Category Archives: Love

Taking Care of Myself

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Quick recap of my past week or so:

Last Friday was a hard day. Not only did I find out that I did not get a job I had been holding out for, but I ended my work day being unable to provide emergency services to two survivors who were in desperate need. I was the only one left in the building, and at 5:50pm, I just sat on my yoga ball and cried for a few minutes. When I was done, I got a sticky note, and wrote down the things I was going to do that weekend to take care of myself. It included: finishing my kombucha, taking a bath, sleeping in, doing my nails, watching Game of Thrones, and basking in the sun. I am proud to say I did all of these things, except for getting caught up on GoT. But that’s okay, because now J and I have three episodes we can watch together all in a row (which is definitely better than one at a time).

Monday was a glorious day, deliciously all to myself. And even the moments when I felt like maybe I was “wasting” time, I knew deep down that I wasn’t. The day was spent exactly how it needed to be spent. I slept in, lingered over breakfast, got some things done on my to do list, went to the gym, interviewed for a friend’s book on sex and happiness (fantastic!! thanks for including me!), laid in the sun, took photos of myself naked in the sun, and generally loved on myself. Including pulling out my Lelo Ino for an awesome masturbation sesh (which, by the way, do y’all remember/know that May is National Masturbation Month?)

And! I happen to be enthralled with this amazing woman, and I only wish she lived closer. Although when I channel my inner Byron Katie, I know that it is how it should be, because that is how it is. We will enjoy each other through Facebook and Skype until we see each other in person. And when we see each other in person, it will be fantastic, that much I am certain of.

My parents are coming to visit next week. I’m trying to decide how public to be with my DatingAdvice contributions (using my full name or pseudonym, etc). I’m registering for fall classes next week. We’re flying down to the Bay Area in a couple of weeks for my sister’s college graduation. I’m planning a summer party with all of our best peeps. I’m almost done painting our house! J fixed our toilet AND sink! Life is full and rich as always. My BDD is feeling more manageable this past week, which is a relief.

Happy Spring!

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Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

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I now affirm that I accept myself, curves, edges, and all.

I now affirm that I am in a constant state of becoming.

 

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

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Thank you JD for the inspiration for this one <3

Finicky

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Spring time in Portland is maddening. I am much more used to it these days than I have been in past years. I now understand and can expect that from about mid-February until late June, the weather can range from high 40s to low 90s during the day, it may or may not rain, and the sun may or may not come out. While I can expect it, it still makes me feel stir-crazy: I’m waiting on the edge of my seat every day to find out if the sun is going to come out, and if it is, whether I’ll have any time to enjoy it.

The weather here, and particularly this time of year, is finicky. It’s made me think more and more about how our physical environment impacts our mental health and relationships. I was talking with my dear friend more this past week about moving back to California, and how people in Cali just seem to have more energy to connect with others and do things. Portland seems to go into hibernation from about late October until about April. The change in energy around this town the past couple of months is palpably different- more charged, more exciting, more fresh. Dating sites seem to be more active, friendships can actually continue in person, relationships in general seem more possible.

And this finicky weather, on the heels of of the winter hibernation, seems to go hand-in-hand with finicky romantic connections. It’s as if the variable weather has a direct impact on people’s interests in others, and their energy to invest in new relationships. (I am, too, affected by said variable weather in this way it seems).

I feel a breeze, and it feels flirtatious. The sun peeks out for a few minutes, blows some kisses, and then quickly darts back out of sight, leaving us all wanting more. The lovers in this town are the same, especially at this time of year: sensual and flirty, ephemeral and nebulous.

I’m excited for the hot-baked sun of summer, the lovely romance and depth of commitment it inspires. I can count on the sun, so you can count on me to be there, with arms wide open.

I’m 5 Again

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Going through counseling for body dysmorphic disorder is, recently, making me feel like I am 5 years old again. Perhaps because my BDD is mild-medium severe, the treatment isn’t super intensive. The “homework” I’ve done has certainly exacerbated my symptoms at times, but a lot of what my counselor has assigned me to do looks like your basic self esteem work (with some specific behavior abatement and exposure work, too).

For instance, some of my recent homework has been to:

-Make a list of things I like about myself, and put that list in the bathroom at home and on my desk at work.

IMG_20140520_145228_394-Objectively describe body parts, starting first with those that I am mostly satisfied with and working up to describing those that I am less or not at all satisfied with.

My counselor has encouraged me to recruit J into my homework (ask him what he likes about you!). I’ve been encouraged to strip more, to dance naked at Sesso more and wear less clothing- all of which are counter intuitive, but the counter intuitiveness is what exposure therapy is all about. “You’re weight matters a whole lot less than you think,” she keeps telling me. “People do not notice as much as you think.” I’m still not totally sure, but I’m trying to repeat those lines as my new mantra (it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter). Reading my positive qualities list is having a positive effect, I think: when I zone out at work, I’m at least reading positive self talk, instead of focusing on my stomach which feels too fat or what food I should or shouldn’t eat later in the day.

