Monthly Archives: March 2014

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

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Do you ever feel helpless or in need of rescue? It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help, and to recognize the interdependency of life. The value of individualism propagated in the United States is, in my opinion, way overrated. Asking for and receiving help is part of life, and it doesn’t mean that your journey is less valuable. or that your identity or character is less admirable. Becoming comfortable with the vulnerability that interdependency necessitates will help you see what in your life you can truly control, what you can’t, and where relying on others will not only help you survive, but help you thrive. Don’t only reclaim your strength and power, as your fragility and vulnerability is just as important.

I now affirm that I am a capable and competent human being.

I now affirm I have the strength and flexibility to meet every challenge.

I now affirm that I can ask for help when I need it, and that I will still be respected.

Help_Life_Saver_PreserverA man drowning in the sea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*A note about my weekly affirmations:

I subscribe to the Enneagram Institute‘s EnneaThought, which sends me a daily affirmation or reminder based on my number (I’m a 2). I have adapted many affirmations from these daily emails to create my weekly affirmations for this blog. I have also begun investigating other numbers to create affirmations that are geared toward other personality descriptions. Just so ya know, and if you are interested in having another way to receive regular reminders and meditations.

Daydreams

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There was a great piece in my “Psychology Today” about daydreaming and fantasies, and how our daydreams are a strong force in shaping our goals and future. Past research suggested that people, children and adults alike, who daydream are distracted or lazy or have their heads in the clouds. More current research suggests the opposite: that folks who daydream have a rich inner voice to guide them through life, and that daydreaming is anything but a waste of time. (Whew!)

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What are your current daydreams and fantasies and how are they shaping your life?

Here are mine:

-What to do with this house J and I bought. Short-term plans include re-painting the whole inside and refinishing the original hardwood floors. Longer-term plans include renovating the tiny bathroom and finishing the basement. What should the basement be? A pole studio? A sexy cave? A bedroom and living area? All of the above? I want to landscape the backyard- I’m so excited about sunbathing nude this summer!

-I want to start brewing my own kombucha! How Portland is that?! I keep thinking about getting the stuff I need to make it happen- mostly just some glass jars. And the infamous Mother (SCOBY) to start the brew.

-Where I am going to go from this job I’m in now. It’s a great launching pad so I’m excited about where I’ll launch myself to. I have dreams of having my own nonprofit that does counseling, workshops, support groups, and education around sexuality. Will I get into my MSW program? What will that be like?

-I love stripping now that my time is so crunched I can’t do it very often anymore. I daydream about dancing and when I can go work at the club next. I think about other kinds of sex work and sex worker advocacy and creating a support group for sex workers in the area.

-Who are the people I will meet this year? What new relationships and connections will I make?

Happy Weekend to All!

DV, Sex Addiction, & Sexy Sex

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I was listening to a survivor yesterday talk about her experiences, and near the end of our conversation she mentioned that something that was not covered by the survey I had her fill out was the fact that she felt abused by her ex-husband’s sex addiction. She mentioned that she never spent money on herself because so much of their money was spent on lingerie models and 1-900 numbers and possibly “illegal things” (aka prostitutes?). She said it was one of their long-standing battles, and that it was abusive not just because of the financial impact but because it also made her feel “not good enough.”

This was a complex issue for me to listen to and digest.

1. You always believe a survivor. That’s trauma-informed and survivor-informed. If she felt abused by her ex’s sexual proclivities, then I believe her.

2. I don’t believe “sex addiction” is a thing. However, if someone told me they felt “addicted” to sex, then I would believe them. I do think people are the experts on their own lives. Again, though, I don’t think it’s quite the right word to describe a behavior pattern related to seeking out sex/sexual experiences.

3. I wonder about many of the men I have met and danced for at my club. How many of them have wives at home who hate the fact that they patronize strip clubs and spend money on strippers? How many of them have a different persona at the club versus when they are home with their families? How many abusers have I danced for?

4. She asked me how and why I got into domestic violence work, and I answered the best I could. I mentioned that the spectrum of sexuality was my passion, from education to intervention. Listening to her, though, I was reminded of how bummed out I can feel when I realize so many people see sexuality as something to be tightly controlled, and how constricted people can get from being inundated with messages related to monogamy and purity. I would love to do more prevention work.

5. This woman was a Christian and made several comments that led me to believe that even though she knew her ex was “bad news” from the beginning, it took her 25 years to divorce him because she didn’t think divorce was okay. She also talked with me a bunch about how her goal was to break the cycle of poverty with her kids, and that it didn’t look like it was going to happen. I was reminded of my mom and how my mom did manage to break that cycle for herself and her kids- and it made me think of research on why certain people are able to do certain things that others from their peer group struggle to do (Malcom-Gladwell-like research).

