Feeling Like a Fraud

This post has been brewing subconsciously and consciously for quite some time, so here goes.

I love talking about relationship diversity- it’s something I am really passionate about. I love talking with other people who are new to ethical nonmonogamy about “it all”: jealousy, cultural influences and norms, family of origin influences, compersion, boundaries and rules, communication skills, personality differences, identities, preferences, kinks, porn, feminism, and more. I could do it for hours and hours. I feel like I am supporting and contributing to an important cause, something that is changing our society for the better, and I feel proud to be part of the wave. I obviously love writing about ethically nonmonogamous/polyamorous relationships and all of their triumphs and pitfalls.

What I don’t love recently (the past six to twelve months) is another feeling that has come alongside all of the pleasant ones: that I am a fake.

I should specify: I don’t feel like an “ethical nonmonogamous fake.” J and I have had sexy fun times throughout this past year, and they’ve all been swell, as far as I can remember. Friends with benefits relationships and fuck buddy relationships are satisfying and fun and largely void of yucky emotions for me.

I feel like a “poly fake.” Though, calling myself a “poly fake” isn’t quite right, because I feel like I am capable of holding another relationship of depth and intensity and caring, and giving that relationship the time and energy and love it needs. And although not pertinent to my fakeness or not, J is obviously capable of supporting me in that.

What I question is my ability to ever be “good enough” at poly so that J can also truly experience having another relationship. I know how I felt and acted three years ago and two years ago and a year ago, and while my understanding of myself and my triggers and emotions has deepened significantly, I don’t know if I have had enough practice for getting skills under my belt to where I can actually sit with gross feelings and not bother J with them so much that he can actually function in another relationship.

I don’t know how he feels about this, truly. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and completely agree. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and remember past events differently than me.

I have said numerous times that I have made a commitment to him and to our relationship, and with that comes a commitment toward working through gross things in part so that I grow as a person and in part so that he has the relationship he wants and deserves. I come back to that commitment often, and I worry about whether it’s good enough.

Am I enough? With my shortcomings and past mistakes and past hurts? Is my striving toward independence and separation in our relationship enough?

I brought up this struggle in my women’s group recently. The response I received from most of the women there was a “levels” approach: have you taken things slowly enough? Have you asked for specific boundaries and worked up to more challenging situations? You’ll make it to the next level eventually!

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I appreciated my one dear friend’s response: maybe there are no “levels.” We’re not playing a “poly video game” in which you have to “win” each level in order to proceed. Maybe there is no hierarchy of “poly”ness. There’s just you, and your comfort levels, and your path.

I weigh those different approaches in myself, and I know that for me it’s both: I like to proceed slowly, to know that I get to have a say in how my comfort levels are tried and tested, to know that my partner(s) will respect my discomforts and work with me to grow. I also know that as of yet, I am not some expansive blossoming flower of pure flowing love, able to completely and freely give up a relationship if it needs to go away. I know myself, and I know my sticky spots; I have lots of them. I also know I am afraid of having my fears go away completely: what would that life look like and feel like?

My counselor today, after talking to me about how my body image disorder is exacerbated by being around more naked people as a result of our open relationship, asked me how I deal with anxiety when J is dating other people. And she asked me, rhetorically, if it was healthy to do something that causes me so much anxiety. Immediately I withdrew from her, because the question reeked of poly-misunderstanding and phobia. Good grief! I am here to face anxiety related to my body! How can I not use a similar approach for to my relationships?? So that was not super helpful.

I guess this post is just my continuous self-reflection: my comfort levels change slowly, and that’s okay. I’m trying to focus on relaxing, working on my self-confidence and letting go of personal insecurities, and being grateful for how life changes. I don’t need to feel like a fraud, but I guess welcoming those feelings will help me move through them.

Tinder Update

So I’ve been on Tinder for a couple of weeks now… and my bottom line feelings are:

It’s just another mindless social media app.

I think this article sums up many of my feelings well, and it was written by an older guy.

