Recent Posts I Dig

I ran across both of these blog posts/articles recently, and I wanted to share them! They are both brief, which I think makes them even more effective and helpful.

On Journals of a Polyamorous Triad, Simon posted this article: “Feelings Matter.”

Favorite line (make sure to read it for context!):
In effect, the practice of ethical communication becomes a license to do as they please without fear of accountability or being told no.”

And, on DatingAdvice, I was pleasantly surprised to find this very straightforward article: “Why ‘You Complete Me’ is BS.”

Favorite lines:
“So instead of looking for someone to complete, and for someone to complete you, be complete in and of yourself first.
When you bring your complete self to the relationship, instead of having the relationship or your partner define who you are, then you’re able to really recognize if you’re compatible with the person you’re with.”

And another one: on Psychology Today, “Don’t Wait for Desire: Reverse the Equation.”

Favorite lines:
“If you wait until you feel horny to have sex, you may never have sex again! So, don’t wait to feel horny to engage in a sexual encounter. Instead, put it on your schedule and allow the sexual encounter itself to get you horny…
Just as it isn’t comfortable to put on the wrong size shoes, it isn’t going to work to rely on a model of desire that no longer fits your current life stage.”

Threesomes & Moresomes

My next article for DA went live today: “The Secrets to Having a Good Threesome

Here’s an excerpt:

“Key factors to consider and questions to answer:

  • Who is OK to invite for group sex (friends, strangers, etc.)?
  • How will group sex impact the relationship among the people involved?
  • Is it OK if it happens again?
  • What are the sexual and emotional boundaries?
  • Can you manage jealousy, competitiveness and possessiveness to the extent that a threesome/moresome will be a fun and positive experience?
  • What are your safer sex practices for a group sex encounter?
  • What is the goal of the group sex encounter (fun, experimentation, closeness, love, etc.)?”

Check it out! 🙂

My next one for them will be on how to find people for group sex. Hot!

In the Words of Jen Sincero:

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(from The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks)

“1. When you’re with another chick, the roles can switch back and forth in a much more equal and fluid way…
2. The way women women orgasm is so different from the way guys do. We don’t need to stop and recharge before starting up again, so we can go on and on till the break of dawn without a time-out…
3. I found that every time I did something to her, I could imagine I was doing it to myself. So much so that I could practically feel it even if I wasn’t touching myself at all. The combo of watching her get off and imagining exactly what it must feel like could bring me to orgasm.
4. Women’s bodies are unbelievably soft! They’re like the softest pillows in the world. This has made me totally understand why men go apeshit over us. It also made me aware of my own body’s softness, and it made me feel incredibly sexy in a way I never had before.
5. Lastly, because we live in a society that has a large stick up its ass, also because my sexual hometown is Straightyville, sleeping with someone I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to made me feel kind of kinky. This turned me on like nobody’s business… (pxi-xiii).”

Mmm mmm mmm. All so, so true.

[1. I love being dominant with a woman. Like, really love it. I love being on top and giving a hand job and going down on her. I like grabbing her hair and pushing her back on the bed, and pulling her toward me. But, I also like letting her take over and letting me lay in ecstasy.
2. So true. It’s so different with a woman! When do you stop? Sex can just go on and on in waves.
3. I feel like there is some deep level of understanding with a woman. I know what a pussy feels like and the general anatomy. I’m not as experienced with women, and I feel like sex can be a positive challenge, but the knowledge I have of what a pulsating pussy feels like turns me on when I feel hers.
4. God almighty, yes. Soft skin, hair that smells good, a deliciously fragrant pussy, shapely ass and tits, soft hands, soft face… Mmm.
5. The last point is not as true for me, but I do find myself getting turned on when I think about how same-sex isn’t the norm for myself or for our society. The non-normative experience does something for me on some level. I feel like I am exploring and relishing a unique interaction, that only some people are able to experience.]

What a Birthday Girl Gets…

Time and space to exercise, to feel my body move and sweat, my heart pumping and my lungs working, to feel alive
A birthday coffee with my lovely, lovely lady…. and some sweet kisses, too 😉

A beautiful 75 degree, sunny, clear day

Another weekly counseling session (for the ninth month! awesome!). Investing in my mental health is always a gift.

Meditation, laying in the sun, soaking up rays and happiness from the sky

A relaxing pedicure and manicure so that my calloused feet and hands and sore forearms and calves feel pampered

A delicious dinner out (mmm Mexican) with my amazing and wonderful primary partner, followed by a trip to the swingers’ club to get tied up and fucked. Yes. Enough said. I am So Excited.

Maybe a lap dance from a guy at our gay male strip club. Yes PLEASE.

Here is my most recent favorite poem that I am using to celebrate my week and my day and my birthday:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any — lifted from the no
of all nothing — human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

— ee cummings

Adopting Poly Values: A Good Thing?

Today is Earth Day, and for some reason that reminded me of this article on Psychology Today by Deborah Anapol: “A Message in a Bottle.” Alan at Poly in the News commented briefly about it a couple weeks ago (saying, “I can’t agree with Deborah Anapol’s argument…that the mainstreaming of poly ideas into conventional relationships only helps to perpetuate a failing, patriarchy-derived world.”), and his comments inspired me to read her full article; overall, I agree with Alan.

