So I mentioned in a recent post that I had a date with a woman. It was a really fascinating date, because she has a very particular approach to developing intimacy. I sent her an email later that evening to ask how she would have felt if I had kissed her. The email I got back was also fascinating.
She likes to meet for a few weeks, at least, before anything like hand-holding or a first kiss happens. I can understand that preference if you don’t feel the right vibe or chemistry, and if it usually takes that long to feel something click for you. But during our date, there was definitely the right vibe; we brushed hands and arms and even faces. It was a situation in which I would have started to explore more physical touch (eg, a kiss or holding hands). For me, if I feel a click, and it’s obvious the other person does to, why would I want to wait? For some reason, it feels a little arbitrary and superficial to say “Well, I can’t do X yet because it hasn’t been long enough.” Even more odd for me was to receive her email back and for her to confirm that she was attracted to me and felt a connection, but has to wait to hold my hand or kiss me.
I like approaching my relationships more fluidly than this. If the emotional or mental connection is apparent, I want to develop that. If physical attraction or sexual energy is there, I want to explore that. These connections may happen alongside each other, or they may not. Not every relationship has to be some kind of “ideal.” For this woman I met, it is pretty clear that she puts a much higher value on relationships that “last.” It almost seems like that if she were to explore a physical connection with someone and the relationship was not a long-term one, that she would feel negatively about exploring the physical connection. I suppose this is also related to her saying during our date that she might feel sexual desire or chemistry, but that she has to feel sexually “open” to actually do anything, and her feeling of sexually “open” comes from her heart.
Clearly, she and I have different way of relating. I am now trying to figure out what my happiest mode is in thinking about seeing her again. I don’t know if she and I are a great match, in terms of developing a romantic relationship. We talked for 3 hours, so obviously we have a lot to talk about and there is a good mental connection. We’ll see 🙂