Monthly Archives: July 2011

Safer Sex

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The authors of The Ethical Slut (Easton and Liszt) maintain that the phrase “safer sex” has been around for a while, but I have only encountered “safe sex” in my sexuality education. The difference of “safer” versus “safe” makes a lot of sense to me now (I also encountered this subtle difference when reading Opening Up—see post below; J also has his own thoughts on the use of the two phrases). Sex is never 100% “safe”: there are always emotional, psychological, and mental consequences of sex, positive or negative. We can do what we can to mitigate negative consequences through healthy coping mechanisms- journaling, talking with friends or trusted figures in our lives, talking with partners, seeking professional help, etc. We can build on positive consequences, too (give me more of THAT please!). Most of us (i.e. not those without access) also have a lot of control in using physical barriers to mitigate the physical consequences of sex, which are the consequences most of us are familiar with—STIs (sexually transmitted infections), unwanted pregnancy, etc.
Sex, I think, is supposed to be a positive experience. It is a way for people to show caring, respect, and interest in a healthy and natural way. We don’t want negative consequences with sex to be the norm!
J and I have pretty strict rules about our safer sex practices. For one, we are constantly communicating about how our encounters go, to make sure that negative feelings aren’t cropping up and being repressed. We need to talk about potential and real negative feelings so we can address them and make sure that our experiences are as wonderful as possible. We also get tested for STIs every six months and make sure to have hard copies of our test results to share with potential partners. We expect the same of our other partners, and are unlikely to play with people who don’t get tested regularly, who can’t show us paperwork, or who do have an STI(s). It can be an initially difficult and disappointing decision to make: aw, darn! She is really cute! He made me laugh all night! But that is also the beauty of having these unabashedly open and honest relationships with other people: we trust others to be honest with us and respect our boundaries around safer sex, and we still gain awesome sexy friends! Both J and I highly value our mental and physical health. Sex would not be a positive experience if we had to lay wide awake at night wondering and agonizing over if we contracted an STI or had put ourselves or someone else at risk for an unwanted pregnancy.
One difficult thing J and I have encountered is our inability to find specific information about the transmission, risk levels, and ways to avoid contact with various STIs. We both have a basic understanding of many STIs, but without the guidance of a close family member in the women’s health field and medical school, we may have made different choices about playing with partners who have STIs.
Information about safer sex should be easy to understand and accessible—and not just to those of us who are over 18 and have family members in medical school. There should also be resources available to those who experience the historical and systemic counterparts of human sexuality—sexism, homophobia, rape, patriarchy. Everyone should feel empowered to protect themselves and have the ability to seek help from violent situations. Everyone’s body is worthy of respect and dignity. No one deserves his or her physical and emotional space to be infringed upon without explicit permission. Counseling, birth control, and access for these sorts of services (including financial access) should be available to everyone, regardless of age, ability level, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, or race.

Sex should and can be a naturally safe way to express love, respect, caring, trust, and friendship. Keeping it safe and positive through respecting your boundaries and others’ boundaries is AWESOME! 😀

The Elusive FMF- Is it really all it is cracked up to be?

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K and I recently had the chance to experience an FMF thanks to a willing and adventurous woman from a couple that we have become close with recently.  First of all, I want to thank that other woman for being so adventurous and willing to hop right in and try something completely new despite being fairly new to all of this.
 
So, to put the FMF in perspective for our readers it is important to know that for K, this was all about my pleasure. 🙂  K, while comfortable playing with other women and occasionally turned on by those experiences, is primarily straight.  This meant that her motivation for inviting another woman to join us was primarily about turning me on and allowing me to have the experience of two women who were both there and interested in playing with me. 
 
In my imagination (yes I have thought about this before. . . a lot) this scenario sounded awesome but as this scenario started to seem more like a real possibility, I began to question whether this was something that I was really even interested in.  Since the option to play with other women is already available to me through couple play, group play, separate play, and other types of play, it meant that the only benefit of an FMF was literally having two women pleasing me at the same time.  Because, if I just wanted to be with other women, I could experience that through couple play or single play with other women in a one-on-one type setting. 
 
