Category Archives: Chemistry

Yummy dreams

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I’ve dreamed about you since I last saw you. I used to stare at you, for four years, I stared at you. We never talked- maybe once or twice. I’m not sure what exactly about you I lusted after. But I dream about you still. Always delicious dreams. You tease me in my dreams, like you did unknowingly when we were 16. Sometimes my dreams became raunchy group sex scenes with you and all of your friends from high school, but you and I still do not interact.

Last night, though, this time, when I saw you, I grabbed your hand and ran with you into an empty room. We kissed, you grabbed my body, feeling it for the first time. I jumped up, you held me, my legs wrapped around your back. I felt ecstatic. The charge was electric. I was so turned on and wanted you so badly.

J was in another place, another room. Knew what I was doing, and was excited to hear about it later. Two close friends appeared, laughing at my ecstasy.

We stopped kissing, your eyes told me that it couldn’t go any further because you have a girlfriend. “Dream me” cared, but didn’t want to. Wanted to disregard the ethics of the situation. But you were resolute and that was okay. I was still riding the joy from taking charge, grabbing you, having you follow, kissing you.

I have been noticing new energy in my life the past few days. I feel “on”- turned on, integrated, joyful even when I’m feeling sad. Our two sexy friends came over last night to celebrate a birthday, and it was magnificently delicious. I’m crushing hard on another beautiful friend, and I love that feeling. And then these dreams I have- it’s like I get to continue to feel that charge through my sleep. I love it.

Sensual Dreams

More Speed Dating

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I went to another speed dating event for queer women. I almost didn’t because of body image anxiety. I was also disappointed when I found out that a particular person of interest wouldn’t be there (the person I met there last time who I felt such a connection to), and that they aren’t making new connections right now. But I went, largely because my counselor gave me such strong encouragement to. Knowing that I would have two close friends there also propelled me to go.

I went with little to no expectations for the evening. I thought I’d leave after a couple of hours so I could get ready for my day at work and talk to J before he went to bed. I thought I would just hang out quietly and observe and leave.

Instead, while I did observe quietly, I talked a little bit more this time to new folks. It started off a little slow again, and there was a long meditation and grounding exercise which again left me feeling a little antsy (I just wanted to be in my own bubble and do my own thing and talk to those that I felt drawn to), although it did seem to set up the space in a loving and connected way. We were encouraged to pick out pieces of fabric to symbolize our situations: Colorful for curious about and open to connecting with women. Coral for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking to play with women.’ Salmon for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking for a girlfriend.’ Red for ‘I am looking for a woman lover/partner/beloved.’ Blue for ‘I am gender fluid.’ I took both the salmon and red and tied them around my wrist. There was a lot of salmon-colored fabric floating around the room although everything was represented.

I even did the eye-gazing activity: we were asked to sit quietly and just look into someone’s eyes for one minute and then again with a new person, for about six or seven people total. That kind of activity is incredibly difficult for me to do. I feel uncomfortable and deeply vulnerable and intimate, and that is a hard place for me to be in with people I have just met. The activity made my rawness feel even more raw, and when my good friend was talking to me afterwards I told her about my recent BDD epiphany and she hugged me and it put me over the edge. I started to cry. What is happening to me?? Why can’t I control this? But my friend just hugged me and we went into another room and she “snuggled the crap out of me” as she so lovingly put it until I felt better and ready to join the group again. I felt myself opening up from a very deep place, and I think I am starting to understand what so many of the women there have expressed- that being with and around women is a very healing experience.

Now the group was playing Jenga- we had spent the first chunk of time writing truths and dares on each side of a Jenga block. It was quite fun, and there was actually a really good variety of truths and dares (not like the last sexy Jenga I participated in, in which, unknowingly and inadvertently, a bunch of us suggested giving and receiving lap dances. It was like a lap dance party! Ha. Still super fun, but just not a lot of variety in things to do.).

What is your favorite fantasy? Where do you like to be touched? Pick someone to give you a massage. Close your eyes and let the group pick someone to give you an anonymous kiss. Hug someone for 30 seconds. Describe you first kiss. When did you know you were attracted to women? What kind of underwear are you wearing? Pick someone to spank you. Describe your best orgasm.

