Dear My Partner’s Parents:
I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I am sorry that our coming out to you activated such a deep and intense network of past hurt, pain, betrayal, and deceit. My mom keeps telling me, “Hurt people hurt- they hurt themselves and they hurt others. They are in pain.” It’s not an excuse for your behavior, but it definitely provides context for what you are saying and how you are acting, and for managing my own negative reactions to your reaction.
This is what happens when people aren’t able to reconcile their hurt, whether it’s from when they were 1 year old or 2 or 5 or 10 or 17 or 20 or 25 or 32 or last week. And the reasons are numerous- you didn’t have time, money, access to mental health services, support from family, messaging you needed to “suck it up,” internal belief systems that you deserve hurt or dissatisfaction or that life is supposed to be hard, messaging that you have to stick it out in your marriage because of X, Y, or Z. Regardless, the consequences of a lifetime of hurt spill out and ripple out and touch those around you. Like a bandage being ripped off of a wound that never healed- the skin never healed, and the blood comes rushing. But no one can help you, because you lash out like a defensive creature, hurting everyone else around you, and ultimately, you are left with no one but yourself.
This is amazingly difficult for me. I am giving up my image of being part of your family and what that looks like and feels like. I am giving up the idea that I am a loved and supported member of your family. I am giving up the idea that you are two people in my support network. I am giving up the idea that our party in just a couple of weeks will be filled with people who love and support both of us and our relationship. Instead, I am doing my best to envision other possibilities: that I will now be misunderstood, blamed for all wrongdoing, blamed for not loving your son enough and for not being committed to him and for not seeing him as “enough” for me and for not being “enough” for him, demonized and othered as a freak and idiot. That I will no longer be part of your holiday traditions and other family get-togethers. That a few of our guests at our commitment ceremony and celebration will bring with them a cloud of negative, black energy- a swarm that sees our relationship as doomed to fail in tragic divorce.
Because I am in no place to communicate with you (you don’t want to understand me, and I am not going to agree with you that I am wrong and bad), here are some things that I wish I could relay:
Monthly Archives: July 2013
Awesome Threesome Experiences
“My 5 Hottest Threesome Experiences” is live on DatingAdvice.com today :) I love this post! So many positive memories, experiences, fantasies, situations to look forward to… And don’t forget about my #Threesome #Advanced post I published a couple of weeks ago! (Because that most definitely counts among my hottest threesome experiences)
Feel the Fear… And Do it Anyway
I loved this book.
Basic ideas that I loved:
-At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can’t handle whatever life may bring you. (p7)
-If you know you could handle anything that came your way, what would possibly have to fear? The answer is: Nothing! (p8)
-Five Truths about Fear
1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else.
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness. [I absolutely love this point.]
(p22)
-If everybody feels fear when approaching something totally new in life, yet so many are out there “doing it” despite the fear, then we must conclude that fear is not the problem. (p25)
-Change how we hold fear from a place of pain to a place of power: framing our lives not with pain words (helplessness, depression, paralysis, I can’t, I should, It’s not my fault, It’s a problem, I’m never satisfied, Life’s a struggle, I hope, If only, What will I do?, It’s terrible) but with power (choice, energy, action, I won’t, I could, I’m totally responsible, It’s an opportunity, I want to learn and grow, Life’s an adventure, I know, Next time, I know I can handle it, It’s a learning experience) (p26-31)
-Reclaim you power through taking responsibility for how your thoughts and attitudes affect your behaviors and experiences
-Embrace positive thinking.
-If you think about it, the important issue is not which is more realistic [negative versus positive thinking], but rather, “Why be miserable when you can be happy?” If being a Pollyana creates a happier world for you and those around you, why hesitate for one more moment? (p62)
-Practice affirmations (for example “I am now handling my fears,” “I am becoming more confident every day,” “I am practicing being peaceful and loving”)
-It is amazingly empowering to have the support of a strong, motivated, and inspirational group of people. (p80)
-The knowledge that you can handle anything that comes your way is the key to allowing yourself to take healthy, life-affirming risks. (p107)
-No-Lose Decision-Making Process:
Before Making a Decision
1. Focus on the No-Lose Model.
2. Do your homework.
3. Establish your priorities.
4. Trust your impulses.
5. Lighten up.
After Making a Decision
1. Throw away your picture.
2. Accept total responsibility.
3. Don’t protect, correct.
versus
-No-Win Decision-Making Process:
Before Making a Decision
1. Focus on the No-Win Model.
2. Listen to your mind drive you crazy.
3. Paralyze yourself with anxiety as you try to predict the future.
4. Don’t trust your impulses- listen to what everyone else thinks.
5. Feel the heaviness of having to make a decision.
After Making a Decision
1. Create anxiety by trying to control the outcome.
2. Blame someone else if it doesn’t work out as you pictured.
3. If it does work out, keep wondering if it would have been better the other way.
4. Don’t correct if the decision is “wrong”- you have too much invested.
(p118-119)
-It doesn’t really matter (p121)
-The magic duo- 100% commitment and acting as if you count- allow you to be totally present in each aspect of your whole life (work, contribution, hobby, leisure, family, alone time, personal growth, friends, relationship, etc) and not become excessively dependent on any one aspect, and also able to remain positive if unexpected challenges arise with any one aspect
-Say Yes to your universe. (p143)
-Acknowledgement of pain is very important; denial is deadly. (p148)
-Saying yes means getting up and acting on your belief that you can create meaning and purpose in whatever life hands you. (p152)
-Steps to Saying Yes:
1. Create Awareness that you are saying no.
2. Nod your head up and down- say yes.
3. Relax your body.
4. Adopt an attitude of “It’s all happening perfectly. Let’s see what good I can create from this situation.”
5. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to adopt a “yes”approach to life. Say yes to you!
