Recent Posts I Dig

I ran across both of these blog posts/articles recently, and I wanted to share them! They are both brief, which I think makes them even more effective and helpful.

On Journals of a Polyamorous Triad, Simon posted this article: “Feelings Matter.”

Favorite line (make sure to read it for context!):
In effect, the practice of ethical communication becomes a license to do as they please without fear of accountability or being told no.”

And, on DatingAdvice, I was pleasantly surprised to find this very straightforward article: “Why ‘You Complete Me’ is BS.”

Favorite lines:
“So instead of looking for someone to complete, and for someone to complete you, be complete in and of yourself first.
When you bring your complete self to the relationship, instead of having the relationship or your partner define who you are, then you’re able to really recognize if you’re compatible with the person you’re with.”

And another one: on Psychology Today, “Don’t Wait for Desire: Reverse the Equation.”

Favorite lines:
“If you wait until you feel horny to have sex, you may never have sex again! So, don’t wait to feel horny to engage in a sexual encounter. Instead, put it on your schedule and allow the sexual encounter itself to get you horny…
Just as it isn’t comfortable to put on the wrong size shoes, it isn’t going to work to rely on a model of desire that no longer fits your current life stage.”

Threesomes & Moresomes

My next article for DA went live today: “The Secrets to Having a Good Threesome

Here’s an excerpt:

“Key factors to consider and questions to answer:

  • Who is OK to invite for group sex (friends, strangers, etc.)?
  • How will group sex impact the relationship among the people involved?
  • Is it OK if it happens again?
  • What are the sexual and emotional boundaries?
  • Can you manage jealousy, competitiveness and possessiveness to the extent that a threesome/moresome will be a fun and positive experience?
  • What are your safer sex practices for a group sex encounter?
  • What is the goal of the group sex encounter (fun, experimentation, closeness, love, etc.)?”

Check it out! 🙂

My next one for them will be on how to find people for group sex. Hot!

In the Words of Jen Sincero:

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(from The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks)

“1. When you’re with another chick, the roles can switch back and forth in a much more equal and fluid way…
2. The way women women orgasm is so different from the way guys do. We don’t need to stop and recharge before starting up again, so we can go on and on till the break of dawn without a time-out…
3. I found that every time I did something to her, I could imagine I was doing it to myself. So much so that I could practically feel it even if I wasn’t touching myself at all. The combo of watching her get off and imagining exactly what it must feel like could bring me to orgasm.
4. Women’s bodies are unbelievably soft! They’re like the softest pillows in the world. This has made me totally understand why men go apeshit over us. It also made me aware of my own body’s softness, and it made me feel incredibly sexy in a way I never had before.
5. Lastly, because we live in a society that has a large stick up its ass, also because my sexual hometown is Straightyville, sleeping with someone I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to made me feel kind of kinky. This turned me on like nobody’s business… (pxi-xiii).”

Mmm mmm mmm. All so, so true.

[1. I love being dominant with a woman. Like, really love it. I love being on top and giving a hand job and going down on her. I like grabbing her hair and pushing her back on the bed, and pulling her toward me. But, I also like letting her take over and letting me lay in ecstasy.
2. So true. It’s so different with a woman! When do you stop? Sex can just go on and on in waves.
3. I feel like there is some deep level of understanding with a woman. I know what a pussy feels like and the general anatomy. I’m not as experienced with women, and I feel like sex can be a positive challenge, but the knowledge I have of what a pulsating pussy feels like turns me on when I feel hers.
4. God almighty, yes. Soft skin, hair that smells good, a deliciously fragrant pussy, shapely ass and tits, soft hands, soft face… Mmm.
5. The last point is not as true for me, but I do find myself getting turned on when I think about how same-sex isn’t the norm for myself or for our society. The non-normative experience does something for me on some level. I feel like I am exploring and relishing a unique interaction, that only some people are able to experience.]

What a Birthday Girl Gets…

Time and space to exercise, to feel my body move and sweat, my heart pumping and my lungs working, to feel alive
A birthday coffee with my lovely, lovely lady…. and some sweet kisses, too 😉

A beautiful 75 degree, sunny, clear day

Another weekly counseling session (for the ninth month! awesome!). Investing in my mental health is always a gift.

Meditation, laying in the sun, soaking up rays and happiness from the sky

A relaxing pedicure and manicure so that my calloused feet and hands and sore forearms and calves feel pampered

A delicious dinner out (mmm Mexican) with my amazing and wonderful primary partner, followed by a trip to the swingers’ club to get tied up and fucked. Yes. Enough said. I am So Excited.

