A dear friend of mine recently introduced me to the word “queerplatonic.” Most simply put, queerplatonic refers to the deep, intimate, emotional connections sans a sexual relationship. It’s more than friendship, and different from a sexual, and sometimes romantic, relationship. The word zucchini is used to describe someone one’s queerplatonic, committed (perhaps life) partner. You can read about its meaning and subtleties at these links:



And, from the fyeah blog:

“Can we stop using “intimate” as a synonym for sexual?

Yes. Please. There are other kinds of intimacy, after all!

  • romantic intimacy
  • physical but non-sexual intimacy (hugging, cuddling, etc.)
  • emotional intimacy
  • intellectual intimacy (where you can freely share your ideas and interests with someone)
  • activity-focused intimacy (where you do fun things together)
  • the trust that develops when you’ve known someone for a long time or been through hardship with them
  • probably some others I forgot”

I love distinguishing between different kinds of things- there are so many layers, even using words that seem so obvious. I’ve talked about that with regards to monogamy before, and the word intimacy is another that deserves investigation and interrogation.

I appreciate the use of the word queer in the word queerplatonic, as it speaks to the process of queering relationships. Let’s just upend everything we know, toss it around, and create something new and beautiful and conscious, shall we?

I’ve tried to think if I have felt “queerplatonic” feelings toward anyone in my life, and I am trying to think very specifically of someone that I have deeply loved in a heart-achey kind of way but didn’t desire sexual closeness with… I haven’t remembered anyone yet. I think I can pretty much say that anyone I have felt deeply connected to I’ve wanted to fuck, minus family. And the love I feel for long time vanilla friends seems like it might be a different feeling. And the human love I have felt deepen when a relationship has changed from a FWB to a non-sexual relationship also seems different. And now I’m thinking: Wait! There’s someone! Yep, that might be it. I could say that relationship is queerplatonic. Interesting.

There are just so many different kinds of connection, it’s hard to really name and describe and classify all of it.

Do you have any zucchinis in your life?

Asexuality & Dan Savage

Dan Savage recently responded to a nosy family member about her brother-in-law’s asexual orientation.

While his advice to BTFO (butt the fuck out) was right on, there were some lines that did not resonate with me. Namely: 

“Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed.”

I would agree with Dan that people with out-of-the-ordinary sexual interests/non-interests should lay those cards out early enough in the relationship that the potential partner can make a more informed relationship decision. This applies to “extreme” kinks (like wanting a 24/7 master-slave relationship or wanting to get pooped on), and I think it can also apply then for someone who has zero interest in sex. Dan’s sentiment that asexuals should not date sexuals is getting into dangerous territory. What about other potential relationships where one partner no longer can have sex, or never could, for physical or health reasons? How is this sentiment any different from saying that kinky people have no business dating non-kinky people? I think the world is too big to make such statements, and also assumes that many people don’t have the thinking power to come up with creative solutions to relationship compatibility issues. Maybe it would be easier if an asexual dated another asexual, just as it might be easier for both people in a relationship if they were both turned on from pooping on each other. But love seems to be bigger than having the same exact sexual, nonsexual, romantic, intimate, emotional desires, and I am willing to bet that there are satisfied and happy asexual/sexual couples out there.

What do you think?

Here are a couple of resources on asexuality:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
Asexuals: Who are They and Why are They Important?