When I actually thought (realistically, not just fantasizing) about the logistics of the scenario I realized that I am always more than satisfied with just one woman in the bedroom.  I cannot recall a single time in my life when the woman I was with was completely drained while I lay there wanting more. This is especially true with K who is always more than willing to make sure I am satisfied by using her hands, mouth, toys, etc. in order to make sure that I am completely satisfied!
 
So, while the FMF sounded fun as a new experience to try (because, after all, you have to try something once to know whether or not you like it) I was not entirely sure how the logistics of the actual scenario would work out.
 
Not to sound completely ungrateful for the chance to try out this experience and for these two beautiful and open women who were willing to make this happen for me but. . . I am not sure that the reality of the situation really lived up to the fantasy.  To be perfectly honest, at times it felt like twice as much work without a lot of added benefit.  Throughout the situation I felt like it was quite difficult to just act naturally and follow my urges because I was constantly worried about a variety of things such as: whether or not I was giving equal time to both women, whether both women were satisfied, and if there were jealousy issues coming up. Even with the Hitachi Magic Wand as my partner, I was constantly trying to make sure that both women were satisfied, getting enough attention and enjoying the experience. It became somewhat overwhelming to keep track of all of these different factors and I sort of wished that I was alone and fantasizing about the experience rather than actually in the situation.  I think that as I feel more comfortable with K and more trusting of her ability to honestly communicate when she is having feelings of jealousy, an FMF experience will be more satisfying.  However, at the point we were at when we had this FMF, I was unsure about whether or not K was honestly communicating with me about her desire to have this experience.  Because of all of the emotional complications of this particular FMF, the sex was not quite as spectacular as there is likely potential for.
 
Besides all of the mental turn offs of attempting an FMF that I learned from my first attempt at an FMF, I confirmed that one woman is more than enough to satisfy me.  In my relationship I am almost always ready to be done with sex and to fall asleep before K.  Adding in a second woman who also needed physical attention, penetration, and kissing was simply more work than I was able to handle physically while still ensuring that both women were physically satisfied.  Thank goodness for the Hitachi Magic Wand because without that amazing device, these women would have been expecting way too much out of me.
 
While the FMF was overall a good experience, due in very large part to the wonderful women who made this experience possible, it was not everything that I imagined.  Perhaps I simply built up this situation too much in my mind.  The reality of the situation was that there were twice as many women in the room all expecting to leave the situation physically satisfied and there was a huge potential for emotional issues that left me feeling overwhelmed.  I look forward to trying this situation again in the future as it was overall a good experience but if it never happens again, I am just thankful for the opportunity I had to explore this with these two women.

Self-Love & Masturbation, and How an FMF Worked for Me!

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I (K) used to masturbate all the time, since I “figured it out” around the age of 12 or 13. Like all the time. Like a few times a day if I could. And then a couple of years ago during college, I just sort of stopped. I didn’t really think about it; it wasn’t a conscious decision. But I was fine; I felt like many of my sexual desires were being met by my partner (J), and I didn’t think to keep up my practice of self-love.
 
That is, until J came home talking about one of his favorite podcasts (Life on the Swing Set), on which the hosts discussed masturbating and how it enhances one’s sex life. My first thought: Excuse me? So now J is going to go masturbate, and then not want to have sex with me?
 
Hold up. Why would either I or J masturbating have any effect on our sex life together? What is wrong about having a personal sex life? Actually, nothing.
 
In fact, knowing what I like means I am better able to tell my partners what I want and like. And, at least for me, when I have masturbated earlier in the day, sometimes I notice being that much more turned on, not to mentioned relaxed and happier, the rest of the day.
 
Sex, and love for that matter, is not a zero-sum game. Having sex once during the day doesn’t mean we can’t have it again later if we both want to. If I masturbate in the morning, I might still want to have sex later, or right away! And the same goes for J: if he wants to masturbate, that is his personal sexy time, and he will involve me when he wants to! (This also completely relates to a topic J will be covering soon—what counts as “sex”? Orgasm isn’t always the “point” of every sexual encounter. Sometimes it isn’t possible to be turned on again, but we can still share steamy moments and aid each other in masturbating!)
 
