Strip Down, Dance for Me

Stripping update:

I auditioned at one place, and loved it. Yep, loved it. Totally could do it a few times a week I think. Did not like the management at all, so I’m not going to work there. But I am so excited to find another club to experience this at.

J went with me to a store last week where I bought new shoes and a sexy outfit, and I can’t wait to buy a few more sexy outfits. And then take them off. For a fee. Ha!

More updates to come!

Ecdysiast

A striptease performer.
An exotic dancer.
A striptease artist.
A performer that provides entertainment through skillful and erotic dance routines.
Soon, I may join the forces of all those who adhere to these definitions.
Why?
Because:
1. I love dancing naked.
2. I love feeling sexualized by others, sexual, and sensual.
3. I love being active.
4. I love putting on makeup and doing my hair and sexy lingerie.
5. I love being watched by others when I am naked. I would get to fully express my exhibitionist side.
6. I would love to put my pole dancing skills to use, practice, and continue to get better.
Also, the following also bolsters my convictions that stripping would be something fun for me to do:
1. Making some serious money.
2. Infusing my relationship with J with high octane sexual energy.
This is something that I almost didn’t put on this blog… The slut-shaming that accompanies those in the adult entertainment industry is fascinating to me. (I also know this is one area of my life that I definitely plan on keeping from my parents because of the definite slut-shaming that would come out.) And I didn’t want to to invite any concerns from people in our lives that I am making a big mistake. But I felt like this was an important topic for me to write about and post.
I ended up buying a book published this past year from a woman who stripped her way through college. It’s not as good as I had hoped, but there are some good tidbits in there so far about tipping procedures, finding a good club, etc. One interesting quote so far: “All the money you make you trade for a little piece of yourself each and every minute you continue dancing.” It’s obviously a perspective unique to her experience. After reading the quote to J, he said, “Well, yeah! Any job you do you are giving up some of yourself and your life.” I agree. If stripping feels like your only choice for making money, and you feel degraded and worn down for doing it, it probably does feel like you are giving up parts of yourself to do it. But I also think many jobs can have that effect if it feels like worthless, soul-sucking work.
I have posted on here before about the intersection between feminism and highly sexualized work, like porn or stripping. I feel like I have my eyes wide open thinking about the possibility of getting naked for strangers and taking home money for doing it. I won’t really know until I try it, either. And it’s quite possible that I will hate it and never want to do it again. And that would be fine with me; I would not regret gaining life experience and learning something about myself. There is also the distinct possibility that I will genuinely and totally enjoy the work, and love doing it for a while, while I feel a little lost with where I am going with my life. It would feel fantastic to earn and save some money while doing something that engages my body and sense of sexuality, and my people skills. I’ll keep y’all updated with where this all goes 🙂

BOOKS

I really need to read. I have so much to read. J has read so much this summer, and while I have tried my best to persuade him to post some reviews, he hasn’t had much energy to. Sooo… I need to get in gear and catch up on these sexy books so I can post some reviews!


Here are the ones I promise to get to and post some ideas on:

The Monogamy Gap
Polyamory in the 21st Century
Not Under My Roof
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex
Three in Love
The Prehistory of Sex
Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why 


Whew. I have a lot to do! 🙂

My Gang Bang / Goddess Worship Fantasy

Want to know part of my gangbang/goddess worship fantasy? Read on, read on:
J drops me off at the hotel, where he warms me up. He goes down on me, makes me squirt, but keeps me from orgasm. He leaves me to get all dolled up and to play with my vibrators and dildos, but I will not be allowed to orgasm yet. I wear some sexy lingerie and jewelry and heels. J goes out and meets a group of men (5-15) at a bar near the hotel, and makes sure everyone is still comfortable with the rest of the evening. When everyone is ready, he leads everyone back to our room, where he will first come in alone. He blindfolds me and puts my arms and legs in the bed restraints. He calls me a little gangbang slut and tells me know that there are a bunch of guys waiting to have their way with me. Soon after, he lets everyone in.

When everyone comes in, J fingers me and goes down on me so you can see how I squirt and orgasm. Then I want whoever is ready first to penetrate me and fuck me for a few minutes to warm my pussy up. Without cumming, he takes his cock out of my pussy so that J can fuck me until he comes. Then the first guy can resume fucking me and fuck me as hard and long as he wants until he comes. While this is going on, I want someone to put his cock in my mouth, and I want a cock in each of my hands. When my pussy is free, I want someone else to start using it. After a while, I want the restraints off so that I can use my arms and hands more freely. I want some men to hold my arms and legs down while someone fucks me. I want to be put into whatever positions suits my group. I love doggy style. I would love to be flipped from my back to my stomach and back again. I love spit roast- being fucked from behind while I go down on someone else. I want cock in my face the whole night. I want everyone to come as many times as everyone wants, and I want everyone walking away satisfied. I want to be spanked, my hair pulled, and to be called slut and whore. I want to use the restraints and to be held down. I want come on my ass, tits, face, stomach and legs. I crave being a cumslut. If I ever get tired, I want to simply lay on the bed while everyone uses my pussy. Then I want everyone to slowly leave so that J can pound me and use my pussy for a second or third or fourth time.

