Anal Sex & Lube

My boyfriend wants to do anal with me and i have heard that it hurts a lot, is there any lube which can make it less painful.

My first response for you: Do you want to have anal sex? Anal sex requires a lot of warm-up to ensure that it is a pleasurable experience, it requires a lot of communication, and it most likely will require that you are actually into it. Isn’t sex generally better when you are turned on and into what you are doing? Remember that our brains are our biggest sex organs, and that the physical/genital part of sex if going to be much more amazing if your brain is into the situation. (And for a lot of people, being mentally turned on is a prerequisite to being physically turned on. For me, if I am not feeling like exploring anal sex, it will be nearly impossible to warm up my ass, even with a finger. I have to mentally be into it first, before my body will physically respond.)

So, if you are not into anal play at all, I would encourage you to articulate for yourself why and then communicate that to your boyfriend. Or maybe you are interested in exploring anal play, but are mostly interested in just using fingers; maybe the idea of a butt plug or dildo or cock in your ass shuts you down. Or maybe, you are really turned on at the thought of penetration with a cock, and you are really excited to work your ass up to that kind of ass play. Do some self-awareness work to make sure you know why you are, or are not, interested in ass play and then communicate that to your boyfriend.

If you do want to have anal sex, I would encourage you to explore anal play on your own before incorporating your partner. You can experiment with the kind of pressure and other sensations you like so that you are better equipped to explore partnered anal sex. I think it is also really important to know that it requires a lot of warm-up (with fingers, butt plugs, etc; and also remember that the “warm-up” part can be the ass play that you enjoy. Don’t discount the “warm-up” as it can be just as pleasurable as penetration.). Lube is certainly part of the equation, but that isn’t your single golden ticket to having a painless experience. Anal sex should not be painful. Ever. If it is, you need to listen to your body and move more slowly. I would highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. She offers a ton of amazing advice and ideas for exploring anal sex in a safe and pleasurable way.

In fact, because you mentioned that you heard that anal sex hurts a lot, here is Taormino’s response to that very idea from her book:
“Anal sex should not hurt–not even a little. If it hurts, you’re doing something wrong. Pain is your body’s way of saying, ‘This is not working for me right now,” and we must listen to our bodies. If you ignore your body’s warnings and continue, then you can hurt yourself. The experience may make you and your anus more tense the next time you try anal penetration. Your body remembers everything, so don’t try to fool it. You don’t have to ‘work through the pain’ to get to the pleasure. That’s what you do at the gym, not during anal sex. With desire, relaxation, communication, and lots of of lubrication, anal sex can be not only pain-free but arousing and orgasmic.” (p5)

That being said, my all-time favorite lube is Jo’s Premium (silicone) lube. Because it is super thick, it works really well (for me) in the super-sensitive and delicate anal area. And because it is silicone, it definitely stays put when playing in the shower (one of my favorite places for doing anal play). I hope this helps!!

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