Politics of Respectability

About the politics of respectability, and how having an education and other successes in life clouds our other, more taboo, experiences, despite their worthiness and depth in our lives:

The Erasure of Maya Angelou’s Sex Work History

Or, how the politics of respectability makes our collective experiences look crazy, strange, or shameful:

Stripper with a PhD

The politics of respectability are those that I have tried countless times to discuss on here in relation to my own struggle as both a lover of school and education and desire to work in the mainstream, and a lover of the strip club stage. How can I be both? Perhaps I am neither? Am I a feminist? Or not? Perhaps both? Am I a slut? How complex can I be and still be accepted? How complex can I be and still love myself? Can I respect myself and be everything that I am? Will others respect be despite, and hopefully because of, everything I am?

Thank you Maya

I love this Maya Angelou poem. I especially love the line about diamonds, as it reminds me of my bedazzled g-string I wear at the club. And, I deeply love the strength, resilience, and power she describes. May we all rise despite adversity, showing ourselves and others what true strength looks like.

Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

 

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

 

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I’ll rise.

 

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

 

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don’t you take it awful hard

‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

 

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

 

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I’ve got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

 

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

 

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Hump Day Links

What If We Admitted to Children That Sex Is Primarily About Pleasure? (Sorry the ending is so cheesy everyone)

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

This Is What The Female Orgasm Really Feels Like

To give you an idea of the lack of sex-positivity of the community I grew up in: Bikini coffee shop agrees to change drink names

She’s not ugly in my opinion, and her body is amazing. Inspiring me to practice my head and handstands: 10+ Reasons I Love My Ugly Body

And this gem that was posted in my Open FB group:

equalitypickup

Recent Reads & Views

I hafta throw it out there (with everyone and their mother) that the strangers making out video is outrageously delightful. I also love that there are two same-sex pairs in the mix. Watching the transformation from awkward to blissed and happy is awesome. (Thanks Jezebel for womping down the mood- it is an ad for clothes. Oh well.)

Feminism is having a wardrobe malfunction: I want the whole damn pie, thank you very much!

Hot Sex…with 35 People: practice safer sex folks! Get tested, use barriers, talk to you partners :) Also, how cool are these commercials? Sexy, arty- a lot like Xart, no?

The Duke student and porn star pieces. This woman is fucking fantastic. All the power and love to her. Slut-shaming and patriarchy and sex work-negative culture has barraged her, and while that sucks, I am also so proud of this person for finding the courage to speak publicly about her experiences.

-I’m The Duke University Freshman Porn Star And For The First Time I’m Telling The Story In My Words

-I’m Finally Revealing My Name and Face As the Duke Porn Star

I am also making my way through my first book on BDD (Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder)- it’s like a whole huge part of myself is articulated and written down. I’ve been reading it, feeling hopeful and then depressed and then relieved and then more depressed. But overall, it’s been so helpful to know that what I’ve been dealing with for the majority of my life is a thing that I haven’t been making up.

Anything good on your phone/tablet/computer/nightstand recently?

Sex Workers, the Internet, & Stigma

Last night I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Emily Kennedy, a sociology PhD student studying the role of the Internet in shaping the ways in which we view sex work and sex workers. It was a fantastic experience- one of the highlights was when I started talking about my experience with withdrawing from my counseling program and she jumped in her seat: “That’s you?! I saw that post on Tumblr!! I can’t believe you’re part of my interview sample!” She was so excited, and I loved that she had seen the HoP post. We talked about how Internet use has helped me attract customers, how I have communicated with regulars, how I got started stripping and why, who I have disclosed my experiences to and why, if I have had any negative experiences with school or law enforcement or other people in my life, and whether I think there has been a shift in general attitude toward sex work in the past 10-20 years. It was really fun to talk about all of that with a sociology student who herself has direct experience with sex work and also has a deep curiosity for how sex work is viewed and treated culturally in our country.

My interview came after an interesting afternoon at work, something I am still somewhat processing. I met with a coworker to discuss planning a financial planning workshop for sex workers in the area, and after about 20 minutes of me offering a lot of information without much clarity of source, she asked me:

So… how did you get involved in this work?

I stumbled for a minute, and probably looked a bit uncomfortable. Ummm…

You don’t have to tell me at all! It’s okay.

No, I’ve been struggling with this. And so I guess I’ll just tell you, and you (as I nodded to the coworker who I share an office with). I’ve actually been a stripper, so that’s how I got really interested in sex workers rights and advocacy.

