Breaking Silence

…hello?

I keep paying for my domain name. I love my blog. I love this pile of online writing as a testament to the growth and change I have gone through in the last six years. I can’t let it go.

I think about blogging often. Things are different now and I got out of the blogging habit. But I love writing and sharing, so here I am.

Things I have been grappling with:

The ebb and flow of long term relationships. What happens to sex in long term relationships? What’s normal and what’s not? What happens when all of a sudden you and your long term partner want different things in an aspect of your shared lives (like, moving to a different place)? Is it possible to make yourself want something even if all signs say that you don’t want that thing?

How does one truly balance and honor a long term relationship and partner with a new relationship and partner, especially when those people have different needs around information sharing and disclosure? How do I speak up about what I want and need, especially when those wants and needs are in conflict with my partners’ wants and needs? How do I balance my truth with easing a new partner into the poly world?

How do I find answers for myself around past trauma? Am I the only one that gets to define its meaning and impact? How do my partners influence my experience of triggers and flooding? How do I continue to move with my past trauma, and find new directions past it?

How long will I keep dancing? What does stripping mean to me? What does it do for me? Does it need to do anything for me besides provide me with some income?

Don’t all of these questions sound familiar? I’m pretty sure I have asked all of them on this blog in the past several years. Much of the context and content has changed, but many questions remain constant.

Present happiness has come from:

Continuing to find joy in my relationship with J, and enjoying his presence and my partnership with him.

Finding inspiration and passion in a new relationship.

Deepening friendships with other important people in my life.

Teaching human sexuality, and continuing to absolutely love it.

Providing brief therapy to students, and absolutely loving that, too.

My life continues to be fed by constant questioning and curiosity. I continue to be surrounded by love and warmth, and I feel especially grateful for that given the political hell hole our world is in.

Peace be with you all.

birth day

writing last week was intense.

I went to counseling. J and I had sex. I talked with a few close people about my initial realizations. I coped so I could get through my work week. I took some time off.

I felt off on my birthday but not so off I couldn’t enjoy it. We soaked in a hot tub, went out for fancy dinner, and then to our club. It was good, solid.

Saturday night, though, dang. It’s like my body and soul come alive when I dance naked. What is that? I’m in love with the world, even as I feel shitty. It’s just like none of it matters. And even better, I got to share myself in that space with so many of my best people. That felt like my birthday. That night has carried me through the first part of the week. Also strawberry cake is yummy and also makes a difference.

As has the fact that spring makes people come alive, and so I am now talking with a handful of new ladies online and have a couple of dates set up. And a crush of mine saw me dance on Saturday and I just love a good crush. Even as I am coping with thinking about rape, I feel enlivened and whole, energetic and happy.

Thanks for all of the positive vibes. I felt them last week.

peace

Happy NEW Year

Long time, no talk friends! I didn’t bring anything with me to do on the bus, so I figured I should use the opportunity to get back on here. (I apologize for any unsightly typos)

Sex sex sex
Love love love
Fullness, growth, challenges

It feels overwhelming for me to recap the past few months, but I’m going to do my best. In no particular order:

Still dancing, still lovin’ it. Worked Xmas eve and the eve of Xmas day. Profitable and crazy. I was in the strip industry mag in November, posing for an ad for my club. Super, super fun!

Biggest news on my mind: Teaching an online section of human sexuality this term. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Winter term started today. I’m pretty terrified… and THRILLED. I have 52 students. Three jobs? Apparently I don’t think that’s an issue? (What’s up with me?) Putting together my syllabus felt like a dream come true.

I/we adopted a second dog. I realized it was largely because I’ve been pretty lonely since J and I work such different schedules. I dont know if the little guy is a good long term fit for us because of his bad separation anxiety, but he’s adorable. We talk about my loneliness. Trying to schedule weekly date times to help with it. And I’m trying to see friends when I can.

Both J and I hopped back on OKC recently. That’s been entertaining, fun, and thought provoking.

Had a threesome with two sweet friends of mine (a lesbian couple). It was a tasty experience!!

