Breast Bikini Ever

I’m sure many people have seen this, but I needed to share it myself. It’s so awesome: The TaTa Top

Also, it was a crappy week for women’s reproductive rights.

The abortion ruling from SCOTUS


The Hobby Lobby ruling from SCOTUS

I enjoyed this post from the Gottman blog on emotional attraction

Any news-y news you want to share?

Tinder Update

So I’ve been on Tinder for a couple of weeks now… and my bottom line feelings are:

It’s just another mindless social media app.

I think this article sums up many of my feelings well, and it was written by an older guy.

That being said, there is much more activity as a woman looking to meet women than there is on OKCupid. It is nice that you can see who you have matched with, and I have received far more messages on Tinder than I do on OKC. So that’s cool and worth something. I haven’t yet actually met anyone off of Tinder, although a couple of connections look promising.

I think it’s also important to remember that Tinder may be used in different ways by different people. I haven’t tried using it for casual sex, although I *hear* that is how it’s used most successfully (as opposed to simply making friends or dating). I heard from a good friend who asked his Olympic athlete friends what their experience was like using Tinder- and it was a surefire way to get laid within an hour at Olympic Village. I just want to be a fly on the wall and see all that go down, you know? Maybe because I have super limited experience with really casual sex, I just can’t imagine scrolling through Tinder profiles, matching with someone, exchanging a few messages, and then getting down within an hour.

Any other thoughts and feelings that you all have about Tinder?

Current Reading

I just finished (in two days) David Levithan’s new book Two Boys Kissing. It is, obviously, a fast read, and one of the sweetest stories I have read in a long time. Not sweet in a saccharine way, but sweet in an achingly love-me/accept-me/born-this-way kind of way. The stories weave together beautifully, and the characters are portraits of common experiences. I loved it. Check it out!

Getting out of social media and digital connections. Watch this video for a poetic, rhyming reminder for the need to connect face-to-face, in-person with real people. It’s given me motivation to put myself out there recently, to say “yes” to social encounters that make me feel anxious. I can’t expect to make new connections without meeting people in person. I won’t know if I like someone or if they like me until we spend time together in person. I do think social media offers us a way to stay in touch with people we are not geographically close to, but when it becomes a voyeuristic black hole, I think it does start to damage our social and emotional worlds. Close your computer, leave your phone, and join the world again.

This post has been hugely popular lately: Stop Saying “I Have a Boyfriend” To Deflect Unwanted Attention. I think the author makes an excellent point. By using a male partner as an excuse for continuing a social interaction, we perpetuate an assumption that men speak for us, instead of us (women) speaking for us. Using the existence of a relationship seems a little different to me (Oh, I’m sorry but I’m married- instead of Sorry, I have a boyfriend), although it follows a similar path. I have shied away from using this excuse a number of times, for various reasons. Before J and I were open, I remember feeling uncomfortable using this line because I didn’t want someone to just stop talking to me because I had a boyfriend- I would still enjoy the social interaction, flirtation, or attention and didn’t want to someone to just stop interacting with me because I had a boyfriend. Since we have opened up, I have often opened up a complicated conversation by not simply saying “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m not interested,” because I like educating people on open relationships. The few times I have used the “I have a boyfriend” line I have felt cheap: I haven’t been honest about my situation and I haven’t done the open community any favors and I’ve given my agency away to a male partner/relationship as opposed to giving the honest “I’m not interested.” Complicated!

Poly Speed Dating in Portland!

“June 17: Poly Speed Dating!

Coming up in June: Portland’s very first inclusive, all-gender Poly Speed Dating night. It’s going to be awesome… please share with friends!

This is speed dating for nonomonogamous folks of all genders and sexualities, kinky and vanilla alike, ages 21+. We pair you up using a matchmaking system developed by relationship renegades in San Francisco. Couples and groups can date together or separately.

The event is Portland-based, but if you’re from Seattle or beyond and you are into meeting and dating people in the Portland/Vancouver area, please come on down!

Wondering if this is really for you? Have a look at the registration page: you can set your sights on half a dozen gender categories, and ask to meet kinky or non-kinky hotties, or both. Don’t love mingling? There’s an Introvert Corner to escape to during the breaks between dating rounds.

(We’re cooking up more special-interests events in the future. Sign up for email updates or send us your ideas at the website.)

Read more and REGISTER ONLINE at

We’re on Facebook too…
Share this event and invite your entire polycule:
Like our page and get nudged about future events:”



Tinder & Hook Ups

I recently got on Tinder. My short reaction is: it’s a weird app. It’s like “Hot or Not,” but more confusing: are people on there for hook-ups? Or dating? Or friend dating? Are the women I see actually interested in being with women? Or am I being shown women because I want to meet women, and are those woman more interested in hooking up with guys and friending with women?

And, in the vein of “Hot or Not” I am struck by the over-simplification of Tinder. How can I possibly tell if I want to meet someone, have sex with someone, or date someone based on a few profile pictures from Facebook? Most people have few words on their actual profile so it’s difficult to tell interests, hobbies, work and play activities, and personalities from profiles.

That being said, it’s a much better platform (so far it seems) than using the Casual Encounters section from Craigslist. Time will tell if from using the app I actually meet any fun and sane people.

