Tag Archives: self care

Anti anxiety medication and poly

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I was on Lexapro (an SSRI) for about a year for anxiety (related to body image and the fact that I started having panic attacks while driving and related to death)- coincidentally, the same year I was not posting on here. I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, and it’s still not entirely clear to me what I want to say.

During the year I was on Lexapro, J started dating my best friend. I think I surprised everyone when I didn’t have any huge reaction or need for reassurances from J or her. It was relatively easy for me, which at the time I chalked up to the fact that because she is my best friend, I felt highly secure, respected, and heard, and confident in my ability to communicate with both her and J when things came up. I think these things are true, and now I am also wondering if being on meds gave me a boost in managing intrusive and obsessive thoughts related to jealous feelings. I went off of Lexapro in late September, hopeful that my year of medication had perhaps reset some of my brain chemistry. I went back on it a month ago after a really hard weekend of body image anxiety and some ramping up of anxiety related to poly stuff.

My fear is this: do I need to be on medication in order to be a “successful” poly partner? (Which also clearly begs the question- what does “successful” even mean?) It has given me an extra hand in managing my hard feelings- I still have hard feelings, but the thoughts are less intrusive and obsessive and I’m more calm even in the midst of having shit feelings. In the fall when I was off of them, I managed things just fine- I also, however, was in full blown NRE with my boifriend. NRE is like the highest dose of Lexapro I can imagine being on. Things were easy because I was loving the shit out of him and my life. Now that my relationship with him has cooled off a bit, and things have heated up between J and his person/my best friend, I’ve noticed an increase in my shit feelings. 

Now that I’m back on Lexapro, things are starting to feel more even again. I like it. Part of me is fine with the idea of being on it for my whole life (why should my relationships and life be so much harder if they don’t have to be?) and part of me hates that idea. 

I’m curious about the prevalence of anti anxiety mediation use among folks in poly/open relationships. I’d imagine it parallels use in the general population, and I would never suggest that poly people are more anxious. I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, and my feelings of jealousy were perhaps more intense when I was in monogamous relationships than they are now, and I’m also highly conscious of the fact that being part of marginalized communities increases one’s sense of otherness. Anxiety can heighten when you need to be more on guard about who is going to include you and exclude you, and if you’re constantly trying to navigate who knows all of you and who doesn’t. 

Nonmonogamy research, gender, self care, and HIV

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Links to share:

This is a pretty fascinating summary of research done on the perception of different types of nonmonogamy; spoiler alert, poly folks were perceived to be more moral while swingers were perceived to be more adventurous.

A pretty awesome piece written on the lessons to be gained from dating someone in an open relationship

A fun compilation of vagina facts

Ginny on using language to be more gender-inclusive

The Gottman blog on self care, autonomy, closeness, and relationship interdependence

Interesting ideas on why childfree couples seem to cheat less than their counterparts with children

I love this infographic from The Lancet on HIV and sex workers:

Lancet-sex-work-infographic_930px (1)

Taking Care of Myself

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Quick recap of my past week or so:

Last Friday was a hard day. Not only did I find out that I did not get a job I had been holding out for, but I ended my work day being unable to provide emergency services to two survivors who were in desperate need. I was the only one left in the building, and at 5:50pm, I just sat on my yoga ball and cried for a few minutes. When I was done, I got a sticky note, and wrote down the things I was going to do that weekend to take care of myself. It included: finishing my kombucha, taking a bath, sleeping in, doing my nails, watching Game of Thrones, and basking in the sun. I am proud to say I did all of these things, except for getting caught up on GoT. But that’s okay, because now J and I have three episodes we can watch together all in a row (which is definitely better than one at a time).

Monday was a glorious day, deliciously all to myself. And even the moments when I felt like maybe I was “wasting” time, I knew deep down that I wasn’t. The day was spent exactly how it needed to be spent. I slept in, lingered over breakfast, got some things done on my to do list, went to the gym, interviewed for a friend’s book on sex and happiness (fantastic!! thanks for including me!), laid in the sun, took photos of myself naked in the sun, and generally loved on myself. Including pulling out my Lelo Ino for an awesome masturbation sesh (which, by the way, do y’all remember/know that May is National Masturbation Month?)

And! I happen to be enthralled with this amazing woman, and I only wish she lived closer. Although when I channel my inner Byron Katie, I know that it is how it should be, because that is how it is. We will enjoy each other through Facebook and Skype until we see each other in person. And when we see each other in person, it will be fantastic, that much I am certain of.