There is legislation being pushed forward this term, atrempting to improve the working conditions of strip clubs in Oregon. It’s pretty disappointing (understatement) how little the bill is touching on.

My sex worker support group has taken off more! I’m happy for that.

My full time work has been engaging, largely because I’m in meetings all the  now. School has been fine.

What’s new in your world? I’ll try to better on here in the weeks and months to come 🙂

Xoxo
K

Intimate Relationships Map Updated

So funny that before I published my post on intimate relationships map I caught a few different errors I had made, and since I posted it, there have been a couple other things that I realized I messed up (one I realized, another that was brought to my attention). Clearly, all of this is pretty complicated and a dynamic part of life.

The things I added are in the upper right part of the diagram:

Romantic relationships
Nonsexual romantic relationships
Nonsexual nonromantic intimate friendships

And, obviously any orientation can hook up into these relationships depending on relationship and personal boundaries (dating, solo poly, partnered poly, monogamous-oriented, don’t ask/don’t tell, etc).

I think you can click on the image to make it bigger 🙂


Intimate Relationships Maps

Have you seen this map before?



Here is my reinterpretation, albeit not as pretty 🙂 I don’t particularly like the value judgements in the map above (assuming codependency only happens in monogamous relationships, only depicting empty marriages as monogamous ones- I think any of that can happen regardless of the relationship structure you are in), and I also was a little confused as to why celibacy (which has to do with sexual behavior) was included in the map, when other sexual behaviors were not (kinks, BDSM, etc) (although J did point out that for some who choose celibacy it is about an intimate relationship with themselves or god). I also totally know that my map below is not exhaustive either 🙂


How do you map out intimate relationships?

Cocks & Come

Leaving
Coming
Going
Working
Not Sleeping
Exhausted
Loving
Talking
Crying
Misunderstood, judged, pained, hurt
And then
Catharsis:
in this instance, passivity, submissiveness, pleasure
Lingerie
Tongues, licking, biting, rubbing, stroking, vibrating, and
Coming, coming, coming
Cocks, cocks, cocks
(Six of them, to be exact)
All in the name of pleasure, of adventure, of exploration, of desire, of chemistry, of fantasy, of actualization
Later, lying in bed all I feel is my pussy vibrating with the memory of fingers and tongues and cocks caressing it and pounding it and using it
And all I see in my mind are hard cocks, pulsating

American Savage

I’ve already mentioned my love and appreciation for Dan Savage’s newest book, American Savage, in this post of mine about Pride month and this one about cheating and ethics. I finished it this evening, and really enjoyed it.

From his essays on coming out and monogamy and cheating to those on the Affordable Care Act and gun violence, I think he put many of my own liberal sentiments on paper (which was quite gratifying to read). Although sometimes he is rant-y, he is generally rant-y and I expected to read some rant-iness.

His epilogue describes his experience getting married in Washington after same-sex marriage was approved by the voters this past November. It about made me cry:

“One hundred and forty-four other couples married at Seattle city hall on that rainy Sunday in early December. Five pop-up wedding chapels had been erected in the lobby of the building, and everywhere you looked you saw couples that had been together five, ten, twenty, even forty years exchanging vows in front of family members and friends. It was impossible to be at city hall that day and not be moved.

But for me the most moving moment came after our ceremony. A huge crowd had gathered on the steps outside city hall. All day long a brass band at the bottom of the steps played wedding marches. The names of each newly married couple were announced to the crowd as they exited the building. Each time the crowd burst into applause and cheers, throwing rice and flower petals. People shouted, ‘Congratulations!’

And almost all of the well-wishers gathered outside city hall on that glorious gray Sunday were straight people.” (p279)

While I haven’t read his other books so can’t compare his previous writing with this one, I do know that it was worth my time to read, contemplate, and talk about with other people in my life. Thanks for the book, Dan! And thanks for signing it 🙂

Recent Recommended Reading

How Important Is It To Date Your Intellectual Equal?
Something that J finds particularly intriguing- why is it that intellectual compatibility is not mentioned in so many of the relationship books that we have read? We talk about sexual compatibility, comfort levels, values, etc but rarely or never about the ability to engage mentally with our partner(s) about the topics that stimulate us. Maybe it goes without saying, maybe some people don’t really value an intellectual match, or maybe it’s something else.