That being said, there is much more activity as a woman looking to meet women than there is on OKCupid. It is nice that you can see who you have matched with, and I have received far more messages on Tinder than I do on OKC. So that’s cool and worth something. I haven’t yet actually met anyone off of Tinder, although a couple of connections look promising.

I think it’s also important to remember that Tinder may be used in different ways by different people. I haven’t tried using it for casual sex, although I *hear* that is how it’s used most successfully (as opposed to simply making friends or dating). I heard from a good friend who asked his Olympic athlete friends what their experience was like using Tinder- and it was a surefire way to get laid within an hour at Olympic Village. I just want to be a fly on the wall and see all that go down, you know? Maybe because I have super limited experience with really casual sex, I just can’t imagine scrolling through Tinder profiles, matching with someone, exchanging a few messages, and then getting down within an hour.

Any other thoughts and feelings that you all have about Tinder?

Tinder & Hook Ups

I recently got on Tinder. My short reaction is: it’s a weird app. It’s like “Hot or Not,” but more confusing: are people on there for hook-ups? Or dating? Or friend dating? Are the women I see actually interested in being with women? Or am I being shown women because I want to meet women, and are those woman more interested in hooking up with guys and friending with women?

And, in the vein of “Hot or Not” I am struck by the over-simplification of Tinder. How can I possibly tell if I want to meet someone, have sex with someone, or date someone based on a few profile pictures from Facebook? Most people have few words on their actual profile so it’s difficult to tell interests, hobbies, work and play activities, and personalities from profiles.

That being said, it’s a much better platform (so far it seems) than using the Casual Encounters section from Craigslist. Time will tell if from using the app I actually meet any fun and sane people.

So far, my strategy flipping through profiles is: too many selfies (particularly pouty face selfies) get a swipe to the left (no thanks) and smiles, outdoor pictures, and matched interests get a swipe to the right (sure, I’d meet them). One match has resulted in the start of a conversation. Who knows what may come of it :)

(Side note: I have two dates this week with women! Who is stoked?? This girl!)

Have you used Tinder? What has your experience been like?

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Quiet

I’ve been quiet on here the past few days. No real reason, just have been.

Let’s see:

My counselor had me start exposure therapy. I was not prepared for the consequences. I literally bawled my eyes out after my shower last night because I was trying to keep from visually checking my bod.

J and I had a sexy time after I calmed down and he snuggled me. It was much needed and really hot.

I made cinnamon rolls last night. And I let myself eat one today. It was so good.

I have been really tired lately. I don’t know if it’s the little bit of sun I have been in or allergies or my counseling stuff. But I feel tired this week, and particularly today. Like all of my energy has flopped in on itself and is sitting in a little pile deep, deep down.

I got invited to a femme sex party, which actually sounds really exciting and hot and fun. Too bad we are hosting my parents this weekend and I won’t be able to go. Next time!

Someone from my speed dating event messaged me on Facebook, and it was such a sweet message!! She has been silently crushing on me :) So we’re planning a tea date and I’m sure I’ll have updates for that if it goes anywhere…

I am nervous to see my parents this weekend. I am happy- I want them to see the house they helped us buy and to help us paint. But I have a feeling my mom will talk about her 500-calorie diet and it sounds hard to be present for that conversation again.

I kind of want a snuggle buddy. Just someone that would come over whenever and cuddle with me for a little bit and then leave. Just want some extra physical closeness.

My DatingAdvice editor asked for some new articles. I decided to write one on hotwifing, one on BDSM, one on putting out the gay vibes when you look straight, and then she also asked for one on deciding to film yourself having sex (how/when/why/boundaries/etc.). I’m always taking suggestions from my readers, too. Have anything you want to see written here or there?

Those are my updates, for now.

Happy Thursday :)

Recent Reads & Views

I hafta throw it out there (with everyone and their mother) that the strangers making out video is outrageously delightful. I also love that there are two same-sex pairs in the mix. Watching the transformation from awkward to blissed and happy is awesome. (Thanks Jezebel for womping down the mood- it is an ad for clothes. Oh well.)

