Tag Archives: boundaries

Talking About Sex Work with Partners

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I recently responded to a question my lovely friend Lo got at her blog suggestivetongue. I’m curious what my readers here think about the response I wrote.

J read the reader’s question as fairly antagonistic, and like the reader was actually pretty upset over his partner’s possible past sex work. How do you read it? Would you have suggested anything differently?

Here’s the link: Question: Bringing Up Escorting

Hotwife Ethics

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I came across this search time that someone used and then found my blog, and I’m not totally sure what was meant behind the phrase. But, I’ll take a stab at it anyway.

The ethics of hotwifing parallel the ethics of ethical nonmonogamy, at least in my experience.

Good experiences are built around transparency, honesty, communication, and consent. Hotwifing, one option part of the larger ethically nonmonogamous umbrella, requires all people involved to understand their motivations, desires, and role as best they can  in order to fully conceptualize and consent to the relationship- whether that relationship is a primary partnership, friends-with-benefits relationship, or fuck buddies relationship (and obviously other secondary or simply other relationships present- I mentioned the others since they seem to be more common in a hotwifing relationship dynamic).

More broadly speaking, hotwifing relationships are ethical if all parties involved want said relationship. If you are concerned about the ethics of nonmonogamous relationships (like how ethically nonmonogamous relationships go against the grain of social and religious norms), then I would suggest doing further reading and reaching out to folks practiced in the area.

More specifically, the hotwifing dynamic can introduce some special twists. Male primary partners and husbands often want to know specific details about an encounter, to hide in the house or room and watch or listen to a sexual encounter (without the other partner’s or bull’s knowledge), and sometimes an ability to vet or veto any potential partner (and also sometimes to ask for boundaries around emotional attachment to other partners). I think that these kinds of boundaries can pose some grey ethical boundaries depending on the context.

Is it ethical for the hotwife to bring home a one-night stand while her husband hides in the closet and watches and listens? What if that one-night stand turns into a regular partner? Can the husband continue to hide and watch/listen? Should the wife inform the other partner?

Similarly, is it ethical for the hotwife to divulge any and all details of a sexual encounter she had last night with a one-night stand to her husband? What if it’s with a regular friends-with-benefits?

On these issues, I tend to fall like this: If it’s a one-night stand, you owe the one-night stand your respect, honesty, and authenticity. If they ask you a question about your relationship, your safer sex practices, or how your male partner feels about something, you should answer honestly. Later, you can tell your husband everything (it’s also okay in my book if he was secretly present to watch or listen). However, if that one-night stand turns into something more long-standing, then the hotwife and/or husband have a responsibility to fully inform the other person of the degree to which the husband likes to be involved in the escapades, whether that is through voyeurism, participation, or in-depth knowledge. This gives the other person the ability to fully understand the relationship dynamics, his role, and therefore the ability to consent to the relationship. This also leads us to the possibility of a bull relationship (FWB or fuck buddy) turning into something more: making sure that your other partner understands any limits or boundaries around your relationship together will go quite a ways in preventing unnecessary heart ache.

Have any other specific questions about the ethics of hotwifing? Comment here or email me!

Have any thoughts about this? Comment and let me know!

Smoldering

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My heart dropped to my stomach, and the butterflies started.

“Hi!”

I am accustomed to saying hi to people when I am standing naked or half-naked in my club. But all of a sudden I was completely aware of every inch of my nakedness.

“Hi” he smiled. He looked the same as before, but even better.

All of a sudden my Saturday became infinitely more interesting and appealing and exciting. My insides went haywire, my nervous energy went through the roof, my desires electrifying me. As the only customer I had ever had that I would see outside of the club romantically, my usual calm was replaced by smoldering heat.

We sat down at the bar.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It was true. Last July was the last time, and we both knew it. The summer heat and the chemistry between us had culminated in an erotic time in the private dance room. I had given him free dances because I wanted to be there longer. I mostly sat on his lap, grabbing onto his hair, staying close. It was extremely hot. And then he had left, almost fled, really. And I didn’t see him again, and didn’t know if I ever would again. Until today.

We chatted. I filled him in on my school and work adventures, and then he said:

“I had to reign myself in after that last time I was here. I actually had a girlfriend then and still do… I was afraid that it would have gone further if I didn’t keep myself from coming back in to see you.”

I nodded, unsurprised, unphased. Many people who come in are partnered, and it’s just part of the business. People often want a pseudo girlfriend or to find a fantasy. I fill the role as I please, knowing that the club is as far it goes.

He, however, was afraid that I would be offended that he hadn’t told me the truth. I wasn’t, which he found to be a gracious offering.