My first truth was something like: Describe your fullest and most empowering you.

“How do I answer that?” I wondered aloud. No one really knew. “Well, the first thing that popped into my head was the fact that I feel really strong and in the ‘flow’ when I dance. I’m a stripper in my off-time, and I just absolutely love it.” I felt totally comfortable disclosing it and felt grounded doing so. I don’t even really know what people’s reactions were to it, and I didn’t care at all.

I later gave another friend a shoulder rub while I described my first kiss.

A little later I ended up sitting next to a woman I had had my eye on. She has large beautiful eyes and a pretty smile and a loud laugh- lots of things I adore. She was also putting out a lot of “curious” energy, like she wanted to sample everyone and everything. We started to hold hands and cuddle, and later started making out.

A song by The Weeknd came on (I can’t remember which), and one of my friends immediately looks at me and says “Oh! You dance to this! That’s one of my favorite memories.” Someone turned it up and some people started dancing. It’s such a sexy song. My new friend and I made out more, and then stood up.

“Do you like peanuts? Are you allergic?”

I was confused. Is this a set-up for a joke?

“No,” I smiled. “I love peanut butter.”

Her face lit up. “What about coconut?”

“Oh! I absolutely love coconut. Everywhere, everything.”

She smiled more. “Okay, okay! Come with me.”

She led me to a couch after grabbing her purse and a spoon from the kitchen. She’s got coconut peanut butter. How adorable.

She pulled out a jar of exactly that. “This stuff is amazing. It’s from Hawaii.” She scooped a little out and fed it to me. It was the most delicious peanut butter I have ever tasted. It melted in my mouth. I fed her some and we kissed some more. She got a couple of strawberries for us and we continued kissing.

We started talking and sharing our open and queer stories and selves. She was lovely and sweet and we exchanged numbers. I don’t expect it to go anywhere, but it may. All I know is that if I had left when I planned on leaving, I would have not been able to explore the chemistry between us. I felt both exhausted and wired when I got home at 12:30am, three hours later than I thought I would be home. It took my a while to calm down and I know I will be processing the experience for a little while.

I thank my counselor and her firm encouragement, and my two friends who were so encouraging and supportive and loving and unconditionally there for me last night. I thank J for deeply knowing me and appreciating me and encouraging me to go and have fun. I thank myself, too, for putting myself out there and staying through the discomfort and anxiety.

Kundalini-Serpent-Power

Picking Your Third

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My latest DA post is live: “How to Pick Your Third for a Threesome“

Read on for my intro:

“You and your partner are ready to dive into some sexual explorations and want to invite another person into your bedroom. Who should you pick?

When J and I invite people into our bedroom, we do so based off some broad principles (which we have talked about before inviting others into our bedroom, and in some cases, figured out together after a disappointing experience).

1. Are we both attracted to the person?

Even if we are going to have an MFM in which J and the other man are not sexually into one another, it’s still important that J be intellectually and mentally connected to the other man.

Determining if we both dig someone else’s vibe, physically and energetically, is an important first step.”

Do you have certain criteria for inviting someone into your bedroom for a threesome?

Recent Reads & Views

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I hafta throw it out there (with everyone and their mother) that the strangers making out video is outrageously delightful. I also love that there are two same-sex pairs in the mix. Watching the transformation from awkward to blissed and happy is awesome. (Thanks Jezebel for womping down the mood- it is an ad for clothes. Oh well.)

Feminism is having a wardrobe malfunction: I want the whole damn pie, thank you very much!

Hot Sex…with 35 People: practice safer sex folks! Get tested, use barriers, talk to you partners :) Also, how cool are these commercials? Sexy, arty- a lot like Xart, no?

The Duke student and porn star pieces. This woman is fucking fantastic. All the power and love to her. Slut-shaming and patriarchy and sex work-negative culture has barraged her, and while that sucks, I am also so proud of this person for finding the courage to speak publicly about her experiences.