Maybe a lap dance from a guy at our gay male strip club. Yes PLEASE.

Here is my most recent favorite poem that I am using to celebrate my week and my day and my birthday:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any — lifted from the no
of all nothing — human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
— ee cummings

Adopting Poly Values: A Good Thing?

Today is Earth Day, and for some reason that reminded me of this article on Psychology Today by Deborah Anapol: “A Message in a Bottle.” Alan at Poly in the News commented briefly about it a couple weeks ago (saying, “I can’t agree with Deborah Anapol’s argument…that the mainstreaming of poly ideas into conventional relationships only helps to perpetuate a failing, patriarchy-derived world.”), and his comments inspired me to read her full article; overall, I agree with Alan.

Anapol finds no comfort in the idea of “mainstream” relationships benefiting from polyamorous or open relationship values. She sees “traditional” “monogamous” relationships coopting these values as a means of perpetuating a broken system of relationships and families. What she really wants is a complete break from the traditional system, and a completely new culutre around love, family, and relationships. She comments:

The ancient Chinese understood that the family is the building block of the culture. Hence it follows – change the family, change the culture. This was my reasoning anyway. But going from monogamous couples to non-monogamous couples preserves the structure of the family. As does polygamy. This is precisely why what was once considered sinful is now being promoted in some very strange places. I am not against families, but my life experience tells me that nothing less than a radical break with the past is what’s called for now, and I don’t believe creating a bigger comfort zone when what we need to do is step outside of our comfort zones, is going to get us out of our current dilemma before ecological disaster does us in.

[I think what must have been the link in my brain between Earth Day and her article is that last line that includes the phrase “ecological disaster.” Also, I know I have read elsewhere about the link between ecological consciousness/awareness, sexuality, and relationships. There has been, in fact, a continuing conversation among some sex-positive folks in the area about “ecological sexuality.” I think it is pretty fascinating to make a link among sexuality and relationships and the Earth’s health. It makes a lot of sense to me that people ascribing to sacred sexuality, including paganism and other earth-based spiritualities, also find meaning in the polyamorous and open relationship philosophies, and vice versa.]

Anyway, I can understand where Anapol is coming from (when you have been at the forefront of the poly movement and have thus witnessed its mainstreaming and acceptance and awareness among a larger population, you probably feel a little tired of always being the “radical” and really just want radical change, and you may feel fearful that the movement you have worked so hard for is being undermined by traditional values of monogamy), but I also think that cultural values and norms change slowly. Maybe one day our culture around love and control and relationships and family will look radically different from today, but as things change, I don’t see the harm in having “traditional” relationships benefit from the values inherent in open relationships. In fact, I can’t really think of a better thing: my younger sister may want a monogamous relationship right now, but I know at least my conversations with her about my relationship have allowed her to make that choice consciously, and I am sure have allowed her to think more critically about her own needs and desires. What is wrong about more people thinking more consciously about what they want and then communicating with their partners (whether dating, friends with benefits, married, poly, etc)? I think it’s better than unconsciously ascribing to societal norms about love, relationships, and family.

Repost: Rules & Expectations

I saw this post recently published on Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: “Poly 101: Rules and Expectations.” I found his exercise and discussion pretty interesting and useful, so I wanted to re-post his questionnaire here:

    “10 or 9 Absolutely Agree
    8 or 7 Strongly Agree
    6 or 5 Agree
    4 or 3 Strongly Disagree
    2 or 1 Absolutely Disagree 

    Ready? Okay, answer honestly:

    1. My partners should know where I am at all times, and, when to expect me home.

    2. I am accountable to all of my partners for all of my sexual and romantic activities. They have a right and vested interest to know who, what, where, when, and why.

    3. It is reasonable that all of my partners know my sexual risk factors. I encourage them to inquire about and suggest limits on my sexual activities.

    4. Should I ask, it is unacceptable any of my partners to lie – or otherwise conceal any facts or details – about a date or romantic encounter. The same goes for me.

    5. My partners can – at any time – request that I do not engage in specific sexual activities, and I will do my best to honor it.

    6. My partners can – at any time – request that I do not date specific people or others, and I will do my best to honor it.

    7. My partners can – at any time – request that more energy be paid to their dynamic with me, and I will do my best to honor it.

    8. I am an adult. I am accountable for every decision I make. I will not allow any excuse (example: being drunk, horny, in a scene, got carried away, in NRE, in romantic love, etc.) to detract from taking responsibility for my actions at all times.

