Life is Fun in the Sun

My life updates!

-I’m almost done with counseling for my BDD. It’s made a difference. Lots of other things have improved my symptoms the past month, too… like, having J home more, having a new fun workout to do, having some good social time, and feeling like our house projects are coming along.

-I had a lovely massage on Saturday, and then we had a fabulous time at Sesso this past weekend. And then we hosted an awesome party with like 40 people yesterday. Next time, I think I’ll opt to invite a few less people so that I connect with more people. I kind of just walked around, smiling at everyone there! Which is fun, too, but I think I probably looked a little overwhelmed or frazzled or scattered (which I was all of those things at different times). But we got to use our new fire pit and roast s’mores and eat way too many chips. And I loved introducing new friends to old friends and watching connections happen.

-My best friend and her BF and their two puppies from CA are visiting this weekend! I haven’t seen her since October! I am so excited!

-My CA girlfriend and her BF are (hopefully!) visiting the following weekend and going backpacking with us! I want some wilderness time, and having it with such open-hearted, goofy, and loving people sounds so fun.

-We have a trip planned to go visit family in a couple of weeks, and I am so looking forward to getting out of Portland for a few days.

-And, ready for this?? Our three year plan is to: MOVE TO HAWAII. There, I said it! Now y’all can hold us accountable. It’s happening.

-Tomorrow it will be 95 in Portland. Ninety-five. I’m pretty sure my kombucha is going to turn to vinegar in a day from how warm it will get in our house.

What’s new in your world?

End of Week Links

Honorary degrees for legendary pornstars

St. James Infirmary: I am in awe of this organization. I wish I had known about it sooner! It is an occupational safety organization for sex workers. They have an amazing handbook for workers, they employ workers on their staff, they do harm reduction and outreach services, and provide free healthcare to workers… all in SF. It would be so amazing to have something like this in Portland.

Beware the Kerkeslager Effect

What Happened When One Woman Had Her Picture Photoshopped In 25 Different Countries

Blog Updates

I’m currently brainstorming ways of revamping my blog. I need more structure. I love writing, but sometimes I feel purposeless. So I am going to create some additional structure to how I produce stuff on here. I’ll probably make certain days designated for certain topics (such as meditations on Sundays, life updates on Mondays, sex and relationship studies and news on Tuesdays, etc.). I am also planning on restructuring the way that I categorize and tag my posts, hopefully making it more streamlined. Watch out for changes! 🙂 If you have suggestions or things you want to see or read about, definitely let me know.

Happy Summer Solstice!

Today feels worthy of celebration. The longest day of the year, sunshine, warmth, earthly goodness. I love summer time in Portland.

Last year I was celebrating by having a threesome with my girlfriend and J. It was spectacular! I wrote about it here. It has taken me a long time to release the frustration and resentment I felt toward her after our break up, but I finally feel like I am free of most of the yucky stuff. I am thinking back on this night last year with fondness and little sadness.

My energy has totally ramped up this past week. I’m feeling so much better about myself, despite my weight gain. I’ve been turned on all the time. And do you want to know something?

I watched porn by myself for the first time today. Lesbian porn. I wanted to see tits, and I wanted to watch another woman enjoy tits. It was crazy good! And yeah, I can’t believe I’m 26 and watched porn for the first time (by myself- I have watched different porn with J a number of times).

And I danced today, and it was a great shift. I had fun, and my new focus of it as a part time job has helped immensely. It’s not a hobby. I have fun shifts and less fun shifts, but it’s a job. I do it to make money. And I made good money today.

And now, J and I are sitting, and we are going to enjoy each other’s company.

How are you celebrating the light?

Goodbye to DatingAdvice

I will no longer be contributing to DatingAdvice.com, as they wanted a full face photo (which is effectively using my real name). It’s been a good time and a good run!

Access my profile and all of my DA posts here. They will be leaving them up, so they’re not going anywhere.

