Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme

My next blog post went live on MultipleMatch: Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme.

I loved writing this one. Check it out! :D

Here’s an excerpt:

I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me, pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.

Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy, although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be great. David Ley’s Insatiable Wives offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.

A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her.

I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having condom-free sex with other men.

New Favorite Toys

J and I recently welcomed two new additions to our sex toy box:

My first nipple clamps (Bound to Please Plier Nipple Clamps from Good Vibes)


My first collar (Clover Rhinestone Black Leather Collar from Good Vibes)

[We enjoy supporting our local sex toy shops, but an amazing friend gave us a gift card to Good Vibes for our wedding, so we had to take advantage of that!!]

Both additions are extraordinarily hot!

My nipples are typically really sensitive, and while I enjoy my tits squeezed super hard, I shy away from any kind of sensation on my nipples. So I surprised myself in suggesting we get some nipple clamps. These clamps are great though, because you can choose a very low amount of pressure. I enjoyed them for just an extra amount of pressure and sensation, and I totally loved how they looked and felt against my stomach.

My collar is amazing. It is *just* what we were looking for: sparkly, sexy, submissive. It totally adds to the D/s component of our sex life when we want to play with that.

On my wish list:

A flogger.

When J and I were at the Velvet Rope’s grand reopening party a while back, I got flogged by a drag queen (that was awesome- I blogged about it here). Ever since, I have been wanting to buy a flogger, but gosh darn, they can be so expensive!! This one at SheBop looks like a possible option :)

Any new favorite sex toys of yours?

HUMP! 2013

My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! :D

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):

hump lineup 2013

My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren't aware (from Wikipedia):

"The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished."

Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that ;)

Repost: Marty Klein and "Sex Addiction"

I have a big academic crush on Marty Klein. I think his writing is clear and informative, although at times inflammatory (which I like).

I also appreciate his stance on “sex addiction” See his two most recent blog posts on it:

Are These Symptoms of Sex Addiction? No.
If It Isn’t Sex Addiction, How Do You Treat It?

Definitely go take the Sexuality Addiction Screening Test: it’s a hoot if you use pornography or erotica, go to sex clubs, engage in casual sex, have BDSM as part of your erotic life, or engage in exhibitionism or voyeurism. It’s also funny because it assumes that the people around you hold the same beliefs and values that you do around sexuality; thus, other people’s value systems are the basis for how you score.

Although I haven’t read a bunch about “sex addiction,” from what I know about addiction in general and from the information I have read from Marty Klein, I would tend to agree with him. It is interesting to me, though, that even sex positive organizations that serve the LGBTQ community in Portland offer space for sex addiction support groups  to meet. Clearly, there are folks who believe sex addiction is a real thing. In fact, I then came across the website for Portland’s Sex Addicts Anonymous group; according to their criteria for what may be part of sex addiction, feeling asexual could be a component of sex addiction. What?!

Klein offers many other ways for folks to be treated for their compulsive or obsessive sexual behaviors, and his list makes sense to me. I especially love the last paragraph of his second post:

“Finally, let’s not forget that some “symptoms” of sex addiction don’t need treatment at all. They need a better understanding of the broad range of human sexuality, a bit of tolerance, and a culture that’s far less suspicious of eroticism. And a willingness for couples to confront their actual relationship (and for people to confront their actual desires), rather than taking the easy way out and demonizing sex.”

What are your thoughts on sex addiction? Have you ever felt addicted to sex? Do you know someone who feels they are addicted to sex?

Cuckold Reads

I was contacted by an editor asking if I would like to review a couple of new cuckold books coming out in the next couple of months. Although I am slammed with school, how can I pass on something like that?! I hope to be able to read them by the end of December and post my reviews of them. (It’s funny: J is not even interested because cuckolding stories totally turn him off. They don’t turn me on, but I am sure I will at least be entertained by them!)