So far, my strategy flipping through profiles is: too many selfies (particularly pouty face selfies) get a swipe to the left (no thanks) and smiles, outdoor pictures, and matched interests get a swipe to the right (sure, I’d meet them). One match has resulted in the start of a conversation. Who knows what may come of it 🙂

(Side note: I have two dates this week with women! Who is stoked?? This girl!)

Have you used Tinder? What has your experience been like?


Hump Day Links

Amazing Color Pictures of Showgirls’ Life at Nightclub, New York, 1958

The amazing Belle Knox at it again: I Don’t Want Your Pity: Sex Work and Labor Politics

(I’ve had a loyal friend and reader suggest I write something about Belle’s experience with being outed and all of the media around it. It’s been simmering in the back of my mind for a while. I’m going to try to write about it soon.)

Ukraine Got Talent – The world’s best pole dancer – Anastasia Sokolova

In the same vein: Steven Retchless- Pole Art 2013

This app looks amazing. Can’t personally vouch for it as I haven’t used it, but the idea of a safety planning tool is really rad: Kitestring

Many body positive, love your body photo sites (Tumblr, Pinterest). I am loving this one, and this one, and this one.

your body universe

bikini body

Gratitude & Mindful Things

I started a sex gratitude journal about six months ago. It was a really fabulous way for me to reconnect with the reality of my life and the many sexual connections and blessings I had/have in my life.

I believe that I start the projects that I need to, that I end those that are done for the time being, and that I experience those things that will teach me something. If I am able to pause and notice, there is something worth learning in every moment. Amidst gross feelings of whatever shade and shape, it can be challenging to notice the lessons. But they’re there.

Inspired by a dear friend, I have recently curtailed my use of Facebook. For the past year or more, it has sucked so much time and energy away from my life. J said he recently heard that the result of a new study found that Facebook users who simply observed the website had a marked decrease in happiness, while those who were active users (interacting with other users on the site), had an increase in social connectivity and happiness. That makes sense to me, and I know for myself that I enjoy connecting with others on the site. But when I click on the FB app on my phone or click the bookmark in my browser like a mindless social media drone, I’m doing it wrong. For me, anyway, it’s wrong. And unhelpful. And a major time-suck. And it is during those times, when I have no goal or use for checking Facebook, that I do experience some unhappiness in watching the fake lives of many fake friends scroll by. So my goal: log on once a day, with a distinct purpose (I want to post this interesting article for our group, or send a message to so-and-so, etc.). So far, for the past couple of days, I have logged on maybe three times each day. A major decrease from my estimated clicks of about 20 times a day (I think that estimate might be low).

Also, I decided that in my never-ending quest to be nice to myself and my body, that I needed to re-start a food journal. At first, it was going to be a simple catalog of the food I ate. But I think I have now decided that I want it to be a food gratitude journal. Feeling grateful for all of the nourishment and love I am able to provide to my body, I am hoping, will help me refocus my energies on the purpose of food in my life: nourishment, love, health, connection, celebration, and comfort. I am also hoping that this refocus will take away energy from what I have traditionally focused on: not being the right shape or size, not being thin enough, feeling guilty or remorseful over food previously eaten, and feeling anxious about food to be eaten.

I stopped keeping track of my sexual connections and explorations and adventures a few months ago when I started back at school. It became less and less of a priority as I felt like I had a handle on feeling conscious of and grateful for all of the sexual energy in my life. I think that certain things pass, and come around again, as I need them to.

I’m sure that in a few weeks or months, I will lose the drive to read one of my self-written affirmations every morning and night, and that I’ll stop journaling about food. And it’s always possible I will re-start my sex gratitude journal. The exercises are important for me in reclaiming and remembering my sense of gratitude and love to myself and those around me.

Do you have any daily gratitude or mindfulness practices?


Contacting Exes

I loved this article on how exes “live on” in our lives because of social media. We may still be connected via so many different sites, it can be impossible to escape their ongoing lives. Short of unfriending people, blocking them, and using extreme willpower to keep yourself from checking up on people, exes live on in our social spheres.

What’s the protocol for contacting an ex? The author of this article seemed to have the attitude that contacting exes is simply a consequence of our social media environment. It may bring about uncomfortable, awkward, or self-pitying moments, but it’s not something we can really help at this stage of being so overwhelmingly connected.

Here’s my reality check: we can help it. You can unfriend people, block them so they don’t show up in your feeds- if you really don’t want to be connected to your exes anymore. My personal philosophy about relationship leads me to believe that exes can be friends; relationships have the ability to be dynamic and flexible, given that the individuals are willing to move through that change. 

However, I don’t think this means there aren’t some basic rules of etiquette around contacting exes. An ex asked you to not contact them anymore? Don’t contact them. You and an ex parted amicably but haven’t talked in months? Don’t text them to tell them about your latest sexcapades. You and an ex parted amidst super drama? Don’t message them on Facebook to offer your latest fantasy. All of this, in my opinion, is weird.

Analyze your motivations for contacting exes, and for “checking up on them.” What are you hoping to gain? Does the communication you want to engage in make sense given where your romantic relationship ended, and where any friendship after the break-up has gone? Explicit communication is key: if you want to be friends again, tell them that. Then respect the relationship for how it moves and shifts; don’t force it.