Category Archives: Polyamory

Hump Day Links

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What If We Admitted to Children That Sex Is Primarily About Pleasure? (Sorry the ending is so cheesy everyone)

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

This Is What The Female Orgasm Really Feels Like

To give you an idea of the lack of sex-positivity of the community I grew up in: Bikini coffee shop agrees to change drink names

She’s not ugly in my opinion, and her body is amazing. Inspiring me to practice my head and handstands: 10+ Reasons I Love My Ugly Body

And this gem that was posted in my Open FB group:

equalitypickup

Polyamory Interview

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Polyamory Research Flyer

I recently did an interview with Aubrey and it was really fun! If you fit her criteria (live in Portland, 18-29 years old, identify as nonmonogamous or polyamorous) definitely consider participating. She is especially needing some men-identified folks. It’s a confidential interview- while you print and sign the informed consent with your real name, you get to choose a fake name to use for the interview and the two are not connected.

The questions were comprehensive: demographics, sexual/gender/relationship identity, and community identification. I even got to draw my very own polycule and talk about the significant relationship dynamics that I have experienced. It was really gratifying to contribute to the body of ethically nonmonogamous/polyamorous knowledge and satisfying to talk about my experiences.

Thanks for including me Aubrey! Can’t wait to read your final product :)

More Speed Dating

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I went to another speed dating event for queer women. I almost didn’t because of body image anxiety. I was also disappointed when I found out that a particular person of interest wouldn’t be there (the person I met there last time who I felt such a connection to), and that they aren’t making new connections right now. But I went, largely because my counselor gave me such strong encouragement to. Knowing that I would have two close friends there also propelled me to go.

I went with little to no expectations for the evening. I thought I’d leave after a couple of hours so I could get ready for my day at work and talk to J before he went to bed. I thought I would just hang out quietly and observe and leave.

Instead, while I did observe quietly, I talked a little bit more this time to new folks. It started off a little slow again, and there was a long meditation and grounding exercise which again left me feeling a little antsy (I just wanted to be in my own bubble and do my own thing and talk to those that I felt drawn to), although it did seem to set up the space in a loving and connected way. We were encouraged to pick out pieces of fabric to symbolize our situations: Colorful for curious about and open to connecting with women. Coral for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking to play with women.’ Salmon for ‘I have a boyfriend and am looking for a girlfriend.’ Red for ‘I am looking for a woman lover/partner/beloved.’ Blue for ‘I am gender fluid.’ I took both the salmon and red and tied them around my wrist. There was a lot of salmon-colored fabric floating around the room although everything was represented.

I even did the eye-gazing activity: we were asked to sit quietly and just look into someone’s eyes for one minute and then again with a new person, for about six or seven people total. That kind of activity is incredibly difficult for me to do. I feel uncomfortable and deeply vulnerable and intimate, and that is a hard place for me to be in with people I have just met. The activity made my rawness feel even more raw, and when my good friend was talking to me afterwards I told her about my recent BDD epiphany and she hugged me and it put me over the edge. I started to cry. What is happening to me?? Why can’t I control this? But my friend just hugged me and we went into another room and she “snuggled the crap out of me” as she so lovingly put it until I felt better and ready to join the group again. I felt myself opening up from a very deep place, and I think I am starting to understand what so many of the women there have expressed- that being with and around women is a very healing experience.

Now the group was playing Jenga- we had spent the first chunk of time writing truths and dares on each side of a Jenga block. It was quite fun, and there was actually a really good variety of truths and dares (not like the last sexy Jenga I participated in, in which, unknowingly and inadvertently, a bunch of us suggested giving and receiving lap dances. It was like a lap dance party! Ha. Still super fun, but just not a lot of variety in things to do.).

What is your favorite fantasy? Where do you like to be touched? Pick someone to give you a massage. Close your eyes and let the group pick someone to give you an anonymous kiss. Hug someone for 30 seconds. Describe you first kiss. When did you know you were attracted to women? What kind of underwear are you wearing? Pick someone to spank you. Describe your best orgasm.

My first truth was something like: Describe your fullest and most empowering you.

“How do I answer that?” I wondered aloud. No one really knew. “Well, the first thing that popped into my head was the fact that I feel really strong and in the ‘flow’ when I dance. I’m a stripper in my off-time, and I just absolutely love it.” I felt totally comfortable disclosing it and felt grounded doing so. I don’t even really know what people’s reactions were to it, and I didn’t care at all.

I later gave another friend a shoulder rub while I described my first kiss.

A little later I ended up sitting next to a woman I had had my eye on. She has large beautiful eyes and a pretty smile and a loud laugh- lots of things I adore. She was also putting out a lot of “curious” energy, like she wanted to sample everyone and everything. We started to hold hands and cuddle, and later started making out.

