Tag Archives: performance issues

Performance Anxiety During Group Sex

Posted on by

My next DatingAdvice post is live today: What If You Can’t Perform During Group Sex?

I think this is a common thing for people (not just men) to be concerned about. Female bodies just have the luxury of hiding their physical arousal or non-arousal more easily.

What have you done during a group sex encounter when you experienced performance anxiety? What helped you?

Here’s the conclusion of the article; go read the rest if you’re so inclined! :)

“If your cock isn’t hard, there could be a number of reasons.

In a group sex situation, often a non-erect cock has more to do with self-pressure to perform, nervousness or unfamiliarity with the situation or partner(s) than it does with attraction or interest in the situation or people involved.

Simply talking about it with your partners can help redirect your attention and energy away from one of your body parts to engaging with the people in the room. Offer to go down on someone or make out with someone.

Do your best to be present and if you become physically aroused, awesome. If you don’t, awesome.

If you are in the presence of other sexually intelligent people, then they will respect your body and communication and go with the flow, too.

Just have fun, relax and enjoy yourself. How many people get to experience group sex, anyway?”

Frustrated Coming

Posted on by

J was fingering me- rubbing my clit, reaching inside my pussy. Kissing my neck. Rubbing furiously. My mind was racing:

Come dammit! COME!! Why am I not coming?? Have I been using my Hitachi too much?! Is my clit calloused? Have I damaged myself? I want J to get me off! I’m a bad partner if I can’t come with my partner! Right?? What’s wrong with me? Come! COME! COME!!
Needless to say, I didn’t come. Talk about performance anxiety. It all felt so good, and yet my body was just aching to come and couldn’t. My legs started twitching and aching and kicking, and I started to cry. I just want to come, I whimpered.

J offered to tell me a story. What do you want to hear about? he asked.

I want to have sex with a girl, I said softly.

First of all, J is the master of dirty talk these days. Second of all, a lot of my masturbation fantasies lately are about women. Long story short, I found out that my clit is not broken after all! (Whew)

J’s story took me to our swingers’ club, where I met a super hot girl. We make eye contact, we start dancing in the cage together, slowly taking finger tips to touch each other. Bam! I came once. And as the story progressed, I came like five or six more times. I don’t even think J finished the story! A testament to his story-telling skills. And just generally him being an amazing lover.

Last night, J and I went to our swingers’ club and while it was kind of a weird vibe there and not very many people in our age cohort, we did end up meeting a new, cute, young couple. The woman and I ended up kissing a little, which I loved. My big mistake?! Not giving them our email address before we left! What the heck?! Who does that? Apparently me, when I’m a little buzzy from both too much wine and kissing a girl.

So, if you’re out there, cute girl, I hope I see you again.

MFM- The Good and The Bad

Posted on by
K and I have continually been working to figure out exactly what it is that we want out of this “lifestyle” ever since we got into it.  We continually discuss our ideas about what we would like to see happen, what works for us, what we have had the most fun with, and what we would still like to try. 
 
Recently K decided that she would really like to try an MFM so we asked a friend of ours from a couple that we play regularly with to join us.  He, after some conversations with his own partner, agreed to try out the situation with us.  Because I (J) am not bisexual this meant that all of the focus would be on K; a situation that K thought sounded absolutely perfect!  Before getting in to this sort of “lifestyle” the idea of an MFM threesome was not a turn-on for me at all but after talking with K and hearing how excited she was about this sort of scenario, I was completely turned-on!  It helped me to realize that I get really turned on when K is really turned on (something that I had already suspected); so even though an MFM really doesn’t do anything for me personally. . .I was completely on-board with the idea because K was so excited about it!
 
So K and I had an MFM with this friend from another couple we play with frequently and the experience was awesome.  He is a really great guy and very respectful and polite; the three of us have a pretty good friendship and K has an especially good connection with him.  The experience was awesome and I was able to explore a whole new aspect of stuff that turns K on that I had never known about before!  (I am thinking here about the fact that K loves giving and receiving pleasure at the same time with two different men!) Overall the experience was really great because everyone got what they wanted; K got to have twice as much attention on her, J got to see K completely turned-on, and our friend got to be an integral part of making a sexual experience an awesome sexual experience for everyone involved! (Thanks J!)
 
While that MFM was a great experience, not all of them go so well. . .
 
After that MFM (and drawing on her experience and everything we have learned up to this point) K decided that what she really wanted was to meet some men that she thought were attractive and have primarily sexual relationships with them.  She is not comfortable meeting men alone (and we have a rule that before we play separately, we need to meet one another’s partners) so we decided to post an MFM ad on Craigslist and be very specific about what we were looking for.  The ad required people to write in complete sentences, use paragraphs and punctuation, come across as intelligent, and generally seem appealing.  Despite these requirements. . . most people (50+) failed miserably.  However, among the crowd there were a few standouts.
 
