Monthly Archives: November 2013

Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time

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This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:

-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that experience here)… that just means we will have to do another filming session 😉

-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure 🙂

-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been much communication between J and his parents about whether we were coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that evening. I finally received a minor bid (albeit full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.

-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love you!

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Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme

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My next blog post went live on MultipleMatch: Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme.

I loved writing this one. Check it out! 😀

Here’s an excerpt:

“I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me, pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.

Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy, although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be great. David Ley’s Insatiable Wives offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.

A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her.

I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having condom-free sex with other men.“

Virginity & Hookups

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J had passed along these two articles a couple weeks ago, and because of my deluge of school reading, I just read them this week:

Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?

and

In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns

So many points I want to make. But the main takeaways from both for me were:

-Debra Herbenick rocks. Definitely check out her blog, My Sex Professor. Her point in the second piece about why we are so focused on women’s orgasms, if women aren’t as focused on orgasms themselves, is spot on to me. If orgasm is important to someone, and they aren’t satisfied with their current sexual relationships and encounters because they aren’t having orgasms, then it could be rich to explore that. Otherwise, what’s the fuss?

-This also points to a larger lack of sexual intelligence in our culture. Orgasm does not equal sexual perfection. Yes, orgasms are pleasurable and connecting and relaxing and cathartic. But not having an orgasm does not necessarily mean that the sex was unsatisfying, unwanted, or otherwise negative.

-The first piece left me a bit speechless (a rarity, really). I felt sad and shocked reading it. Not because virginity is sad to me, but because a lack of sexual intelligence is sad to me- it points to a lack of sexual education and self awareness, pieces that everyone deserves to cultivate and benefit from. The author seems clear on defining virginity as no PIV sex, and it seems like she has engaged in other kinds of sexual acts with partners. Why is the penetrative PIV act the epitome of virginity? Who does that serve? In this instance, it seems that the concept has done a pretty big disservice to the author, creating discomfort and insecurity, and perpetuating an idea of “the soul mate” for whom she can finally give up her (PIV) V-card.

-I had a (woman) customer at work this past weekend, who was so fabulous at differentiating at different types of virginity.

“Yeah, this guy I’m dating is a threesome virgin. Crazy, right?!”

“What about a private dance? I’m a lap dance virgin!”

I appreciated my conversation with her so much, and even more so after I read the above articles.

It adds richness to our lives to broaden our definitions of what sex is, of what being sexual means. Have different definitions for “virgin.” Know why you hold onto certain definitions, dig into them. Try being sexual without reaching orgasm to experience a different range of your sexuality. Let me know your thoughts on the above articles; there’s a lot there to chew on.

Bringing a Vibrator to Class

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I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.

“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.

I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.

“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.

I paused and looked at the other two.

“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.

Haha, yep.

J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to our toy box. It needed a good home.

Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.

I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!

How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo, self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.

The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me know how that goes” I responded, laughing.

Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.

My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a lot more excited to be doing all of this.”

Haha, me too. Me too.

slim vibe

Satisfying Connections & Emotions

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I had a really fabulous weekend reconnecting with lovely people!

Not too long ago in counseling, I was telling my therapist that it sort of seemed to be the nature of having an open relationship that I experience loss often: Well we used to date them, and then we didn’t, and then we were friends, and now we haven’t seen them recently, and I miss seeing them. Oh, and I was dating her and it was an amazing experience, and now that relationship is just gone. And they live further away and we just don’t see them very often. Etc. etc. It makes for a dynamic social network, with people changing from new friends to play partners to close friends to romantic partners to close friends to more distant friends and back to close friends. It can be a lot for me to keep up with emotionally.

But this weekend we got to spend time with a lot of the people that I hold extremely close to my heart. Out dinner with some amazing friends that we haven’t spent much time with this fall; catching up, laughing, and eating felt so good. Some social and sexy time with our other sweet friends who we see a couple times a month; comfortable, relaxing, and satisfying social time and group sex always feels connecting for me. And our other besties over for dinner another night: real conversation about our real “stuff” made me feel totally in tune with them once again. Having some real social interactions with the people who I/we have gone through so much with in the past couple of years was deeply needed I think. And so I am so grateful that this weekend opened up and gave me all of that.

Now to switch gears for a minute:

J and I were at our swingers club on Friday (when I/we had social and sexy time), and it was the first time that J played with another person without me. And I was totally fine. I kept scanning myself for negative reactions and emotions, and I simply didn’t have them. There were pieces in place that allowed me to feel so comfortable, and hopeful that he had a good time. Our sweet friends were there, and I am so comfortable with them, that I just folded myself into them. If they hadn’t been there, I think I may have experienced some social anxiety. Also, J’s slight ambivalence about the situation helped me feel completely non-threatened by the person and proposed play. So, it would have been a different story I think if I didn’t have friends to be with and if J had fallen in love with this person at first sight. But as it was, it was totally relaxing to experience the compersive and easy nature of the situation.

This weekend was full of things to make my heart full and grateful: amazing friends, real connection, and pleasant, loving emotions. Happiness. Love. Sexy times. Yummy food.

(Not a bad way to kick off a week that will be full of family- I’m sure I’ll be writing on various things sparked by the holiday coming up. It’s really awesome to have so many positive connections and emotions salient before I embark on family time.)