Well that is so cool! You have a lot of insight then and probably a better ability to reach this population. What an asset. How great!

After I told my two coworkers I started doubting myself- was that a smart decision? Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut? What is wrong with me? So many people don’t talk about their personal lives at work- why do I have this compulsive need to be out everywhere?

I remember Louisa Leontiades telling me in a Skype chat once:

It’s addicting to be yourself.

It’s so true. Once you have felt what it’s like to be yourself, totally and completely, without shame and without regard for what others think, it’s hard to go back. It’s hard to stuff pieces of yourself away, for fear of retaliation or judgement.

I had a longer conversation with my officemate after the other person left, and she understood completely my need for discretion and to continue to feel out the culture of our program and the attitude of other coworkers. I trust her and I don’t worry about her telling anyone or gossiping about it. Then later, I emailed my other coworker and thanked her for her understanding and respect and discretion. And she replied with more kindness and a confirmation that she adheres to the Vegas rule- whatever was said in our office, stays in our office.

I need to trust my intuition about people- my coworkers felt like safe and supportive people to disclose to, and they are. While I have largely had good experiences coming out as a stripper, I also have enough experience from my school snafu to know that not everyone sees my stripping experience as an empowering, rich, and positive perspective. So taking it slow in my new work environment in disclosing feels like a good path to take. I am also feeling more “all here,” which is freeing and grounding at the same time.

One of the last questions that Emily asked me last night was: You’re only 25, but how do you think general attitudes toward sex work has changed in the past 20 years?

To which I replied:

Well, I was only 5 20 years ago, but I know from the time I was in high school to now, I personally have undergone a massive shift in how I view sex work. I used to have my mom’s attitude toward sex work- that it is objectifying, degrading, and hurts all women and people. I carried that through college, and it wasn’t until my partner and I opened up that I had a catalyst to unpack my views surrounding sexuality and sex work. I have noticed that a lot of other women in my age cohort have gone through similar transformations with how they view sexuality and sex work, although they have had different catalysts than me. It gives me hope!

She laughed and agreed.

In the Closet Again

I am so excited that I have been able to stay involved in the local Sex Worker Outreach Coalition as part of my work. It gives me something to stay motivated about when I am sitting at a desk for eight hours a day, perusing Facebook and Pinterest (aka doing Nothing).

Last night, though, I re-experienced a familiar and uncomfortable feeling: being back in the closet.

A woman from the place I volunteered all of last year, who helps with the coalition, and another person on the coalition both know about my dancing experience. But I am not out to my new employer, supervisor, or coworkers. And I don’t have any plans for coming out, although I would prefer to be out. I am not concerned that my colleagues would out me (they are sensitive and informed about the stigmatization of sex workers). In fact, if I could be out at the coalition and not out at my home work base, I would be. What got me last night was the fact that there are a couple of dancers who are working with the coalition, and one was at the meeting last night. I felt so weird sitting there, knowing that she and I share an experience (and she knows I dance as well) and yet feeling totally stifled. And I felt envious as she is an out sex worker doing community organizing and activism.

This also rubbed up against a bunch of class stuff: is it because I am middle class and educated that people would have a hard time with my simultaneous “professional” employment and stripping work? If I came from a lower class background and didn’t have higher education would people “understand” my experience differently and perhaps accept my experience stripping more readily? I think it’s that victim-blaming/sex negative/sex work negative/patriarchal/madonna-whore sentiment of “Well you have other options! Why on earth would you strip?!” that I assume would come up. (And yet I know many other college educated strippers who have various other jobs… Maybe this question causes me so much anxiety because I don’t have a pretty, wrapped-up answer for people that would actually satisfy the question.)

I left the meeting feeling like I was going to cry. I couldn’t place the sadness I felt until I realized that by taking this 9-5 job that I was putting pieces of myself away for 40 hours a week. It’s not something I have had to do (except for around family- which has been it’s own big struggle as you all know). And it’s especially difficult given I have a lot of insider knowledge to offer and yet cannot back it up with how I have it (I had a conversation with my coworker and supervisor today talking all about strippers and clubs and other kinds of sex workers and continued to offer details about those experiences, and they kept looking at me like “Wow, how do you know all that?”)

There are definite pros to keeping myself in the closet. I don’t need to worry about the organization I work for retaliating against me based on any “professionalism” clause in their handbook. I don’t need to worry about stigma from my coworkers or supervisor, and won’t need to scrutinize interactions for discrimination or exclusion. I won’t need to think about my stripping experience interfering with future employers or recommendations.