My parents are coming to visit next week. I’m trying to decide how public to be with my DatingAdvice contributions (using my full name or pseudonym, etc). I’m registering for fall classes next week. We’re flying down to the Bay Area in a couple of weeks for my sister’s college graduation. I’m planning a summer party with all of our best peeps. I’m almost done painting our house! J fixed our toilet AND sink! Life is full and rich as always. My BDD is feeling more manageable this past week, which is a relief.

Happy Spring!

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I’m 5 Again

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Going through counseling for body dysmorphic disorder is, recently, making me feel like I am 5 years old again. Perhaps because my BDD is mild-medium severe, the treatment isn’t super intensive. The “homework” I’ve done has certainly exacerbated my symptoms at times, but a lot of what my counselor has assigned me to do looks like your basic self esteem work (with some specific behavior abatement and exposure work, too).

For instance, some of my recent homework has been to:

-Make a list of things I like about myself, and put that list in the bathroom at home and on my desk at work.

IMG_20140520_145228_394-Objectively describe body parts, starting first with those that I am mostly satisfied with and working up to describing those that I am less or not at all satisfied with.

My counselor has encouraged me to recruit J into my homework (ask him what he likes about you!). I’ve been encouraged to strip more, to dance naked at Sesso more and wear less clothing– all of which are counter intuitive, but the counter intuitiveness is what exposure therapy is all about. “You’re weight matters a whole lot less than you think,” she keeps telling me. “People do not notice as much as you think.” I’m still not totally sure, but I’m trying to repeat those lines as my new mantra (it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter). Reading my positive qualities list is having a positive effect, I think: when I zone out at work, I’m at least reading positive self talk, instead of focusing on my stomach which feels too fat or what food I should or shouldn’t eat later in the day.

I’m working on my self confidence, which is something I had long dismissed as the work for a little kid- shouldn’t I have learned all of this already in life? And if I should have, I probably did, right? So I don’t need to work on it now? What I am realizing, is that self confidence takes maintenance, and needs to be built into my self care. Making clear associations between how I take care of myself and my other self care activities is important, too (feeling good that I go to counseling as a way to do personal work, feeling good doing the work that I do as a form of helping others, feeling good getting a hair cut as a way to take care of my hair, etc.). Maybe some people do just “have self confidence,” but I am finding out that I need to consciously work on feeling confident and happy with myself.

What things do you like about yourself?

Loneliness

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I’ve had a lonely couple of days, and am feeling less lonely today. Loneliness is one of those feelings that just sucks. There’s no way around it, except through it. I can’t run away from it (or any other feeling for that matter). I have to let it sit and eat out my heart until it’s done. Loneliness is a vastly different feeling than feeling alone. Aloneness is delicious- I can swim luxuriously through aloneness and enjoy me, myself, and I in my own bubble for a while. I am productive and creative and sensual when I am alone. But this lonely bullshit has been just that the past few days.

the-lonely-man

It helped to type into Google yesterday: what to do when you’re lonely. (I know, right? How old am I? How did I get to be almost 26 and not have this list ready-made in my head?)

Reading other blog articles was really helpful (I liked this one and this one). Here’s my list.

What Katie B Needs to Do When She’s Lonely

1. Cry. A fucking lot.

2. Call my mom. Cry some more.

3. Call a friend. Like, a really good friend. Someone who I can practically get a hug from over the phone.

4. Eat delicious food. Like a really awesome burger. With kombucha.

5. Take a hot shower.

6. Stretch.

7. Listen to new music.

8. Cuddle with my pup.

9. Read a new book.

10. Exercise. Endorphins help.

11. Talk to more friends.

12. Talk to J and receive the love.

13. Welcome loneliness. Say, “I’m not afraid of you. You can’t make me hurt all that much for all that long. So bring it.”

What do you do when you feel lonely?

Random Things

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I’m not sure what this post is about, but I realized I haven’t posted anything in a few days so I felt compelled to write something.

Here’s a cute self care thing I did a couple days ago: I wrote affirmations on individuals pieces of paper and put them in my heart coffee mug. They say things like:

I now affirm that I love others without expecting anything in return.

I now affirm the gratitudee for everything in my life.

I now affirm that I can assert my boundaries and still be loved.

I now affirm that my body is always changing and always beautiful and always perfect.

I have been picking one in the morning and one in the evening. It’s been a way for me to meditate and keep positive thoughts in my head throughout the day.

Also, I have had a number of job interviews this week and another lined up for next week. That is exciting!!

I have been waiting for my sex drive to pick back up. Since I met with my professor a month ago and J had his vasectomy, between my stress and his pain, our sex life took a bit of a plummet. I can feel my sexual energy gearing back up, but it hits me at random times. I can’t count on it yet.

If you want any random reading, here are some fun and interesting articles:

Friends with Benefits

What is Compersion?

The Year in Sex- Continuing in 2014

Cheers!