Links, links, links!
Last week was vagina facts, this week it’s time for: Penis facts!
OKCupid has been running experiments on all of us sorry online daters
I’m in love with this website for a documentary made on couples’ relationships; check out the poly/mono clip, cheating clip, best sex clip, and take a look at the activity they provide for couples. I love that they have hetero couples, gay couples, mono couples, poly couples, young and older people, wealthy and poor people: TheAnd
And, totally: This Is What Happens When You Ask A Bunch Of Gay Men To Draw Vaginas
Some research suggests that believing one’s relationship is a journey, and not destiny, make the relationship more resilient to challenges
Let’s redefine our relationships- is monogamy really that common?
And, explaining bisexuality to Larry King
We went to the nude beach together. It was our first time at this beach, it was our first time together. We held hands, soft skin on soft skin. Fingers tracing the inside of wrists, elbows, lower backs.
We are laying next to each other. The sky is crazy blue, the beach rocky, the air softly warm (or warmly soft). You give me a back rub with coconut oil, rubbing my back tenderly and gently. We kiss for the first time, and how long I’ve waited. Your lips are soft and full, your breasts firm, your legs strong. I just want you to wrap yourself around me completely and never let go.
I want so desperately to touch and grab your tits and your ass and feel your pussy, even just for a second. But there are people around, and we are both nervous to do more.
I am massaging your lower abdomen and feel for just a second… your pussy is dripping wet. And I can’t take it. I slide one, then two, fingers inside and your moan in my ear. We keep glancing around- there are other groups on the other side of the brush surrounding our spot. I finger you harder and harder, rub your clit just how you like it. You are trying so hard to stay quiet but you are moaning and sighing louder than before. I finger you in waves depending on if we see anyone coming. It keeps you from coming all at once, although you’d like to. And then you do, and your sigh is ecstasy.
I want you on top of me. I want to feel your pussy on my pussy. I want to see your tits bouncing above me. I want to get on top of you and hold your neck tight and make you come hard.
I want to fuck you on the beach again.
Want a sexy Wednesday pick-me-up?
See photos of exotic dancers from the 1890s here
See this for descriptions (with awesome cartoons!) of different animal mating rituals here
(I don’t know how accurate all the information is, but it’s entertaining and interesting nonetheless!)
If you want something more dense, this article is definitely worth reading: The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists
There are a ton of passages in this article that I liked, but I like this one in particular:
“To their credit, both Rieger and Savin-Williams were thoughtful in their conversations with me about the challenges of studying bisexuality. Savin-Williams, in particular, said he was mostly interested in understanding the “incredible diversity” among bisexuals. He told me about one young man he interviewed whose arousal looked “extraordinarily gay” in the lab. But he was romantically interested in only women. “He falls madly in love with girls all over the place,” Savin-Williams said, “and it’s not because he hates the ‘gay’ part of himself. He just connects romantically and emotionally with women in a way he doesn’t with men. Will that change? Perhaps. But right now he’s not 50-50 interested in men and women — it’s almost like he’s 100 percent and 100 percent, but in two different ways. Most of the time sexual attraction and romantic attraction will overlap, but for some bisexual people, there’s a discrepancy between the two.”
Rieger nodded. “People constantly surprise you,” he said, recalling one young man who announced that he was “50-50 bisexual” but who only showed arousal to women in the lab. “His arousal was like a perfect straight guy,” Rieger told me.
“Sounds like he’s romantically attracted to guys but sexually attracted to women,” Savin-Williams said. “I think there’s a lot more sexual complexity and nuance among men than researchers have assumed for years.””
Any fun links to share with me?
J and I went to one film from the Portland Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, “Breaking Through,” and it was really fabulous. It was about politicians and public figures who are out. There were a number of gay men and lesbians in the film, as well as one transgender and one bisexual. The point of the film, the filmmaker said, was to inspire hope in LGBTQ people of all ages (but mainly youth) that things can be better. It was inspirational and really well done. I found myself tearing up a number of times at the stories and experiences described.
It was an important thing for me to attend because I had just gone through the whole day falling apart (which J can attest to). What am I doing? Do I really want to be a therapist? Is this a workable plan? Can I fully be myself and do this as a job? If it’s not this, what do I want to do?
Attending the screening was like the universe’s way of saying: Breathe. Be Yourself. Do What You Want. That’s basically how the filmmaker introduced the film: to anyone living on the margins of society, live authentically to live a joyous life. I almost started crying (again) right then.