We went last night to a local microbrewery to meet with one of the standouts.  He was very polite and we had a good time chatting with him while we ate.  Despite his generally nice demeanor, he still had some characteristics that were a bit of a turn-off such as seeming a bit arrogant and not being willing to express a whole lot of emotion (smiling, laughing, etc).  When he walked away to use the restroom K and I had a rushed conversation about what we should do.  K really wanted my opinion about how to proceed but it was difficult for me to give advice in a situation that was primarily about her pleasure, not mine. After our discussion K decided that she wanted to invite him over and go through with the “MFM.”  I suggested that we merely invite him over to hang out and if it led to more, we could cross that bridge when we came to it.
 
So K invited him over and we watched some of our favorite television shows while chatting with him.  After about 20 minutes of hanging out, I remembered that I had told some friends that I would be online that evening to chat so I told K that I was going to sit at the table for a little bit and chat with them.   During the time that I was chatting with friends online, K asked me a few times if I wanted to do it (while she made out with this M) and I responded that I was still chatting with our friends online.  After about 10 minutes K and (the other M) got up and told me that they were going into the bedroom and that I should come in as soon as I was done chatting.
 
This was a huge turn-off for me.  I felt like I went from being the MF inviting an additional M to being the M invited to join an MF.  I was very put off by the situation so I stayed at my computer and continued to email people because I was not feeling up for joining in on that situation.  K came out to get me after about 15 minutes, which was exactly what I needed in order to not feel left out and I proceeded to join in on the fun.  As soon as I got in the room I was confronted with another issue that we have not yet come across since being involved in “group play” situations. . . the other M was particularly well-endowed (like a horse).
 
I have never before felt insecure about that aspect of my body but coming into this situation, I felt particularly bothered.  I was not immediately bothered by the situation but I did lose my confidence for a minute and felt unsure if I would be able to perform.  Most of the issues around this particular M’s “equipment” came up the next day when I talked to K about the situation.
 
K has often told me when I ask her about this aspect of our playmates, “I didn’t notice anything different.  They seem like they are pretty much the same size as you.”  Her response in this case was not the same at all; she merely looked flustered and embarrassed and said, “Well, it didn’t work for me.”  For some reason, this response only frustrated me more, it didn’t feel honest when she said it because it just seemed like an attempt to make sure that I would not feel insecure about the situation.  We continued to discuss this aspect of the evening throughout the day and it just seemed to get worse the more we discussed it. 
 
I just want to pause here and say, “Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational to feel like someone is going to be more satisfying just because they have a horse penis instead of a human penis.  Yes, I know about the studies of woman who are partnered with men who have micro-penises (less than 3”) actually report being more satisfied than woman partnered with average to well-endowed men.  Yes, I understand that it may be uncomfortable to have something that is particularly large going inside of that space.  YES, I get it all!”  OK, now back to the post.
 
As we were talking about it K made the comment that she could only handle sex of that intensity so often because it is just so intense. This comment only served to irritate me because I want her to describe sex with me as intense, not with some random M.  Apparently this was just a misinterpretation on my part because she meant “intense” as in. . . not good.
 
Anyway, that was only one issue that we ran into throughout the night.  Since K covered the other issues pretty well in her post, the only other issue that I am going to discuss is the blunders that I think this particular M made.
 
1) This M was attempting to have an MF scenario but settled for an MFM.  It was particularly stupid of K and I to allow this M to join us after learning that he was primarily looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex but settled for MFMs because it was easier to find NSA sex in that sort of scenario.  When we learned this about him I was immediately turned off because I thought that this may lead to trouble but K was not bothered by this aspect at all so I let it slide.  Looking back on this, it was a mistake to not point this out to K.  The situation would have been greatly improved if we had merely excused ourselves at that point in the evening.
 
2) This M did not offer to buy his own drinks at dinner.  It was annoying that he did not even reach for his wallet when the bill came.  Enough said.
 
3) This M almost left our house that evening without even saying goodnight to me.  I had gone to use the restroom (gone 60 seconds at most) and when I came out he was just about out of the door.  I didn’t think too much of it at the time but this really bothered K and it meant a lot to me that it bothered her even when I didn’t think much of it.  I think this final blunder was really the biggest mistake this guy make.  It merely confirmed that this guy merely wanted NSA sex in an MF scenario but that he had to settle for an MFM.  Not even saying goodnight to me or that it was nice to meet me was rude and inappropriate and it was probably the main reason we will never see this person again (oh yah, and his horse penis. . . just kidding :-) )
 
So, while the MFM can be awesome with the right people, it can also be a major disaster.  Haha, that sounds so obvious when I put it into writing because it is just like everything else in life.  So, this most recent MFM was not great but I am looking forward to another MFM in the future when everyone is excited and respectful and K can have twice the attention and action!