I have been processing that 2 1/2 hour long meeting since yesterday, and I’m still chewing on it. I’m still a little hung up on the sex addiction/sex worker piece of it. It also reminded of this piece (“Sex Criminals 2013“) on “Tits and Sass” from the other day, and this particular passage:

“And you put her with a guy like Jon, who spent his adolescence taking in all the free porn he could get, and of course you have this near-couple who wind up using porn as a way to segue into sex. These are the exact couples I see every Saturday at my club—where the woman looks uncomfortable and the guy doesn’t want to seem too interested in any of the dancers because he doesn’t want to make her jealous, so they hang back, refusing to engage with you, and refusing to pay. Because to them, sex workers aren’t real people. If they admitted we were real people working to give them  a fantasy, then they would have to admit they are using other people to spice up their sex lives without, you know, paying us or acknowledging the fact that we are working, as opposed to acting sexual purely for the fun of it. It’s a selfish thing that’s incredibly easy to do, especially to porn actors, who are extra removed from reality by way of always interacting with the viewer through a screen or a photo. And that is exactly why Suzi can’t listen to Jazmine defend herself. Because, in a way, Suzi needs Jazmine to be sexualized just as much as Jon does. If the sex worker becomes real, then you’re going to have to admit that there’s a person that you’re harming with your negative opinions of them, and why would you want to do that?”

Thanks for reading my convoluted post :)

To wrap it up, I just need to celebrate the fact that I got laid last night!!!! (This whole job/home buying/moving process has really taken the wind out of our sails the past two weeks) So- I slept really well last night and feel really good this morning. Let’s hear it for SEX!! :D

Tarot Cards, Food, & Counseling

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I like finding metaphors in my life in new and different places.

I went with my friend to a psychic this past weekend- it was my first time. (I’m no longer a psychic virgin!!) Aside from what made me feel uncomfortable (I didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask questions or talk a whole bunch since it wasn’t really private), it was really interesting and thought-provoking for me.

She had me think of a question to myself before drawing my first hand. I couldn’t think of anything specific, but being a romantic at heart, I just kept thinking “love life, love life, I want to know about my love life.” (That’s a little embarrassing to write but it’s the truth). The cards I got, and her interpretation, were interesting. My main card was the Queen of Cups, which she said represents receptivity and relationships. Underneath was the Tower, which represents a really impactful and important event, and above was a card representing soul mates. In the position representing the past was a card for an important relationship, and in the position representing the future was a card representing change. In the position representing the present was a card for tension, mostly mental tension and stress. To fill out the piece between the present (mental tension) and future (change) she had me pull a few more cards. From what I remember I pulled a King card representing really unmovable and grounding energy and another card representing fluidity and spirituality (I remember her saying that the card represents a need to see situations from a higher place and the ability to laugh at situations more, and that it was likely I would need to adapt to the unmovable energy in order to arrive at change- a frequent pattern I am familiar with). Her interpretation of all of this: the stress seemed to be related to something physical (money, house) and that the relationship wasn’t breaking off, but simply changing. Because of J and I buying a house, that seemed to sum up my love life pretty well at the moment.

For my next hand I thought about my BDD/body image issues, and when I could expect to experience relief. The cards I pulled again included the Queen of Cups, as well as the Lovers card and the Magician card. She said that all of these could mean that the use of a relationship to help heal and cope could be possible. (Which has always felt true for me. I know I tend to obsess about my body more and overeat more when what I really crave is touch.) She said that the Magician card is really powerful in that it represents intention setting and the achieving of goals. She had me pull a few more cards, and one of them was the Hanged Man, representing delusion. (Ha!! I love that) I can’t remember the others… but she did say that one of the others, which is ruled by Aries, shows that now is a good time to seek change, assistance, and help in planting the seeds for change, and that I would expect to see the fruits of my labor by the winter.

It was a cool experience, even if it has a similar tinge for me in reading my horoscope.

That being said, I also find the description of The Year of the Horse to resonate with me so far:

“The time for pondering and planning was 2013 Snake year. Horse year is time to act fast, buy that home, launch that business, travel the world, make a big purchase, get a promotion at work, have a breakthrough – take a leap and fly.

“If it’s right, then there’s nothing to think about. Just follow instincts. Even if you miss the mark, you’ll have all of Wood Sheep year 2015 to get cozy and enjoy life’s comforts in all their artistic forms.”

The whole “planting seeds for change” thing is right on target. I have an appointment with a therapist who specializes in BDD set for next week. I’m also trying a diet change for a month (we’ll see how it goes) to see if cutting out certain things helps with the OCD part of my problem (the obsessive, out-of-my-control thoughts). I’ve been doing the diet change for about a day, and so far it’s actually helped quite a bit. I have a complicated relationship with food (as I’ve chronicled on here before), and so I am wary of feeding that compulsivity through external food regulation and control. But, the lack of sugar in the past day or so has seem to influenced my energy levels (increased), overall way my body feels (less bloated), and my OCD thoughts (running more slowly, less frequently, more on the back burner instead of the forefront). I’ve been more focused and present at work and at home- both of which make me feel more alive and happy.

Any helpful metaphors that you have encountered lately?

Hotwife Ethics

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I came across this search time that someone used and then found my blog, and I’m not totally sure what was meant behind the phrase. But, I’ll take a stab at it anyway.