(p155)
-If all of your “giving” is about “getting,” think how fearful you will become. (p160)
-When we give from a place of love, rather than from a place of expectation, more usually comes back to us than we could have ever imagined. (p163)
-Give away thanks, information, praise, time, money, love
-If we do not consciously and consistently focus on the spiritual part of ourselves, we will never experience the kind of joy, satisfaction, safety, and connectedness we are all seeking. (p192)
-Why choose to be right instead of happy when there is no way to be right? (p199)
I loved applying these ideas to the fears I have encountered in our open journey (J will leave me, I will be alone, I won’t be loved as much or enough, etc) and to the fears I have in other areas of my life (I won’t be accepted by my parents, I won’t find a job I like, I won’t be able to make enough money and travel like I want to). This book provided a really valuable way for me to re-frame my thinking, and I think it will sit in the same spot as other books that have tremendously helped me (Opening Up, Love in Abundance, Intuitive Eating, Love Freedom & Aloneness, etc)- ready to be picked up again and read, and read, and read.
In the line-up next are:
The Power of Now
and
Loving What Is
Super excited! :)
Back to the Basics
With Gratitude and Love
We sent the following message to many of the people in our lives that have supported us unconditionally since we opened up over two years ago. I wanted to be sure to post it here for those of you I didn’t get in touch with personally, so that you know, too, that J and I deeply appreciate you.
We want to express the deepest gratitude to everyone in our life who has shown us support and love in the past two years since we opened our relationship.
J ended up telling his mom last week that we have an open relationship. Long story short, we now know what it’s like to have a negative coming out experience. The silver lining of the experience is receiving the reminder that we have so many other supportive and loving people in our lives.
We have been blessed with many open-minded and loving people in our life, and we feel lucky to have a community of friends and family that truly support us in our journeys of independence, interdependence, love, happiness, and health. Thank you from the deepest places in our hearts for being part of our intentional family and for giving us the space to be who we are. We love you all so much and appreciate each and every one of you for the value that you add to our lives.
Finally, we want to acknowledge and appreciate all of you for taking time out of your lives to come to X in a few weeks (and of course acknowledge and appreciate those of you who cannot come to X for our party for whatever reason; we love and appreciate you all, too!). We are so excited to celebrate the relationship we have built over the past 7 years and plan on continuing indefinitely with the continued love and support and help all of you have already provided so much of. Thank you to all of you for making us a priority in your lives – we certainly would not have made it to this point without you.
We Love You! And can’t wait to party in August!!
K&J
Soothing Words for Today
If you’re AFRAID to say it, that means you NEED to say it.
Love is ABUNDANT.
Relationships that are consciously CHOSEN are usually more rewarding than relationships built on default assumptions.
Real security comes from WITHIN.
When you hurt someone – and you will – suck it up, take responsibility, and do what you can to make it RIGHT.
Treat those you love with RESPECT.
You can’t be GENEROUS or COMPASSIONATE when you fear loss.
Compassion is most NECESSARY when it’s most DIFFICULT.
Don’t vilify those who hurt you; they are people, too.
The world is as it IS, not as we want it to be.
Life rewards people who move in the direction of GREATEST COURAGE.
~All from Franlin Veaux’s awesome Principles for Good Relationships poster
Today included one of the most difficult interpersonal situations I have ever been in. Ever.
J and I had a video chat with his parents today. It was not a conversation, but them expressing how angry and hurt and upset and sad and disappointed they are that 1) we didn’t tell them about our relationship two years ago, and 2) we will “never know the true intimacy” of being with just one person. They think because we are open, we can’t be truly committed to one another, and thus our commitment ceremony is a lie to everyone we invited. They compared us to pedophiles and zoophiles. They told me the email I sent was heartless, sterile, and unfeeling. They implied that I was coerced into being in an open relationship, told me that I am unhappy, and also accused me of not being loving or committed to J.
The place where I finally was struck deepest was when I realized that this was the heart of the issue I have been working on in counseling: to be seen and heard, to be independent, to articulate my needs and desires and to command attention and listening. I voiced my opinions, my apologies, my love, my desires and needs, and received almost zero respect or love in return. It felt really awful. I feel extremely closed off from his parents at this point, and really unsure of any kind of positive relationship with them returning.
I don’t know where this will all go from here. Our ceremony is three weeks away, and I do know that I want a happy, positive, loving, and supportive group of people around me when J and I have our public pronouncement of our love and commitment to one another. I don’t want people there who don’t support our relationship or see it as “doomed to fail” as his parents do.
Keeping my lavender candle lit for aromatherapy, and my focus on my heart and center.
Cocks & Come
Leaving
Coming
Going
Working
Not Sleeping
Exhausted
Loving
Talking
Crying
Misunderstood, judged, pained, hurt
And then
Catharsis:
in this instance, passivity, submissiveness, pleasure
Lingerie
Tongues, licking, biting, rubbing, stroking, vibrating, and
Coming, coming, coming
Cocks, cocks, cocks
(Six of them, to be exact)
All in the name of pleasure, of adventure, of exploration, of desire, of chemistry, of fantasy, of actualization
Later, lying in bed all I feel is my pussy vibrating with the memory of fingers and tongues and cocks caressing it and pounding it and using it
And all I see in my mind are hard cocks, pulsating