Feminism is having a wardrobe malfunction: I want the whole damn pie, thank you very much!

Hot Sex…with 35 People: practice safer sex folks! Get tested, use barriers, talk to you partners :) Also, how cool are these commercials? Sexy, arty- a lot like Xart, no?

The Duke student and porn star pieces. This woman is fucking fantastic. All the power and love to her. Slut-shaming and patriarchy and sex work-negative culture has barraged her, and while that sucks, I am also so proud of this person for finding the courage to speak publicly about her experiences.

-I’m The Duke University Freshman Porn Star And For The First Time I’m Telling The Story In My Words

-I’m Finally Revealing My Name and Face As the Duke Porn Star

I am also making my way through my first book on BDD (Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder)- it’s like a whole huge part of myself is articulated and written down. I’ve been reading it, feeling hopeful and then depressed and then relieved and then more depressed. But overall, it’s been so helpful to know that what I’ve been dealing with for the majority of my life is a thing that I haven’t been making up.

Anything good on your phone/tablet/computer/nightstand recently?

Kissing & Hook-ups

In the March issue of Psychology Today, there are two pieces that I wanted to discuss here. One is a short snippet on kissing. Interestingly, a study published in Evolutionary Psychology found that far more men than women would have sex with someone without kissing that person first (53% of men versus 14% of women). Would you have sex without kissing them first? (I know I wouldn’t. Well, for the most part :) )

Another interesting finding from a study published in Western Journal of Communication found that couples who increased their kissing time (variable unknown- how long did couples increase their kissing time to?) experienced lower stress over time. The piece mentions that “just 15 minutes worth of kissing…can reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol”- but I don’t know if that is 15 minutes per week or what. (J and I have been joking that it must be 15 minutes a day! Go get it!)

Another, longer piece discussed casual sex and hook-ups, and recent studies indicating that many young people who have casual sex later regret it. Gender-based differences were found in these studies: in “a collection of studies in the Archives of Sexual Behavior… [demonstrated that] On average, women most regretted the sex that they had; men were more likely to regret the sex they didn’t.” Women tended to be more regretful of losing their virginity to the “wrong person” while men tended to regret not being more “sexually intrepid.”

Have you ever regretted a casual sex encounter? Why? What happened?

I think this gets into a larger question about regret and the meaning of sex. If you learned something, do you necessarily need to regret it? Is your regret based on the meaning you ascribe to sex? What do you all think?

I’m All Yours

Last night I saw “I’m All Yours,” one of the films at this year’s Portland International Film Festival. For some reason, my friend and I thought it was a comedy (which is partly why we chose it)- but it wasn’t. So instead of having a piece of light-hearted and fluffy entertainment, I received something deeper to reflect on.

Here is the synopsis from the PIFF website:

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I AM YOURS

DIRECTOR: Iram Haq – NORWAY

Mina is a young single mother living in Oslo with her six-year-old son Felix. A Norwegian-Pakistani, she has a troublesome relationship with her family, who blame her for her divorce. Understandably: she’s a natural flirt, and while she has plenty of male companions, they tend not to hang around for long. One day, Mina meets Jesper, a Swedish film director, and they fall head over heels in love, but boy and man don’t exactly see eye to eye…. “I wanted to make a very naked and true story…. Often we see female characters being as good a person as possible. Mina is a normal human being, always running after being loved but not knowing what love is.”—Iram Haq. This year’s Norwegian submission for the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar.

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The movie opens with Mina masturbating to porn- I already knew I was going to like her. And from there on out, we see that she accepts and welcomes her sexuality. Although her family is a traditionally hierarchical and patriarchal Indian family, she has somehow managed to divorce a husband (seemingly because she flirted too much with other men) and keep up with various lovers. I appreciated witnessing a character that has unbridled lust, a complex sense of what it means to be a parent, and a complicated way of interacting with her son, parents, and lovers.

