Hump Day Links

What If We Admitted to Children That Sex Is Primarily About Pleasure? (Sorry the ending is so cheesy everyone)

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

This Is What The Female Orgasm Really Feels Like

To give you an idea of the lack of sex-positivity of the community I grew up in: Bikini coffee shop agrees to change drink names

She’s not ugly in my opinion, and her body is amazing. Inspiring me to practice my head and handstands: 10+ Reasons I Love My Ugly Body

And this gem that was posted in my Open FB group:

equalitypickup

What Does it Mean to Be Monogamous?

I was reading my friend’s recent blog post (Question: Can being monogamish help you be monogamous?) and it inspired this post. Thanks Lo! :)

I think it is worth taking some power away from language at times, and in the case of “monogamy” and “monogamous,” it’s time to share the power. Why does the word hold so much weight and meaning and emotion? That’s obviously a long conversation that gets into religion, patriarchy, purity, virginity, etc. But why does it still have to hold that kind of weight?

We were talking with some friends recently about whether choosing to have a nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship is actually devolving from monogamy- whether somehow we might be giving up an evolved aspiration to be monogamous. My response to that train of thought is generally: humans are rarely “monogamous,” and over the course of time that humans have been around, I don’t think our species has ever been largely monogamous. And yet the word remains and gets thrown around with so much importance.

In order to take away some of its power, I think it would be helpful to talk about monogamy in different ways. Here are some different definitions that I have read, heard of, thought of. Some of these overlap/mean the same thing:

-Monogamous: one sexual partner for life

-Socially monogamous: a couple presents as sexually/romantically/emotionally monogamous to their larger community but in practice has other partners, rules, boundaries, etc.

-Emotionally monogamous: a couple retains certain boundaries around their emotional and romantic connection, but leaves the door open for other sexual partners/encounters

-Sexually monogamous: a couple retains sexual exclusivity, although they may have leeway for developing deep emotional relationships with other people

-Serial monogamy: one sexual/romantic partner at a time

-Monogamish: a couple behaves monogamously most of the time, with exceptions given for certain behaviors/events (a once-a-year threesome, traveling out of town one night stand, etc.)

The interesting thing to me about the term “monogamish” (coined by Dan Savage) is that it offers the privileges of monogamy to couples and helps couples retain couple privilege while also allowing them to explore the expansiveness of nonmonogamy, albeit with many limitations. I don’t know how I feel about that privilege piece, from a macro perspective. It gives me a similar feeling as those who are bisexual and choose not to come out because, since they are partnered to someone of the opposite gender, don’t have to. To essentially practice nonmonogamy and yet retain the privileges of a monogamously presenting couple is troubling- when will we all realize how many of us don’t fit into the mainstream ideal of a lifelong Disney relationship? And when will nonmonogamy become more mainstream? Perhaps “monogamish” relationships are part of how nonmonogamy will enter the mainstream, though- maybe it’s just what the nonmonogamous community needs to become more respected and recognized. What do you think?

In terms of the question that my friend received on her blog- what do you think? Can practicing “a little” nonmonogamy help you stay monogamous? Is that even possible? Can you really consider yourself monogamous if you aren’t really practicing monogamy? I think this is where the term “social monogamy” is helpful, although I don’t really know :)

3 Years of Openness

J and I have been together over 7 1/2 years and now open/poly for 3 years today! I love that April Fools is our open anniversary. :D

I feel like we nurture two overlapping relationships. One is the relationship we have had since we met in college. I hold dear the history we have together, the knowledge we have of each other’s ins and outs and highs and lows, the presence we have in one another’s families and daily lives. The other relationship is this dynamic poly relationship that is growing and changing and will forever continue to do so. We have had that relationship for less time than the other and so I know we will continue to experience growth and setbacks and more growth. These two relationships intermingle and give each other support: our monogamous beginnings give me both a sense of stability and motivation for moving away from monogamy, and our open/poly relationship gives me excitement and introspection and fire.

Phoenix

Happy Anniversary, Lover Boy

and Happy Love, however it comes to you, my dear reader

Normaling

This post has been percolating in my mind for a few days, and I’m just getting around to writing it.

J and I have been normaling: ripping up carpets and painting and going to Home Depot have been, largely, exciting and fun. Because of all of the changes in our lives in the past six months, we have also been much more sexually monogamous of late (and I say “much more” because the frequency of extra-dyadic sex for us has gone way down in the past few months, but not down to zero). We’re still nonmonogamous at heart (J still checks the Craigslist ads and I still fantasize about others) but I also know that for me, my desire for others goes way down when I haven’t gotten my fill of J.

