Taking Care of Myself

Quick recap of my past week or so:

Last Friday was a hard day. Not only did I find out that I did not get a job I had been holding out for, but I ended my work day being unable to provide emergency services to two survivors who were in desperate need. I was the only one left in the building, and at 5:50pm, I just sat on my yoga ball and cried for a few minutes. When I was done, I got a sticky note, and wrote down the things I was going to do that weekend to take care of myself. It included: finishing my kombucha, taking a bath, sleeping in, doing my nails, watching Game of Thrones, and basking in the sun. I am proud to say I did all of these things, except for getting caught up on GoT. But that’s okay, because now J and I have three episodes we can watch together all in a row (which is definitely better than one at a time).

Monday was a glorious day, deliciously all to myself. And even the moments when I felt like maybe I was “wasting” time, I knew deep down that I wasn’t. The day was spent exactly how it needed to be spent. I slept in, lingered over breakfast, got some things done on my to do list, went to the gym, interviewed for a friend’s book on sex and happiness (fantastic!! thanks for including me!), laid in the sun, took photos of myself naked in the sun, and generally loved on myself. Including pulling out my Lelo Ino for an awesome masturbation sesh (which, by the way, do y’all remember/know that May is National Masturbation Month?)

And! I happen to be enthralled with this amazing woman, and I only wish she lived closer. Although when I channel my inner Byron Katie, I know that it is how it should be, because that is how it is. We will enjoy each other through Facebook and Skype until we see each other in person. And when we see each other in person, it will be fantastic, that much I am certain of.

My parents are coming to visit next week. I’m trying to decide how public to be with my DatingAdvice contributions (using my full name or pseudonym, etc). I’m registering for fall classes next week. We’re flying down to the Bay Area in a couple of weeks for my sister’s college graduation. I’m planning a summer party with all of our best peeps. I’m almost done painting our house! J fixed our toilet AND sink! Life is full and rich as always. My BDD is feeling more manageable this past week, which is a relief.

Happy Spring!


Hump Day Links

What If We Admitted to Children That Sex Is Primarily About Pleasure? (Sorry the ending is so cheesy everyone)

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

This Is What The Female Orgasm Really Feels Like

To give you an idea of the lack of sex-positivity of the community I grew up in: Bikini coffee shop agrees to change drink names

She’s not ugly in my opinion, and her body is amazing. Inspiring me to practice my head and handstands: 10+ Reasons I Love My Ugly Body

And this gem that was posted in my Open FB group:



Today means:

Getting to flex my schedule so I can sunbathe this morning. Naked. In my backyard.


Getting to see J this morning because he works this afternoon instead of super early.

Making plans to meet new people.

Admiring my painting skills in our living room.

Buying a new french press to replace the one that broke all over the kitchen floor this morning.

Eating peanut butter and crackers.

Taking the pup for a run in the sun.

Being, taking deep breaths, receiving a massage from the sun and the breeze.

How is your happy expressing itself today?



tonight comes from:

  • Connecting with a new friend
  • Too much flourless chocolate cake
  • Raspberry wine leaving me with heartburn
  • Feeling excited to hear back from potential jobs tomorrow
  • Feeling hungry for savory breakfast foods (like mushroom tarts or the butternut squash galette I made earlier this week, or eggs and thick toast, and always bacon)
  • Masturbating to a fantasy
  • Excited to shake my thang at work tomorrow
  • Feeling off from not seeing J practically all day

What have I done to try to fall asleep?

  • Lay still in darkness
  • Read Dan Savage Q&As on my phone
  • Masturbate to a fantasy
  • Check Facebook
  • Journal about food
  • Drink ginger tea
  • Now I’m here

I’m reflecting on the energy in my life, and how it waxes and wanes. Social energy, sexual energy, emotional energy, physical energy. The energy to provide comfort to J. The energy to comfort myself. The energy to connect with friends. The energy to investigate a budding romantic relationship. The energy to work out until my lungs and heart and legs are so tired. The energy to stay hopeful and excited and optimistic about my tomorrow.