But the cons weighed on me last night, and while they are not paining me as much right now, I think I’ll be dealing with them all more than I initially thought.

200551877-002

Social Work & Dancing

On Dan Savage’s most recent episode (Episode 375; we listen to his Magnum version) he took a call from a social worker who was considering dancing as a way to have a bit more money. She asked for his advice regarding whether she should dance or not, given the risk of running into clients or their families, and also regarding whether this would impact her future dating opportunities. I thought his advice was pretty spot-on: he recommended not dancing if she wanted to remain risk-free from running into clients and from impacting her dating chances (although I am glad he threw in the caveat that he would want to weed out asshole men who care about a woman’s past or current stripping experience). I decided to email him about my experience and offer some other ideas.

I think if the caller danced in a different area of town or a different town completely from where she performs social work, she could dance. She could also wear a wig and take on a persona very different than her social work persona. All of that would help lower the risk of running into current or former clients (and/or their families). Also, she should read her code of ethics (probably the NASW code of ethics) and maybe even consult a lawyer who specializes in health providers and ethics codes. It’s definitely not risk-free to be a sex worker and health provider simultaneously, but there are ways to mitigate the risk and be a professional and competent provider.

stripper-secrets-300x264

There is also a blog written by a woman who does both dance and provide therapy; y’all should check it out: www.striptherapy.wordpress.com

I also wanted to pass along this article that this wonderful writer posted; she is a social work student (*disclosure- she references my blog in her post): Against Role Models

Puzzle Pieces

I, with the help from J, my sister, her girlfriend, and my mom, finished three 1,000 piece puzzles and one 500 piece puzzle in the past 3 1/2 weeks.

This was BY FAR the hardest puzzle we did; it got finished, amazingly, today:

starry_night_puzzle

I think the puzzling helped me put all of the school stress on my mental back burner. I was waiting for my own puzzle of life stuff to come into focus. And I finally made my decision.

I withdrew from my program. I think it will make the same kind of statement to the faculty as staying and trying to fight them. This saves me money, time, and stress. It forced me to sort through my values and prioritize the ones that truly matter. It allows me to look into social service jobs and apply for social work programs, if I want to still forge ahead with goals of becoming a therapist (which, as of now, I definitely do; being a therapist for the sex positive community is still a huge priority and life goal of mine).

The past three weeks (is that all it’s been?!) has been incredibly stressful and draining. I feel like I need another break! I feel so grateful for all of the social support I have around me, and hopeful that by following my heart and values I will arrive at each moment that I need.

PS: For those enneagram nerds out there:

The following tidbit has been helpful for me in the past few weeks:

“As a Two, you most need to incorporate the healthy Levels of Eight to recognize your own strength and to fully claim your presence in the world.”

I’m doing it baby, I’m doing it.

Social (In)justice: Who Says?

During the course of talking to my advisor yesterday (who, thankfully, is totally on my side), I was informed that not only are the other faculty members outraged at the ethical violations inherent in being a stripper while also training to become a therapist, they are outraged at how being a stripper contributes to further injustice in the world.

Apparently, stripping supports The Patriarchy, contributes to the objectification and violence against women, and supports trafficking of girls.

Holy $h!t.

Like I discussed earlier about patriarchy and stripping, I think this world is full of “both/and,” and far less of “either/or.” I will not disagree that by participating in stripping I am supporting the “male gaze.” I also think there is more to my story of stripping.

What matters, to me, is the personal intention, awareness, and small-scale action that takes place within oppressive structures.

What about my classmates who work at Target, an anti-LGBTQ company? Or classmates who are all about the bling (one, in fact, owns more than 500 pairs of shoes) and thus pay more attention to their material acquisitions than the fact that their consumerism and materialism contributes to the oppression of the poor? What about classmates who smoke and contribute to second-hand and third-hand smoke? Or, heaven forbid, what about my classmates who go to strip clubs as patrons?

This is about sex and it’s about sex work.

Like another student said to me yesterday: It’s pretty terrible how many times faculty in our program force others to sacrifice personal justice in the name of “social justice.”

Who gets to decide how an individual contributes to social justice or injustice? Especially over something so gray as the work that one does to support oneself?

The professor I met with said: It’s not about the exotic dancing.

But it is. There’s no way around that one.