Category Archives: Vulnerability

Feeling Like a Fraud

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This post has been brewing subconsciously and consciously for quite some time, so here goes.

I love talking about relationship diversity- it’s something I am really passionate about. I love talking with other people who are new to ethical nonmonogamy about “it all”: jealousy, cultural influences and norms, family of origin influences, compersion, boundaries and rules, communication skills, personality differences, identities, preferences, kinks, porn, feminism, and more. I could do it for hours and hours. I feel like I am supporting and contributing to an important cause, something that is changing our society for the better, and I feel proud to be part of the wave. I obviously love writing about ethically nonmonogamous/polyamorous relationships and all of their triumphs and pitfalls.

What I don’t love recently (the past six to twelve months) is another feeling that has come alongside all of the pleasant ones: that I am a fake.

I should specify: I don’t feel like an “ethical nonmonogamous fake.” J and I have had sexy fun times throughout this past year, and they’ve all been swell, as far as I can remember. Friends with benefits relationships and fuck buddy relationships are satisfying and fun and largely void of yucky emotions for me.

I feel like a “poly fake.” Though, calling myself a “poly fake” isn’t quite right, because I feel like I am capable of holding another relationship of depth and intensity and caring, and giving that relationship the time and energy and love it needs. And although not pertinent to my fakeness or not, J is obviously capable of supporting me in that.

What I question is my ability to ever be “good enough” at poly so that J can also truly experience having another relationship. I know how I felt and acted three years ago and two years ago and a year ago, and while my understanding of myself and my triggers and emotions has deepened significantly, I don’t know if I have had enough practice for getting skills under my belt to where I can actually sit with gross feelings and not bother J with them so much that he can actually function in another relationship.

I don’t know how he feels about this, truly. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and completely agree. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and remember past events differently than me.

I have said numerous times that I have made a commitment to him and to our relationship, and with that comes a commitment toward working through gross things in part so that I grow as a person and in part so that he has the relationship he wants and deserves. I come back to that commitment often, and I worry about whether it’s good enough.

Am I enough? With my shortcomings and past mistakes and past hurts? Is my striving toward independence and separation in our relationship enough?

I brought up this struggle in my women’s group recently. The response I received from most of the women there was a “levels” approach: have you taken things slowly enough? Have you asked for specific boundaries and worked up to more challenging situations? You’ll make it to the next level eventually!

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I appreciated my one dear friend’s response: maybe there are no “levels.” We’re not playing a “poly video game” in which you have to “win” each level in order to proceed. Maybe there is no hierarchy of “poly”ness. There’s just you, and your comfort levels, and your path.

I weigh those different approaches in myself, and I know that for me it’s both: I like to proceed slowly, to know that I get to have a say in how my comfort levels are tried and tested, to know that my partner(s) will respect my discomforts and work with me to grow. I also know that as of yet, I am not some expansive blossoming flower of pure flowing love, able to completely and freely give up a relationship if it needs to go away. I know myself, and I know my sticky spots; I have lots of them. I also know I am afraid of having my fears go away completely: what would that life look like and feel like?

My counselor today, after talking to me about how my body image disorder is exacerbated by being around more naked people as a result of our open relationship, asked me how I deal with anxiety when J is dating other people. And she asked me, rhetorically, if it was healthy to do something that causes me so much anxiety. Immediately I withdrew from her, because the question reeked of poly-misunderstanding and phobia. Good grief! I am here to face anxiety related to my body! How can I not use a similar approach for to my relationships?? So that was not super helpful.

I guess this post is just my continuous self-reflection: my comfort levels change slowly, and that’s okay. I’m trying to focus on relaxing, working on my self-confidence and letting go of personal insecurities, and being grateful for how life changes. I don’t need to feel like a fraud, but I guess welcoming those feelings will help me move through them.

The Misunderstood Life of a Queer Woman

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My most recent DA post is live today: The Misunderstood Life of a Queer Woman

I loved writing this one- it follows from a post long ago that I wrote, and is something that I think about often.

megaphone169-408x264Here’s my intro:

“I identify as queer and really enjoy being with women. I have been with women sexually and dated a few of them, but I’ve always had a hard time with this idea that I “read” as straight.

Several of my close women friends have expressed similar sentiments to me.
Other pieces to this issue include biphobia (or the discrimination against bisexuals) and what I would label as polyphobia (or the fear of poly/open relationships).