I’m working on my self confidence, which is something I had long dismissed as the work for a little kid- shouldn’t I have learned all of this already in life? And if I should have, I probably did, right? So I don’t need to work on it now? What I am realizing, is that self confidence takes maintenance, and needs to be built into my self care. Making clear associations between how I take care of myself and my other self care activities is important, too (feeling good that I go to counseling as a way to do personal work, feeling good doing the work that I do as a form of helping others, feeling good getting a hair cut as a way to take care of my hair, etc.). Maybe some people do just “have self confidence,” but I am finding out that I need to consciously work on feeling confident and happy with myself.

What things do you like about yourself?

Feeling Like a Fraud

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This post has been brewing subconsciously and consciously for quite some time, so here goes.

I love talking about relationship diversity- it’s something I am really passionate about. I love talking with other people who are new to ethical nonmonogamy about “it all”: jealousy, cultural influences and norms, family of origin influences, compersion, boundaries and rules, communication skills, personality differences, identities, preferences, kinks, porn, feminism, and more. I could do it for hours and hours. I feel like I am supporting and contributing to an important cause, something that is changing our society for the better, and I feel proud to be part of the wave. I obviously love writing about ethically nonmonogamous/polyamorous relationships and all of their triumphs and pitfalls.

What I don’t love recently (the past six to twelve months) is another feeling that has come alongside all of the pleasant ones: that I am a fake.

I should specify: I don’t feel like an “ethical nonmonogamous fake.” J and I have had sexy fun times throughout this past year, and they’ve all been swell, as far as I can remember. Friends with benefits relationships and fuck buddy relationships are satisfying and fun and largely void of yucky emotions for me.

I feel like a “poly fake.” Though, calling myself a “poly fake” isn’t quite right, because I feel like I am capable of holding another relationship of depth and intensity and caring, and giving that relationship the time and energy and love it needs. And although not pertinent to my fakeness or not, J is obviously capable of supporting me in that.

What I question is my ability to ever be “good enough” at poly so that J can also truly experience having another relationship. I know how I felt and acted three years ago and two years ago and a year ago, and while my understanding of myself and my triggers and emotions has deepened significantly, I don’t know if I have had enough practice for getting skills under my belt to where I can actually sit with gross feelings and not bother J with them so much that he can actually function in another relationship.

I don’t know how he feels about this, truly. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and completely agree. I don’t know if he’ll read this, and remember past events differently than me.

I have said numerous times that I have made a commitment to him and to our relationship, and with that comes a commitment toward working through gross things in part so that I grow as a person and in part so that he has the relationship he wants and deserves. I come back to that commitment often, and I worry about whether it’s good enough.

Am I enough? With my shortcomings and past mistakes and past hurts? Is my striving toward independence and separation in our relationship enough?

I brought up this struggle in my women’s group recently. The response I received from most of the women there was a “levels” approach: have you taken things slowly enough? Have you asked for specific boundaries and worked up to more challenging situations? You’ll make it to the next level eventually!

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I appreciated my one dear friend’s response: maybe there are no “levels.” We’re not playing a “poly video game” in which you have to “win” each level in order to proceed. Maybe there is no hierarchy of “poly”ness. There’s just you, and your comfort levels, and your path.

I weigh those different approaches in myself, and I know that for me it’s both: I like to proceed slowly, to know that I get to have a say in how my comfort levels are tried and tested, to know that my partner(s) will respect my discomforts and work with me to grow. I also know that as of yet, I am not some expansive blossoming flower of pure flowing love, able to completely and freely give up a relationship if it needs to go away. I know myself, and I know my sticky spots; I have lots of them. I also know I am afraid of having my fears go away completely: what would that life look like and feel like?

My counselor today, after talking to me about how my body image disorder is exacerbated by being around more naked people as a result of our open relationship, asked me how I deal with anxiety when J is dating other people. And she asked me, rhetorically, if it was healthy to do something that causes me so much anxiety. Immediately I withdrew from her, because the question reeked of poly-misunderstanding and phobia. Good grief! I am here to face anxiety related to my body! How can I not use a similar approach for to my relationships?? So that was not super helpful.

I guess this post is just my continuous self-reflection: my comfort levels change slowly, and that’s okay. I’m trying to focus on relaxing, working on my self-confidence and letting go of personal insecurities, and being grateful for how life changes. I don’t need to feel like a fraud, but I guess welcoming those feelings will help me move through them.

