I now affirm my power and my ability to channel it for the things that matter in my life.
I now affirm that I compromise in my life, but only on behalf of my core values and priorities.
Category Archives: Control
Yummy dreams
I’ve dreamed about you since I last saw you. I used to stare at you, for four years, I stared at you. We never talked- maybe once or twice. I’m not sure what exactly about you I lusted after. But I dream about you still. Always delicious dreams. You tease me in my dreams, like you did unknowingly when we were 16. Sometimes my dreams became raunchy group sex scenes with you and all of your friends from high school, but you and I still do not interact.
Last night, though, this time, when I saw you, I grabbed your hand and ran with you into an empty room. We kissed, you grabbed my body, feeling it for the first time. I jumped up, you held me, my legs wrapped around your back. I felt ecstatic. The charge was electric. I was so turned on and wanted you so badly.
J was in another place, another room. Knew what I was doing, and was excited to hear about it later. Two close friends appeared, laughing at my ecstasy.
We stopped kissing, your eyes told me that it couldn’t go any further because you have a girlfriend. “Dream me” cared, but didn’t want to. Wanted to disregard the ethics of the situation. But you were resolute and that was okay. I was still riding the joy from taking charge, grabbing you, having you follow, kissing you.
I have been noticing new energy in my life the past few days. I feel “on”- turned on, integrated, joyful even when I’m feeling sad. Our two sexy friends came over last night to celebrate a birthday, and it was magnificently delicious. I’m crushing hard on another beautiful friend, and I love that feeling. And then these dreams I have- it’s like I get to continue to feel that charge through my sleep. I love it.
Sunday Reclamation Affirmation
I now affirm that I am honest with myself about what I want and need.
I now affirm that taking care of myself first ensures that I am able to be present for others.
Original at: http://kimchicuddles.com/page/12
Current Reading
I just finished (in two days) David Levithan’s new book Two Boys Kissing. It is, obviously, a fast read, and one of the sweetest stories I have read in a long time. Not sweet in a saccharine way, but sweet in an achingly love-me/accept-me/born-this-way kind of way. The stories weave together beautifully, and the characters are portraits of common experiences. I loved it. Check it out!
Getting out of social media and digital connections. Watch this video for a poetic, rhyming reminder for the need to connect face-to-face, in-person with real people. It’s given me motivation to put myself out there recently, to say “yes” to social encounters that make me feel anxious. I can’t expect to make new connections without meeting people in person. I won’t know if I like someone or if they like me until we spend time together in person. I do think social media offers us a way to stay in touch with people we are not geographically close to, but when it becomes a voyeuristic black hole, I think it does start to damage our social and emotional worlds. Close your computer, leave your phone, and join the world again.
This post has been hugely popular lately: Stop Saying “I Have a Boyfriend” To Deflect Unwanted Attention. I think the author makes an excellent point. By using a male partner as an excuse for continuing a social interaction, we perpetuate an assumption that men speak for us, instead of us (women) speaking for us. Using the existence of a relationship seems a little different to me (Oh, I’m sorry but I’m married- instead of Sorry, I have a boyfriend), although it follows a similar path. I have shied away from using this excuse a number of times, for various reasons. Before J and I were open, I remember feeling uncomfortable using this line because I didn’t want someone to just stop talking to me because I had a boyfriend- I would still enjoy the social interaction, flirtation, or attention and didn’t want to someone to just stop interacting with me because I had a boyfriend. Since we have opened up, I have often opened up a complicated conversation by not simply saying “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m not interested,” because I like educating people on open relationships. The few times I have used the “I have a boyfriend” line I have felt cheap: I haven’t been honest about my situation and I haven’t done the open community any favors and I’ve given my agency away to a male partner/relationship as opposed to giving the honest “I’m not interested.” Complicated!
Poly Speed Dating in Portland!
“June 17: Poly Speed Dating!
Coming up in June: Portland’s very first inclusive, all-gender Poly Speed Dating night. It’s going to be awesome… please share with friends!
This is speed dating for nonomonogamous folks of all genders and sexualities, kinky and vanilla alike, ages 21+. We pair you up using a matchmaking system developed by relationship renegades in San Francisco. Couples and groups can date together or separately.
The event is Portland-based, but if you’re from Seattle or beyond and you are into meeting and dating people in the Portland/Vancouver area, please come on down!