I’ve had a difficult time dating women

There are several issues that make dating women complicated, including things like I don’t look “gay enough,” am also attracted to men and already have an existing partner.
It is difficult separating out all of these issues, but I want to focus on this idea of looking the part to attract women.

Most sage advice recommends you don’t change yourself to fit some idea of what you should look like in order to attract partners. For me, I know I don’t want to cut my long hair in order to look the part of a queer woman.”

It was helpful to me to write this piece and to remind myself of the idea I close with:

“Embody the values you want to live by and the characteristics that arouse and charm you. Be your own best friend and let the rest fall into place.”

Go read the rest! :)

Sexy Storytelling

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I had a Skype meeting last night with one of the producers of our local Mystery Box storytelling shows, and I am excited to work on two stories for them!

I told a narrative of my experience with school and stripping, but I also really want to work on one about the birthday gift that I did for J a couple years ago (the gangbang film).

Eric gave me some good feedback about how to structure the story.

Start with a beginning scene, add some narrative, describe another scene, add some narrative, describe another scene, etc.

Describing the moments that were particularly emotional and difficult to explain why for me this situation was so challenging.

Give the audience a flavor of who I am as a whole person before saying I’m a stripper.

This story is emotional for me and brings up a lot of vulnerability, and while this will draw an audience in, it also teeters on making me want to stand on my soapbox about sex worker rights which could alienate audience members.

The gangbang story is lighthearted and fun- a much different tone and intention.

In any case, I am excited about working on these and hopefully telling one or both sometime in the future!

Do you have any sexy stories you would ever share publicly like this? Maybe you should get in touch with Eric & Reba yourself! Or share here anonymously if the whole “standing in front of a bunch of strangers and talking about it” sounds a little intimidating (it does to me, too) :)

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Body Catharsis

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We were standing upstairs, and I was watching the women dance in the cage below. I want to do that. But I feel so unattractive. After watching for another 20 minutes or so, I felt an adrenaline surge and my arms and legs start to tingle. I’m going down there. I’ve got to.

I got in the cage with two other women and started dancing. I felt self-conscious. I kept my eyes closed for almost the entire twenty minutes I was in there. It felt like twenty hours. Stay in here, keep going. I even let my dress come up, revealing my neon blue thong. Every so often I pulled my dress back down to cover my ass. Just keep dancing, please.

After a while I started feeling better. Opening my eyes a little more. Taking up more space. Smiling more. Feeling more grounded. And happy. For the rest of the evening, I felt a bit more like myself.

The next day at work I felt pretty good. The crowd and money were slow, but for the most part, I had a fantastic time dancing and watching myself move in the mirrors. I still noticed the extra weight, but it didn’t feel quite as devastating.

Movement is important for me, especially how much I can be in my head. On Friday night at our club, I told J I just can’t get out of my head. It is near impossible for me to shake myself out of obsessive thoughts. Dancing is one of the only escapes I have found.

What do you do for cathartic release?

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More Speed Dating

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I went to another speed dating event for queer women. I almost didn’t because of body image anxiety. I was also disappointed when I found out that a particular person of interest wouldn’t be there (the person I met there last time who I felt such a connection to), and that they aren’t making new connections right now. But I went, largely because my counselor gave me such strong encouragement to. Knowing that I would have two close friends there also propelled me to go.

I went with little to no expectations for the evening. I thought I’d leave after a couple of hours so I could get ready for my day at work and talk to J before he went to bed. I thought I would just hang out quietly and observe and leave.

Instead, while I did observe quietly, I talked a little bit more this time to new folks. It started off a little slow again, and there was a long meditation and grounding exercise which again left me feeling a little antsy (I just wanted to be in my own bubble and do my own thing and talk to those that I felt drawn to), although it did seem to set up the space in a loving and connected way. We were encouraged to pick out pieces of fabric to symbolize our situations: Colorful for curious about and open to connecting with women. Coral for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking to play with women.’ Salmon for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking for a girlfriend.’ Red for ‘I am looking for a woman lover/partner/beloved.’ Blue for ‘I am gender fluid.’ I took both the salmon and red and tied them around my wrist. There was a lot of salmon-colored fabric floating around the room although everything was represented.