Now that I have rediscovered my sense of self-love and am willing to act on it, I am so much more relaxed. I remember during college there would be nights when J wouldn’t want to play; I would get so frustrated! I remember having so much sexual tension during some parts of college! I just wasn’t getting enough release. Now if a similar situation arises, I will take care of my needs, on my own. Sometimes it has the effect of turning on J, and we do enjoy each other, and sometimes I slip out of bed and enjoy myself. Either way, I feel more fulfilled all of the time!
 
How does all of this tie into having an FMF? Well, honestly because I think that for an FMF work with two straight and bi-comfortable women (which was our situation), each woman has to be comfortable with performing her act of self-love in front of two other people. The one M can only do so much at one time!! And I wouldn’t want J to feel obligated to get two women off! I had a great time- I got to use my wonderful Hitachi for minutes at a time, which totally turned on J and the other F. I think it was an adjustment to realize that I would need to have more “self-love” time in front of two people, but after trying it out, I was totally happy masturbating. I didn’t really need anything else! Playing with K (the other F) was totally rockin’ and getting to play with J was also AWESOME (that was really the point for me –to aid another F in pleasuring J!!), but having a super sexy atmosphere to masturbate in was also amazing! (Thanks again K for participating in such a sexy time with us!)

MFM- The Good and The Bad

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K and I have continually been working to figure out exactly what it is that we want out of this “lifestyle” ever since we got into it.  We continually discuss our ideas about what we would like to see happen, what works for us, what we have had the most fun with, and what we would still like to try. 
 
Recently K decided that she would really like to try an MFM so we asked a friend of ours from a couple that we play regularly with to join us.  He, after some conversations with his own partner, agreed to try out the situation with us.  Because I (J) am not bisexual this meant that all of the focus would be on K; a situation that K thought sounded absolutely perfect!  Before getting in to this sort of “lifestyle” the idea of an MFM threesome was not a turn-on for me at all but after talking with K and hearing how excited she was about this sort of scenario, I was completely turned-on!  It helped me to realize that I get really turned on when K is really turned on (something that I had already suspected); so even though an MFM really doesn’t do anything for me personally. . .I was completely on-board with the idea because K was so excited about it!
 
So K and I had an MFM with this friend from another couple we play with frequently and the experience was awesome.  He is a really great guy and very respectful and polite; the three of us have a pretty good friendship and K has an especially good connection with him.  The experience was awesome and I was able to explore a whole new aspect of stuff that turns K on that I had never known about before!  (I am thinking here about the fact that K loves giving and receiving pleasure at the same time with two different men!) Overall the experience was really great because everyone got what they wanted; K got to have twice as much attention on her, J got to see K completely turned-on, and our friend got to be an integral part of making a sexual experience an awesome sexual experience for everyone involved! (Thanks J!)
 
While that MFM was a great experience, not all of them go so well. . .
 
After that MFM (and drawing on her experience and everything we have learned up to this point) K decided that what she really wanted was to meet some men that she thought were attractive and have primarily sexual relationships with them.  She is not comfortable meeting men alone (and we have a rule that before we play separately, we need to meet one another’s partners) so we decided to post an MFM ad on Craigslist and be very specific about what we were looking for.  The ad required people to write in complete sentences, use paragraphs and punctuation, come across as intelligent, and generally seem appealing.  Despite these requirements. . . most people (50+) failed miserably.  However, among the crowd there were a few standouts.
 
We went last night to a local microbrewery to meet with one of the standouts.  He was very polite and we had a good time chatting with him while we ate.  Despite his generally nice demeanor, he still had some characteristics that were a bit of a turn-off such as seeming a bit arrogant and not being willing to express a whole lot of emotion (smiling, laughing, etc).  When he walked away to use the restroom K and I had a rushed conversation about what we should do.  K really wanted my opinion about how to proceed but it was difficult for me to give advice in a situation that was primarily about her pleasure, not mine. After our discussion K decided that she wanted to invite him over and go through with the “MFM.”  I suggested that we merely invite him over to hang out and if it led to more, we could cross that bridge when we came to it.
 
