Lots of feelings right now:
There is a lot of embarrassed, a lot of sadness, a little rejection, quite a bit of loss, confusion, and frustration.
I have many thoughts, like:
How can you say the sex part feels off when we have both done such a poor job talking about sex? If sexual chemistry feels missing, that is one thing to me. But if it’s the way that the sex works, the mechanics of it- I don’t think we ever gave that a fair shot.
I told so many people about how excited I was. The thought of talking about how disappointed I now am is too much.
I haven’t been held or touched that way in a long time. I feel grateful for last week, and just so, so, so sad that it is gone.
The last woman I was interested in and with whom I tried dating also said she wanted to be friends and to have me in her life. That didn’t happen. I feel skeptical that it will in this case. I also don’t know if keeping this relationship at a platonic level feels right to me.
I don’t know why I let myself be so fucking vulnerable with people I don’t even know that well. And I don’t know that I would want to be less vulnerable, either. I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much.
There are just so many parts of this person that I admire so much. Her honesty, her ability to express her feelings and experiences, her smarts about social justice and domestic violence, her snarkiness, her obvious internal strength. I am trying to let of that just be, without being touched by all of the other above thoughts and feelings.
I think all of that can just be summed up with one word right now: