When Fantasies Hurt

I have seen a few different search terms in my stats that indicate people are searching for resources around what to do when a particular fantasy is hurting their relationships. I think the idea behind this scenario is that a partner has shared a fantasy with you and perhaps now you feel insecure about yourself or your relationship and maybe you wish you didn’t know about the fantasy. Maybe your partner is so insistent on sharing the fantasy, or even making it materialize, that you are closing yourself off from your partner and are starting to feel like you are sexually incompatible.

That is a tricky, and probably painful, situation. What do you do?

First, I think it’s important to recognize that everyone has fantasies. We probably have different fantasies, but we are entitled to our own. They are ours, just like our feelings and thoughts are our own. Try cultivating your sense of independence around your fantasies and work on respecting your partner(s)’s imaginative boundaries as well.

Second, it can be helpful to view the sharing of fantasies as an intimacy-building component of a relationship. Viewed from this light, when a partner shares a fantasy, they aren’t doing it to make you feel less-than or insecure about yourself or your relationship, but because they feel close enough and safe enough with you to share a vulnerable part of themselves. It could even be viewed as a form of coming out, depending on how deeply someone has held onto a fantasy, and how much it makes up their sexual identity.

Third, it could also be helpful to work on assessing your own sexual intelligence and your ability to be GGG (Dan Savage’s acronym for good, giving, and game), in addition to your sexual soft and hard boundaries. Is the fantasy initially squicky to you? Can you imagine indulging it in some way, in some circumstances? Are you willing to talk about it or try it? Is it something that is absolutely non-negotiable to you?

Fourth, I think that Dan Savage has it right regarding the idea that people deserve to evaluate relationships not just based on traditional compatibility measures (personality, finances, living, kids, religion, etc) but on sexual compatibility as well. Try thinking of sex as a distinct category that you can use in evaluating your relationship with someone. It doesn’t make you shallow or ungrateful to evaluate a relationship based on your sexual compatibility: it makes you honest and it shows you are invested in assessing the long term sustainability of a relationship. (Obviously, determining how important a sexual incompatibility issue is to you is important in this as well. Maybe the sexual incompatibility isn’t that important to you, and maybe it’s a huge deal. Only you can answer that.)

Fifth, approach your partner with your honest feelings and thoughts around the fantasy sharing and start brainstorming possibilities for moving forward. Is the fantasy triggering some insecurities for you? What do you need from your partner? Do you need your partner to stop sharing the fantasy with you? Do you simply need some emotional reassurance? Would it be helpful to have some boundaries around sharing- for instance, we can talk about the fantasy a few times a week, and other times need to be reserved for other erotic play/talk?

Lastly, if the fantasy is taking up a large amount of space in your relationship (maybe it’s turned into a “third partner”) and it’s not a presence you want at all in any way, maybe it’s time to come to terms with the fact that you are not sexually compatible and move on to more compatible relationships. (And: if your partner is pushing you to do things that you are not comfortable with, that is another flag that your relationship is not sustainable. If you are uncomfortable, that is a sign that the fantasies may not be for you and maybe that your partner is not respecting your feelings and boundaries, which is not a healthy or satisfying way to be in relationship with someone.)

I’ll say for myself that J and I have gone through a little bit of this. Not in terms of really sharing fantasies that hurt one of us (at least to my knowledge) but in carving out specific times for specific kinds of erotic play (“we’ve talked about that a lot this week, I want to talk about this other fantasy tonight”). I have also had flashes of jealousy before in hearing some of J’s fantasies, but those feelings have largely been founded in fears that the fantasy would turn into reality and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to handle it right then. When I can ground myself in the moment and see the hotness of his fantasy myself, I have calmed myself down quite a bit, and been able to enjoy our erotic sharing (and, am also able to emotionally calm down over the long run with the confidence that I could handle it if the fantasy turned into a reality).

Have you ever shared a fantasy that has hurt your partner in some way? Have you ever been hurt by a partner’s fantasy? How have you negotiated that?

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Jacuzzi Tub: Where It’s At

I don’t know if I have used a jacuzzi tub before, and if I have, I certainly had never used one like I used one tonight.