My nervous energy continued to ebb and flow, and I found a piece of me totally deflated. Sad. Hungry for the connection that couldn’t be satisfied. Was he coming in as a test to himself? To see if he could leave after one beer? Or two? Or three? During my third set of the time he was there, he finally moved from the bar to the table closest to the stage. When I got off, he said:

“Well it’s confirmed. I can’t resist you. I have to make the executive decision to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave right now.”

My bumbling, fumbling, horribly awkward self was barely able to make coherent conversation while he had been there, and all of a sudden I found myself with even fewer words to hold onto. It was like trying to pick up a bar of soap in the shower, or taking off a wet swimsuit. Horrible and aggravating.

He left after a hug and I didn’t even get a way to stay in touch with him. No number, no last name, nothing.

I had asked earlier, “Will I ever see you again?”

To which he replied: “I don’t know.”

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When Fantasies Hurt

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I have seen a few different search terms in my stats that indicate people are searching for resources around what to do when a particular fantasy is hurting their relationships. I think the idea behind this scenario is that a partner has shared a fantasy with you and perhaps now you feel insecure about yourself or your relationship and maybe you wish you didn’t know about the fantasy. Maybe your partner is so insistent on sharing the fantasy, or even making it materialize, that you are closing yourself off from your partner and are starting to feel like you are sexually incompatible.

That is a tricky, and probably painful, situation. What do you do?

First, I think it’s important to recognize that everyone has fantasies. We probably have different fantasies, but we are entitled to our own. They are ours, just like our feelings and thoughts are our own. Try cultivating your sense of independence around your fantasies and work on respecting your partner(s)’s imaginative boundaries as well.

Second, it can be helpful to view the sharing of fantasies as an intimacy-building component of a relationship. Viewed from this light, when a partner shares a fantasy, they aren’t doing it to make you feel less-than or insecure about yourself or your relationship, but because they feel close enough and safe enough with you to share a vulnerable part of themselves. It could even be viewed as a form of coming out, depending on how deeply someone has held onto a fantasy, and how much it makes up their sexual identity.

Third, it could also be helpful to work on assessing your own sexual intelligence and your ability to be GGG (Dan Savage’s acronym for good, giving, and game), in addition to your sexual soft and hard boundaries. Is the fantasy initially squicky to you? Can you imagine indulging it in some way, in some circumstances? Are you willing to talk about it or try it? Is it something that is absolutely non-negotiable to you?

Fourth, I think that Dan Savage has it right regarding the idea that people deserve to evaluate relationships not just based on traditional compatibility measures (personality, finances, living, kids, religion, etc) but on sexual compatibility as well. Try thinking of sex as a distinct category that you can use in evaluating your relationship with someone. It doesn’t make you shallow or ungrateful to evaluate a relationship based on your sexual compatibility: it makes you honest and it shows you are invested in assessing the long term sustainability of a relationship. (Obviously, determining how important a sexual incompatibility issue is to you is important in this as well. Maybe the sexual incompatibility isn’t that important to you, and maybe it’s a huge deal. Only you can answer that.)

Fifth, approach your partner with your honest feelings and thoughts around the fantasy sharing and start brainstorming possibilities for moving forward. Is the fantasy triggering some insecurities for you? What do you need from your partner? Do you need your partner to stop sharing the fantasy with you? Do you simply need some emotional reassurance? Would it be helpful to have some boundaries around sharing- for instance, we can talk about the fantasy a few times a week, and other times need to be reserved for other erotic play/talk?

Lastly, if the fantasy is taking up a large amount of space in your relationship (maybe it’s turned into a “third partner”) and it’s not a presence you want at all in any way, maybe it’s time to come to terms with the fact that you are not sexually compatible and move on to more compatible relationships. (And: if your partner is pushing you to do things that you are not comfortable with, that is another flag that your relationship is not sustainable. If you are uncomfortable, that is a sign that the fantasies may not be for you and maybe that your partner is not respecting your feelings and boundaries, which is not a healthy or satisfying way to be in relationship with someone.)

I’ll say for myself that J and I have gone through a little bit of this. Not in terms of really sharing fantasies that hurt one of us (at least to my knowledge) but in carving out specific times for specific kinds of erotic play (“we’ve talked about that a lot this week, I want to talk about this other fantasy tonight”). I have also had flashes of jealousy before in hearing some of J’s fantasies, but those feelings have largely been founded in fears that the fantasy would turn into reality and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to handle it right then. When I can ground myself in the moment and see the hotness of his fantasy myself, I have calmed myself down quite a bit, and been able to enjoy our erotic sharing (and, am also able to emotionally calm down over the long run with the confidence that I could handle it if the fantasy turned into a reality).

