Widener Update

I decided!! I am going to defer my admission until next fall. This will give me time to look into other (and more local) programs, and also create more of a vision for myself with what I want to do with a doctoral degree.
For now… floating time. And dancing time. 😀


“Congratulations on your acceptance to the Center for Human Sexuality Studies! We welcome you to the sexological field and look forward to working with you as a future professional and colleague.”
I want to enroll just so I can say I work in the sexological field, which apparently spell check doesn’t think is a real thing. It’s a thing damn it! 🙂
Our lives have been pretty busy and a lot has been in flux this past month. I don’t know if I will end up enrolling now or deferring until the spring semester or next fall. I need to make a pros and cons list…
I think I impressed my interviewer last week with my interest in relationship diversity. Also, when he asked me “Why Widener?” I responded with something along the lines of “Because the program just looks so stinkin’ good!!” Haha! I smoothed it out after that wonderful line, but I guess you don’t have to be the most articulate person in the world to get into a Ph.D. program. 
Choices, choices. It’s good to have them.

My First Day :D

My first day of stripping.
Power. Exhibitionism. Communication. Money. Satisfaction. Dancing. Exercise. Sweat. Shoes. Red. Black. Skin. Naked. Makeup. Smiles. Sexy. Music. Dark. Grime. Old. Young. Twenties. Ones. Sore. Blisters. Exhausted. Happy. 

I loved it. And I have another shift scheduled for tomorrow. I hope the blisters on my fingers, sore legs, and bruises all get enough rest tonight so that I have the energy to do it again tomorrow.

The girls were sweet, a couple were really hot, a couple were amazing dancers. The staff was helpful and patient. The customers were respectful and paid me money. Which was awesome. Hopefully I can rock it again tomorrow!! 😀

To Out Myself or Not Out Myself

This has come up a number of times for me in the past year and a half.

Someone hits on me… we get to talking (this always happens in the gym, by the way… I’m trying to work out!). I have this frantic internal dialogue: do I out myself to prove that people in open relationships exist? Will that be interpreted as evidence that I am into them? Am I into them? If I’m not into them, is it worth it still to tell them I am “available” even if I am not actually feeling available to them? Or, do I keep the whole open relationship thing to myself to ward off having an awkward conversation? If I am into them, is this how I want to start off the whole dating conversation- by awkwardly explaining to them that, no, my BF won’t mind that he hit on me because we see other people sometimes?

Our lovely and sexy friend, when faced with this situation, simply waves her wedding band and says, “I’m sorry! I’m very married” 🙂 I like that approach more and more.

It’s when my damn people pleasing comes in and bites me in the butt. I just want to be open and honest about myself, and it is really important to me to be a relationship diversity advocate. I just want to tell everyone about it, and just for the sake of spreading awareness. I’m not even looking for a date! But that’s the issue. That person is looking for a date. And I need to remember that and take their feelings into consideration before waving my open relationship banner without thinking about the repercussions.

I guess these are nice challenges to face.

The Mono/Poly Combo

I have been thinking about this poly style for a little while now. I have told J a number of times that I could see myself choosing to be monogamous at points throughout my life for various reasons, generally tied to big life transitions: moving, a new job, if we ever decided to have kids, a friend or family member dying, etc. I have thought about how if I genuinely didn’t have any interest in having other partners, how this style would probably work for me. I would still understand the poly perspective, and J’s need for other relationships and partners.

Interestingly enough, I think we have both moved in waves with this style. There have been a couple of points in the past year and a half where we have each taken a break from dating and seeing other partners. I know I am in one right now. I just don’t really have an interest. I feel emotionally drained and scarred, and I need time to heal. That being said, seeing more casual partners sounds good still… I guess I’m not totally in a monogamous space. It’s the need to be out of emotionally-heavy, drama-filled space.

Thinking about it long-term, I have asked myself the question: Could I be monogamous? Do I want to be monogamous? Sometimes, when I am feeling really low, I think, well, yeah. It just seems easier. But immediately, my gut says NO. I could never give up the freedom, choice, and ability to be with women, to have other men in my life, and to engage in the activities that J and I do together. I also know that monogamy isn’t easier in theory. It’s just the way I, and almost everyone else, was socialized, and so I know the rules of the monogamy game much more intuitively and innately than the rules of the poly game. All relationships take work, and all relationships have highs and lows, regardless of their structure.

I am fascinated by couples who make this combo work long-term. It seems like it takes extremely self-aware individuals who aren’t afraid to ask for what they need and who are giving enough to satisfy their partner’s needs.  

Swinging into the fall

We had some amazingly sexy friends in town last weekend… And took them to our swinger’s club for their first foray into a club (we love taking swinger club virgins!!! haha! it reignites our excitement for the place and the people there). And had some hot, hot sexy times!! Both are intelligent, hot, fun, and genuine people… just the kind of partners that both J and I love to spend (sexy and not sexy) time with. It felt so good to spend quality time with people we enjoy so much and also enjoy some low-pressure sexy times. It felt so good to do with them as friends, and also felt really good within the space of our relationship. We needed that low-pressure and fun experience. It was refreshing and rejuvenating.

I had a wake-up moment while we were with them, too: I am so into women. Goodness. After a month of heartache and disappointment, I had forgotten. Almost. Totally remembered after 30 seconds how I feel when I dig a chick. Really hot.

I only wished that they lived a teensy bit closer. Like in the same state would be nice, for starters 🙂

"Piss or get off the pot"

I love my vanilla friends. One in particular has been extremely supportive and understanding of J and I having an open relationship. I don’t know what I would do without her.

After venting to her for some time (for probably the third or fourth time in a month), she said “You know, you guys agreed to do this [have an open relationship], and I am wondering, maybe just piss or get off the pot?” Essentially, she was telling me that J and I have to do the things we both need from each other, even if they are difficult. Otherwise, how is our relationship even fun or satisfying?

On the one hand, yes: simplicity is awesome and is sometimes the best approach. If there are things that make either one of us uncomfortable, but not painfully, heart-wrenchingly so, then we need to suck it up for a bit. Move through difficult emotions, ask for what we need, give each other what we need, and move on.

On the other hand: it’s almost too simple. There are always complicating factors that get in the way of such simple advice. One or both of us feels unable to completely give what the other needs. Thinking about other relationships can get in the way of focusing on each other. Thinking only about what one of us needs also gets in the way. I have done this both ways: I have thought only about myself at times, and at other times I have only thought about what J needs. Both approaches lack the comprehensiveness and compassion an open relationship warrants, and always leaves one of us out. It’s also too black-and-white for me. There is always a middle, grey area, where perhaps you are halfway on the pot… or at least readjusting yourself.

Thinking about it more, though, makes me realize: yes, if we could both agree to such a simple idea, then it seems like negotiations and communication could be a smoother process.

Even though my beautiful vanilla friend doesn’t give advice from a poly/open perspective, I can always count on her for reassurance and honesty. And while the phrase isn’t one I would have chosen myself when thinking about our relationship, I think it rings with some truth about the commitment it takes for any relationship to work.