***
I fantasize about this so much. J and I have become “those people” that use Craigslist as a sex toy. We have posted several ads to create one of these events, and for some reason or another, they don’t manifest (STI concerns, surgeries, family obligations, etc.). I really do hope that at some point in my life, I am able to experience my fantasy and live it out. Because I know. I know it will be super, super hot, hot, hot.

Jenny Block is Inspirational

“I WAS 17 WHEN my sexual education began.
‘You are responsible for your own orgasm,’ my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm. I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That’s why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers. My husband and I have an open marriage. I know it may sound decadent, or like a throwback to the ‘free love’ of the ’60s. But really, for all the hype, ‘open marriage’ is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven’t been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, ‘Why on earth didn’t we think of this before?'”
Why do I love this quote? Because she so succinctly and clearly articulates a message of sexual and romantic liberation and empowerment. I think if everyone took to heart this message, we would all have more satisfying romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. It is so, so important: you are responsible for your own “orgasm” (your own literal orgasms, and for your own sexual and romantic and emotional satisfaction in general). You also choose to be responsible or not. Do it.

Blowback

Coming out to my parents has not been wholly positive (which is something I expected, but dealing with the reality is still difficult).

Something I didn’t expect is the fact that J feels unsupported by my parents, especially during the rough patch we have been navigating. Before they knew about our relationship, they would have been unconditionally supportive. Now, he feels like if they know that something is challenging or difficult for us, they will simply point their finger to our open relationship as the problem. I know what he means, and these feelings simply reinforce my continuing recognition and understanding that my parents aren’t the people I should talk about my relationship troubles with. 

Also, comments like “you’re just so young” have been patronizing and un-supportive things to hear (my mom never once told me I’m just “so young” when I told her J and I were engaged). My mom has also made comments intuiting that something may be physiologically wrong with our brains. What the hell?!

I know my mom loves us both, and I know she wants to be supportive. The lack of critical thinking on her part has left me a little dumbfounded, but I also am taking Dan Savage’s approach: coddle her for a while, answer and respond to any questions/comments, and then after a while, leave it all behind. And if she isn’t willing to accept us for who we are, that’s her problem. I haven’t mentioned my dad, because he has not made any comments, or asked me any questions. When we talk to each other, I feel like he is looking right at me and already accepts me for who I am and J for who he is. He may not understand it, but he isn’t questioning it (at least to my face).

I came out to my parents because I had been feeling so utterly disconnected from them, and I wanted to reestablish a relationship with them. I definitely feel like we have been communicating more lately, and I also want to keep our relationship positive and emotionally satisfying for all of us. I hope that my mom can move past this idea that our brains have become messed up so that we can continue rebuilding our relationship.

Semantics?

Something I have been mulling over are the differences between the following words to describe alternative relationship styles and orientations:

Open.
Nonmonogamy.
Polyamory.

I have written before on this blog that I myself identify more with the phrase “open relationship” to describe the relationship that J and I have. For some reason, other terms never spoke to me.

After doing more thinking about it, I think I have reached some new insights and conclusions (which I am sure can and will change, but this is how I feel right now):

An open relationship, to me, still acts as an umbrella term for describing various styles of ethical nonmonogamy. Partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, and polyfidelity are all styles that fit under this umbrella term. However, a distinction I would make between an open relationship and cheating is that an open relationship is one inherently marked by honesty, communication, and ethical negotiation (aka, openness). It just doesn’t jive for me that a relationship marked by dishonesty can be considered “open.” I would consider such a relationship to be nonmonogamous, but certainly not “open.” I have for the most part described my relationship with J as “open,” and I think it is because is feels like such an umbrella term for me. Our negotiations and priorities have shifted so much for us in the past year, that it just always felt easier to label it as an open relationship and describe specifics later.

I think nonmonogamy can be a kind of open relationship, or a relationship where one partner fulfills some of their needs without the consent of their partner. Partnered nonmonogamy is definitely one type of open relationship, in which partners agree to, typically, emotional exclusivity and seek out other sexual relationships. This is in contrast to relationships that are behaviorally nonmonogamous for one partner but without the consent of the other partner. 

Polyamory. Having multiple, significant relationships at once. This conception of polyamory fits me pretty well, both in terms of how I feel about what I want from my relationships as well as what I feel our relationship has become. I definitely believe that I can love others, and that J can love others. I deeply appreciate the ability to have multiple intimate emotional and/or physical relationships in my life, and I know J does, too. As an individual, I do feel like I would describe myself as poly. I think there is still a lot to think about and unpack to identify in this way, but I think that it most accurately describes my personality, motivations, desires, and needs in having an open relationship. For some reason right now, I feel like polyamorous is more of an individual identity. I would describe myself as poly, and the relationship J and I share as an open relationship. If he wants to identify as poly, that is his orientation, just as it is my path to find out how I identify and want to build relationships with others.


To me, the importance in critically thinking about these terms relates to how I think about my sexual/relationship/romantic identity and then how my relationships manifest. I think it also is important in how I relate to others, their experiences and relationships, and make sense of this journey.