Sex Dolls & Sex Toys

A friend passed on this article today: A (Straight, Male) History of Sex Dolls and I think it’s worth a post.

Female-bodied folks use toys to get off: vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, nipple clamps… there is even the Sybian rider (aka the fuck machine) and a Hitachi attachment for the Sawz-all. There’s some intense stuff out there, all to help women feel good and get off, with or without the help of a partner. Male-bodied folks use toys too, and they have a similar range of intensity. There are various kinds of masturbation sleeves and ass/prostate toys and synthetic vaginas and mouths and asses, among many others. And, there are dolls.

And like the article mentions, both men and women buy and use dolls, and 10% of the market is male dolls. However, this leaves the vast majority of dolls female, as well as the vast majority of buyers and users male.

My main question:

Do sex dolls objectify people, and women in particular (since the majority of dolls are female)?

Do sex toys in general distance people from human interaction?

Do sex dolls, toys, and other sexual aids (I’m thinking here of simulated child porn) help or hurt sexual health, equality, and consent?

I think toys in general are awesome. Like birth control, they help people own their sexuality and sexual health, taking responsibility for pleasure and sexual satisfaction. They also are awesome to use with partners and expand a couple or group’s sense of sexual variety, exploration, and intelligence. They aid in personal and relationship awareness, communication, and growth. And for that, I am all for toys.

Are people who own sex dolls patriarchal misogynists with an inability to connect to real people? Or are they simply acting on a kink in a safe way?

I think, with most things, there is probably a spectrum of folks out there using dolls, for a variety of reasons that I would and would not agree with.

For sure, I would rather see someone who gets off on violence against women acting on those desires with a doll than a real person. Similarly, I would rather see a pedophile masturbate to simulated child porn than assault a child.

I also think that dolls are probably a great aid for people who are isolated or have disabilities that make sex with a person difficult or impossible.

And, like several interviewees in the article, there are obviously folks who truly seem to enjoy sex dolls purely because they are dolls. In this way, it just comes across as a kink.

I think the rub comes for me when someone who doesn’t typically or superficially ascribe to patriarchal ideas, like ownership over women’s bodies, uses a doll because of how that relationship could shape that person’s beliefs and attitudes about women in general. Could owning a doll and having sex with it and not having to relate to the doll in ways that one would with another person influence how the doll-owner later interacts and treats women?

And how is a man having sex with a doll different than a woman getting off from a cock-like dildo? I think the difference for me is that doll-owners reportedly “have sex with” their dolls; I’m not sure if I would ever say I had “sex with” my dildo. I got off, I masturbated, I came. But I didn’t have sex with it. The relational aspect of doll ownership and doll sex, and the ownership itself, is what is thought-provoking and potentially concerning.

I don’t have as strong of an opinion as the article’s author does;  I don’t think sex dolls are anti-feminist or immediately objectify and degrade women. Having sex with inanimate objects that resemble women has a long history, and a certain population’s desire for that doesn’t seem likely to go away. Having a healthy outlet for that desire should be available to people, although I feel as cautious about look-alike dolls as I do about simulated child porn. And really, I think my caution has more to do with the fact that it’s difficult to acknowledge that people have desires that create discomfort for me: it’s difficult to acknowledge that people are attracted to inanimate objects and children and even more difficult to say that people with those desires deserve healthy outlets, not only so they don’t hurt people but so they too can have sexually healthy lives.

Thoughts?

It Was Like Maui

We had met, friends of friends, on the nude beach. You were sexy but we didn’t talk. I thought about fucking you, but thought maybe we weren’t a good match. I was wrong.

I was in Maui a year ago, and  I met someone off of Craigslist. He came over twice, both times, hardly said a word and fucked me almost senseless. Pushed my legs up to my face, spanked me, came all over me. It was perfect. You remind me of him, of that crazy good experience.

You grab me tonight when you see me, and tell me how good I look; grope and massage my ass. I am electrified. Later, you get off your shift, pass by with a drink. Say hi, tell me how attractive I am. I tell you that you are as well. I ask to get your number. After giving it to me, we start to make out. Roughly, hungrily, and I think- this feels familiar. It’s like Maui. You ask if I want to fuck. And I say yes.