It’s been hard lately. He’s commuting two hours each day during the week and is understandably totally exhausted. And I’ve been in the pit of body image horror. Put exhaustion and emotional wreckage together and I think it makes sense that sex is difficult to attain.

But back to the normaling thing. I just love this scene from 30 Rock- leave it to Jenna and Paul to kinkify “normal” (vanilla, straight) relationship-y things. I feel like they’re on to something.

What do you think? Are you able to find the sexy and pleasurable and connecting parts of everyday vanilla life? Can you maintain some separateness and mystery in the midst of totally-togethering activities?

Smoldering

My heart dropped to my stomach, and the butterflies started.

“Hi!”

I am accustomed to saying hi to people when I am standing naked or half-naked in my club. But all of a sudden I was completely aware of every inch of my nakedness.

“Hi” he smiled. He looked the same as before, but even better.

All of a sudden my Saturday became infinitely more interesting and appealing and exciting. My insides went haywire, my nervous energy went through the roof, my desires electrifying me. As the only customer I had ever had that I would see outside of the club romantically, my usual calm was replaced by smoldering heat.

We sat down at the bar.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It was true. Last July was the last time, and we both knew it. The summer heat and the chemistry between us had culminated in an erotic time in the private dance room. I had given him free dances because I wanted to be there longer. I mostly sat on his lap, grabbing onto his hair, staying close. It was extremely hot. And then he had left, almost fled, really. And I didn’t see him again, and didn’t know if I ever would again. Until today.

We chatted. I filled him in on my school and work adventures, and then he said:

“I had to reign myself in after that last time I was here. I actually had a girlfriend then and still do… I was afraid that it would have gone further if I didn’t keep myself from coming back in to see you.”

I nodded, unsurprised, unphased. Many people who come in are partnered, and it’s just part of the business. People often want a pseudo girlfriend or to find a fantasy. I fill the role as I please, knowing that the club is as far it goes.

He, however, was afraid that I would be offended that he hadn’t told me the truth. I wasn’t, which he found to be a gracious offering.

My nervous energy continued to ebb and flow, and I found a piece of me totally deflated. Sad. Hungry for the connection that couldn’t be satisfied. Was he coming in as a test to himself? To see if he could leave after one beer? Or two? Or three? During my third set of the time he was there, he finally moved from the bar to the table closest to the stage. When I got off, he said:

“Well it’s confirmed. I can’t resist you. I have to make the executive decision to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave right now.”

My bumbling, fumbling, horribly awkward self was barely able to make coherent conversation while he had been there, and all of a sudden I found myself with even fewer words to hold onto. It was like trying to pick up a bar of soap in the shower, or taking off a wet swimsuit. Horrible and aggravating.

He left after a hug and I didn’t even get a way to stay in touch with him. No number, no last name, nothing.

I had asked earlier, “Will I ever see you again?”

To which he replied: “I don’t know.”

Smoldering-Remains-48x48

Christopher Ryan TED Talk

I love Sex at Dawn- many of you know if we are friends or if you’ve followed this blog since the beginning that the book is what kick started J and I into exploring nonmonogamy. There are those out there who find the book and arguments within it preposterous or outlandish or unsubstantiated. And the truth is- you can argue just about anything, especially when it gets into prehistorical human behaviors. But the overarching argument Ryan and Jetha make (that humans are evolutionarily and naturally promiscuous and that monogamy is a social construct) still holds for us, and the evidence that they bring together provides a really strong foundation for their argument. I still recommend that book highly to anyone who asks about it.

Here is Ryan on TED; it’s a solid video worth watching, and would be a great introduction for people who haven’t yet read the book and a nice recount for those of us who have read it.

Equality & Sex

J sent me this article, and I’ve seen it posted in other places as well; it’s worth a read: “Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?”

It’s an interesting proposition, and seemingly substantiated by well-known researchers in the areas of marriage, sexuality, and attraction: relationships marked by sameness and a high degree of intimacy are also marked by less heat. Thus, they tend to be marked by less sex.

The question that I still have after reading this article, though, is: Even if equality between two partners is correlated with less sex in the relationship, shouldn’t we be looking at other factors that lead to less sex?

My fear with this article, is that it will lead readers to say “equality causes less sex” (the correlation versus causation problem), rather than diving into the other factors that mark modern long-term relationships: sameness, intimacy, and an expectation that a partner meets 100% of our needs and vice versa. These factors seem to be the real erotic/passion “killers,” not equality.