All of this energy is keeping me awake right now, and for once in a long while, it’s not stressful or anxious energy. So I am grateful to be awake at this hour, knowing I will be tired tomorrow but glad to feel the positive forces in my life.


Bringing a Vibrator to Class

I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.

“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.

I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.

“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.

I paused and looked at the other two.

“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.

Haha, yep.

J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to our toy box. It needed a good home.

Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.

I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!

How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo, self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.

The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me know how that goes” I responded, laughing.

Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.

My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a lot more excited to be doing all of this.”

Haha, me too. Me too.

slim vibe

Frustrated Coming

J was fingering me- rubbing my clit, reaching inside my pussy. Kissing my neck. Rubbing furiously. My mind was racing:

Come dammit! COME!! Why am I not coming?? Have I been using my Hitachi too much?! Is my clit calloused? Have I damaged myself? I want J to get me off! I’m a bad partner if I can’t come with my partner! Right?? What’s wrong with me? Come! COME! COME!!
Needless to say, I didn’t come. Talk about performance anxiety. It all felt so good, and yet my body was just aching to come and couldn’t. My legs started twitching and aching and kicking, and I started to cry. I just want to come, I whimpered.

J offered to tell me a story. What do you want to hear about? he asked.

I want to have sex with a girl, I said softly.

First of all, J is the master of dirty talk these days. Second of all, a lot of my masturbation fantasies lately are about women. Long story short, I found out that my clit is not broken after all! (Whew)

J’s story took me to our swingers’ club, where I met a super hot girl. We make eye contact, we start dancing in the cage together, slowly taking finger tips to touch each other. Bam! I came once. And as the story progressed, I came like five or six more times. I don’t even think J finished the story! A testament to his story-telling skills. And just generally him being an amazing lover.

Last night, J and I went to our swingers’ club and while it was kind of a weird vibe there and not very many people in our age cohort, we did end up meeting a new, cute, young couple. The woman and I ended up kissing a little, which I loved. My big mistake?! Not giving them our email address before we left! What the heck?! Who does that? Apparently me, when I’m a little buzzy from both too much wine and kissing a girl.

So, if you’re out there, cute girl, I hope I see you again.

Hands-Free Orgasms

I loved this article J passed along to me this past week: I’ll Have What She’s Thinking

I love the idea, possibility, and reality of hands-free orgasms. The brain is so cool. I really kind of love how we don’t understand everything about the biology and physiology of sex still- I think it speaks to the obvious fact that we can’t even possibly understand the complexities of the psychology and social influences surrounding our sexuality and sexual experiences.

[We have a friend who talked to us once about her hands-free orgasm experiences at the gym while she uses the leg-lift equipment. Hot, hot, hot.]

Remember my post about self-hypnosis and masturbation? This applies here, too.

Have you ever had a hands-free orgasm? How do you do it? Wanna teach me your method? I am a willing student!

Happy National Masturbation Month!

I am so glad I ran across this news! (I obviously have been living under a rock since I didn’t know this before. Whoops.)

From The Examiner: “Is May really National Masturbation Month?

And, from the Huffington Post: “Masturbate-A-Thon 2013 in Philadelphia Celebrates National Masturbation Month

From the Examiner piece, a brief explanation of the history:
“In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”
That was the end of Elders’ career as America’s first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders’ ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco’s sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders’ unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.
Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.
And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one’s sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation.”

And, the entirety of the Huffington Post piece:
“This fundraiser is a stroke of genius.
Philadelphia’s first Masturbate-a-Thon began Wednesday — to mark this beginning of National Masturbation Month — but won’t finish until May 27, Philadelphia Magazine reports. And everyone’s excited.
Sponsors can donate money for every hour participators spend… being charitable.
Profits go to local sex education groups, ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush!.
Fundraising efforts can be logged on Crowdrise.com. Through the event, the site hopes to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure.
On May 30, the Thursday after the event ends, folks are invited to attend “Creamium” — a gameshow and dance party where prizes like “Most Creative Fantasy,” “Most Pleasure Connections,” and “Most Money Raised” will be handed out.