So K invited him over and we watched some of our favorite television shows while chatting with him.  After about 20 minutes of hanging out, I remembered that I had told some friends that I would be online that evening to chat so I told K that I was going to sit at the table for a little bit and chat with them.   During the time that I was chatting with friends online, K asked me a few times if I wanted to do it (while she made out with this M) and I responded that I was still chatting with our friends online.  After about 10 minutes K and (the other M) got up and told me that they were going into the bedroom and that I should come in as soon as I was done chatting.
 
This was a huge turn-off for me.  I felt like I went from being the MF inviting an additional M to being the M invited to join an MF.  I was very put off by the situation so I stayed at my computer and continued to email people because I was not feeling up for joining in on that situation.  K came out to get me after about 15 minutes, which was exactly what I needed in order to not feel left out and I proceeded to join in on the fun.  As soon as I got in the room I was confronted with another issue that we have not yet come across since being involved in “group play” situations. . . the other M was particularly well-endowed (like a horse).
 
I have never before felt insecure about that aspect of my body but coming into this situation, I felt particularly bothered.  I was not immediately bothered by the situation but I did lose my confidence for a minute and felt unsure if I would be able to perform.  Most of the issues around this particular M’s “equipment” came up the next day when I talked to K about the situation.
 
K has often told me when I ask her about this aspect of our playmates, “I didn’t notice anything different.  They seem like they are pretty much the same size as you.”  Her response in this case was not the same at all; she merely looked flustered and embarrassed and said, “Well, it didn’t work for me.”  For some reason, this response only frustrated me more, it didn’t feel honest when she said it because it just seemed like an attempt to make sure that I would not feel insecure about the situation.  We continued to discuss this aspect of the evening throughout the day and it just seemed to get worse the more we discussed it. 
 
I just want to pause here and say, “Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational to feel like someone is going to be more satisfying just because they have a horse penis instead of a human penis.  Yes, I know about the studies of woman who are partnered with men who have micro-penises (less than 3”) actually report being more satisfied than woman partnered with average to well-endowed men.  Yes, I understand that it may be uncomfortable to have something that is particularly large going inside of that space.  YES, I get it all!”  OK, now back to the post.
 
As we were talking about it K made the comment that she could only handle sex of that intensity so often because it is just so intense. This comment only served to irritate me because I want her to describe sex with me as intense, not with some random M.  Apparently this was just a misinterpretation on my part because she meant “intense” as in. . . not good.
 
Anyway, that was only one issue that we ran into throughout the night.  Since K covered the other issues pretty well in her post, the only other issue that I am going to discuss is the blunders that I think this particular M made.
 
1) This M was attempting to have an MF scenario but settled for an MFM.  It was particularly stupid of K and I to allow this M to join us after learning that he was primarily looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex but settled for MFMs because it was easier to find NSA sex in that sort of scenario.  When we learned this about him I was immediately turned off because I thought that this may lead to trouble but K was not bothered by this aspect at all so I let it slide.  Looking back on this, it was a mistake to not point this out to K.  The situation would have been greatly improved if we had merely excused ourselves at that point in the evening.
 
2) This M did not offer to buy his own drinks at dinner.  It was annoying that he did not even reach for his wallet when the bill came.  Enough said.
 
3) This M almost left our house that evening without even saying goodnight to me.  I had gone to use the restroom (gone 60 seconds at most) and when I came out he was just about out of the door.  I didn’t think too much of it at the time but this really bothered K and it meant a lot to me that it bothered her even when I didn’t think much of it.  I think this final blunder was really the biggest mistake this guy make.  It merely confirmed that this guy merely wanted NSA sex in an MF scenario but that he had to settle for an MFM.  Not even saying goodnight to me or that it was nice to meet me was rude and inappropriate and it was probably the main reason we will never see this person again (oh yah, and his horse penis. . . just kidding 🙂 )
 
So, while the MFM can be awesome with the right people, it can also be a major disaster.  Haha, that sounds so obvious when I put it into writing because it is just like everything else in life.  So, this most recent MFM was not great but I am looking forward to another MFM in the future when everyone is excited and respectful and K can have twice the attention and action!

