The time will come soon enough when J and I will be having a vasectomy shower. Ha, not really. We (apparently; I don’t remember being the origin of this joke but J insists I/we made it up) go around talking about our “little baby vasectomy.” So it’s happening soon.
I feel really good about the fact that I have a partner who feels the need to do this. I am of the belief that I don’t control him or his body. For me, it seems somewhat similar to being in control of my decision to get an abortion. What if I was with someone who really wanted kids, and even if we both decided that “now wasn’t a good time to get pregnant,” wanted me to follow through with an unplanned/unintended pregnancy? I would want the choice and control to get an abortion if I didn’t feel ready to have a child. I don’t want kids right now, but let’s say I did. Even if I wanted kids, I don’t think that I, as J’s primary partner, really have the right to instill control over his body. I think we, as primary partners, could join together in a conversation about what we each want long-term and what we want to be priorities in our lives, and then go from there. I don’t think that I get some sort of ultimate say over how he controls his fertility.
I also feel really good about the fact that if I change my mind about wanting kids or raising kids, I would want to adopt. Ethically, it feels like the best thing to me, given all of the kids who are in foster care and are put up for adoption. J feels similarly.
Also, ideally, if I were to raise children, I would want more than one other co-parent. Yes, I think this could complicate relationships and life logistics. But I watch friends and family members and neighbors who are one- or two-parent households and it just looks so difficult. I would want more help. I would want more community. Three adults raising a kid? Four adults raising a couple of kids? Sounds way more ideal, sane, and humane to me (for everyone involved). In fact, reading a bunch of research this week on LGBTQ individuals and couples and their decisions to parent or not and how was really enlightening for me. Many LGBTQ couples end up raising children from previous straight relationships, parent children in their extended family (chosen and of origin), and use methods like surrogacy to create unique family structures. In addition, many LGBTQ individuals around the world have unique family relationships and structures that allow for more fluid and communal parent-child relationships.
I wish that more than condoms and vasectomies existed for male-bodied individuals wanting to be mindful of their fertility. Female-bodied folks have lots of options, and males deserve the same family planning mechanisms. Until then, J and I will be celebrating our little baby vasectomy.
PS: J’s urologist informed him, too, that vasectomy reversal is actually quite successful (“they” just don’t want that published too much). So in the rare event we drastically change our minds in the future, we can probably make some baby Ks and Js. 😉