I love it. 

Masturbation, for me, is an expression of self-love, -appreciation, -wonder, -amazement, and -gratitude. It is an important practice of my self care regimen.

My plans for self-pleasure this month include:

Bring myself to orgasm while taking a bath.
Use my suction cup dildo in the shower.
Set up in front of my closet mirror and watch myself come with my Hitachi.
Masturbate right before bed.
Masturbate right when waking up.
Find some porn I like and watch it while masturbating.
Take the time to read some hot erotica to turn myself on.
Masturbate in a semi-public place.

What are your masturbation plans?

Phone Sex

My lovely cousin recently loaned me Miranda Austin’s Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills. I finished it in three days!! What a hoot! Her stories are super entertaining, and many of them were arousing for me. (So if you want a combo informative book + erotica, then you may love this book)

It sparked various thoughts for me:

-The author herself is kinky and into different kinds of BDSM play (mainly, D/S and S/M). She also got something from phone sex work; it wasn’t super often that she just sat there bored, twiddling her thumbs while she faked arousal. Many of her customers had kinks or fantasies that also turned her on. Sounds like a pretty great job to me!

-I think being a phone sex worker is a much more intimate sex job that stripping is, and I would bet, more than pedestrian prostitution is. Phone sex is all about a mental connection; tapping into someone’s fantasies, figuring out what makes their brain tick so that they are physically turned on- that is intimate stuff. The physical realm can be so casual and so removed from emotion and mental connection. Not so with phone sex. (Granted, she had plenty of customers who told her what they wanted, got off in 5-10 minutes, and hung up. But many of the stories she included were about customers where there was much more of a relationship, and a consistency and depth to the relationship. And, I think those same things can definitely happen between strippers or prostitutes and regular customers. From my experience, though, it can be far easier to be present physically and not mentally. With phone sex, you have to be present mentally.) Phone sex seems extremely vulnerable, for both people, to me.

-Interestingly, phone sex is not considered prostitution or sex-for-pay and is thus legal. Also, a rule called the “900 rule” means that any phone lines starting with 900 are regulated by the FCC obscenity regulations. “Obscene speech” is not protected under the First Amendment and so phone sex workers working off of a 900 line cannot talk with you about anything illegal- incest, rape, or sex with minors. Toll-free numbers are not regulated by the FCC, though, and you can talk about anything with phone sex workers there.

-I like the fact that phone sex is a really safe form of sex!! No chance of STIs or pregnancy with phone sex! And as long as you feel mentally/emotionally safe with the person you are engaging with, you should be good there :)

-I also really like phone sex as another tool to keep up on in your sexual toolbox for use with partners. What it’s really about is dirty talk: learning what words you think are sexy, learning how to describe things in great detail, figuring out your fantasies and practicing communicating them to your partner(s). I think phone sex is hot!! I love the image of J masturbating, and so I know I would love breathing heavily into the phone, dirty talking him, visualizing him masturbating, and pleasuring myself. HOT!

-I am honestly considering trying to find a phone sex girl who is into girl-girl sex. I think it could be a really hot way for me to experience some girl-girl sex on a semi-regular basis. I’ll definitely blog about anything I try out ;)

Women’s Self Pleasure Circle

Last night I participated in a women’s pleasure circle (maybe a different name for a circle jerk? haha). It was inspired in part by Betty Dodson’s pleasure workshops and the BodySex film. But instead of a workshop with a “genital show-and-tell” and other workshop-y type things, last night involved movement and warming up mentally and physically, and a pleasure circle. The lovely Barbara Wynn facilitated and hosted five of us.