Casual V. Intimate Sex, Religion, Slut-Shaming, and the Madonna-Whore Complex, Oh My!

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So J and I experimented having a second guy join in on our sexual fun for the second time… this person brought up some very interesting things for both of us. Is casual sex okay? Does wanting, and liking, casual sex make me a slut? Do I have to really like the guy to do this? Can it just be for fun? What about his intentions, his motivations? What about the psychology behind everyone’s experiences? What role does religion and faith play into our decisions and motivations about sex? Have you heard of the Madonna-Whore Complex? Believe it or not, all of these things go together, and were brought up by inviting one other person into the mix!Casual versus Intimate Sex: Both J and I agree that we were taught by our families, religious educations, and society that we should only have sex if we deeply care and love the other person. Sex can thus only occur after a deep emotional connection has been created.

 
I (K) don’t think this is necessarily a “bad” idea. I have learned over the past couple of months that the emotional connection is extremely important to me; I don’t think I would enjoy having a sexual encounter with someone I completely did not know. I think sex is enhanced through knowing my partner; I feel more comfortable being myself, and it is overall more meaningful for me. Having a one-night stand with a complete stranger is not something I am looking for.
 
However, the black-and-white teaching that love equals sex, and sex equals love, does not hold up for me. I am not completely opposed to having a sexual encounter with someone I don’t know as well, and then experiencing what this is like without having to have any kind of relationship with that person afterwards. I also don’t think that I need to love my partner to have an enjoyable time.
 
My sexual experiences are completely different with my primary partner (J), because I know it can be romantic and deeply emotional. I appreciate these experiences, and they are truly my favorite experiences. However, I can appreciate the less deep connections and moments with other partners.
 
I have talked with some friends and family, and some people have expressed concerns to me that women form emotional connections with their sexual partners, and so having casual encounters would be too difficult emotionally. I can definitely see where this concern comes from, and I am cautious about this myself; I feel like I care for people very easily, regardless of any sexual experience I have had with them. J and I have talked about our comfort levels with forming emotional relationships with our other partners, and we are both fairly comfortable with this. It seems a little unnatural to us to not care at some level for our partners, and we both agree that intimacy is enhanced by some level of caring.
 
The bottom line about this for me is that love does not have to equal sex, and sex does not have to equal love. Sometimes sex is just for fun and excitement, and sometimes we can love others who we do not experience sexual intimacy with. Our most recent MFM highlighted this distinction to me: I can have fun sex without any emotional connections. I can watch this guy leave the house and honestly be happy to never see him again. Yes, the sexual experience probably would have been more fun and exciting and comfortable had I known him a bit better. But it was good enough. And we can move on with getting to know other people!
Slut-Shaming: This is an extremely interesting topic to me (K). I feel like girls and women are socialized to bash on other girls and women, and to compete with each other for potential partners. I feel like this socialization is personally mediated (interpersonal slut-shaming) and internalized (negative self-talk and self-slut shaming). I have recently experienced this, and I remember feeling this growing up.
 

The idea of slut-shaming is discussed in more detail in The Ethical Slut; it is basically the idea that promiscuous individuals, and more specifically promiscuous women, are immoral and deviant. Sluts cannot be trusted with having honest relationships, they will “steal” your partner behind your back, and they might actually like sex (which, as everyone knows, is in itself wrong. Ha!).

