No Expectations

Ever since I posted my Sexuality: Resting post, I have noticed something pretty unexpected: I no longer feel as “resting.”

I think it something to do with expectations. I stopped feeling super sexual, so my expectations for sexual things went way down. I just wanted to move through my days and not have any goals for my sexuality or how I express it. Surprisingly, I found myself in situations where all of a sudden things felt easy and comfortable and exciting and fun. I felt like I got what I asked for: to be dropped into situations where I felt safe and comfortable, and things flowed in a positive direction.

We went to our swingers’ club and I got tied up. It was really lovely to be half-naked again, in front of a bunch of strangers, relaxing into the rope and feeling the endorphin rush. I felt flirty and sexy. I loved it.

I went on my third date with a girl. And it was super fun and flirty and sexy. And we kissed and it was super hot. It is so nice to be in the presence of flirty, sexy, desirous feminine energy.

And then J and I met up with a couple from another town. I had no expectations, but I was excited to meet another woman who identified as queer; I don’t think I have met any in the swinging community (plenty of bi women, but not any that identify as queer). It turned out to be a completely hot and amazing night. The group dynamic was super flow-y, sweet, and hot. Both people were fun and funny, sexy, communicative, thoughtful, and mellow. It was really nice to have such a positive group sex experience. And it took me totally by surprise, because I wasn’t even expecting to have an experience like that. It was amazing for me to have the chance to be with a woman sexually- we were both into each other and the situation, and we gave ourselves the space to relish each other’s bodies before it became group sex.

I think sometimes just letting things go- expectations, goals, preconceived ideas, feelings and “lessons” from past experiences- can mean allowing yourself to be completely open to the present, and open to having new and positive experiences. I found myself in a space where I didn’t feel anxious at all (I haven’t had that in a while in a group sex experience), and I was just in my zone. And it was because I let myself completely let go of past uncomfortable experiences and feelings, and focus on how much fun the present moment was.

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