We started of by introducing ourselves, including how we were feeling and what we were hoping to get out of our experience. Yesterday I was feeling especially stressed out, from trying to decide what to do with moving and school, and also feeling disconnected from J. I have also been dealing with some, at times paralyzing, negative body image self-talk, and have been feeling pretty disconnected from myself in a positive way. I was hoping to use the experience to reconnect with myself and forget about those stressors for a bit. I was definitely pushing my comfort zone; even though I have been in plenty of exhibitionist and group sex spaces, I really wasn’t sure that I would be able to relax into a self-pleasure space in the presence of other people. I was reminded of one of the discussion questions from the BodySex screening- have you ever found yourself “performing” during sex? I really wanted to use my experience in the pleasure circle to have an authentic solo sex session, and I was nervous that my anticipated discomfort would mean I would be “performing” and not having genuine fun with myself.

We started off with a movement exercise, in which we simply moved around the space however it felt comfortable to us. I walked and stretched out my body (it was really tight and tense from working yesterday). We also paired up three different times and answered questions with our partner: what is something you love about your sexual being, describe a self love experience that was transformative in some way, and what do you do to get turned on? As we moved around, we were encouraged to peel off layers of clothes, and practiced soft looks instead of hard looks (basically, noticing and looking with curiosity and awe instead of judgement or criticism). 

After getting warmed up, we regrouped. Many of us were down to bras and pants or bras and underwear. Barbara talked to us about her experience with communal masturbation and gave us an overview for how the pleasure circle would be facilitated after we took a break. She discussed the idea of the pleasure circle space as containing three concentric circles. If you decided to sit as far back as possible, you were in the outer ring and in the role of the witness. You could watch and observe what was going on. In the second ring, you were in an active, turning-yourself-on and acting-on-it space. In the third, middle ring, you would be in a “look at me!” space, celebrating yourself and wanting to be looked at and appreciated. She told us we could be in any of those places at any point throughout the time of the pleasure circle. It was nice to take a break after all of that to sort of mentally process everything and take time to pay attention to my hunger and thirst, and not worry about anything else going on.

Then, the pleasure circle got started. Barbara led us though some guided movement, asking us to experiment with different kinds of self-touch: light fingertips and caresses, scratches, grabbing, squeezing and pinching, pulling, slapping. She asked us to really notice what we liked and what turned us on. She asked us to feel our vulvas, to breathe deeply, and to pay attention. And then, she released us into the play session.

I had brought my glass dildo and my Hitachi and a bottle of lube, a blanket and pillow, and a towel. I noticed that it took a little longer than normal for me to get turned on and warmed up because I was a little uncomfortable at first in the space, and I think also because it was 83 degrees (which was amazing for my naked body), but I am also used to different temperature sensations on my skin (our apartment is usually between 60 and 65 degrees and I have grown to like the cold air on my skin). But, I eventually got into it. I was so surprised with how many orgasms I had. I lost count, because I decided to turn on off my cognitive processing for a bit, but I think it was around 10 or 12. It was amazing to me the high I could reach from allowing myself the time and space to get turned on, reach orgasm, rest for a minute, and do it over and over and over. I loved it. Being in a space with other turned-on, moaning, groaning, laughing women for an hour was a pretty awesome experience. It felt really freeing to just be responsible for myself, and to witness other women simply being responsible for themselves. We weren’t doing anything “for” each other, we weren’t having partnered sex. We were just in the presence of one another in self-pleasure. For the last five minutes or so, I simply laid on my back, closed me eyes, and drifted.

After we played for about an hour, we ended with a savasana and debriefed. I loved how meditative and peaceful, and happy, I felt.

Another participant said that the experience felt like it was something so old that her cells remembered it, but older than her brain could remember. I liked that sentiment a lot; it resonated with me. Also, I really loved what the space did for my body image. Seeing older women’s bodies, bigger women’s bodies, and smaller women’s bodies made me less fearful about my body changing and made me feel stronger in myself. And, I found myself so comfortable in that space by the end of it. It really is quite amazing to me what getting naked with people and being sexual in the same space will do for comfort. It makes a lot of sense to me that some of my closest friends are those that I have been sexual with, in some way. There just doesn’t seem to be anything quite as primal and authentic as sexual pleasuring.