Wondering if this is really for you? Have a look at the registration page: you can set your sights on half a dozen gender categories, and ask to meet kinky or non-kinky hotties, or both. Don’t love mingling? There’s an Introvert Corner to escape to during the breaks between dating rounds.
(We’re cooking up more special-interests events in the future. Sign up for email updates or send us your ideas at the website.)
Read more and REGISTER ONLINE at PolySpeedDatingPDX.com
We’re on Facebook too…
Share this event and invite your entire polycule:https://www.facebook.com/events/695557920483254/
Like our page and get nudged about future events:https://www.facebook.com/PolySpeedDatingPDX/“
Healthy Break Ups
I helped with Portland’s first Healthy Break Up Summit yesterday, a summit based off the Boston event. There weren’t a ton of youth that showed up, but it went well nonetheless. The point of the event is to give space to talking about not only what a healthy relationship looks like but what a healthy break up looks like as well- there are a lot of resources out there around how to have a healthy relationship, but the truth is, most relationships end. So how can we give young people the skills and resources they need so they can have a healthy break up, instead of one characterized by abuse, isolation, bullying, or other unhealthy dynamics? It makes a lot of sense to me that providing young people with these skills would go a long way toward preventing abusive or violent relationships. Caveat of course: A healthy break up is probably not possible if you have been in an abusive relationship. Abuse is never the survivor’s fault, and survivor’s have the right to as much distance and privacy as they need to stay safe.
I helped with a high school workshop on how to use and not use social media during a break up: what are healthy and unhealthy practices? I was shocked by the number of students who said it was okay to log into an ex’s social media profile (whether for snooping, posting embarrassing/hurtful comments, etc.). And then when my co-facilitator asked how many thought it is okay to share password information for social media profiles with current dating partners, almost all of them said that OF COURSE you do! Because if you don’t share that information, your dating partner will assume that you are cheating on them, and vice versa. (Yikes!!! I was crumbling inside.)
Later, co-facilitating a workshop on healthy relationships for middle school youth (which happened to be just two middle school girls, sisters), I was sort of blown away by their nonchalant discussion surrounding how many people at their school have sex. I am so curious: are there that many students in their middle school actually having sex? Or is it all talk?
And after that, during the wrap-up and raffle, one of those girls shared with the whole audience that what she learned from our workshop was that “having a healthy relationship means being faithful”- reminding me that people, and youth, hear what they want and need to hear. Yes, we did have a more complicated discussion about what “faithful” means- it can mean different things to different people, what does it mean to you?, do you think that your definition is everyone’s definition?, etc. I tried not to feel embarrassed (not that “being faithful” isn’t healthy- it definitely is healthy to honor promises and commitments. I guess I have an aversion to that word). She learned what she learned, and hopefully we reinforced some healthy relationship ideas.
The whole afternoon and evening brought me back to my middle school and high school days. And how atrocious I was in the dating arena. I was crazy jealous, sobbed and threw tantrums over break ups, gossiped when I was pissed at a partner, and tried to make ex partners jealous. I cuddled up to J last night and apologized for the vestiges of my past dating experience and said how grateful I am that we have grown together. He’s pretty much the best.
Messages I Wish Young People Today Could Grow Up With & Live By
(AKA Things I Wish I Learned & Understood When I Was 13)
-Jealousy is a feeling, just like your other feelings. And it’s your feeling. Own it, manage it, and cope with it, but don’t turn it into an excuse for hurtful or abusive behavior.
-Love is truly infinite. If romantic love leaves a healthy dating relationship, universal love remains. Treat your ex partner graciously and with kindness.
-When you talk about “relationships,” remember to tend all of your relationships: with friends, family, teachers, spiritual leaders and community, dating partners, the earth, language, music, movement, food, and of course, YOURSELF.
-Find balance in your life. Balance all of your relationships, including your dating relationships, with work, school, spiritual life, and relaxation.
-Don’t be afraid to love fearlessly. Know that sometimes love hurts, but that it’s okay to hurt sometimes. All things pass and change. The hurt will pass, too.
-Welcome your sexuality. Experiment. Practice safer sex. Talk about sex with dating partners. And friends. Get consent, give consent. Identify safe adults in your life you can confide in and ask questions of. You’ll know when you’re ready to be sexual with other people. Know how your body works. Sex can go with love, but not always. It always should go with consent and a mutual “yes.”