-I’m The Duke University Freshman Porn Star And For The First Time I’m Telling The Story In My Words

-I’m Finally Revealing My Name and Face As the Duke Porn Star

I am also making my way through my first book on BDD (Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder)- it’s like a whole huge part of myself is articulated and written down. I’ve been reading it, feeling hopeful and then depressed and then relieved and then more depressed. But overall, it’s been so helpful to know that what I’ve been dealing with for the majority of my life is a thing that I haven’t been making up.

Anything good on your phone/tablet/computer/nightstand recently?

Smoldering

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My heart dropped to my stomach, and the butterflies started.

“Hi!”

I am accustomed to saying hi to people when I am standing naked or half-naked in my club. But all of a sudden I was completely aware of every inch of my nakedness.

“Hi” he smiled. He looked the same as before, but even better.

All of a sudden my Saturday became infinitely more interesting and appealing and exciting. My insides went haywire, my nervous energy went through the roof, my desires electrifying me. As the only customer I had ever had that I would see outside of the club romantically, my usual calm was replaced by smoldering heat.

We sat down at the bar.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It was true. Last July was the last time, and we both knew it. The summer heat and the chemistry between us had culminated in an erotic time in the private dance room. I had given him free dances because I wanted to be there longer. I mostly sat on his lap, grabbing onto his hair, staying close. It was extremely hot. And then he had left, almost fled, really. And I didn’t see him again, and didn’t know if I ever would again. Until today.

We chatted. I filled him in on my school and work adventures, and then he said:

“I had to reign myself in after that last time I was here. I actually had a girlfriend then and still do… I was afraid that it would have gone further if I didn’t keep myself from coming back in to see you.”

I nodded, unsurprised, unphased. Many people who come in are partnered, and it’s just part of the business. People often want a pseudo girlfriend or to find a fantasy. I fill the role as I please, knowing that the club is as far it goes.

He, however, was afraid that I would be offended that he hadn’t told me the truth. I wasn’t, which he found to be a gracious offering.

My nervous energy continued to ebb and flow, and I found a piece of me totally deflated. Sad. Hungry for the connection that couldn’t be satisfied. Was he coming in as a test to himself? To see if he could leave after one beer? Or two? Or three? During my third set of the time he was there, he finally moved from the bar to the table closest to the stage. When I got off, he said:

“Well it’s confirmed. I can’t resist you. I have to make the executive decision to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave right now.”

My bumbling, fumbling, horribly awkward self was barely able to make coherent conversation while he had been there, and all of a sudden I found myself with even fewer words to hold onto. It was like trying to pick up a bar of soap in the shower, or taking off a wet swimsuit. Horrible and aggravating.

He left after a hug and I didn’t even get a way to stay in touch with him. No number, no last name, nothing.

I had asked earlier, “Will I ever see you again?”

To which he replied: “I don’t know.”

Smoldering-Remains-48x48

Mercurial Women

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Lately, I have become much more attuned to the fact that the women in my life are a mercurial bunch, making up silvery, green, blue tidal waves, crashing, swirling, soothing, refreshing.

Friends, lovers, sexual friends, girlfriends, best friends, play partners, want-to-be-lovers, want-to-be-girlfriends, want-to-be-friends.

As many of my long-time readers are aware, I have pined for a girlfriend-type relationship for quite some time. And since breaking up with my first girlfriend this past fall, I have in various ways, pushed romantic connections with women to the sidelines of my mind. In the past few weeks I have witnessed relationships in my life popping up in various ways, old and new, showing me the  beautiful ways in which I am connected to women in my life.

I’ve been more appreciative recently of the ways in which all of these relationships are fitting together, like puzzle pieces. It’s been another way for me to gain experience and perspective into how my open relationship allows me to get different things from different people and relationships. I’ve had the experience of getting a lot of my “being with women” desires met in one relationship, and now I am having the experience of cultivating a rich network of woman friends and lovers and partners who all bring something unique and meaningful to my life. (Mind you, that network has been present in my life for a while, but it has been growing recently in both breadth and depth, and, like I mentioned at the beginning, I am more attuned to it recently.)

