Vulnerability

I have been feeling exceptionally vulnerable the past couple of days. Part of it comes from this unrelenting emotional force that my messy girl breakup has had on me. And part of it comes from meeting some amazing people.

I feel afraid of being as emotionally open as I once was. I am fearful of being hurt again. I didn’t want to admit this to myself or to J. But it’s true. I have to be honest with myself and I have to keep J in the loop about my mental and emotional state. The excitement I feel about meeting and getting to know new sexy friends is not really impacted by my fraidy-cat-ness, but my ability to feel as heart-wide-open as I would like is impacted by it.

I worked today, and because it was deathly slow there tonight, I had more time than I wanted to simply sit around and think. I really enjoy the fact that at work I am in another world and can let other things settle in my brain before examining them. I can let things take a back burner and they will be there after I have had time to enjoy myself and “dance it off.” But tonight, with hardly anything to do, I started feeling especially emotional and vulnerable. I decided I wanted to leave. I had 40 minutes left of my shift, there were only two customers in there, and both were decidedly talking with the other dancers. No one had come up to the stage for me the last two sets. I decided that I would tell the bartender that I wasn’t feeling well and go home.

The result? One of the most negative, judging, and rude interactions I have had with another human being in a long time. It was awful!! And made me never want to go back. I will go back, because this was just one negative experience and I have had so many positive ones. And I know all work has ups and downs. But to be so disrespected and treated so rudely made my already emotional state worse. J can attest to that. Thankfully, he knows very well how to help me calm down, and he did a great job at that. I love that I have a partner who can communicate so well with me and be so supportive no matter the circumstances.

One of the unexpected things for me about the interaction I had was related to the fact that it was with the bartender I have had a crush on. The crush feelings had worn off a bit the past couple of weeks, but I still found her fun and nice and cute. But our brief, albeit hostile, conversation tonight felt especially raw and crummy because of the lovey-dovey feelings I had for her (yes, had!). I realized that simply feeling a crush or having romantic inclinations for someone makes me vulnerable. That had not ever really occurred to me before in such a concrete way. 

Which brings me back to my original thoughts. I can’t keep my heart closed off. It just won’t work. Those feelings make me vulnerable already, and they will deepen whether I fight it or not. And it doesn’t feel right to me that I would fight such positive and loving feelings. It’s more of a matter of trusting myself and people in general again to create loving and trusting romantic situations and relationships.

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