I (K) am home this weekend. Being in my old bedroom, here without J, has given me pause to reflect on opening up.
Here was my first moment: at dinner, with my parents. I mention casually, without thinking, that I was telling J that he needs to take more clothes to school with him so he looks presentable; I am looking out for him because there are cute girls in law school. My mom gives me this look. “Well, I’m sure they’re not cuter than you. He better not be lookin’ at them!!!”
I had this very intense moment of silence within myself. What? This is how far I have come. I want J to look at cute girls if he wants to. I don’t want him to stink, for fear of scaring off said cute girls.
Up until that moment, I was debating whether or not to come out to my parents, and tell them about our open relationship. I kept thinking, maybe they will understand, maybe they won’t. I want to tell them, I am scared to tell them, it will be a long conversation, I don’t know what to do. In that moment, I think I pretty much decided not to tell them. Just yet, anyways.
I feel so weird; I can’t answer questions honestly. Why were you up until 2am the other night? What is J doing tonight? Uhhh…
Being open and not open at the same time is causing me some internal distress. More on this to come, I’m sure!