I (K) used to masturbate all the time, since I “figured it out” around the age of 12 or 13. Like all the time. Like a few times a day if I could. And then a couple of years ago during college, I just sort of stopped. I didn’t really think about it; it wasn’t a conscious decision. But I was fine; I felt like many of my sexual desires were being met by my partner (J), and I didn’t think to keep up my practice of self-love.
That is, until J came home talking about one of his favorite podcasts (Life on the Swing Set), on which the hosts discussed masturbating and how it enhances one’s sex life. My first thought: Excuse me? So now J is going to go masturbate, and then not want to have sex with me?
Hold up. Why would either I or J masturbating have any effect on our sex life together? What is wrong about having a personal sex life? Actually, nothing.
In fact, knowing what I like means I am better able to tell my partners what I want and like. And, at least for me, when I have masturbated earlier in the day, sometimes I notice being that much more turned on, not to mentioned relaxed and happier, the rest of the day.
Sex, and love for that matter, is not a zero-sum game. Having sex once during the day doesn’t mean we can’t have it again later if we both want to. If I masturbate in the morning, I might still want to have sex later, or right away! And the same goes for J: if he wants to masturbate, that is his personal sexy time, and he will involve me when he wants to! (This also completely relates to a topic J will be covering soon—what counts as “sex”? Orgasm isn’t always the “point” of every sexual encounter. Sometimes it isn’t possible to be turned on again, but we can still share steamy moments and aid each other in masturbating!)
Now that I have rediscovered my sense of self-love and am willing to act on it, I am so much more relaxed. I remember during college there would be nights when J wouldn’t want to play; I would get so frustrated! I remember having so much sexual tension during some parts of college! I just wasn’t getting enough release. Now if a similar situation arises, I will take care of my needs, on my own. Sometimes it has the effect of turning on J, and we do enjoy each other, and sometimes I slip out of bed and enjoy myself. Either way, I feel more fulfilled all of the time!
How does all of this tie into having an FMF? Well, honestly because I think that for an FMF work with two straight and bi-comfortable women (which was our situation), each woman has to be comfortable with performing her act of self-love in front of two other people. The one M can only do so much at one time!! And I wouldn’t want J to feel obligated to get two women off! I had a great time- I got to use my wonderful Hitachi for minutes at a time, which totally turned on J and the other F. I think it was an adjustment to realize that I would need to have more “self-love” time in front of two people, but after trying it out, I was totally happy masturbating. I didn’t really need anything else! Playing with K (the other F) was totally rockin’ and getting to play with J was also AWESOME (that was really the point for me –to aid another F in pleasuring J!!), but having a super sexy atmosphere to masturbate in was also amazing! (Thanks again K for participating in such a sexy time with us!)