Have you ever shared a fantasy that has hurt your partner in some way? Have you ever been hurt by a partner’s fantasy? How have you negotiated that?

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I Am Yours

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Last night I saw “I Am Yours,” one of the films at this year’s Portland International Film Festival. For some reason, my friend and I thought it was a comedy (which is partly why we chose it)- but it wasn’t. So instead of having a piece of light-hearted and fluffy entertainment, I received something deeper to reflect on.

Here is the synopsis from the PIFF website:

**

I AM YOURS

DIRECTOR: Iram Haq – NORWAY

Mina is a young single mother living in Oslo with her six-year-old son Felix. A Norwegian-Pakistani, she has a troublesome relationship with her family, who blame her for her divorce. Understandably: she’s a natural flirt, and while she has plenty of male companions, they tend not to hang around for long. One day, Mina meets Jesper, a Swedish film director, and they fall head over heels in love, but boy and man don’t exactly see eye to eye…. “I wanted to make a very naked and true story…. Often we see female characters being as good a person as possible. Mina is a normal human being, always running after being loved but not knowing what love is.”—Iram Haq. This year’s Norwegian submission for the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar.

**

The movie opens with Mina masturbating to porn- I already knew I was going to like her. And from there on out, we see that she accepts and welcomes her sexuality. Although her family is a traditionally hierarchical and patriarchal Indian family, she has somehow managed to divorce a husband (seemingly because she flirted too much with other men) and keep up with various lovers. I appreciated witnessing a character that has unbridled lust, a complex sense of what it means to be a parent, and a complicated way of interacting with her son, parents, and lovers.

The film illustrates the control her family seeks to have over her and her sexuality perfectly- it is unflinching and suffocating.

As I watched Mina run from lover to lover, I was struck by the title of the movie- “I Am Yours.” That seems to capture Mina’s approach to relationships and love- handing all of herself over to whatever romantic partner is in front of her. But that leaves her with none of herself to tend to. Even the modeling from her family around parental-child relationships and love show that parents do not love and accept their children unconditionally, a pattern that she does not exactly emulate although she does end up physically abandoning her own child. I kept rooting for her silently: You are all yours! Through her parents trying to control her life and her relationships, her ex husband pressuring her to behave in different ways as a parent, and her various lovers manipulating and using her in ways that suit only them, I watched her hand over herself to the people in her intimate life and then silently move through her days. The movie ends quietly, with her alone. I was left wishing that she finds herself, collects all of the pieces of herself she has given away unknowingly, and reclaims her sense of identity.

I think the movie shows the rub between different value systems: interdependence and familial obligation, individualism, sexuality as freedom, sexuality as sin. If you have a chance or ability to see the film for yourself, I recommend it.

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

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This week I want to focus on reclaiming my sense of self, wholeness, and aloneness. Being truly peaceful with myself as a solitary individual allows me to be authentically peaceful and loving when I move into my partnership(s), friendships, and larger community. Being alone used to legitimately freak me out; I simply equated it with loneliness, and being left or forgotten about or excluded from something.  As I have gotten older and had the experiences that I have had, it has become more and more clear to me that I enjoy being alone- quite a bit actually.  Feelings of exclusion are still challenging for me to fight off, but focusing on what I gain from understanding my aloneness and how I can cultivate and capitalize on my aloneness helps me move through my life more independently and confidently.

I now affirm that I will always be alone, and that I will always be okay.

I now affirm that I can assert my boundaries, and that I will still be loved.

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Lust & Marriage

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I had the privilege of witnessing this fabulous production, “Lust & Marriage.” A good friend recommended I attend, and I am so glad that I did. I would even go back next weekend to see it again.

I felt like this woman practically wrote my story (minus Burning Man and taking ecstasy and other drugs). She pulled out so many recognizable names and concepts, so many familiar emotions and experiences. (Dan Savage, Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, The Giving Tree)

I was sitting there, front row, and in the first 20 minutes, I thought:

If only I had this play to watch when I was in high school.

What lessons I would have gained when I was younger, what connections I would have made, what connections would have become less entrenched.

We need metaphors and art and expression like this. We need it desperately. It’s one thing for me to sit here on my couch and blog about how I feel and think and what I want and need. Verbal processing only gets me so far. I also need to the non-verbal: the drawing, the dancing, and the watching. Watching someone else tell a story in such a beautiful and genuine way. It almost made me cry on the way home.

Go see it, and if you can’t, stay on the lookout for future productions!