Here are the cover descriptions:

The Education of a Cuckold ($12.95/5×8 Trade Paperback, $4.95/eBook; 182 pages, ISBN: 978-1-60381-544-4)
Jason is a smart, handsome high school kid, but when he falls hard for Beth, he just can’t drum up enough confidence to bring their close friendship to the next level. Meanwhile he has to watch her date other guys. At the end of the summer before college, Jason finally discovers Beth’s secret: she is sexually voracious. He also makes an uncomfortable discovery about himself: he is too poorly endowed to ever satisfy a woman like Beth. But wait … watching her make it with other men is no small turn-on. College brings more brutal lessons in humility, and Jason despairs of finding his place in the sexual universe. Then, as he begins his adult life, he meets Kristen and for the first time begins to take his extracurricular studies in submission seriously. Under Kristen’s cruel and compassionate tutelage, he learns exactly what it means to embrace his true cuckold nature.

Southern Belle Cuckold ($12.95/5×8 Trade Paperback, $4.95/eBook, 176 pages, ISBN: 978-1-60381-491-1)
When divorcé Michael meets divorcée Catherine at the gym, he’s convinced that she’s the perfect southern girl whose family will blend harmoniously with his. But Cat is not what she seems, not a tame little southern lamb, cultivated and gently reared to stroke his ego. No, she is a wild rose of Texas, a vixen who will stop at nothing to get satisfaction, even if it means jumping the chauffeur in their wedding limo. And that’s only the beginning. After all, Michael is a loving dad and a good provider, but as far as God’s gifts go, his package isn’t quite what it should be. Catherine needs more, a lot more, and he’d better come to terms with that … or else.

D/S, Porn Theater, & A Gay Male Strip Club

You know the scene in Aladdin where Jasmine is shackled and does everything Jafar commands? That scene has turned me on since I was a kid. I never understood it, and as I grew up, I pushed the scene out of my head, because surely, any intelligent feminist with a head screwed on properly would not get turned on by nonconsensual submission. Well, thank goodness for Yes Means Yes (remember this post of mine?) and for being able to take a step out of the “this kind of sex is right and that kind is wrong” box. 

Well, J and I have been exploring our D/S relationship more and more in the past few weeks. That includes J being pretty rough with me during sex and telling me what to do. He holds my neck, we have experimented with choking (not to the point where I can’t actually breathe), forces my head down, slaps my face, spanks me, pulls my hair, and tells me how he wants to use my body. I love it. I enter this space where I feel totally free. I don’t decide anything and I feel so submissive. My brain just lets go. I give all of my power over to J and it feels so connecting and freeing. I don’t know if I can explain it any better. I know that J has had to work at being in a dominant space (he has explained that it doesn’t come to him naturally), but the more we experiment, the more it seems like he lets himself be a dominant to me. He tells me what a good girl I am and uses deliciously derogatory language.

The other night we J got totally into the dominant space and played with me and got me all worked up. I have never been so flushed in the face. He ordered me to get ready to go out and that I would have to do everything he told me to while we were out; it would end once I got him off when we were back home. I was in heaven.

We decided to check out a porn theater. We had never been before, and it was as seedy as everyone has told us it is. It made us appreciate the rules that prevail at our swingers’ club, not to mention the cleanliness and attention to detail. In my submissive space though, I almost let my exhibitionist side win out; J really wanted me to masturbate on the bed in the front of the theater. But then we both looked at each other, too grossed out from how much of a “jack shack” it was, and decided to leave. Better luck elsewhere.

Luckily for us, we happened by a gay male strip club that I had been dying to go to for ages. We went in and I loved it. You know how many female strippers are pretty hot? Well, many male strippers are pretty damn hot, too. And, it was so much fun to see J get hit on! And I loved how welcoming the space was. I saw straight couples and lesbian couples, and tons and tons of gay couples. It was so different compared to the heteronormative feeling of female strip clubs. It was also more like a night club, and I really enjoyed how social it felt.

That night, after getting J off and being released from the my submissive state, I had some crazy dreams. I was captured and held hostage, forced to do things I can’t remember, chained against my will. I have never really had conscious nonconsensual fantasies before, but maybe they are there, deep in my psyche. There’s always more to look forward to ;-)

When New Desires Emerge

At the recommendation by a friend a while ago, J and I took this interactive sex questionnaire. At the time we didn’t have a whole lot that took us by surprise. We are usually pretty honest about desires and fantasies that come up.

Well last night we took it again. And there were a couple of new things!! I imagine this questionnaire would be fun to take together every six months or so to find out if new desires have emerged for someone and hadn’t yet been verbalized.