I even did the eye-gazing activity: we were asked to sit quietly and just look into someone’s eyes for one minute and then again with a new person, for about six or seven people total. That kind of activity is incredibly difficult for me to do. I feel uncomfortable and deeply vulnerable and intimate, and that is a hard place for me to be in with people I have just met. The activity made my rawness feel even more raw, and when my good friend was talking to me afterwards I told her about my recent BDD epiphany and she hugged me and it put me over the edge. I started to cry. What is happening to me?? Why can’t I control this? But my friend just hugged me and we went into another room and she “snuggled the crap out of me” as she so lovingly put it until I felt better and ready to join the group again. I felt myself opening up from a very deep place, and I think I am starting to understand what so many of the women there have expressed- that being with and around women is a very healing experience.

Now the group was playing Jenga- we had spent the first chunk of time writing truths and dares on each side of a Jenga block. It was quite fun, and there was actually a really good variety of truths and dares (not like the last sexy Jenga I participated in, in which, unknowingly and inadvertently, a bunch of us suggested giving and receiving lap dances. It was like a lap dance party! Ha. Still super fun, but just not a lot of variety in things to do.).

What is your favorite fantasy? Where do you like to be touched? Pick someone to give you a massage. Close your eyes and let the group pick someone to give you an anonymous kiss. Hug someone for 30 seconds. Describe you first kiss. When did you know you were attracted to women? What kind of underwear are you wearing? Pick someone to spank you. Describe your best orgasm.

My first truth was something like: Describe your fullest and most empowering you.

“How do I answer that?” I wondered aloud. No one really knew. “Well, the first thing that popped into my head was the fact that I feel really strong and in the ‘flow’ when I dance. I’m a stripper in my off-time, and I just absolutely love it.” I felt totally comfortable disclosing it and felt grounded doing so. I don’t even really know what people’s reactions were to it, and I didn’t care at all.

I later gave another friend a shoulder rub while I described my first kiss.

A little later I ended up sitting next to a woman I had had my eye on. She has large beautiful eyes and a pretty smile and a loud laugh- lots of things I adore. She was also putting out a lot of “curious” energy, like she wanted to sample everyone and everything. We started to hold hands and cuddle, and later started making out.

A song by The Weeknd came on (I can’t remember which), and one of my friends immediately looks at me and says “Oh! You dance to this! That’s one of my favorite memories.” Someone turned it up and some people started dancing. It’s such a sexy song. My new friend and I made out more, and then stood up.

“Do you like peanuts? Are you allergic?”

I was confused. Is this a set-up for a joke?

“No,” I smiled. “I love peanut butter.”

Her face lit up. “What about coconut?”

“Oh! I absolutely love coconut. Everywhere, everything.”

She smiled more. “Okay, okay! Come with me.”

She led me to a couch after grabbing her purse and a spoon from the kitchen. She’s got coconut peanut butter. How adorable.

She pulled out a jar of exactly that. “This stuff is amazing. It’s from Hawaii.” She scooped a little out and fed it to me. It was the most delicious peanut butter I have ever tasted. It melted in my mouth. I fed her some and we kissed some more. She got a couple of strawberries for us and we continued kissing.

We started talking and sharing our open and queer stories and selves. She was lovely and sweet and we exchanged numbers. I don’t expect it to go anywhere, but it may. All I know is that if I had left when I planned on leaving, I would have not been able to explore the chemistry between us. I felt both exhausted and wired when I got home at 12:30am, three hours later than I thought I would be home. It took my a while to calm down and I know I will be processing the experience for a little while.

I thank my counselor and her firm encouragement, and my two friends who were so encouraging and supportive and loving and unconditionally there for me last night. I thank J for deeply knowing me and appreciating me and encouraging me to go and have fun. I thank myself, too, for putting myself out there and staying through the discomfort and anxiety.

Kundalini-Serpent-Power

Delusions

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“You have some pretty severe delusional thoughts.”

RWS_Tarot_12_Hanged_ManI shifted in my seat. No one has ever said that to me. Maybe, I thought. I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about. This new counselor doesn’t even know me.