Thinking about the post on patience I just wrote, I am feeling more patient right now- feeling peaceful with the relationships present in my life, grateful for their presence, and mindful that everything I need I already have.

waves

Waiting to Have Patience

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My internal reaction to many events in my life, large and small, important and less than important, is:

Hurry up, dammit. I want/need/deserve this NOW.

Patience is something that I strive to work on every day, because every day, something happens which gives me pause to slow myself down.

My paternal grandfather used to say: Patience is a virtue and virtue is a grace, and it all comes together to make a pretty face. He would say this all sing-song, and even as an eight year old, it would drive me absolutely bananas. I hated it! And now at 25, I think maybe I hated the rhyme so much because I knew even then, that I was not patient.

I’ve always wanted things- people, situations, experiences, opportunities-to materialize right when I have had the thought that I want them.

That girl I met? I want her now.

That house we’re trying to buy? I want it now.

That vacation or trip I want to take? I want it now.

That book I want to read, that training I want to attend, that party I want to be at? I want to do it NOW.

How do you cultivate patience? What do you do to keep yourself present with the people and experiences you have already?

Byron Katie would tell me: “You know how you know when you have what you want or need? You have it. You know how you know when you don’t need or want something? You don’t have it.”

patience

A Room of Queer Women

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Last night I attended a “speed dating” event for queer women with a good friend. I had no idea what to expect; I have rarely (maybe never?) attended an event only for women who are into other women. My queer community is pretty lacking. Once we got there, I was super nervous. I had barely any time to think about it during the week, and then all of a sudden- bam!- I was there, and I was sweating through my favorite white sweater.

It was totally Portland- held in a “chemical sanctuary,” we weren’t allowed to wear perfume, someone had brought raw truffles with an ingredient they explained was a “heart opener,” and I felt totally out of place in my gray cords and white sweater. Most people were wearing mismatched flowing pieces of clothing, scarves, no socks, jingly waist chains. I felt out of my element.

The evening flow was a bit off. There was a little too much structured talking and not event mingling and free-flowing movement. My friend and I left about the time they were going to start the “dance and speed dating” part (we’d been there for two and a half hours pretty much just talking). It was also intimidating for me since more than half of the people already knew each other. My social anxiety kept me sitting on the floor for most of it, breathing and trying to relax.

There was one person who I was instantly attracted to- someone who fits a particular “type” I tend to be attracted to. Short hair, more butch in appearance. But he was absolutely glowing from the inside out, totally radiant. Beautiful smile. My heart wants!! (my pussy too) But I got the impression he is perhaps maxed out with romantic connections… we’ll see if anything happens.

All in all, another good experience for me. I pushed my comfort level, got to connect with my good friend in another way, and also met a number of intelligent, conscious, and beautiful women. Happy Friday Night to Me! :)

Jacuzzi Tub: Where It’s At

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I don’t know if I have used a jacuzzi tub before, and if I have, I certainly had never used one like I used one tonight.

J and I had showered together, and it was pretty routine: share the water, shampoo, soap, scrub, wash face, rinse, smack each other’s asses, kiss a little. And then the chemistry that I feel with him came rushing over me, the burning want-you sensation in my abdomen and pussy.We started making out more and more. I knelt down, started sucking his cock, taking him in deeper and deeper into my mouth. We switched positions, and my pussy has never felt so good. I half-pulled him back up and turned around, guiding his cock into my aching pussy. He pounded me, coming closer and closer to coming. Every so often he would pull out and rub my clit so I come come, melting with the hot water.

gustav-klimt-water-serpents-2

He left for a moment to grab a cock sheath, and we started filling up the tub. My heart was pounding, my pussy aching for more. Sometimes it takes a lot of warm-up in order for me to take a cock sheath, but not so much tonight. I wanted it. After J slid his sheath on, we resumed our standing doggy style position, and he pounded me harder, faster, harder.

I had J sit on the edge of the tub so I could slide down onto his cock riding him hard, up and down, back and forth. We made out, he slapped my ass, pulled my hair.