J and I had showered together, and it was pretty routine: share the water, shampoo, soap, scrub, wash face, rinse, smack each other’s asses, kiss a little. And then the chemistry that I feel with him came rushing over me, the burning want-you sensation in my abdomen and pussy.We started making out more and more. I knelt down, started sucking his cock, taking him in deeper and deeper into my mouth. We switched positions, and my pussy has never felt so good. I half-pulled him back up and turned around, guiding his cock into my aching pussy. He pounded me, coming closer and closer to coming. Every so often he would pull out and rub my clit so I come come, melting with the hot water.

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He left for a moment to grab a cock sheath, and we started filling up the tub. My heart was pounding, my pussy aching for more. Sometimes it takes a lot of warm-up in order for me to take a cock sheath, but not so much tonight. I wanted it. After J slid his sheath on, we resumed our standing doggy style position, and he pounded me harder, faster, harder.

I had J sit on the edge of the tub so I could slide down onto his cock riding him hard, up and down, back and forth. We made out, he slapped my ass, pulled my hair.

Then, the part that made me hottest: J sat in the tub, and I got on top of him. The buoyancy of the water, the jets and bubbles: they were all too much for me to handle. J’s cock and the sheath were making my pussy wetter and wetter, pulsating more and more with every motion I exerted. Before long I was rubbing my clit furiously, coming harder and harder, shuddering with the desire for this man I love and want.

I wanted J’s come inside me, to fill me up. I whispered dirty things to him, fantasies of ours we share, and I told him what I wanted him to do to me. We even role played a little, the first time ever.

Thank you Seattle, for a fabulous vacation. Thank you jacuzzi tub, for making my hot sex even hotter.

Frustrated Coming

J was fingering me- rubbing my clit, reaching inside my pussy. Kissing my neck. Rubbing furiously. My mind was racing:

Come dammit! COME!! Why am I not coming?? Have I been using my Hitachi too much?! Is my clit calloused? Have I damaged myself? I want J to get me off! I’m a bad partner if I can’t come with my partner! Right?? What’s wrong with me? Come! COME! COME!!
Needless to say, I didn’t come. Talk about performance anxiety. It all felt so good, and yet my body was just aching to come and couldn’t. My legs started twitching and aching and kicking, and I started to cry. I just want to come, I whimpered.

J offered to tell me a story. What do you want to hear about? he asked.

I want to have sex with a girl, I said softly.

First of all, J is the master of dirty talk these days. Second of all, a lot of my masturbation fantasies lately are about women. Long story short, I found out that my clit is not broken after all! (Whew)

J’s story took me to our swingers’ club, where I met a super hot girl. We make eye contact, we start dancing in the cage together, slowly taking finger tips to touch each other. Bam! I came once. And as the story progressed, I came like five or six more times. I don’t even think J finished the story! A testament to his story-telling skills. And just generally him being an amazing lover.

Last night, J and I went to our swingers’ club and while it was kind of a weird vibe there and not very many people in our age cohort, we did end up meeting a new, cute, young couple. The woman and I ended up kissing a little, which I loved. My big mistake?! Not giving them our email address before we left! What the heck?! Who does that? Apparently me, when I’m a little buzzy from both too much wine and kissing a girl.

So, if you’re out there, cute girl, I hope I see you again.

A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps

After J and I saw “Breaking Through” we stopped off at our swingers’ club to meet up with a sexy friend. 

I think my blog post title really sums my feelings from the evening:
A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps.

Maybe that isn’t always true, but I think it might be (for me)!

It was just a sexy night. I rarely drink, but last night I got nice and buzzed and really felt like my inhibitions were lowered (not that I needed them to be- but it was still fun). My friend and I made out and groped each other, and after not too long, I took him into a room. Delicious oral sex, lots of coming, and lots of pounding ensued. It was so fun! And such a release, so cathartic.

And then coming home with J, and doing that again complete with dirty talking and my Hitachi. Sometimes I feel like my life is so delicious, it just makes me want to laugh and cry.

And then I wake up the next morning, after a kind of crappy day yesterday, and think to myself: I fucking got this. I am ME and I’ll do what feels right! And if it’s being a kick-ass therapist who has different ideas about sexuality and relationships and a different way of operating and a different environment she wants to work in, so be it. I got this.