Then again, having delusional thoughts is a major characterization of BDD. I’m about 90% convinced that my weight gain is super noticeable and makes me way less attractive and desirable, and that other people take notice and don’t want to socialize with me. I’ve convinced myself well over my life that having “extra weight” on my body is a pretty big deal. It is taking a lot for me to do the social events this week that I put on my calendar. But my counselor was adamant that I should do my best to socialize and be with people, and to make sure to continue dancing, in order to lessen my anxiety. It’s part of exposure therapy.

I’m still convinced that if “I just lost 5 pounds” that I’ll feel better and that “all of my problems would be solved.” That self-talk is constant. Even though I also know somewhere in my brain that even when I weigh a little less and have a slightly different shape, I am still hyper-vigilant, stressed out, and insecure about my body.

Never has my low self esteem and confidence been so apparent to me. Never have I felt as raw as I have been the past couple of weeks.

Documenting my thought processes and behaviors related to my body over the past week and a half has brought everything to the surface, revealing how extreme my body image stuff is. I’m also now more aware that this BDD thing has been my root issue for a long time, and that it just becomes worse when I experience other life stressors. The past few months have exacerbated my BDD, and I am at least grateful I have the chance now to work on it more systematically. In addition to my new counselor, I am trying acupuncture. I went last weekend, and have felt remarkably better since. I’m looking forward to my next appointment. I was impressed with the difference in how my body physically felt afterwards, and how long it has lasted.

I’ve also experienced how difficult it is to talk about it with other people. Besides my new counselor and J, I don’t feel like I have many people (if anyone) I can talk to about it. No one yet really gets it, as far as I am concerned. My best friend from high school gave me the classic “But you’re so beautiful! I just don’t get it!” talk (after I explained some more about BDD she understood a little better). I feel so stressed out thinking that there are people who will notice I’ve gained weight. I can get myself to the place of thinking that I’ve gained so little weight that no one will notice, but to think that people will notice makes me feel nuts.

“You’re a beautiful woman. I wish you had more confidence in yourself.”

I’ve never had a counselor say that to me either. I almost cried.

What Do Fantasies Symbolize?

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I have more questions as an answer:

Does it matter? Is it a requirement to figure out what a fantasy might “mean” in order to use it to achieve pleasurable, fun, and satisfying sexual experiences?

I worried for a hot minute a couple of years ago what my submission fantasies might mean. Did they mean I wasn’t a “real” feminist? Did it mean that I wanted to be dominated by men in my everyday life but that these desires were being sublimated into the sexual realm? I know for myself that this is not the case at all. My nonconsensual fantasies run in the same vein: I don’t actually want to be raped. It’s something to remain tenuous and ethereal. What about gangbang fantasies? While I have acted on them, I again have zero desire to actually be raped by multiple men at once. My desires about sexual hunger and fulfillment with multiple people, about using my body to its maximum capacity.

Hotwife fantasies similarly get a lot of attention for where they might “come from” or what they “mean.” My question again is: what does it truly matter? If sex is consensual, pleasurable, and leads to growth or fun, then I’m not sure it really matters in order to have a good time.

I understand having curiosity about our fantasies, and while it would be magical to have some special deck of cards that told us what different sexual fantasies say about us as dreamers, it doesn’t exist. It’s up to you to paint the picture of desire and fulfillment and what it all means.

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

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Do you ever feel helpless or in need of rescue? It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help, and to recognize the interdependency of life. The value of individualism propagated in the United States is, in my opinion, way overrated. Asking for and receiving help is part of life, and it doesn’t mean that your journey is less valuable. or that your identity or character is less admirable. Becoming comfortable with the vulnerability that interdependency necessitates will help you see what in your life you can truly control, what you can’t, and where relying on others will not only help you survive, but help you thrive. Don’t only reclaim your strength and power, as your fragility and vulnerability is just as important.

I now affirm that I am a capable and competent human being.

I now affirm I have the strength and flexibility to meet every challenge.

I now affirm that I can ask for help when I need it, and that I will still be respected.

Help_Life_Saver_PreserverA man drowning in the sea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*A note about my weekly affirmations:

I subscribe to the Enneagram Institute‘s EnneaThought, which sends me a daily affirmation or reminder based on my number (I’m a 2). I have adapted many affirmations from these daily emails to create my weekly affirmations for this blog. I have also begun investigating other numbers to create affirmations that are geared toward other personality descriptions. Just so ya know, and if you are interested in having another way to receive regular reminders and meditations.