Trying out this idea of casual sex really hammered home this idea of “slutty-ness” for  me.In the Ethical Slut, the authors describe their attempt to reclaim the label slut, as someone who is honest and open about their sexuality, who knows what they want and are not afraid to find it and get it. Am I a slut? Would I call myself a slut? This word just carries a lot of negative connotations; I think I am more comfortable saying I am in an open relationship. Yes, if “slut” meant that I was simply open with my sexuality with others, and that was a good thing because I am honest with myself and others, then I would identify as a “slut.” I went through a whole self-slut shaming process today with J: I didn’t know this guy from last night! He was sort of a jerk! I don’t really want to see him again! I am a big ‘ol SLUT!! He was like, yeah, you are! Huh… okay, well… okay!

I don’t want to feel bad about my sexuality, my sex drive, my experience as a sexual human being. Everyone is sexual. Everyone wants sex. Everyone should be able to enjoy sex. Just because I didn’t know this guy well doesn’t mean I am immoral or bad or weird or gross. I knew what I wanted last night (an MFM!!), and I got it!

Religion and Faith: I grew up in a very progressive religious community, and I had a very comprehensive sexuality education because of it. J’s religious upbringing was a bit more traditional or conservative, but not much more so than mine. We both find it fascinating the guilt and shame that so many Western religions bring to the table when teaching about our bodies, sex, and pleasure.


The guy we met last night ascribes to conservative Christianity. The sense that we got from him was that: 1. If he was in a relationship with someone (aka, not single), he probably would not be trolling Craigslist and hitting up couples; 2. It is okay for him to join a couple, because both partners in the couple agrees to the scenario; 3. However, what these couples are doing (including us) is immoral in the eyes of God, but he is exempt because it’s not his relationship and morals he is screwing up. Interesting, right? He didn’t explicitly say those things, but talked in a round-about way to describe how his religious ideals match up with his behavior.
Madonna-Whore Complex: The Madonna-Whore Complex is the idea that a man experiences sex differently with his wife versus with his “whore.” With this guy last night, I was definitely the “whore” (or slut!). He can join couples and he can find open people online because sex with “whores” is different than sex with one’s “pure and moral wife.” This of course ties in with the influence of religion on one’s views about sexuality. Google the Madonna-Whore Complex- it’s pretty interesting!


Quick tangent: “There are many other reasons for a man’s sex drive to decrease including disease, injury, hormonal changes, stress, and extramarital affairs.” This was a quote we found when researching the Madonna-Whore Complex. What the heck?? Extramarital affairs decrease a man’s sex drive? We beg to differ! We have had more sex together than ever because of all of our experimenting, slutty behavior, and meeting and playing with new people! We think you should be worried if your partner all of a sudden wants sex all the time! 🙂

There ARE Good People on Craigslist!

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Tonight – Began on 9 July 2011 and Finished on 24 July 2011!
 
So, it has been so long since I have written a post but I am trying to get back into this and I am planning on posting more regularly starting. . . .NOW! This first post, as I am getting back into the “swing of things” (PUN intended) may be a little stream-of-consciousness. 
 
The reason that I have not been posting as much as K is because usually when I have free time, I like to spend it trying to meet new couples by sending emails, reading ads, checking out profiles, etc. Writing a blog post about my experiences sometimes feels too distant from the actual fun of meeting new people! However, tonight I am excited to write (this is not actually tonight anymore because I didn’t get around to finishing this post until later) because K and I are about to head out to our local club with a really great couple that we met two weeks ago through Craigslist. 
 
That’s right, we met an amazing couple on Craigslist. I know that you probably have a look of shock on your face because you cannot believe that any decent human beings actually put ads up in the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist but, it’s true. Dan Savage got it wrong when he said, “Just because you want to meet new people it doesn’t mean that you have to do it on Craigslist.  You don’t have to climb into the sewer with all of the crazies!”  🙂
 
Anyway, we met this couple about two weeks ago and we have been having so much fun getting to know them. They are brand-new to swinging so we were really unsure what to expect. (I don’t think we have yet written about our experiences meeting new couples, but it is always an adventure and we never know what to expect- probably best saved for the subject of a different post)
 
So, we showed up at a restaurant very near our house where we like to eat anyway, (again, because we aren’t willing to risk driving too far or eating bad food to meet complete strangers); we were both dressed very casually and we were not nervous. We have had so many of these casual meetings that we don’t really get the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling anymore. Right when we met them we knew that they would be a great couple for us; they were both really cute and so bubbly and exciting!
 