Anapol finds no comfort in the idea of “mainstream” relationships benefiting from polyamorous or open relationship values. She sees “traditional” “monogamous” relationships coopting these values as a means of perpetuating a broken system of relationships and families. What she really wants is a complete break from the traditional system, and a completely new culutre around love, family, and relationships. She comments:

The ancient Chinese understood that the family is the building block of the culture. Hence it follows – change the family, change the culture. This was my reasoning anyway. But going from monogamous couples to non-monogamous couples preserves the structure of the family. As does polygamy. This is precisely why what was once considered sinful is now being promoted in some very strange places. I am not against families, but my life experience tells me that nothing less than a radical break with the past is what’s called for now, and I don’t believe creating a bigger comfort zone when what we need to do is step outside of our comfort zones, is going to get us out of our current dilemma before ecological disaster does us in.

[I think what must have been the link in my brain between Earth Day and her article is that last line that includes the phrase “ecological disaster.” Also, I know I have read elsewhere about the link between ecological consciousness/awareness, sexuality, and relationships. There has been, in fact, a continuing conversation among some sex-positive folks in the area about “ecological sexuality.” I think it is pretty fascinating to make a link among sexuality and relationships and the Earth’s health. It makes a lot of sense to me that people ascribing to sacred sexuality, including paganism and other earth-based spiritualities, also find meaning in the polyamorous and open relationship philosophies, and vice versa.]

Anyway, I can understand where Anapol is coming from (when you have been at the forefront of the poly movement and have thus witnessed its mainstreaming and acceptance and awareness among a larger population, you probably feel a little tired of always being the “radical” and really just want radical change, and you may feel fearful that the movement you have worked so hard for is being undermined by traditional values of monogamy), but I also think that cultural values and norms change slowly. Maybe one day our culture around love and control and relationships and family will look radically different from today, but as things change, I don’t see the harm in having “traditional” relationships benefit from the values inherent in open relationships. In fact, I can’t really think of a better thing: my younger sister may want a monogamous relationship right now, but I know at least my conversations with her about my relationship have allowed her to make that choice consciously, and I am sure have allowed her to think more critically about her own needs and desires. What is wrong about more people thinking more consciously about what they want and then communicating with their partners (whether dating, friends with benefits, married, poly, etc)? I think it’s better than unconsciously ascribing to societal norms about love, relationships, and family.

Repost: Rules & Expectations

I saw this post recently published on Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: “Poly 101: Rules and Expectations.” I found his exercise and discussion pretty interesting and useful, so I wanted to re-post his questionnaire here:

    “10 or 9 Absolutely Agree
    8 or 7 Strongly Agree
    6 or 5 Agree
    4 or 3 Strongly Disagree
    2 or 1 Absolutely Disagree 

    Ready? Okay, answer honestly:

    1. My partners should know where I am at all times, and, when to expect me home.

    2. I am accountable to all of my partners for all of my sexual and romantic activities. They have a right and vested interest to know who, what, where, when, and why.

    3. It is reasonable that all of my partners know my sexual risk factors. I encourage them to inquire about and suggest limits on my sexual activities.

    4. Should I ask, it is unacceptable any of my partners to lie – or otherwise conceal any facts or details – about a date or romantic encounter. The same goes for me.

    5. My partners can – at any time – request that I do not engage in specific sexual activities, and I will do my best to honor it.

    6. My partners can – at any time – request that I do not date specific people or others, and I will do my best to honor it.

    7. My partners can – at any time – request that more energy be paid to their dynamic with me, and I will do my best to honor it.

    8. I am an adult. I am accountable for every decision I make. I will not allow any excuse (example: being drunk, horny, in a scene, got carried away, in NRE, in romantic love, etc.) to detract from taking responsibility for my actions at all times.

    9. To the greatest extent possible, all of my partners deserve a say in my calendaring and scheduling.

    10. I have obligations (family, financial, parental, spousal) that may at times take precedence over my romantic entanglements, and I will act upon them accordingly.”

    I really liked what he had to say later on about your score:

    The lower the score the more you likely value autonomy and freedom; the more likely you view rules as instruments of control and not as reasonable mutual expectation; the more likely you’ll refuse outside accountability for your actions (expecting your partners to deal with their own emotional responses rather than considering how you contribute to those responses); the more likely you’re to view broad descriptions “Ethical” in the same context as “Acceptable” or “Right”, which isn’t accurate but helps to justify your actions; the more likely you’re to shift blame for relationship problems away from you and onto the back of somebody else; the more likely you’re to make unilateral decisions as not to be confronted or told no.
    The higher the score the more you likely value setting reasonable expectations; the more likely you view rules as tools for negotiating what you want; the more likely you accept outside accountability for your actions and promises; the more likely you’re to consider the feelings of your partners when making independent decisions; the more likely you’re to view contextual nuances of broad descriptions like “Ethical” (ie: it may have been ethical to provide advance notice on your intention to engage in a threesome, but, advance notice alone doesn’t make it “right” if a partner asked you politely not to participate and you refused citing your “ethical and transparent” conduct as a license to do whatever you please); the more likely you’re to make more consensusbased decisions with your partners, understanding and accepting that you may be confronted or told no.

    J and I discussed the questionnaire, and J pointed out that the concept is very similar to Kathy Labriola’s intimacy-autonomy scale that she discusses in her book Love in Abundance. I think he is right; I doubt someone would score high on one scale and low on another. I do think they are distinct, though, in that Kathy’s scale is about intimacy within a relationship, whereas this questionnaire is getting at your willingness to accept external control on your behavior. Both definitely get touch on aspects of intimacy, disclosure, communication, autonomy, freedom, and control, but I think they do so in subtly different ways.

    Unsurprisingly, my score on this questionnaire is between 70 and 80, and I put myself between a 7 and a 8 on Kathy’s scale. J thinks he is similar, scoring somewhere between a 60 and 70 on this questionnaire and puts himself between a 6 and a 7 on Kathy’s scale. Yet another helpful tool for talking about your relationship and figuring out how to negotiate boundaries that feel satisfying and good for you 🙂