-It is possible to love multiple people at the same time. Welcome that love into your life if it feels right for you.
What would you add to this list?
Sunday Reclamation Affirmation
I now affirm my capacity to be vulnerable and to allow others to influence my life.
I now affirm that I can control very little that happens to me.
I now affirm that I can control how I respond to situations.
Sunday Reclamation Affirmation
Do you ever feel helpless or in need of rescue? It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help, and to recognize the interdependency of life. The value of individualism propagated in the United States is, in my opinion, way overrated. Asking for and receiving help is part of life, and it doesn’t mean that your journey is less valuable. or that your identity or character is less admirable. Becoming comfortable with the vulnerability that interdependency necessitates will help you see what in your life you can truly control, what you can’t, and where relying on others will not only help you survive, but help you thrive. Don’t only reclaim your strength and power, as your fragility and vulnerability is just as important.
I now affirm that I am a capable and competent human being.
I now affirm I have the strength and flexibility to meet every challenge.
I now affirm that I can ask for help when I need it, and that I will still be respected.
*A note about my weekly affirmations:
I subscribe to the Enneagram Institute‘s EnneaThought, which sends me a daily affirmation or reminder based on my number (I’m a 2). I have adapted many affirmations from these daily emails to create my weekly affirmations for this blog. I have also begun investigating other numbers to create affirmations that are geared toward other personality descriptions. Just so ya know, and if you are interested in having another way to receive regular reminders and meditations.
Waiting to Have Patience
My internal reaction to many events in my life, large and small, important and less than important, is:
Hurry up, dammit. I want/need/deserve this NOW.
Patience is something that I strive to work on every day, because every day, something happens which gives me pause to slow myself down.
My paternal grandfather used to say: Patience is a virtue and virtue is a grace, and it all comes together to make a pretty face. He would say this all sing-song, and even as an eight year old, it would drive me absolutely bananas. I hated it! And now at 25, I think maybe I hated the rhyme so much because I knew even then, that I was not patient.
I’ve always wanted things- people, situations, experiences, opportunities-to materialize right when I have had the thought that I want them.
That girl I met? I want her now.
That house we’re trying to buy? I want it now.
That vacation or trip I want to take? I want it now.
That book I want to read, that training I want to attend, that party I want to be at? I want to do it NOW.
How do you cultivate patience? What do you do to keep yourself present with the people and experiences you have already?
Byron Katie would tell me: “You know how you know when you have what you want or need? You have it. You know how you know when you don’t need or want something? You don’t have it.”
Sexual Violence Prevention
I attended a training this week for work and while, overall, it was fairly boring, there was some food for thought about how kids learn about violence and its acceptability within relationships.
It makes sense that to prevent violence we would want to focus on the early part of life, right? (Similar to other prevention efforts: start when people are young, and you can instill values and behaviors that will help keep them healthy throughout life). Intervention is helpful, too, but prevention is more cost-effective and humane.
The presenter mentioned how she witnessed her granddaughters learning violence on the soccer field. Her granddaughter was awarded with applause and cheers when she took out a player from another team: violence = winning. How can we ensure that kids are able to separate out healthy competition from violence from interacting with teammates and competitors from interacting with friends, family, and intimate partners?
I think this also gets into all of the research behind how violent video games impact people’s perception of violence and understanding of gender roles.
Here are a couple of resources that do both prevention and intervention:
Futures Without Violence: this organization does a host of programs targeted toward different groups of people. Coaching Boys Into Men is specifically for young male athletes.
One Love Foundation: they have a phone app for supporting people in abusive relationships stay safe
If you’re a parent, how are you talking to your kids about sexuality and violence? If you’re not, how might you model to younger people what healthy and nonviolent relationships look like?
Sunday Reclamation Affirmation
Let’s turn our focus to the dynamic nature of life, including the dynamic nature of relationships. Holding someone tighter and tighter doesn’t mean they are any more close, while it does mean there is less space for both of you to breathe. Relationships will always change. My relationship with J today is different than it was seven years ago, different than it was six months ago, different than it was yesterday, because today is today. You have to relax and let go of being in control of your life, and especially relax and let go of trying to control someone else’s life. Let go to receive. Receive to let go.
I now affirm that I can let go of loved ones.
I now affirm that I have the flexibility to meet life’s changes.
