No, no. It doesn’t suck! It is a lot more difficult, though, to actively seek women out than to find a dude. I thought for a few days that it would be as difficult for me to find a girl as it is for J. I changed my identity on OKC from “straight” to “bi” a couple of weeks ago, and thought I would give girls a week to message me back before I wrote off the OKC explorations. I messaged about 10 women and didn’t receive a message back from any of them.
But… on Monday, I was contacted by a gorgeous woman. So I can’t write OKC off just yet!
And, yes, I have now gone on a solo date with a woman. And it was incredibly awesome and awkward at the same time.
I was having dinner with someone J is seeing right now. I explained to her my apprehension about going on a date with a woman, and her advice? “Wellll… it’s kind of like going on a date with a guy… except it’s with a girl.”
I say: easier said that done. Especially since I am still a leetle unsure about how I truly identify. If I knew “I am bi, I love being with women, I am sexually attracted to women, etc., etc.” then I don’t think it would be as strange for me. But my thought process is more like this: “I have had a lot of fun being with women in group situations. I have had one sort of one-on-one encounter which was amazing. I get turned on thinking about specific women I know. I think I have a type I am more attracted to. But I’m not really sure. Am I actually attracted to the idea of being alone with a woman and engaging in a relationship with her and kissing her and having sex with her?”
Short answer: I don’t know.
I do know that all week long, in between the time this lovely person contacted me and the actual date, I did fantasize about talking to her and taking off her shirt and making out and more. Starting the night before, though, I became extremely nervous. What the hell am I doing?? I don’t know what I want! An hour before I was supposed to meet up with her, I started getting a stomach ache and I lost my appetite. Yikes.
Thankfully, she was very sweet, very respectful and intelligent, very pretty, and just as nervous as I was. Her nervousness put me more at ease. It was her first date with a woman as well, and so we were able to experience that newness together. I think I do want to see her again, and I am also apprehensive about feeling so nervous and jittery. I don’t know if it is because it is just so new, because I know somewhere deep down that I am not that attracted to women, or if I am actually really attracted to her and like her…
I ultimately decided that I didn’t feel the right “click” with her to pursue a relationship. After talking with J and sexy friends about the situation, I decided to craft a rejection email as nice as possible. And, I received a similar email back from her. At least the feelings of off-chemistry were mutual…
K’s bi adventures continue! :-)