The most surprising one (to both of us) is that we both desired me (K) to be slapped during sex. Slapped on the face. SLAPPED! Haha! We both kind of looked at each other, and were like, Yeah! That could be hot!

Well during a raunch session last night I was wrestling a little with J, holding his arms back while I rode him. He whispered excitedly to me, I want to slap you! I said Do it! He forcefully sat up, and slapped me. It was a rush!! I told him to do it again, and he did. The anticipation, the physical sting, and the rush of endorphins afterward was awesome! 

You never know when a new exciting thing will be discovered. I am not sure how far this physical pain thing will extend for me (I already knew I like really hard spanks and I like my boobs squeezed pretty hard), but so far it’s all been really positive! I like it as part of my healthy sexual diet. I don’t want to be slapped every time we have sex or spanked every time for that matter. But as part of our explorations and taking part in the full spectrum of sexual experience, it’s pretty great!

Pegging, Cock Sheaths, and Filming Oh MY!

J and I had quite the adventurous weekend… full of:

Yes, pegging. I cannot even explain the amount of mental stimulation this gives me. We warmed J’s ass up with some fingering and his prostate massagers. And then I put on my red cherry leather harness (hot!), and wait for it… my Avator cock. O. M. G. I slid it in to his ass slowly. I loved doing it with him on his back so I could watch his face. And I loved doing it while he was on his stomach so I could lay on him and pound away. It was incredible. He barely needed any extra stimulation to come. I gave him a barely-there hand massage while he was on his back and my Avatar cock slid in and out. It was hooottttt. Because my blue dildo is also double-ended and comes equipped with a vibrator, I had a great time in the physical sensation department as well. I really enjoyed not only making him come in another way (by stimulating his ass and prostate) but also  the power play dynamic. Feeling like I was the penetrator and he was the penetratee was awesome.

Cock Sheaths.
This is our new favorite toy, I think. Also known as penis extenders, they are more heavily marketed to gay men. So if you want to find a high quality one, look on gay sex toy sites. The idea is to add girth and length. Again: O. M. G. Using one requires the same kind of warm up that ass play requires. I need my pussy stretched out with fingering and dildo play. I need lots and lots and lots of lube. But once J + his cock sheath is in me, I frickin’ love it. I love it. One drawback is that my vulva and lips get pretty sore if we’re not careful with keeping enough lube on. J bought one initially off of Amazon. It is rubber and goes on sort of like a harness. He liked it because it inadvertently warmed up his ass by rubbing his ass with the strap. We went to a sex toy store and made an upgrade. This one is silicone and slips onto his cock like an extra thick condom. It feels better for both of us. Our best experience with it was when I slid myself onto his cock in doggy style, and once it was all the way in, J pounded me until he came. And then he pulled out and I came sooo much with my Hitachi. Whew.

And more camera work.
We filmed J using his cock sheath on me, and it was really hot to watch. Unfortunately, it is just barely the wrong angle; I can’t see his cock moving in and out of me. BUT! We are going to do it again! (Of course!) Also- we are definitely going to film a pegging session. We are now looking for someone willing to come film us so that we can have all of the best angles documented…

Oh. My. GOD. :D

Yes Means Yes: Female Submission Fantasies

I am currently reading Yes Means Yes, and my favorite chapter (and probably most relevant to this blog) is the chapter on female submission fantasies. I actually thumbed to this chapter when I first picked the book up from the library, and I have been excited to write the post on it since.

The title of the chapter said it all to me the first time I read it: “The Fantasy of ‘Non-Consent’: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t).”

The title captures so many of the feelings I have had since realizing that I love being submissive during sexual encounters. I can definitely be an equal part to sexual decision-making, and can definitely be assertive and enjoy being so, but there is nothing quite like being told what to do or being handled in a way that capitalizes on my submissive side. However, I have felt since realizing all of this that this part of me scares me. What does this mean for how I identify as a feminist? Does this mean I have bought into a culture that says woman are supposed to be submissive and men are supposed to be dominant? Have I internalized a deep sense of sexism, which now turns me on? The last part of the chapter title made me relieved: I shouldn’t be scared of my own desires and fantasies, and I don’t have to be. Thank god.

The central idea of this chapter is similar to Dan Savage’s idea of “suspending disbelief.” I am not really giving up all of my power during a sexual encounter, and I am not really “not consenting” to an encounter. It is more about buying into a fantasy for a short period of time so that I can live out that fantasy in a safe and consensual way. 