The film illustrates the control her family seeks to have over her and her sexuality perfectly- it is unflinching and suffocating.

As I watched Mina run from lover to lover, I was struck by the title of the movie- “I’m All Yours.” That seems to capture Mina’s approach to relationships and love- handing all of herself over to whatever romantic partner is in front of her. But that leaves her with none of herself to tend to. Even the modeling from her family around parental-child relationships and love show that parents do not love and accept their children unconditionally, a pattern that she does not exactly emulate although she does end up physically abandoning her own child. I kept rooting for her silently: You are all yours! Through her parents trying to control her life and her relationships, her ex husband pressuring her to behave in different ways as a parent, and her various lovers manipulating and using her in ways that suit only them, I watched her hand over herself to the people in her intimate life and then silently move through her days. The movie ends quietly, with her alone. I was left wishing that she finds herself, collects all of the pieces of herself she has given away unknowingly, and reclaims her sense of identity.

I think the movie shows the rub between different value systems: interdependence and familial obligation, individualism, sexuality as freedom, sexuality as sin. If you have a chance or ability to see the film for yourself, I recommend it.

Unprotected Sex with Multiple Partners

From my experience and what little data is out there, the ethically nonmonogamous population experiences fewer STIs than the monogamous/unethically nonmonogamous population. Talking about who you are getting sexy with and how you protect yourself are key to staying healthy and seeking care when necessary. When people are consenting to nonmonogamy, this necessitates transparent communication around safer sex practices (birth control used, and ways of circumventing STI transmission, including barrier methods, proper cleaning of toys and hygiene, and regular STI testing). Knowing the safer sex practices of your partners also allows you to give a fully informed “yes” to engaging in a sexual relationship with your partners.

What happens when you have unprotected sex with multiple partners? Is it stupid? Or irresponsible to yourself and others?

People enjoy unprotected sex for a number reasons, which may include the sensation, psychological feeling of closeness and intimacy, or eroticism from having intermingled fluids. It may signal a level of trust within the relationship. For some, it may signal primacy for a relationship. Unprotected sex may also be called condom-free sex or fluid-bonded sex.

An important consideration is the varying levels of risk associated with different types of protected and unprotected sex. I have linked to this chart before, but it was a while ago, so I thought it would be fine to link to it again; I really like it! : STD Risks Chart. I also really like this website: So They Can Know

While I have been impressed and inspired with the level of communication and knowledge within my open community surrounding STIs, birth control, and protected/unprotected sex, it always surprises me (well, not anymore really) that male condoms are always used for vaginal intercourse, but rarely are dental dams or male condoms discussed as options for oral sex. It’s true that eating pussy is relatively low-risk, and I do think a number of people in my community have calculated the risks and decided that getting tested and talking about STI results, doing visual inspections, and using male condoms for vaginal intercourse are enough safety measures for them (that’s pretty much J and I’s routine).

For me, unprotected sex makes sex an intimate act, even when it’s with a new female partner who I may not be as emotionally intimate with. With nothing separating our bodies and fluids, it automatically makes me feel psychologically and emotionally closer to that person.

I was taking a wellness quiz yesterday, and when I answered that I had had unprotected sex with multiple partners in the past six months, it put my answer in a red box with a warning that this was HIGH RISK. I felt my heart rate rise a bit! It’s true that having unprotected sex with multiple partners puts me at a higher risk of contracting STIs than if I had unprotected sex with only one person (even counting female partners). I also think that it’s worthwhile to think about my true risk of contracting an STI, based on my history and record, and other safer sex practices.

How do you feel about having unprotected sex with multiple partners? How do you mitigate risk from being sexually nonmonogamous?

On Wanting What I Can’t Have

I think I have that classic condition of wanting what I can’t have.

It took full force in high school, when I pined for four years for a particular jock d-bag. I have not been able to fully undo this unfortunate psychological tug-of-war. (It’s better, but not non-existent)

Scorn me, ignore me, look at me out of the corner of your eye, play hard to get, too busy for me, we want different things: I’m there. Want me? Give me lots of attention? I’m looking elsewhere. What the hell? (I’m simplifying and making it more black-and-white than it is, obviously.)

