Recent Thoughts on Sex & Love

I have been thinking about all of this for a couple of months, and different things are gelling for me right now. Just a smattering of thoughts:

1- It is strange for me to encounter value judgements on different kinds of sex. For instance, in the small reading I have done on chakras, it seems that “tantric” sex is deemed the “highest” or “best” kind of sex. 

2- And yet, I have also been realizing, that for me: casual sex can be hot for certain encounters, but otherwise it is just kind of entertaining as an activity. Like watching a great movie.


3- They are each satisfying in their own way. I don’t think I would ever be satisfied with only tantric-like sex or only casual sex. Both feed me in different ways, both contribute to my sexual satisfaction and sexual identity.

4- Tantric-like and casual sex aren’t a binary, but define a spectrum for me. Depending on the connection with the person and the context and the meaning within the relationship, different experiences will fall at different points on that spectrum.5- I love Aggie Sez’s article on “Riding the relationship escalator.” Just, love it. Even though I have been in a primary relationship, and enjoy the coupled relationship I have, I have been aggravated for the past couple of years trying to navigate how non-escalator relationships can look and act like. And aggravated when, in trying to figure out for myself what that non-escalator can look like, I frustrate others I am trying to relate to.

6- For me, love is distinct from the relationship model within which I find it. For instance, I deeply love J and have also decided within the past seven years that I feel compatible enough with him to have a long-term relationship. In other cases, I can feel sweet, intense, caring, passionate, friendly, fiery, gentle, or another kind of love for someone, see all the ways that we are compatible as friends, play partners, lovers, or some other kind of partner, and see all the ways that we aren’t compatible to be a different kind of partner. For me, loving someone is not an indicator of the “seriousness” of the relationship. I think love is serious, but I also find it so easy to love another person, and I have been able to divorce loving feelings from needing to fit within the “right” relationship model (I have recognized the need to get off the relationship escalator if I am going to continue feeling love for other people- at least, I think I have been able to do this).

One thought on “Recent Thoughts on Sex & Love

  1. I have experienced both, like most of us have. Of course, it's a small subset of the American population that have been exposed to or experimented with the kind of sexuality that is taught in conjunction with the tantric view of human sexual energy. I don't find the “tantric” variety needs to be exclusive or only reserved for a long term partner.

    The tantric sexual bond is more about discovering how deeply we can connect with another human being and celebrating that moment as people on a journey together. It's a sensation of experiencing the divine through this most creative of human endeavors. It's about how we can “melt” into another human's physical space and really feel the joy of their humanity, at a deeper level than just connecting genitally and physically. At least, that's my take on it.

    Obviously this sort of sexual bond can be very helpful in forming the kind of total connection we want in a life partnership. But it doesn't feel “wrong” with someone to whom we don't have the same investment in. There is a unique joy we have with anyone we are intimate with, at least in 98% of cases. But with someone we really value as a lover, BFF, or strong social friend. Having that additional experience of an exquisite, toe-curling, out-of-body passionate moment doesn't need to take away anything at all from our primary lover/partner.

    I see it as a bonus. I would like my 'mate' to have those blessings of moments that have burned an image of ecstasy in their memories. It doesn't need to be a threat, at least in an environment of openness, which obviously you (J&K) have in abundance.

    Those connections where I have taken my “tantra training” to heart are when I have felt a blending with that woman that are profound at many levels. I feel like I don't quite know where I stop and they begin. It's this entwining of mind, body, and spirit that leaves one breathless, even after remembering all my breathing exercises 🙂

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