We had a great time talking with them and getting to know them over dinner and we found out that we had so much in common with them and we really loved their personalities! So. . . we stepped away from a minute because we wanted to check in with each other about how we were both feeling about the situation. After stepping away we decided that we both really liked them so we decided to just go for it and invite them over!
 
They gladly accepted our invitation to come over and they were so cute! They had actually brought a cute little basket with wine, chocolates, and wine glasses! We had a great time hanging out with them, playing Banagrams, and. . . PLAYING!
 
That is right, we played on our first date. We generally tell people that we don’t play on our first date but. . . we pretty much only say that so we have an easy “out” in case things don’t go well at our first meeting. We figure there is no reason to wait on playing if we already know that we are comfortable with a couple and excited to play with them. We are already “sluts,” so we may as well have some fun!
 
After playing it was about 3:30am so they left (and actually got to see the beginning of the sunrise on their way back home that night). Overall, it was a great experience and we have felt so fortunate to continue to get to know them, cycle with them, and hang out with them over the past few weeks. We are so glad to have met such wonderful friends and we look forward to continuing to get to know them and share our adventures and hear their adventures!
 
Now, I am only really writing this post because I wanted to finish this one before moving on to the post that I actually wanted to write this evening. . . check back soon!

I’m Just Telling You Not to Eat That. It Fell on the Floor. At a Sex Club.

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I really needed an excuse to use this quote as a title of a post, because I really want to put it on Facebook, but I’m not sure either J or I are ready to “come out” to the Facebook world about our open relationship. Last night, I started writing a post that used this quote as a metaphor for how we negotiate: what if I want to eat it anyway? Who cares if it fell on the floor? Are you not comfortable with me eating it because it fell on the floor, or are you just concerned that it won’t taste good anymore and are concerned about my experience eating it? Needless to say, I decided the whole thing turned out pretty stupid, and so I am sparing you from reading more with that line of thinking. I realized that this quote is about happiness, friends, and laughter.
J and I have had some rough issues to work through, primarily around jealousy and insecurity, and primarily on my end. We have come out on the other end stronger than before, and happier with each other and ourselves. We aren’t done hashing everything out, I am sure, but I can definitely appreciate the progress we have made and how far we have come in just a few months. It’s a process, not a destination. I can’t expect myself to be a completely different person after a few months.
That being said, we have met incredible people in the exploration of our open relationship! We have had eye-opening and thought-provoking conversations, delicious meals, fun game nights, sexy sleepovers, gorgeous bike rides, partner pole dancing classes, and mellow movie nights. This is like… what it’s like to have friends!! But with the possibility of sex! It’s awesome!
We also have hilarious moments together, during and outside of “playtime.” The title of this post is actually my favorite quotable quote from the past few months (thus, the need to use it on our blog!). J had dropped a piece of food on the floor of our favorite “sex” club, and this what he said to me after picking it off the ground and putting it on the edge of his plate: “I’m just telling you not to eat that. It fell on the floor. (lovely pause). At a sex club.” I think he is hilarious, and I love that I get to see him make other people laugh, and that we have other people in our lives that fulfill different parts of us.
Despite discomfort, severe bouts of crying, and this feeling that we are exploring uncharted territory (and where the HELL are we and what are we DOING?!?), we have gained so much joy and laughter, and made some of the best connections with other people doing what we are doing.
Basically, this post is a shout-out to the wonderful people we have met in the past few months, who are honest, open, communicative, and not afraid to be who they want to be! Both J and I are better people for knowing you, and our open relationship journey would not be the same without you! This is also a shout-out to our friends and family that love us, respect us, and want us to be happy, and who listen to our stories, ask good questions, and give solid feedback. Our experiences navigating this uncharted terrain and negotiating our relationship have gone more smoothly because of the support we have from each of you, and we love you!