We go into the room, and tear our clothes off. You go down on me, start fingering me, and it’s like Maui and magic- you just already know, without me having to tell you, how to make me come. You moan when I squirt, and make me do it again and again. Soon, I go down on you, and you force my head down onto your cock, pulling my hair up and down, up and down. And then we both want more, and you thrust your cock into my pussy, and again- it’s like Maui. Rough and dominant and slightly aggressive- the energy feels electric. This is candy. This is the best of stimulants. My body feels weak.

We fuck with you on top and in doggy style. And when you come, you pull out and come all over my ass. How I wanted your bare cock and your come deep inside of me. But we’ll save that for next time.

We make out more, hurriedly, both gasping for air. I want to fuck you again.

Penis Facts, OKC, Defining Relationships

Links, links, links!

Last week was vagina facts, this week it’s time for: Penis facts!

OKCupid has been running experiments on all of us sorry online daters

I’m in love with this website for a documentary made on couples’ relationships; check out the poly/mono clip, cheating clip, best sex clip, and take a look at the activity they provide for couples. I love that they have hetero couples, gay couples, mono couples, poly couples, young and older people, wealthy and poor people: TheAnd

And, totally: This Is What Happens When You Ask A Bunch Of Gay Men To Draw Vaginas

Some research suggests that believing one’s relationship is a journey, and not destiny, make the relationship more resilient to challenges

Let’s redefine our relationships- is monogamy really that common?

And, explaining bisexuality to Larry King

 

Women in Crossfit

Last week I was at the gym and was completely captivated watching the women crossfit games on the TV. It was like something shifted deeply inside my gut watching buff, strong, muscle-y women lift weights, run, and be all-around bad asses. I am so used to the small and petite women gymnasts, ice skaters, cheerleaders. While I know buff women athletes abound during the Olympics, it’s something different to watch women do typical “manly” exercises like lift massive amounts of weight versus running around a track or swimming. I just loved watching these super fit, but not tiny, women compete with one another. That whole mantra, Fit is the new skinny, could be the tagline for crossfit. It’s not just “fit,” though- it’s “built.” It was inspiring.

Another experience from the week that I felt was worth sharing: I didn’t wear a bra to work one day. I don’t have large breasts, and so I know it’s far less noticeable, but I felt self-conscious the whole day. Upon telling J this via text, he responded with the best thing: “Just treat it like a feminist thing and be proud! You shouldn’t have to wear a bra to make other people comfortable.” When I read that, I sat up a bunch straighter, and felt immediately better. Yeah! Thanks J!

And, for the second very noticeable time in the past couple of weeks, I had an experience that is hammering home one of my most salient personal lessons right now: I’m not the center of attention all the time. I know that sounds juvenile and dumb, but that’s often where personal insecurities lie at their root I suppose. They are complaints from being two years old that have never quite grown up. Realizing that a new love has other new loves and isn’t as interested in creating something deep, and realizing that a new flame has other connections right now- examples of experiences that are hard for me to digest. But the simplicity of being honest about these feelings has helped immensely. I have just felt for moments here and there like this: What? What about me? Pay attention to ME! Hey, come on! I’m not the center of your world?! And then moments later, I snap out of it. It’s embarrassing, but it’s the truth. It is helpful to meditate on the scarcity versus plenty model of life, but only after I’ve snapped out of it.

Besides all that, my fabulous weekend consisted of yummy, hot casual sex, seeing friends, painting, dancing for buku bucks, and beaching. Thank goodness for ten hours of sleep last night!

Another Anniversary to Celebrate

Today marks one year since J and I celebrated our relationship with a fantastic ceremony and party. I can’t believe a whole year has passed- again. Time flies when you are having fun- it’s so, so true. I want to keep our September anniversary as our first date anniversary, and I love having our April 1 opening up anniversary. And it’s really fun to have a wedding anniversary and an anniversary to celebrate when we got legally married.

Truly, we could be celebrating every day over some milestone that has happened for our relationship. And for that, I am so grateful.

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I absolutely love having J in my life and getting to share my life with someone so intimately. I love building a home and waking up next to him and finding new sexy friends to explore things with and going to the nude beach and walking our dog and trying a new fitness video with him- and so much more. I love living with my life partner, and I feel so joyful in my current relationship circumstances with him. Thank you J for another great year. You are my rock and I love you so much!

In thinking about long term relationships, what is important to you? Do you prefer to live with your partners? Do you want to combine finances, share benefits, plan for vacations away together? Do you prefer to sleep every night with them in the same bed? Do you want to get legally married? Do you ever want to have a ceremony with friends and family? How much separateness and closeness sounds ideal to you? Do you want weekly date nights? How do you share love and affection? How will continue to give appreciation for a partner that feels so familiar? How will you negotiate the inevitability of being attracted to others?