Perhaps it is not men engaging in “feminine” housework that leads to a decrease in how much sex they have with their female partners, but the structure of the relationship which requires each partner to do everything for one another, as opposed to relying on other people in their social network. Modern LTRs are founded on the idea that one person will complete you and fulfill all of your needs, desires, and wants- they will be your best friend, motivator, spiritual coach, workout buddy, financial advisor, mechanic, and a sexual ATM (and perhaps a co-parent or business partner and more). Putting that kind of pressure on yourself and your partner is destined to kill some erotic energy- talk about stress and stretching your attention and focus, not to mention gluing yourselves together. Space seems invaluable in retaining the individuality and separateness necessary in order to still want one another.

The closing quote from Esther Perel is pertinent to this:

““It’s the first time in history we are trying this experiment of a sexuality that’s rooted in equality and that lasts for decades,” Esther Perel said. “It’s a tall order for one person to be your partner in Management Inc., your best friend and passionate lover. There’s a certain part of you that with this partner will not be fulfilled. You deal with that loss. It’s a paradox to be lived with, not solved.””

Except I would say that we can at least brainstorm around this paradox. I think ethical nonmonogamy does quite a bit to transform this paradox of LTRs into more of a continuum, in which you can choose a structure that matches the pros and cons you want out of a relationship: how much intimacy and closeness and eroticism and heat do I want in my relationship, and how am I going to go about getting those things? Will we live together? Have separate bedrooms? Share details about every minute of our days? Invite other people into our bedroom? Date other people? Travel and vacation separately?

What do you think?

This is another piece worth reading: “No Sex, Please, We’re on Medicare” Don’t fall into ageist baloney about older people not needing, desiring, or deserving sex, and heed one of the last lines: “Sexual health is part of health.” No, duh.

Lust & Marriage

I had the privilege of witnessing this fabulous production, “Lust & Marriage.” A good friend recommended I attend, and I am so glad that I did. I would even go back next weekend to see it again.

I felt like this woman practically wrote my story (minus Burning Man and taking ecstasy and other drugs). She pulled out so many recognizable names and concepts, so many familiar emotions and experiences. (Dan Savage, Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, The Giving Tree)

I was sitting there, front row, and in the first 20 minutes, I thought:

If only I had this play to watch when I was in high school.

What lessons I would have gained when I was younger, what connections I would have made, what connections would have become less entrenched.

We need metaphors and art and expression like this. We need it desperately. It’s one thing for me to sit here on my couch and blog about how I feel and think and what I want and need. Verbal processing only gets me so far. I also need to the non-verbal: the drawing, the dancing, and the watching. Watching someone else tell a story in such a beautiful and genuine way. It almost made me cry on the way home.

Go see it, and if you can’t, stay on the lookout for future productions!

Sexuality Critical Genogram

A major tool used in my counseling program is the genogram, which is basically a family tree. It is typically used during the first few sessions to diagram a client’s family (which could be an individual, couple, or family) back at least three generations. The point is to help clients see intergenerational patterns. They’re pretty cool.

In class this week, we talked about the critical genogram, which is a genogram that also depicts a client’s particular social location (related to gender, sexual orientation, class, race, ability, age, religion, etc.) and how larger systems (like patriarchy, racism, etc.),  have influenced the client’s experience of their social location and presenting problems.

So I decided to draw one depicting my perception of how larger systems of patriarchy, monogamy, and religion have influenced my experience of my relational orientation, gender identity, and sexual orientation. The main messages I have received from those larger systems include “Women are possessions, property, need to be owned, controlled, and contained,” “Sexuality is sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad,” and “Female sexuality is especially sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad.” While I have largely cut myself off from those larger systems, I am still influenced by them because of my relationships with my family, larger community, and the messages I receive from media. I experience relatively integrated relationships with my relational and sexual orientations (I feel really comfortable identifying as queer and having an open/poly relationship), but my relationship with my gender identity (woman) feels more complicated. Because I can’t completely separate stripping from patriarchy, my identity as a woman and my enjoyment and participation in the strip club culture feels complicated and richly complex.

I am excited thinking about constructing genograms with my future clients, especially sexuality genograms, which involves questions about sexual history, familial messages about sex and love, and experiences in current romantic relationships. I’m also really excited thinking about creating a way to construct and use a genogram for poly folks and families.

Here is my sexuality critical genogram :) I’m the pink circle.

Screen shot 2013-11-21 at 9.22.47 PM