This has been impacting me recently in that casual sex opportunities are abundant, or at least fairly easy to plan and execute and enjoy in my life, both with men and women. Casual sex is, like Schmitt describes in “New Girl” (new guilty pleasure), a delight of tastings or samplings, or something like that. I get something from casual sex (whether it’s in the context of a fuck buddy or FWB relationship) that I don’t get in a heady, deep, romantic encounter: low-key, relaxed, fun and compartmentalized sexual satisfaction. We meet, we chat, we fuck, we part. Until the next time.

But when I taste what that deeper connection feels like, I crave more (most of the time). And besides my relationship with J (which is deep, meaningful, beautiful, romantic, hot, experimental, and fun), I do not currently have another “sparks flying” kind of relationship in my life. When I sense it with someone (whether it’s a friend or someone I have just met), I get excited, I crave it, and I stop desiring the casual sex so much.

[I don't like the language of describing casual sex as "cheap" or necessarily as non-intimate, because it just doesn't accurately describe my experiences with casual sex. I've had plenty of NSA sex that has been intimate, and the word "cheap" implies that casual sex isn't good enough or equal to sex within strings-attached sex.]

And yet, I think there is always a lesson to reflect on in this: Right now, fuck buddy and FWB relationships work for me. For the past 6-7 months I have: had a wedding and a honeymoon, broken up with a girlfriend, started school and kept myself extremely busy with it, decided to leave school, applied like mad for jobs, and got a job. Life has been a little nuts. If I am honest with myself, I haven’t had the time or capacity to tend to another intimate romantic relationship in that time (or put another way: I didn’t prioritize it in the past 6 months). And yet, it’s what I feel like I want. But do I? Now that I have my 9-5 job, I have been getting up early to work out, and then I get home, tired, with only a couple of hours to catch up with J before we both fall into bed. Do I have the time and energy necessary to devote to another deep relationship?

I think my lesson is this: Perhaps casual sex is just what works for now, and perhaps life will hand me another kind of opportunity when I am ready for it. Instead of constantly looking to what the other side of the fence looks like (NSA vs SA sex), I want to try to be content with whatever configuration of relationships in my life looks like, and accept them for what they are. (Ha, I realize I have written so many posts about this. It’s my life’s work.)

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Confessions of a Working Girl

I finished this memoir this past weekend, and it was overall a good read. Not super well written, but the content was full of interesting and entertaining bits. I love sex work memoirs and this one definitely filled the need of mine to read a good one. So, thank you Miss S for sharing your story!

I started my new job today, and it didn’t take long to have an interesting conversation with my supervisor about strippers and sex work. No one at my new job knows about my dancing experience, so having this conversation was weird for me. I was talking with all of this authority and insight, but had zero intentions of explaining how I could. My supervisor wanted to know what I thought about the difference between sex trafficking and sex work was, and whether sex work in which a woman has a “pimp” could still be empowering and free of violence.

Here are some various comments from the both of us (I don’t remember the entire conversation or flow, but thought they might be interesting to share nonetheless):

My supervisor: “My daughter came home and was sort of processing the fact that she has a lot of friends who are dancers. She was particularly worried about one who was sort of going down a path toward prostitution.”

Me: “I think sex work probably falls along a continuum. It’s very gray. There could be one woman who has a pimp and finds a lot of benefits to it, while another could feel extremely controlled and manipulated and stuck working at a brothel with a madam.”

Me: “Sex trafficking is different than sex workers who choose to profit from sex in some way.”

My supervisor: “Yeah, what about a woman whose partner doesn’t let her work and doesn’t give her any money [constituting financial abuse] and forces her to have sex? Is this sex trafficking?”

I am so excited to be working in another open-minded and social justice oriented program, and one in which I will still be able to be involved with our local sex worker outreach coalition (now professionally instead of in a volunteer role!) More to come I am sure :)

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