A song by The Weeknd came on (I can’t remember which), and one of my friends immediately looks at me and says “Oh! You dance to this! That’s one of my favorite memories.” Someone turned it up and some people started dancing. It’s such a sexy song. My new friend and I made out more, and then stood up.

“Do you like peanuts? Are you allergic?”

I was confused. Is this a set-up for a joke?

“No,” I smiled. “I love peanut butter.”

Her face lit up. “What about coconut?”

“Oh! I absolutely love coconut. Everywhere, everything.”

She smiled more. “Okay, okay! Come with me.”

She led me to a couch after grabbing her purse and a spoon from the kitchen. She’s got coconut peanut butter. How adorable.

She pulled out a jar of exactly that. “This stuff is amazing. It’s from Hawaii.” She scooped a little out and fed it to me. It was the most delicious peanut butter I have ever tasted. It melted in my mouth. I fed her some and we kissed some more. She got a couple of strawberries for us and we continued kissing.

We started talking and sharing our open and queer stories and selves. She was lovely and sweet and we exchanged numbers. I don’t expect it to go anywhere, but it may. All I know is that if I had left when I planned on leaving, I would have not been able to explore the chemistry between us. I felt both exhausted and wired when I got home at 12:30am, three hours later than I thought I would be home. It took my a while to calm down and I know I will be processing the experience for a little while.

I thank my counselor and her firm encouragement, and my two friends who were so encouraging and supportive and loving and unconditionally there for me last night. I thank J for deeply knowing me and appreciating me and encouraging me to go and have fun. I thank myself, too, for putting myself out there and staying through the discomfort and anxiety.

Kundalini-Serpent-Power

3 Years of Openness

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J and I have been together over 7 1/2 years and now open/poly for 3 years today! I love that April Fools is our open anniversary. :D

I feel like we nurture two overlapping relationships. One is the relationship we have had since we met in college. I hold dear the history we have together, the knowledge we have of each other’s ins and outs and highs and lows, the presence we have in one another’s families and daily lives. The other relationship is this dynamic poly relationship that is growing and changing and will forever continue to do so. We have had that relationship for less time than the other and so I know we will continue to experience growth and setbacks and more growth. These two relationships intermingle and give each other support: our monogamous beginnings give me both a sense of stability and motivation for moving away from monogamy, and our open/poly relationship gives me excitement and introspection and fire.

Phoenix

Happy Anniversary, Lover Boy

and Happy Love, however it comes to you, my dear reader

Coming Out as a Drama Llama

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This is one of my all-time favorite clips from the Office.

Probably because I am Andy. I’m coming out folks. And this time, as a Drama Llama.dont-feed-the-drama-llama

I’ve never wanted to come out as a Drama Llama, probably because having a penchant for drama is abhorred within the open and poly community. How many posts have I seen by other bloggers about not being dramatic, or ads by couples who refer to themselves and their ideal match as “drama-free”? Countless. And who wants to be marginalized within their marginalized community for not being the “perfect poly person”? Not me!

I looked up the definition of “drama.” In addition to the definitions regarding the type of literature and plays, the third definition on Merriam Webster says:

3a :  a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces

In addition, the origin of the word is:

Late Latin dramat-, drama, from Greek, deed, drama, from dran to do, act

I was intrigued by the fact that “from dran, to do, act” is a root of the word. It is helping me to reflect on how I behave when I am caught up in something dramatic in my life: Am I processing my emotions in a mindful way? Am I acting out a script? Am I simply going into automatic drive, falling back on my go-to emotions of aggressiveness and defensiveness without thinking through the situation? How can I remember not to “act” but to rather inquire genuinely and gently into my feelings, and demonstrate them in a more calm and even-handed way?

All that being said, I have also been thinking about why “drama” is given such a bad rap (especially by those in the open community). Emotions can run high. So what? People get angry, say things they don’t mean, apologize, get upset, seek reassurance, cry. “Drama” can be authentic, and not necessarily “acting.” I don’t know that there is anything inherently wrong with engaging with drama, as long as I am conscious of the process and system I am in. I think drama becomes a soul-sucking force when people drive each other to the bottom and don’t help each other back up- when it becomes  a game, rather than a real way of interacting and knowing. And, it seems that “drama” runs counter to the image that a lot of open/poly folks try to embody and display: that we are people that have our emotional worlds completely figured out and can thus operate our intimate relationships in a completely clean and easy way.

[I love it when things go smoothly, when emotions and needs are discussed calmly, when my social world feels easy and mellow. I really do love that. It feels mature and connecting and loving, all without the high-octane feelings I remember as a teenager trying to assert my place within my social and romantic world.]