Thanks to DA for including me for so long!

Have any questions for me about sexual health or nonmonogamy or relationship health? Send me a message through the contact tab above. 🙂

Back Online

I stopped writing for a little bit, but I’m back now. I had an internally tumultuous couple of weeks, and the thought of sharing all of that felt far from helpful. Things are better now and I’m back online 🙂

Life highlights:

J graduated from his work training program!

My little sister graduated from college!

We now have a bathroom mirror!

I make rockin’ kombucha!

We’re having a party with all of our friends soon!

I had pizza last night!

We are getting so close to ripping up the disgusting carpets!

Sex and relationship highlights:

J and I had yummy, rough sex this past weekend. Throat, tit, leg- all roughly handled. Dirty talk. Delicious.

The anxiety and uncertainty related to relationships that had been building for the past couple of months has faded away over the past week or so. I’m not sure what or how- but it has largely melted away. J and I have had some clear conversations about my anxiety and about where we’re both at, and I feel at ease and happy with everything.

I’m reading Franklin Veaux’s book, “More Than Two” and it’s really great. At times I have felt on edge and defensive reading it, because I have oftentimes felt like a shitty poly person. Other times, I have felt secure and excited reading it. But there are many gems within it, and I look forward to writing a more full review soon.

The relationship I have to myself is coming into clearer focus. I articulated today, talking with my counselor, that the vast majority of the insecurity I have felt before in my relationship with J is due to the insecurity I feel with myself. And the vast majority of the insecurity I feel with myself is BDD related. So I am fucking excited to get my BDD even more under control.

My commitment to masturbation helped me immensely last week. Keep masturbating, yo!

J and I are going to a poly speed dating event tomorrow. I’ll report back.

How is your June going? Has anyone else had a noticeable shift in mood and attitude over the past week?

Domestic Violence & Open Relationships

I have had the thought for quite some time, as I think many in the open relationship community have, that the values inherent to the open relationship and polyamory communities can go a long way in preventing gender based violence and domestic violence (here is the most recent piece I’ve seen). Those values go a long way in promoting egalitarian relationships and empower all partners involved to speak up about what they want and need. Nonviolent communication is one of those practices that many people in the open/poly communities practice.

But, I have also long wondered where the intersection is between domestic violence and open relationships: do those egalitarian and nonviolent principles mean that there are not any poly/open folks experiencing domestic violence? I can’t imagine that that is the case, although I am sure it is a tiny pool of people.

And today, at work, my supervisor got a call that very much sounds like a triad torn apart by domestic violence. When my supervisor was describing the call, she said “Yeah, she said it’s her and her partner- another woman- and it’s the guy they were dating that’s being abusive,” giving me this “what the heck” kind of look. The guy THEY were dating? It’s possible “dating” was code for a relationship with a pimp, but otherwise, the situation still made sense to me. I responded with, “Yeah I’ve wondered about that intersection for a while- the one between DV and open/poly relationships.” Her response: “I guess you’ve found it!”

I guess so, unfortunately. Assuming that one community has communication and boundaries down pat and flawless mental/emotional health is a recipe for disaster: nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. Assuming that wealthy people never experience DV or that poly people can’t possibly experience DV or that the queer community never experiences DV is all highly problematic: domestic violence cuts across all demographics.

I don’t feel excited to have heard about this caller- it is saddening and troubling, like all of the calls I receive or hear about. But I do feel satisfied knowing that at least there is someone at my agency who is poly aware and kink aware, who won’t be weirded out by a call like this one (me!). (I do know several other queer and sex work aware advocates, and several advocates who understand poly and kink, at other agencies. Yay!)

Abusers abuse, and I think it can be unfortunately easy to be manipulated and hurt in even a relationship that was once marked by honest communication. And while open relationships and poly relationships are marked by an intense level of honesty, openness, trust, and personal awareness, any relationship can be damaged by one person trying to gain power and control through violence and abuse.

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