On Wanting What I Can’t Have

I think I have that classic condition of wanting what I can’t have.

It took full force in high school, when I pined for four years for a particular jock d-bag. I have not been able to fully undo this unfortunate psychological tug-of-war. (It’s better, but not non-existent)

Scorn me, ignore me, look at me out of the corner of your eye, play hard to get, too busy for me, we want different things: I’m there. Want me? Give me lots of attention? I’m looking elsewhere. What the hell? (I’m simplifying and making it more black-and-white than it is, obviously.)

This has been impacting me recently in that casual sex opportunities are abundant, or at least fairly easy to plan and execute and enjoy in my life, both with men and women. Casual sex is, like Schmitt describes in “New Girl” (new guilty pleasure), a delight of tastings or samplings, or something like that. I get something from casual sex (whether it’s in the context of a fuck buddy or FWB relationship) that I don’t get in a heady, deep, romantic encounter: low-key, relaxed, fun and compartmentalized sexual satisfaction. We meet, we chat, we fuck, we part. Until the next time.

But when I taste what that deeper connection feels like, I crave more (most of the time). And besides my relationship with J (which is deep, meaningful, beautiful, romantic, hot, experimental, and fun), I do not currently have another “sparks flying” kind of relationship in my life. When I sense it with someone (whether it’s a friend or someone I have just met), I get excited, I crave it, and I stop desiring the casual sex so much.

[I don’t like the language of describing casual sex as “cheap” or necessarily as non-intimate, because it just doesn’t accurately describe my experiences with casual sex. I’ve had plenty of NSA sex that has been intimate, and the word “cheap” implies that casual sex isn’t good enough or equal to sex within strings-attached sex.]

And yet, I think there is always a lesson to reflect on in this: Right now, fuck buddy and FWB relationships work for me. For the past 6-7 months I have: had a wedding and a honeymoon, broken up with a girlfriend, started school and kept myself extremely busy with it, decided to leave school, applied like mad for jobs, and got a job. Life has been a little nuts. If I am honest with myself, I haven’t had the time or capacity to tend to another intimate romantic relationship in that time (or put another way: I didn’t prioritize it in the past 6 months). And yet, it’s what I feel like I want. But do I? Now that I have my 9-5 job, I have been getting up early to work out, and then I get home, tired, with only a couple of hours to catch up with J before we both fall into bed. Do I have the time and energy necessary to devote to another deep relationship?

I think my lesson is this: Perhaps casual sex is just what works for now, and perhaps life will hand me another kind of opportunity when I am ready for it. Instead of constantly looking to what the other side of the fence looks like (NSA vs SA sex), I want to try to be content with whatever configuration of relationships in my life looks like, and accept them for what they are. (Ha, I realize I have written so many posts about this. It’s my life’s work.)

heartalone

2 thoughts on “On Wanting What I Can’t Have

    • thanks!!
      NSA=no strings attached
      I don’t think SA is really a thing, but for me in this post it = strings attached (my shortened way of talking about sex within a relationship that is marked by some kind of commitment)

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