Lastly K and I want to draw a distinction between life partners and loving other people. K and I are in love with one another and we have also made a decision to spend our life together because we are both in love with each other and because we are compatible in terms of our future goals, the way we like to live, travel, spend money, work, play, etc. K and I have spent 5 years building a meaningful and loving relationship with one another and we love one another, so even if we love other people, we are not looking to replace each other with a new life partner because we feel there is more to a “life partnership” than merely being in love; it is a combination of love, compatibility, and time.
Which brings me to my final, basic point: we all have a right to a fulfilling sex life. And everyone has the right to the information and resources that can help them lead sexually fulfilling lives.
For both K and I, we now prefer the term “play” because it is a unique term that does not come pre-loaded with preconceived ideas about what sex is. “Play” for us is “sex” but it is encompassing of a wide array of sexual activity ranging from meaningful sex to casual and light sex.
For us, we like the word “play” to encompass a wide range of sexual activities that we enjoy with a wide range of people and situations (post on that specifically to follow!) We think, ultimately, that “sex” can describe many sexual encounters, from manual stimulation to oral, anal, and vaginal stimulation and intercourse.
For me, this line of thinking fits my experience. J asked me how I felt growing up having dreams with women in them. I told him that I was never ashamed I had them; I just didn’t think deeply about them or think about actually trying it: it was just a dream. My first few times with women were for selfish exploration: what does it feel like to grab someone else’s boob? Or to finger someone else? Or to even kiss a woman and hold a woman’s hand? My comfort with women grew, and became something I liked to do as part of group play: I could now sexually connect not just with J and another man, but the other woman as well! Thinking about playing with women, especially on my own, really turns me on now. I don’t know where that puts me on the sexuality spectrum, but I am fairly confident that if J and I hadn’t opened up our relationship, I would not have tried to experience being with a woman on my own. It just wasn’t something that had really been brought to my attention; it wasn’t in my immediate lens for what my life could feel and look like.
We will probably look into this more because of the incredible reaction that K had to this simple exercise. We merely decided to include this blog post as a way of reminding people to remain open to the possibility of different types of play and with different types of people. There is always something new to explore and try and you may not even have found the thing that most turns you on yet!