May we all continue to negotiate our intimate and long term relationships with honesty, grace, peace, and love.

Stripping is Way Better than Walmart

This is another great recapitulation from another sex worker about why sex work was preferable to her than working at Walmart.

Which reminds me: I am participating in a local dancer’s photography and interviewing project. She is interviewing dancers about their experiences with stripping and then having her friend take photos of each person in the many spaces of their lives (home, play, work, etc). We met up this past week and she asked me all about it: where have I worked, how long, my stage name, my pre-work routine, how the work as impacted me, the best and worst things that have happened to me while dancing, if I have experienced discrimination as a result of stripping, if I think of stripping as anti-feminist or uber-feminist, and more. It was fun and refreshing to talk with another Portland dancer, and great to hear about her experiences as well. I’m not yet exactly sure what kind of photos I will be comfortable taking, but excited to be a part of the project.

Other Portland-y things in the stripper scene going on: there are folks interested (again) in making a documentary on Portland strippers. It’d be cool if it happens! Also, an acquaintance of mine is suing her club for back wages. I am so excited for her, although she is going to need so much support through this.

And: Today is the one year anniversary of the Sex Worker Film Series in Portland! If you have time and interest, the event and film starts at 7pm at the Clinton Street Theater!

And… tonight is my first Saturday night at my new club! Wish me luck- I plan on having lots and lots of fun ;)

More On Sexual Agreements

Okie dokie, more discussion on Amara Charles’ Sexual Agreements.

Like I do, I have pulled out my favorite passages to share with you all, and bolded sections that I found particularly powerful. I enjoy sharing directly from the author, so you can get a true sense of their words and intentions.

Adding on to my general impressions from last week, I will emphasize again that while Charles has a specific viewpoint of what open relationships look like (you always put your partner first, having multiple partners has no name and is necessarily casual, etc), this book is a fresh and fast read for thinking about how, when, and why one would have honest conversations with partners about sex, freedom, and security. I recommend the book as another approach to kick-starting sexual honesty within relationships.

Favorite passages and notes:

“…there is no simple answer to the question of sexual freedom within a relationship. It is a very private and personal agreement between partners. One thing I do know is that when one begins exploring outside the accepted rules that most people live by, serious questions arise. As soon as some of the long-held inhibitions about sex start to shift, a new curiosity sets in. Many partners want to try different things and explore new sexual possibilities. An idea of greater sexual freedom arises. There is the idea of greater communication and more sensitivity, but there is little experience. A lot of miscommunication, fear, and deep emotions can rise to the surface.” (pxv)

“For whatever reason, honest communication about sex can trigger emotional upheavals within our relationships. When we begin to express intimate sexual feelings our fear, jealousy, possessiveness, or anger can easily arise. Sexual energy is very powerful, making it important that we be patient and tolerant with our self and our partner. It takes time and great care to make changes in our sexual ways. There are going to be doubts and mistakes. I haven’t met anyone who started creating sexual agreements without making some mistakes along the way.” (pxvi)

“Consciousness within our relations is the great awakening. It is only because of fear that consciousness remains cluttered. At some point, however, one notices how much of our precious life is wasted by living in the confusion and doubt we carry about sex.” (pxvii)

“Broken agreements can foster tension and mistrust. There is a way, however, to bypass all the drama and emotional battles that ensue. Rather than argue over who did what or who said what, determine why the agreement is not working in the first place. In other words, it is useless to blame each other. Take another look at the agreement itself.” (p4)

“You will know when you have created an understanding between you that is mutually beneficial because living these agreements will generate greater trust and intimacy, and more love between you.” (p5)

Common mistakes made when making agreements: misunderstanding the agreement, boundaries versus agreements (analogous here to to what Veaux and Rickert in More Than Two would call rules versus agreements), making agreements at the wrong time, keeping true feelings hidden, assuming the agreement is finished, ignoring small transgressions, forgetting agreements between self and spirit,

“Treat the fulfilling of agreements as sensitive journeys into new territory, even if you have had the agreement for years.
Talk to each other every time something within an agreement is put to the test. Do this all the time, not just the first time. Even though this may seem obvious or trivial, many forget to connect intimately and thank their partners for their trust and care.” (p15)