Healthy Break Ups

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I helped with Portland’s first Healthy Break Up Summit yesterday, a summit based off the Boston event. There weren’t a ton of youth that showed up, but it went well nonetheless. The point of the event is to give space to talking about not only what a healthy relationship looks like but what a healthy break up looks like as well- there are a lot of resources out there around how to have a healthy relationship, but the truth is, most relationships end. So how can we give young people the skills and resources they need so they can have a healthy break up, instead of one characterized by abuse, isolation, bullying, or other unhealthy dynamics? It makes a lot of sense to me that providing young people with these skills would go a long way toward preventing abusive or violent relationships. Caveat of course: A healthy break up is probably not possible if you have been in an abusive relationship. Abuse is never the survivor’s fault, and survivor’s have the right to as much distance and privacy as they need to stay safe.

I helped with a high school workshop on how to use and not use social media during a break up: what are healthy and unhealthy practices? I was shocked by the number of students who said it was okay to log into an ex’s social media profile (whether for snooping, posting embarrassing/hurtful comments, etc.). And then when my co-facilitator asked how many thought it is okay to share password information for social media profiles with current dating partners, almost all of them said that OF COURSE you do! Because if you don’t share that information, your dating partner will assume that you are cheating on them, and vice versa. (Yikes!!! I was crumbling inside.)

Later, co-facilitating a workshop on healthy relationships for middle school youth (which happened to be just two middle school girls, sisters), I was sort of blown away by their nonchalant discussion surrounding how many people at their school have sex. I am so curious: are there that many students in their middle school actually having sex? Or is it all talk?

And after that, during the wrap-up and raffle, one of those girls shared with the whole audience that what she learned from our workshop was that “having a healthy relationship means being faithful”- reminding me that people, and youth, hear what they want and need to hear. Yes, we did have a more complicated discussion about what “faithful” means- it can mean different things to different people, what does it mean to you?, do you think that your definition is everyone’s definition?, etc. I tried not to feel embarrassed (not that “being faithful” isn’t healthy- it definitely is healthy to honor promises and commitments. I guess I have an aversion to that word). She learned what she learned, and hopefully we reinforced some healthy relationship ideas.

The whole afternoon and evening brought me back to my middle school and high school days. And how atrocious I was in the dating arena. I was crazy jealous, sobbed and threw tantrums over break ups, gossiped when I was pissed at a partner, and tried to make ex partners jealous. I cuddled up to J last night and apologized for the vestiges of my past dating experience and said how grateful I am that we have grown together. He’s pretty much the best.

Messages I Wish Young People Today Could Grow Up With & Live By

(AKA Things I Wish I Learned & Understood When I Was 13)

-Jealousy is a feeling, just like your other feelings. And it’s your feeling. Own it, manage it, and cope with it, but don’t turn it into an excuse for hurtful or abusive behavior.

-Love is truly infinite. If romantic love leaves a healthy dating relationship, universal love remains. Treat your ex partner graciously and with kindness.

-When you talk about “relationships,” remember to tend all of your relationships: with friends, family, teachers, spiritual leaders and community, dating partners, the earth, language, music, movement, food, and of course, YOURSELF.

-Find balance in your life. Balance all of your relationships, including your dating relationships, with work, school, spiritual life, and relaxation.

-Don’t be afraid to love fearlessly. Know that sometimes love hurts, but that it’s okay to hurt sometimes. All things pass and change. The hurt will pass, too.

-Welcome your sexuality. Experiment. Practice safer sex. Talk about sex with dating partners. And friends. Get consent, give consent. Identify safe adults in your life you can confide in and ask questions of. You’ll know when you’re ready to be sexual with other people. Know how your body works. Sex can go with love, but not always. It always should go with consent and a mutual “yes.”

-It is possible to love multiple people at the same time. Welcome that love into your life if it feels right for you.

What would you add to this list?

happy birthday

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Today is my birthday!! 26 years young/old, beautiful, brave, and strong.

Last night I celebrated with a 2 1/2 hour long massage and a super hot threesome. What better way?? For reals- it was truly the best.

It’s a low key birthday this year, and that is just fine with me. It reflects how I’ve been feeling- a little more introverted and quiet. I’m resting. Things are changing at deep levels, and it’s a slow and sometimes painful process. I’ve set an intention for my year: that my internal emotional world is changing for the better. That I will start to feel, think, and act more loving toward myself and those around me. That the value of universal love will consume my being and my relationships with others. That fear and competitiveness and anger will fall to the sidelines of my experience. I feel confident and hopeful that the steps I’ve begun to take have already begun to take me to where I want to go.

Hopefully tonight J and I will watch the newest episode of Game of Thrones, and then we’re seeing some best friends tomorrow for dinner. We’re painting on Saturday and then having a formal birthday dinner together. It all sounds lovely and peaceful. I’m so grateful to be where I am and to have all of the support around me that I do, and a place to call home and a partner that I love and loves me too.