These are two very different experiences for me:
Hey, I think you are really awesome and I’m attracted to you. Maybe we could pursue x, y, or z? Oh, you’re not interested because of x, y, or z? That bums me out. It might hurt my feelings. I’ll probably feel a little sad.
Wow, that is some insane attraction and desire and chemistry I feel with you. I look at you and I burn everywhere. I’d really love to spend time with you, date you, love on you emotionally and physically. Oh, you’re not interested? I kind of feel, oh I don’t know… devastated.
So, yeah, I know that second experience is a little dramatic. But that’s what unrequited love feels like, right?
I’ve had plenty of the first experiences in the past couple of years since J and I opened up. But that second experience? It’s happened twice in the past year, both times with women that I absolutely fell for. What the hell? The last time I remember those feelings was from my insane high school crush. I crushed on this guy all four years practically, through my other relationships and my single times. He hardly ever noticed me.
I think part of those feelings of devastation (for lack of a better word) come from a sense of the crush never being resolved. I never got a chance (or had the courage!) in high school to tell that guy “Hey, Wow, that is some insane attraction and desire and chemistry I feel with you. I look at you and I burn everywhere. I’d really love to spend time with you, date you, love on you emotionally and physically.” Which means I never got the opportunity to hear from him “Oh, I’m not interested” (or maybe he actually would have been! Damn! And that’s the whole point: it felt unresolved, and still does looking back on it.)
These two most recent heartbreaks of mine are also similar. The first time, I decided to tell the girl that I was totally crushing on her. Well, I was too late; she had recently started dating someone, with whom she felt long-term compatibility. And that was her excuse; she was never honest with me about whether or not she felt chemistry with me and whether or not she would have been interested in dating me had she been available. So that felt unresolved.
And the most recent: I was honest with my feelings. She told me she wasn’t up for dating any one but that she felt good energy between us. We were friends. And then she starts dating someone. What? So confusing. (But leads me to draw my own conclusion: you weren’t up for dating me; why couldn’t you just tell me that?) THIS LEAVES ME FEELING COMPLETELY UNRESOLVED IN MY OWN FEELINGS.
And a bit love sick.
I haven’t cried like that over someone I was into in that way in a long, long time.
Sure, I have cried about situation one experiences; when different people’s expectations or desires for how a relationship functions don’t match up, it can be quite frustrating and maddening and confusing and challenging.
But to have so much heart-tingly emotions bruised is different. And it hurts. So this is my mini pity party.
I gorged tonight on peanut butter and dark chocolate chips (pity party tip #1: take a spoon. Dip in PB. Dip in chocolate chips. Eat, savor, relish. Repeat many times.) I am definitely feeling my sore and bruised feelings, and I am going to let myself just rock in it until it passes. I am hopeful that I will wake up tomorrow feeling better, and ready to keep my heart open to new people and relationships.
Tip to others:
Even though it can be excruciatingly difficult to be honest with others about your feelings, do your best anyway. If you don’t feel chemistry, do your best to just say so. If you’re not physically attracted, if you don’t think you have a whole lot in common, if you are sexually incompatible, etc, etc. This has been a learning experience of my own, too, and I think it is difficult!! I think the best I can do is to be as honest as I know, and expect honesty in return.