10 Reasons Sluts Make Better Friends
Loved this article. I think all of the points are true. It’s unfortunate that slut-shaming is part of our cultural paradigm and therefore enters research as an assumption.

Is Forced Fatherhood Fair?
Another great one. There should be more reproductive health and family planning options for men; they are half of the baby-making process.

Primary/Secondary Model, Couple Privilege, etc.

I love being part of the newly formed Open group on FB- it’s really refreshing to read other people’s perspectives and opinions on poly/open related stuff.

One thing in particular that sparked my interest recently is the idea of couple privilege, and also how the primary/secondary model leaves a lot to be desired (for some).

Here are the articles offered by several friends in the group that sparked such great conversation:

Care and Feeding of Polyamorous Secondary Relationships 

Couple privilege: your thoughts?

Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know

I think I could probably think for days and days about all of this, and I think my ideas around it all will be constantly evolving. But some of my ideas today/right now include:

 

For me, the primary/secondary model that J and I ascribe to is out of a recognition that relationships take a lot of time, energy, nurturing, investment, etc. Neither of us knows if we have enough of all of that to build and maintain more than one primary relationship. A primary relationship for us, too, is about long-term planning: financial entanglements, buying property, tax benefits, taking out loans, whether we wants children together, etc. It’s also about the values that we share that allow us to enter long-term planning (what do we want to spend our money on, how do we want to live day-to-day, what will we prioritize with our time and energy, etc). It is difficult, but not impossible at all, for me to imagine adding a third person into that complex mix. Really, the primary/secondary model seems to be a way of describing our relationship right now; we are both open to the possibility of having another primary if that is what happens.

 

And yet, it has at times dictated coursed of action with other people (so it has entered the prescriptive mode as well), during which times for me, it did act as a buffer for insecurities that I was having. However, I don’t think this is necessarily a “bad” thing, because I don’t think other partners of ours have been treated as expendable. I think for the most part, other partners of ours have also operated from a perspective that they are, too, maintaining a primary relationship and understand the complexities of maintaining a healthy and happy primary relationship while building a new secondary relationship. So when insecurities flare up, there has been understanding and compassion all around.

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being clear with one’s capacity for building and maintaining relationships. I know a few monogamous people who sincerely don’t want to have an open relationship because they just don’t have the drive, time, energy, etc to build and maintain more than one intimate, romantic relationship. Why is it so different when a poly person is honest about their capacity to build and maintain multiple intimate relationships? Right now, I am with a primary partner and a secondary partner. I do not feel like I have the energy to devote to another partner- I would be lying if I said I did. And if I met someone that I really liked, I would have to be honest with myself and them about my limited ability to nurture an intimate relationship with them. If I wasn’t honest, I would do disservice to both of us, as well as to my other partners.

 

I loved the “five things” blog post, because it allowed me to reflect on how I feel as a secondary partner to other people and to enter into my feelings of compassion for those in my life who have been a secondary partner to either me or J. I think it can be a tricky, but still wholly satisfying and loving, relationship to build.

 

Couple privilege is both fascinating and boring to me at the same time. Fascinating in that privilege is a hard thing to confront when you are the one experiencing privilege. Boring in that it’s so obvious. When I read the blog post on couple privilege I noticed a visceral reaction in my body; my stomach tightened up and I felt attacked. So is the reaction to hearing for the first time about a privilege you have. I don’t want to be in an oblivious dominant position. So it can be hard to swallow the first time. My personal solution to this, for now: recognize the privilege I have in being in a long-term coupled relationship, advocate for relationship diversity, educate those who I can about relationship diversity, and maintain equal decision-making within my primary partnership and allow room for our relationship boundaries to change depending on changing needs/desires/wants.

 

Thanks sexy friends for a stimulating discussion!