Like J told me last night: “Maybe you should write on a piece of paper: ‘I like drama.’ That way, it’ll remind you to stop and think when you are getting into some, and help you decide whether you want to be involved.”

I think it’s a good suggestion :)

Who else is a drama llama? Who can’t stand drama? Why? Is drama a necessarily “bad” thing, or something to look at with disgust? Can it be a healthy part of our relationships?

Three Ways To Get Into the Lifestyle

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My most recent post for DatingAdvice went live today. My editor asked me to write a post “for men” on how to to get into the lifestyle. It reminded me of the question I received a while back from a single man wondering how the same thing; that post is also worth checking out.

Here is the first part; please go read the rest if you are so inclined! :)

“I have had men ask me before about getting into “the lifestyle,” which to me denotes ethical non-monogamy.

The lifestyle is often the phrase used by swingers to talk about the swinging lifestyle, but I’ll expand the use of it here.

How can they get into it without seeming like an uncaring dude? How do they broach the subject with a current partner? How do they find like-minded people?

1. Know yourself.

Get to know your reasons and motivations for exploring non-monogamy. Be brutally honest with yourself.

The only way you will be able to engage in ethical non-monogamy is if you are able to articulate your reasons to yourself and any partners you have. Don’t be embarrassed or scared to admit to yourself what you really want and why.

Do you want to explore particular kinks or fetishes? Do you simply want sexual variety? Do you fall in love easily and want the freedom to love multiple people?

Write down some of the pros and cons you see in having your ideal relationship structure and let it percolate. This is a process, and your desires, needs and wants will change and can change often.

As long as you are able to be honest with yourself, you have taken the first step in communicating what you want to others and making it happen.”

Jealousy Workbook

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I received Kathy Labriola’s newest book in the mail, and I am so excited to crack it open! I’ll post a more full review once I’ve read it through, but wanted to put in a quick plug now. Kathy is a wonderful counselor, and I can’t say enough good things about her other book, Love in Abundance. This book, The Jealousy Workbook, looks chock full of exercises and techniques for understanding your jealousy, your partner’s jealousy, and for managing and circumventing it. She also brings in techniques practiced by other big names in open relationships. I’m excited to dive in, and encourage you all to check it out as well!

xo

Poly Ideas in “Ecotopia”

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I was assigned to read a novel for a class next semester (assuming I am still in school). The class is called Introduction to Ecopsychology, the book Ecotopia. The book itself is a little dorky, the writing okay, some presentations of gender and race off (it was written in 1975), but the ideas inherent in the story are thought-provoking (that an ecologically sound country would totally revolutionize school, the work week would be 20 hours, women run the government, cars are left behind in favor of bikes and high speed rail, etc.).

I loved reading the following passages, too, that hint at values within ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory and a societal structure of relationship that echoes how I could see relationships operating if polyamory were the norm instead of the rule:

“…It turns out she [Marissa, the main character's newfound lover in Ecotopia] has a regular lover in the camp. But has somehow arranged it so she can be with me during my stay. Lover is blond, shy, blushes a lot about other things but doesn’t seem at all jealous about his woman having made love with me. Evidently there are other women he can console himself with! Wasn’t sure till nightfall who would sleep with whom. But she came to the little cabin I’m assigned to, quite unanxious about the whole situation.

…It’s as if the whole American psychodrama of mutual suspicion between the sexes, demands and counterdemands and our desperate working at sex like a problem to be solved, has left my head. Everything comes from our feelings…” (p. 58-9).

and

“I don’t see, when I look at Ecotopian love relationships, or marriages, that awful sense of constriction that we felt, the impact of a rigid sterotyped set of expectations- that this was the way we were going to relate to each other forever, that we had to, in order to somehow survive in a hostile universe. Ecotopians’ marriages shade off more gradually into extended family connections, into friendships with both sexes. Individuals don’t perhaps stand out as sharply as we do; they don’t present themselves as problems or gifts to each other, more as companions. Nobody is was essential (or as expendable) here as with us. It is all fearfully complex and dense to me, yet I can see that it’s the density that sustains them- there are always good solid alternatives to any relationship, however intense. Thus they don’t have our terrible agonizing worries when a relationship is rocky. This saddens me somehow- it seems terribly unromantic. It’s their usual goddamned realism: they are taking care of themselves, of each other. Yet I can see too that it’s that very realism that allows them to be silly and irresponsible sometimes, because they know they can afford it; mistakes are never irreparable, they are never going to be cast out alone, no matter what they do… And perhaps this even makes marriages last better- they have lower expectations than we do, in some ways. A marriage is a less central fact of a person’s life, and therefore it is not so crucial that it be altogether satisfying (as if anything or anybody was ever altogether satisfying.) …” (p 117-8).

Cheers!