    9. To the greatest extent possible, all of my partners deserve a say in my calendaring and scheduling.

    10. I have obligations (family, financial, parental, spousal) that may at times take precedence over my romantic entanglements, and I will act upon them accordingly.”

    I really liked what he had to say later on about your score:

    The lower the score the more you likely value autonomy and freedom; the more likely you view rules as instruments of control and not as reasonable mutual expectation; the more likely you’ll refuse outside accountability for your actions (expecting your partners to deal with their own emotional responses rather than considering how you contribute to those responses); the more likely you’re to view broad descriptions “Ethical” in the same context as “Acceptable” or “Right”, which isn’t accurate but helps to justify your actions; the more likely you’re to shift blame for relationship problems away from you and onto the back of somebody else; the more likely you’re to make unilateral decisions as not to be confronted or told no.
    The higher the score the more you likely value setting reasonable expectations; the more likely you view rules as tools for negotiating what you want; the more likely you accept outside accountability for your actions and promises; the more likely you’re to consider the feelings of your partners when making independent decisions; the more likely you’re to view contextual nuances of broad descriptions like “Ethical” (ie: it may have been ethical to provide advance notice on your intention to engage in a threesome, but, advance notice alone doesn’t make it “right” if a partner asked you politely not to participate and you refused citing your “ethical and transparent” conduct as a license to do whatever you please); the more likely you’re to make more consensusbased decisions with your partners, understanding and accepting that you may be confronted or told no.

    J and I discussed the questionnaire, and J pointed out that the concept is very similar to Kathy Labriola’s intimacy-autonomy scale that she discusses in her book Love in Abundance. I think he is right; I doubt someone would score high on one scale and low on another. I do think they are distinct, though, in that Kathy’s scale is about intimacy within a relationship, whereas this questionnaire is getting at your willingness to accept external control on your behavior. Both definitely get touch on aspects of intimacy, disclosure, communication, autonomy, freedom, and control, but I think they do so in subtly different ways.

    Unsurprisingly, my score on this questionnaire is between 70 and 80, and I put myself between a 7 and a 8 on Kathy’s scale. J thinks he is similar, scoring somewhere between a 60 and 70 on this questionnaire and puts himself between a 6 and a 7 on Kathy’s scale. Yet another helpful tool for talking about your relationship and figuring out how to negotiate boundaries that feel satisfying and good for you 🙂

    No Expectations

    Ever since I posted my Sexuality: Resting post, I have noticed something pretty unexpected: I no longer feel as “resting.”

    I think it something to do with expectations. I stopped feeling super sexual, so my expectations for sexual things went way down. I just wanted to move through my days and not have any goals for my sexuality or how I express it. Surprisingly, I found myself in situations where all of a sudden things felt easy and comfortable and exciting and fun. I felt like I got what I asked for: to be dropped into situations where I felt safe and comfortable, and things flowed in a positive direction.

    We went to our swingers’ club and I got tied up. It was really lovely to be half-naked again, in front of a bunch of strangers, relaxing into the rope and feeling the endorphin rush. I felt flirty and sexy. I loved it.

    I went on my third date with a girl. And it was super fun and flirty and sexy. And we kissed and it was super hot. It is so nice to be in the presence of flirty, sexy, desirous feminine energy.

    And then J and I met up with a couple from another town. I had no expectations, but I was excited to meet another woman who identified as queer; I don’t think I have met any in the swinging community (plenty of bi women, but not any that identify as queer). It turned out to be a completely hot and amazing night. The group dynamic was super flow-y, sweet, and hot. Both people were fun and funny, sexy, communicative, thoughtful, and mellow. It was really nice to have such a positive group sex experience. And it took me totally by surprise, because I wasn’t even expecting to have an experience like that. It was amazing for me to have the chance to be with a woman sexually- we were both into each other and the situation, and we gave ourselves the space to relish each other’s bodies before it became group sex.

    I think sometimes just letting things go- expectations, goals, preconceived ideas, feelings and “lessons” from past experiences- can mean allowing yourself to be completely open to the present, and open to having new and positive experiences. I found myself in a space where I didn’t feel anxious at all (I haven’t had that in a while in a group sex experience), and I was just in my zone. And it was because I let myself completely let go of past uncomfortable experiences and feelings, and focus on how much fun the present moment was.

    Phone Sex

    My lovely cousin recently loaned me Miranda Austin’s Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills. I finished it in three days!! What a hoot! Her stories are super entertaining, and many of them were arousing for me. (So if you want a combo informative book + erotica, then you may love this book)

    It sparked various thoughts for me:

    -The author herself is kinky and into different kinds of BDSM play (mainly, D/S and S/M). She also got something from phone sex work; it wasn’t super often that she just sat there bored, twiddling her thumbs while she faked arousal. Many of her customers had kinks or fantasies that also turned her on. Sounds like a pretty great job to me!