Then, the part that made me hottest: J sat in the tub, and I got on top of him. The buoyancy of the water, the jets and bubbles: they were all too much for me to handle. J’s cock and the sheath were making my pussy wetter and wetter, pulsating more and more with every motion I exerted. Before long I was rubbing my clit furiously, coming harder and harder, shuddering with the desire for this man I love and want.

I wanted J’s come inside me, to fill me up. I whispered dirty things to him, fantasies of ours we share, and I told him what I wanted him to do to me. We even role played a little, the first time ever.

Thank you Seattle, for a fabulous vacation. Thank you jacuzzi tub, for making my hot sex even hotter.

Fat Stigma & Acceptance

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Another really fascinating part of school last week was a presentation on fat studies, fat stigma, and fat acceptance.

Here are my notes from class (a lot of it is verbatim from the presentation slides; contact me if you want the reference):

-Fat studies: interdisciplinary; primary focus on identification/elimination of bias based on body weight, shape and size; deconstructs and critiques research related to weight and obesity; challenges cultural and political meanings ascribed to the fat body; challenges medical models that pathologize fat and prescribe weight-loss as a means of attaining health; weight/size bias combined with oppression based on other areas of difference such as gender, race, social class, and sexual identity
 
-Fat bias in the dominant culture:

  • Research related to systemic fat/size discrimination is less common, but no less valid, than findings that continue to report ongoing oppression in race and gender
  • Discrimination evident in hiring, wages, promotion, employment termination, delays in obtaining necessary healthcare, ability to obtain health care coverage, acceptance to college, parental financial support for college
  • Similar pattern of discrimination (but more research needed) in public accommodations, jury selection, housing, adoption, representation of overweight participants in research
  • Stereotypes of people perceived as overweight: lazy, less conscientious, less competent, sloppy, disagreeable, emotionally unstable, slower, poor attendance records, stupid, and worthless 
    • These stereotypes are based simply on appearance or perception and are unrelated to actual health

-Dominant culture belief that being fat is a moral choice related to a lack of discipline: if fat people simply ate less and exercised more, they would lose weight and thus not have to experience the stigma and shame of being fat
 
-Losing/regaining weight can be more physically damaging to people than remaining at higher weights
 
-Counselors must challenge their own biases and assumptions about fat clients and presumptions of weight loss to promote genuine emotional and physical health, regardless of size
 
-Health at Every Size: a fast-growing approach that work to separate the issue of size and health
 
-Fatosphere: fat blogosphere

-My main question at the end of the presentation was: how do fat studies address the issues of food desserts, cheap unhealthy food, and the intersection of those with class and SES? What about the politics of safe public spaces, gentrification, etc?

This is a fabulous article I ran across the next day after my class; I love it:

Let’s Talk About Thin Privilege

Fatness brings up a lot of emotions for me. My mom gave my sister and I a lot of training around the “right” body shape and size, even while also trying to help us love our bodies “no matter what.” From my public health education, I have been acculturated to medicalize bodies: obesity=bad for health. I have my own body image stuff, which has been at times both exacerbated and soothed by comparing myself to movie stars, models in magazines, my friends, stripping, and being in an open relationship (and being more exposed to naked bodies). 

J and I have had a number of conversations, and sometimes with other people, that attempt to delineate the difference between discrimination against certain body types/shapes/sizes and preference/attraction/chemistry. There is clearly a difference to me and it feels quite different. However, I have seen the two conflated very unattractively in open spaces. For instance, I know that our swingers’ clubs attract a wide variety of people, and I am glad that the spaces are relatively inclusive. But when I meet people who disparage fat people and their presence at our clubs and then cloak that sentiment in “well I don’t want to go somewhere where I’m just not attracted to the people,” my social (in)justice radar goes nuts. Just say it: you don’t like fat people. Or, when J and I were socializing with a couple at a club, J asked the guy if he and his partner have a “type.” He responded simply with “thin people.” Why? I’m guessing because, for him, “thin people” connotes other positive qualities: good, healthy, smart, hardworking, etc. 

Want to test your own implicit attitudes toward fat people and thin people? Take the Implicit Association Test! You can take the test on myriad other categories of people, too. My own results: moderate preference for thin people. (I wonder when they’ll add a category for alternative relationship structures?)