Zero Sum?

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In my previous post about competition among women, I did not talk about the assumption of sexuality as a zero sum game. If I have sex means that you don’t get to, then of course the pursuit of sex and sexual/romantic partners and the policing of sexuality becomes a hyper-vigilant and competitive dance.

Another interesting illustration of this was an email J and I received recently from a couple we had met a week or so ago. We had met them for drinks, and decided that although neither of us were attracted to either of them, we would definitely socialize with them more at our swingers club. They were on a trip to Portland and were only here for another week or so. After a few days and another email to them, they finally got back to us saying that they didn’t want to have an awkward time with us: they were uncomfortable thinking about “just” socializing with us, us introducing them to some of our sexy friends, and then what might happen if they hit it off with our sexy friends… wouldn’t that make us feel bad?

Reading their email made me cringe, laugh, and feel badly for them. To go through life assuming that sex is a zero-sum game is sad to me. I have experienced this in other areas of my life, too: money, good luck, love, happiness. The framework of a zero-sum game doesn’t make me feel good. Ever. It creates anxiety, frantic stress, and sadness.

And the truth is: life is not zero sum. The more we give, the more we get. Sex included.

There are always loving people in the world who will be there for us, but only if we plan on it. Expecting less love and competition in romantic and sexual partners means we will act in accordance with that belief and inevitably have interactions that prove to us that life is a competition. Expecting a flourishing of love and sex, of happiness and real wealth in human interaction and connection, means we will experience all that those connections can offer.

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Competition Among Women

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J passed along this article on NYT a few days ago: A Cold War Fought By Women

It is an interesting article about competition among women, and a great example of self-policing among women to enforce purity and virginity standards.

I think it makes some great points, but when I reached these quotes from Dr. Vaillancourt, one of the study researchers, I felt a little anxious:

“The research also shows that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men…Sex is coveted by men… Accordingly, women limit access as a way of maintaining advantage in the negotiation of this resource. Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are, or seem to be, promiscuous.”

While the researchers and others quoted in the article assert that this self-policing seems to be an evolutionary characteristic and reflects attitudes within society, and not something that has been impacted or influenced by media images of the ideal women, I don’t totally buy it.

The system of patriarchy has been present among so many human cultures for so long, that it seems extraordinarily difficult to know for sure if it is patriarchy or evolution that has helped form this competition among women and preference among women for women who present as non-threatening and non-promiscuous.

Thoughts?

Sexuality Critical Genogram

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A major tool used in my counseling program is the genogram, which is basically a family tree. It is typically used during the first few sessions to diagram a client’s family (which could be an individual, couple, or family) back at least three generations. The point is to help clients see intergenerational patterns. They’re pretty cool.

In class this week, we talked about the critical genogram, which is a genogram that also depicts a client’s particular social location (related to gender, sexual orientation, class, race, ability, age, religion, etc.) and how larger systems (like patriarchy, racism, etc.),  have influenced the client’s experience of their social location and presenting problems.

So I decided to draw one depicting my perception of how larger systems of patriarchy, monogamy, and religion have influenced my experience of my relational orientation, gender identity, and sexual orientation. The main messages I have received from those larger systems include “Women are possessions, property, need to be owned, controlled, and contained,” “Sexuality is sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad,” and “Female sexuality is especially sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad.” While I have largely cut myself off from those larger systems, I am still influenced by them because of my relationships with my family, larger community, and the messages I receive from media. I experience relatively integrated relationships with my relational and sexual orientations (I feel really comfortable identifying as queer and having an open/poly relationship), but my relationship with my gender identity (woman) feels more complicated. Because I can’t completely separate stripping from patriarchy, my identity as a woman and my enjoyment and participation in the strip club culture feels complicated and richly complex.

I am excited thinking about constructing genograms with my future clients, especially sexuality genograms, which involves questions about sexual history, familial messages about sex and love, and experiences in current romantic relationships. I’m also really excited thinking about creating a way to construct and use a genogram for poly folks and families.

Here is my sexuality critical genogram 🙂 I’m the pink circle.

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New Favorite Toys

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J and I recently welcomed two new additions to our sex toy box:

My first nipple clamps (Bound to Please Plier Nipple Clamps from Good Vibes)

and

My first collar (Clover Rhinestone Black Leather Collar from Good Vibes)

[We enjoy supporting our local sex toy shops, but an amazing friend gave us a gift card to Good Vibes for our wedding, so we had to take advantage of that!!]

Both additions are extraordinarily hot!

My nipples are typically really sensitive, and while I enjoy my tits squeezed super hard, I shy away from any kind of sensation on my nipples. So I surprised myself in suggesting we get some nipple clamps. These clamps are great though, because you can choose a very low amount of pressure. I enjoyed them for just an extra amount of pressure and sensation, and I totally loved how they looked and felt against my stomach.

My collar is amazing. It is *just* what we were looking for: sparkly, sexy, submissive. It totally adds to the D/s component of our sex life when we want to play with that.

On my wish list:

A flogger.

When J and I were at the Velvet Rope’s grand reopening party a while back, I got flogged by a drag queen (that was awesome- I blogged about it here). Ever since, I have been wanting to buy a flogger, but gosh darn, they can be so expensive!! This one at SheBop looks like a possible option 🙂

Any new favorite sex toys of yours?