    -I think being a phone sex worker is a much more intimate sex job that stripping is, and I would bet, more than pedestrian prostitution is. Phone sex is all about a mental connection; tapping into someone’s fantasies, figuring out what makes their brain tick so that they are physically turned on- that is intimate stuff. The physical realm can be so casual and so removed from emotion and mental connection. Not so with phone sex. (Granted, she had plenty of customers who told her what they wanted, got off in 5-10 minutes, and hung up. But many of the stories she included were about customers where there was much more of a relationship, and a consistency and depth to the relationship. And, I think those same things can definitely happen between strippers or prostitutes and regular customers. From my experience, though, it can be far easier to be present physically and not mentally. With phone sex, you have to be present mentally.) Phone sex seems extremely vulnerable, for both people, to me.

    -Interestingly, phone sex is not considered prostitution or sex-for-pay and is thus legal. Also, a rule called the “900 rule” means that any phone lines starting with 900 are regulated by the FCC obscenity regulations. “Obscene speech” is not protected under the First Amendment and so phone sex workers working off of a 900 line cannot talk with you about anything illegal- incest, rape, or sex with minors. Toll-free numbers are not regulated by the FCC, though, and you can talk about anything with phone sex workers there.

    -I like the fact that phone sex is a really safe form of sex!! No chance of STIs or pregnancy with phone sex! And as long as you feel mentally/emotionally safe with the person you are engaging with, you should be good there 🙂

    -I also really like phone sex as another tool to keep up on in your sexual toolbox for use with partners. What it’s really about is dirty talk: learning what words you think are sexy, learning how to describe things in great detail, figuring out your fantasies and practicing communicating them to your partner(s). I think phone sex is hot!! I love the image of J masturbating, and so I know I would love breathing heavily into the phone, dirty talking him, visualizing him masturbating, and pleasuring myself. HOT!

    -I am honestly considering trying to find a phone sex girl who is into girl-girl sex. I think it could be a really hot way for me to experience some girl-girl sex on a semi-regular basis. I’ll definitely blog about anything I try out 😉

    Peyronie’s Disease, Cock Sheaths, Swinging, & Sex IQ

    “I ran into your blog online the other day after finding a few postings on  My searching for these types of articles will become apparent by the end of the e-mail.  I realize you are not Dan Savage or whatever but thought I’d go ahead and give it a go.  Hell maybe it will give you an idea for a column.  If not all I did was waste some of my time by sending a e-mail into the net ether.

    After looking at the postings and some of your replies I’ve got a question about a certain… ahem product that you seem to speak highly of.
    I think it is called oxoballs cock extender sheath.  So I took a look at the website these are from, but that didn’t really answer my unique circumstance/question and I don’t think my doctor is going to be privy to the information I require. Here goes with a bit of story included….
    I’m a happily married guy and I do everything to please my wife (toys, rope, clamps, riding crop, etc. etc.).  The amount of towels we need to put down before sex would suggest that she is having a good time, but I would love to see if the oxoballs would give me some of the extra length I’m looking for.  However, I’m hesitant to drop cash on something that might not fit on a curved penis.
    Any thoughts on if the oxoballs would bend easily around a curved penis or is it quite rigid?…
    Without getting into graphic pictures, etc. wikipedia provides a good overview of the kind of curvature I have (peyronie’s disease).  Long story short over time the penis bends, which results in quite crappy side effects and some shortening of the penis…. And also there is no cure currently except some rather drastic and scary surgery (for the love of God! do not google that… you don’t want to know).
    I have been exploring the long term option of seeing if I might enjoy watching my wife have sex with other men / opening our relationship so she can get what she needs from time to time that I will be unable to physically give her.  Sad thoughts for me, but it could be a reality and it seems rather selfish for her not to pursue things.  We have already talked about this and are very open with our communication.  Right now we are still in the information gathering / talking stage, but we might give it a whirl at some point with the right guy. 
    We also thought about swinging with another couple, but I have doubts about how other wives would react to a curved penis.  It works fine, feels good to her, and she comes like crazy.  However, visually it seems like it might be a shock and / or draw comments (sort of my nightmare scenario).  Also… would one bring up this issue before play starts?” 
    From J:
    The Oxballs brand cock sheaths are quite flexible.  To give you some indication of how flexible they are, it is quite easy to bend them completely back on themselves with just the force of one hand. I am quite confident that they will easily fit comfortably on even a VERY curvy penis. We have both the “Dude” and the “Gym Boy” models and they are both made of TPR Silicone blend which is basically just flexible silicone. The “Gym Boy” is fun because it is longer but the “Dude” is slightly thicker. If you are quite curvy, I would probably recommend starting with the “Dude” as it will be less likely to exacerbate your curvature since it is a bit shorter. 