The ethics of hotwifing parallel the ethics of ethical nonmonogamy, at least in my experience.

Good experiences are built around transparency, honesty, communication, and consent. Hotwifing, one option part of the larger ethically nonmonogamous umbrella, requires all people involved to understand their motivations, desires, and role as best they can  in order to fully conceptualize and consent to the relationship- whether that relationship is a primary partnership, friends-with-benefits relationship, or fuck buddies relationship (and obviously other secondary or simply other relationships present- I mentioned the others since they seem to be more common in a hotwifing relationship dynamic).

More broadly speaking, hotwifing relationships are ethical if all parties involved want said relationship. If you are concerned about the ethics of nonmonogamous relationships (like how ethically nonmonogamous relationships go against the grain of social and religious norms), then I would suggest doing further reading and reaching out to folks practiced in the area.

More specifically, the hotwifing dynamic can introduce some special twists. Male primary partners and husbands often want to know specific details about an encounter, to hide in the house or room and watch or listen to a sexual encounter (without the other partner’s or bull’s knowledge), and sometimes an ability to vet or veto any potential partner (and also sometimes to ask for boundaries around emotional attachment to other partners). I think that these kinds of boundaries can pose some grey ethical boundaries depending on the context.

Is it ethical for the hotwife to bring home a one-night stand while her husband hides in the closet and watches and listens? What if that one-night stand turns into a regular partner? Can the husband continue to hide and watch/listen? Should the wife inform the other partner?

Similarly, is it ethical for the hotwife to divulge any and all details of a sexual encounter she had last night with a one-night stand to her husband? What if it’s with a regular friends-with-benefits?

On these issues, I tend to fall like this: If it’s a one-night stand, you owe the one-night stand your respect, honesty, and authenticity. If they ask you a question about your relationship, your safer sex practices, or how your male partner feels about something, you should answer honestly. Later, you can tell your husband everything (it’s also okay in my book if he was secretly present to watch or listen). However, if that one-night stand turns into something more long-standing, then the hotwife and/or husband have a responsibility to fully inform the other person of the degree to which the husband likes to be involved in the escapades, whether that is through voyeurism, participation, or in-depth knowledge. This gives the other person the ability to fully understand the relationship dynamics, his role, and therefore the ability to consent to the relationship. This also leads us to the possibility of a bull relationship (FWB or fuck buddy) turning into something more: making sure that your other partner understands any limits or boundaries around your relationship together will go quite a ways in preventing unnecessary heart ache.

Have any other specific questions about the ethics of hotwifing? Comment here or email me!

Have any thoughts about this? Comment and let me know!

Double Vaginal Penetration

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Occasionally I like to write posts based on search terms that have directed readers to my site. This and the next post are based on said search terms.

Double Vaginal Penetration (aka DVP)

It sounds like a move-made-for-porn (and who knows, maybe it was). Who would want that? Why? How do you even do that?

As someone who has engaged in DVP a few times, I have some advice and insight to offer, although my perspective is limited.

1. Double penetration does not necessarily equal double cocks. J and I first started flirting with this idea by using both his cock and another dildo inside of me. It is tricky to maneuver (and not the same as having two live cocks), but you can experience a similar amount of fullness, stretching, and pleasure from it. I’ve found this to feel best with J on top of me and then sliding a dildo inside underneath his cock.

2. The vagina can stretch remarkably large- hello! Babies get birthed out of that thing. Of course your vagina can stretch large enough to accommodate more than one cock at a time. But…

3. Like preparing for fisting or inserting any large object, it’s important to warm up slowly and well. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and that you are doing what you usually do to be turned on optimally (dirty talk, oral sex, fingering, porn, etc.). If something doesn’t feel right, stop. If something hurts, stop. Know your own anatomy and pay attention to the signals you receive from your body. I know that for me, I have a number of smaller folds of skin that can get irritated quickly by too much friction of too much of something inside of me- it’s important to slow down, add more lube, and communicate.

4. Feel comfortable with your partner(s). Not just for safer sex purposed, but for ensuring your ability to stop the activity if it starts to feel uncomfortable in any way. Especially with safer sex considerations, it’s important that everyone feels comfortable being so close all at once.

5. It’s hot. If you already know you enjoy MFM group sex, then this is a really amazing position addition. My go-to positioning is to ride one person and have the other enter from behind like in doggy style. I generally slide onto the one cock, and let the person behind enter. From there, it just takes some experimentation with coordinating movements. I’ve found that everyone has a pleasurable time of it.

Have you ever done DVP? Do you have any other suggestions for how to have DVP happily, safely, and pleasurably?

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

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Do you believe that you are worthy and deserve love, affection, and respect? How do you cultivate your own sense of worth and value? Do you find yourself looking externally for validation from a boss, partner, or friend? Maybe it’s time for some self care and focusing on yourself.

I now affirm that I am worthy and have a right to love, affection, and respect.

I now affirm that I am inherently good and worthy of good things.

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