“A powerful way to alter patterns of broken agreements in your relationship is to completely honor all your personal agreements. The more care you give regarding your own honesty, truth, and integrity in all matters, the more grace you will have within your intimate sexual agreements. Honor the spirit and the letter of every single agreement you make, and the level of integrity with your intimate partner will increase.” (p16-7)

Sexual agreements within monogamous relationships:

“Agreements that are mutually beneficial nourish each part- ner and allow the deepest gifts of both to flourish. They are not about trapping one another into staying faithful or roping each other into a tangle of heavy obligations. A good agreement is continually clarifying why you want to be together.
To stay with anyone, it is important to keep asking yourself why you want to be together. Most people assume they know. It seems obvious because there are children, a house, and career(s). All these things may be the fruits of your relationship. But if outer things are the reasons you are together, then monogamy will get stale and old—and the sex gets boring.” (p29)

“Being faithful and loyal, making a daily decision that “this is the one person I want to be with intimately” is a profound choice, but only when it’s chosen consciously.” (p30)

Sexual agreements within open relationships: “Freedom in relationships is a consequence of under- standing, care, and sharing good experiences with each other. Freedom does not come from demanding it. Neither does love.” (p41)

“Statistics show that most car accidents happen within 25 miles of home. Something similar happens with the people we are closest to. We relax our communication and we get lazy. We will often say or do things to an intimate partner we wouldn’t dream of saying or doing to a stranger. While we often reserve our “best” for our loved ones, unfortunately we dole out our worst qualities as well.” (p61)

“It’s important to have patience with this, because we were taught that agreements are about telling each other what we can and cannot do. We were not included in making the rules we live by, and we were not taught to create the kind of lives that include enjoying our lovers’ happiness and freedom. Most of us have inherited agreements that were attempts to limit, regulate, and guard what we think belongs to us. We have very little experience with being generous, tolerant, or wise with regard to each other’s feelings and needs—especially when it comes to sex.
Most agreements are efforts to make something turn out the way you want it to. They are attempts to possess someone, maintain the status quo, avoid discomfort, and lessen the shock of the unknown. The desire for some kind of guarantee that “we will be together forever” is actually the ego’s way of expressing its infantile, self-centered feelings of entitlement. Especially in the sexual arena, deep down one feels entitled to affection, love, and sex. The ego tries to protect itself by seeking to obtain a guarantee in hopes of getting what it wants. Making agreements from this position is nothing more than an attempt to get from people what you think they owe you.” (p61-2)

“As a thunderstorm leaves clear fresh air in its wake, the upheavals in our intimate relationships generate waves of opportunity that carry the promise of improving our lives considerably.” (p64)

“The secret to keeping casual sexual experiences as harmonious and empowering aspects within our sexual life is to be clear about what each encounter is, what it is for, and to be clear about what it is not.” (p74)

“…the sweet intimate companionship that an enduring love relationship provides, a casual encounter cannot. Whereas waves of sexual passion will ebb and flow like seasons during the span of an enduring partnership, the whole beauty of a casual encounter is its brevity.” (p75)

“Transformational sex can range from enjoying a cozy evening with our lover, to self-pleasuring with images of the moon and stars, to an unusual encounter with a stranger. It all depends on the intention you carry in your mind.” (p80)

“It is important to understand the difference between our body’s need for sex, and the need we have for intimacy in a relationship. When we are healthy our body has surges of sexual feeling. Totally ignoring the body’s needs is as harmful as carelessly indulging in every sexual urge. Women and men need both emotional intimacy and physical sex. There is no need to feel guilty about either one. At times our needs for intimacy and sex may converge, but at times we can satisfy them separately. It is beautiful when they are met at the same time with the same person, but this may not always be the case. Be clear about the differences and do not mistake one thing for another. What matters is understanding that both our sexual needs and intimate needs are equally important yet different. Sexual passion is as important as sensuous intimacy. They may not always be equally expressed or satisfied and may be met together or separately in different ways.” (p83)

“It is as if we are simultaneously wired to seek the safety of an intimate relationship while at the same time we also want the freedom to enjoy whatever we find attractive. Unless we learn to consciously create both the security we need as well as the room to explore the variety of what arouses us, our agreements are destined to confine us rather than become platforms for lift off into deeper experiences of life. Good sexual agreements ensure that we will have the comforts of intimacy and the freedom to explore our natural sexual attractions as well.” (p85)

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