and K – May the blessing that rests upon all those love well rest also upon you and fill you both with lightness and grace. May the power of the love that unites you continue to grow and evolve and be strong.  May you so grow and love and work together that your lives will be enriched by a true and deepening comradeship of heart and mind. May you have a lot of fun every step along the way. And may you bring a great deal of joy to the world wherever you go – for years and years to come.  AMEN
Recessional- “Heart Strings”