    Also, I just wanted to add in some information about swinging and swinging couples. Since we started playing with other couples over two years ago we have seen tremendous variety in sexual organs. Everyone has pretty uniquely shaped, colored, sized, et cetera parts. If you engage in more of the “progressive swinging”, which is to go on a few dates with couples and get to know them first before playing, you may feel comfortable enough to hop into bed with those people knowing that they are not the kind of people who are going to make disparaging remarks about your unique cock. OR, you may feel comfortable simply telling them that you are a bit self-conscious about your curvy cock; my guess is that they will respond by providing some reassurance. I will tell you that I have personally struggled a lot with performance anxiety when swinging with other couples and I have found it really helpful to just put it out there before anything happens. I know this isn’t really what you asked about but…I just wanted to give you my two cents.

    From K:

    I thought it made most sense to have J respond to your questions about cock sheaths, since he’s the one who has actually used them 🙂 As the recipient, I can tell you that being able to play with size is fun! However, if your wife is already pretty sensitive to size, make sure to warm up her pussy really well before trying to ram your cock + sheath inside. Both sheaths that J recommended definitely add girth, as well as length. The first number of times we played with them, we had to warm up really well, take things slow, and use a whole lot of lube. A big barrier for me, though, was mental- I looked at how big the sheath was and thought “No way that is going in me!” I was wrong, haha. Now that we have played with those toys many, many times, the mental barrier is no longer there and it takes less warm-up to get J’s cock+sheath all the way in.

    I really wanted to commend you for how unselfish you seem in considering your wife and her sexual needs. I think it is really amazing to hear that you would be willing to open up your relationship so that she is able to continue having intercourse with other people. 

    You mentioned the possibility of you watching her with other men- does this turn you on? What are the goals of watching? Do you want to feel included or do you want to participate somehow? I only ask these questions because it seems important for you to know, as best you can, how you will feel watching your wife with someone else. (Of course, experiencing it can be something totally different. Proactive thinking and talking is the best you can do, and it sounds like you are engaging in that!) 

    I also wanted to reiterate what J mentioned about bringing up your cock shape and sensitivities about it before playing with other people, especially in the context of swinging. My hope for you is that talking about it beforehand will alleviate your anxiety, because you will know before playing with someone whether or not they will be respectful, kind, and whether or not they are sexually/erotically intelligent. (Also, if you are able to have intercourse, enjoy other kinds of sex, and your wife has a good time, I am sure other women would be receptive to having sex with you.) In a traditional swinger space, I would bring it up once you have plans to play with another couple (I would say something like: “Yeah, this sounds really fun and hot! Let’s do it! I do want to let you know that my cock curves quite a bit. I can totally have intercourse and my wife always has a good time, but I just wanted to let you know.” This gives the other people a chance to respond before everyone is naked, and you a chance to relax. Getting turned on while anxious is almost impossible.) In a progressive swinger space, I think you would have ample opportunity and a lot of room to bring it up, whether it is during an email conversation or over your first date or two before things get hot. And, if anyone is rude or mean, you probably don’t want to play with them anyway.

    Lastly, it seems important to mention sexual/erotic intelligence. It sounds like you are quite able to have intercourse still, but are considering the possibility in the future that you may not be able to anymore. I know that depression and withdrawal from one’s partner are common effects from Peyronie’s disease; I’m sure it can feel very depressing to not be able to engage in a part of sex that feels central to many people. However, penile-vaginal sex doesn’t have to be (and isn’t in my book) the be-all-end-all of sexual experience. Oral sex, anal play, playing with hands, playing with toys, incorporating dirty talk and porn and any other kinks all count as “sex” in my book. (And it sounds like you two incorporate many accoutrements in your sex, so, yay!) Think about how you define “intimacy,” too, and how you define physical intimacy. It doesn’t need to only include penile-vaginal sex. Broadening your definition may help you fear the loss of penile-vaginal sex less, or at least help you remember that there is still a lot that you can engage in that is intimate and meaningful and fun. I don’t want to discount your experience or minimize what you have gone through at all; but because sexual intelligence has been a really important part of what J and I have incorporated into our sex life, I wanted to be sure to talk about it here.

    Good luck!!