Stacey May Fowles (author of the chapter) discusses how, in the BDSM community, a “non-consensual” scene has parameters set before the scene is acted out: there are clear boundaries and rules, each person has a role to play, and safe words are set. In this way, a “non-consensual” scene is quite the opposite, and person acting in a submissive role (the one “giving up” all of his/her power) is actually the one holding the power during the scene. 

Fowles argues that mainstream porn, as part of a larger rape culture, is partly responsible for the belief among many feminists that the image of a female submissive is horrible: you simply cannot be a feminist and believe that rape is wrong while also believing that female submissiveness can be a consensual part of female sexuality. 

I think that if we critically think about our fantasies, accept the fact that our fantasies are influenced the families, schools, religious institutions, and cultures that raised us, and can plan thoughtful fantasies that include clear boundaries and roles for those involved, then those fantasies can be healthy parts of our sexual experience. Which is good news for me, since being submissive is such a turn on for me and a huge part of many of my fantasies. Not only that, but I can still call myself a feminist! :-)

Sexual Violence & Rape Culture

I was recently hired as an intern for a small nonprofit working on sexual violence prevention. I am really excited to work with them on their awareness campaigns, fundraising, curriculum development, and starting a local chapter. Being hired has given me pause to reflect on sexual violence and how it relates to my experience negotiating and navigating our open relationship.
I grew up with very clear ideas about sexuality from my mom. Because she (and her siblings) was molested for a number of years by her stepfather, she had a very clear message to send to me and my sister about sex: it should always be consensual and caring. Consensual sex was the only kind to have; if I didn’t want to have sex for any reason, then I shouldn’t have it. I should never feel pressured for any reason to have sex. Interestingly, I found out last weekend that my mom and dad did not have premarital sex. They dated for two years before getting married, and while my mom would sleep over at my dad’s apartment, she always slept on the couch. When my dad first told me this, I thought he was lying because he was embarrassed to be talking to his daughter about sex; well, he wasn’t. My mom’s traumatic childhood forced her to vet her future partner for as long and as best she could before allowing her body to be open to someone else again.
My experiences with sex, thankfully, have never been on the negative end of the spectrum. I have always had consensual and caring sex, and it has always been a clear choice for me to have sex or not (an exception to this is if I count my first anal sex experience as non-consensual, which I do some days). Opening up our relationship was easy in the sense that I have had only positive experiences with sex; I have never worried about my psychological or physical safety or health when getting naked and inviting someone to touch me and sharing my body and self with someone else. My positive sexual past has allowed me to explore other positive sexual experiences. Unlike my mom and others close to me, I have not had to do the difficult and painful work of confronting a non-consensual sexual past or experience to move forward in order to have positive experiences. This recognition is partly why I am so determined to help re-shape our culture around patriarchy and sexual violence.
Critically thinking about my fantasy for multiple men-single woman encounters (which I refuse to call a “gang bang” for much longer- it reminds me too much of gang bang rape; thus, my insistence for people to call it something else!! Goddess Worship works!) through this lens of sexual violence is so interesting. I am just so curious about where this fantasy came from. Is it our rape culture? (Rape culture refers to our cultural acceptance and tolerance for violence-physical, emotional, psychological- against women, sexual objectification of women, etc.) Or is it more related to my growing awareness of my sexual role as a sub? I definitely would not like or want a goddess worship experience where there was violence or disrespect involved. My attraction to the goddess worship experience seems to be from being a major sub, and just wanting to get a bunch of guys off in the same night. I get totally turned on thinking about giving all of the power in that situation to J (however, this is in the vein of the “suspending disbelief” that Dan Savage talks about- I know I could still totally stop anything I didn’t like. But suspending belief for an encounter, and playing into the power play, definitely turns me on). But I wonder how media messages around men being dominant and women being submissive, and the cultural acceptance of that traditional relationship between men and women, have affected me. I am also curious about how porn and erotica have influenced my perception of this fantasy.
I got quite an extensive reading list from my supervisor, and I am excited to read through some new books, and report on related ideas. Some of the titles are: Yes Means Yes, The Purity Myth (this is the one I am most excited about!), and Transforming a Rape Culture.