Dan Savage recently responded to a nosy family member about her brother-in-law’s asexual orientation.
While his advice to BTFO (butt the fuck out) was right on, there were some lines that did not resonate with me. Namely:
“Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed.”
I would agree with Dan that people with out-of-the-ordinary sexual interests/non-interests should lay those cards out early enough in the relationship that the potential partner can make a more informed relationship decision. This applies to “extreme” kinks (like wanting a 24/7 master-slave relationship or wanting to get pooped on), and I think it can also apply then for someone who has zero interest in sex. Dan’s sentiment that asexuals should not date sexuals is getting into dangerous territory. What about other potential relationships where one partner no longer can have sex, or never could, for physical or health reasons? How is this sentiment any different from saying that kinky people have no business dating non-kinky people? I think the world is too big to make such statements, and also assumes that many people don’t have the thinking power to come up with creative solutions to relationship compatibility issues. Maybe it would be easier if an asexual dated another asexual, just as it might be easier for both people in a relationship if they were both turned on from pooping on each other. But love seems to be bigger than having the same exact sexual, nonsexual, romantic, intimate, emotional desires, and I am willing to bet that there are satisfied and happy asexual/sexual couples out there.
What do you think?
Here are a couple of resources on asexuality:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
Asexuals: Who are They and Why are They Important?