So I really can’t say enough good things about the film, except there’s always something 😛
While I thought every person in the film was well-intentioned with their comments and articulations of their experiences, there was one sentence, that once I heard it, I had difficult truly experiencing the rest of the film.
Kate Brown, Oregon’s Secretary of State and bisexual, was recalling the story of how one constituent asked her about being bisexual and what that meant (something along those lines). In response she said something like, Well I’ll tell you that I am monogamous and that’s more than the rest of the guys [politicians] around here could tell you! It was meant to be funny, and many people in the audience laughed.
A microaggression is a brief and subtle way of indicating hostility toward a group and asserting power and privilege over that group. Microaggressions come in many forms:
Women are just emotional.
You know your life will be hard if you are gay, right?
I can’t believe you speak English so well! [to an ethnic minority]
Or, like what my first therapist told me (several times) in response to hearing about our open relationship: You know he (J) could leave you if he met someone else, right?
Kate Brown, although well-intentioned, committed a microaggression (or maybe she did intend it). I think the most common stereotype of bisexual people is that they “all are nonmonogamous” and I could see her wanting to ward off any further stigma. In fact, when J and I introduced ourselves and J asked her a question about the experience of being out as bi but in a straight marriage, she again reiterated “but I am monogamous.” In person, it felt like information (albeit not relevant to the conversation we were trying to have); in the film, it was an aggression toward people who practice nonmonogamy.
Although I do think her statement was made in the context of highlighting cheating/unethical nonmonogamy, she still asserted monogamy as the moral and social preference over not being monogamous. It was difficult for me, from this point in the film on, to remember the filmmaker’s introduction: that this film, while made for the LGBTQ community, was meant to inspire anyone living on society’s margins to live authentically and out.
J and I are going to write to Kate Brown (of course we are!) and just tell her how her comment impacted us.
It’s time for an update… School has been keeping me too far away from our cute blog, and it’s been driving me nuts!!
J and I have been working through some schtuff, which is another reason why I haven’t posted anything lately… as much as it is helpful for me to process, write, and post what we are doing, I am not of the mind to post completely raw emotions and experiences on here. So it was best to wait until things simmered down. I am also attempting to segment my recent reflections, as it seems easier to write them this way although I think all of these issues are interconnected in different ways.
#1: My bisexuality journey.
I have been wanting a girlfriend. I am still trying to find one. These attempts are complicated by so many factors: physical attraction, emotional connection, other women looking for a similar relationship to the one I have in mind, J’s comfort level, etc. I have met women I like, but who aren’t interested in me in the same way, women who aren’t interested in the kind of relationship I am looking for, and women who are too busy to really invest time into exploring something with me. I have met women that I find attractive, who I feel chemistry with, and those that I don’t feel that instant click with. I am still trying to find the right kind of connection, and I am holding out hope and investing my time and energy into meeting people.
#2: Casual versus intimate sex, and What do we each want?
This is a big one. Both J and I have decided that we can enjoy casual or intimate sexual encounters, as long as there is chemistry. Intimate sex cannot be enjoyed by either of us if there is no chemistry. This seems like a no-brainer, but it has taken some time for both of us to figure out. By “casual” I mean encounters that are primarily about having sex. By “intimate” I mean encounters that also have a level of commitment to building, exploring, and sustaining a larger friendship or relationship. For me, intimate encounters are also those that I experience one-on-one with a person; I have yet to feel comfortable having a “casual” encounter one-on-one with someone. If I had chemistry with someone, I think I could enjoy both casual and intimate encounters. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but there it is.
So, for J right now, intimate sex just sounds way, waaaay better than casual sex. He is seeking relationships that can be built in an intimate way. And I definitely want a more intimate relationship with a girlfriend… and if I have casual encounters, there needs to be great chemistry.
#3: Phone counseling with Kathy Labriola.
Let me just give a tremendously positive review of Kathy Labriola’s counseling skills, even as they are over the phone. She is patient, communicative, asks great questions, and actually has a wealth of experience counseling people in open relationships and is able to draw on her personal experience as well. She is amazing. Simply amazing. And she accepts payment on a self-determined sliding scale!! Really awesome for students like ourselves. Anyone seeking helpful and compassionate advice about their open relationship journey and experiences? Call her!
#4. Jealousies and insecurities.
J and I have been working through some different jealousies and insecurities with regards to our current situation. Mine are related to his need for intimate relationships, and his have been related to personal insecurities. I have been experiencing varying insecurities since we opened up, and while it has been very painful for me at times to process insecurities, it has been just as painful for me to watch J process insecurities. Being on the other side of the process has made me more compassionate to J when I am experiencing insecurities, envy, etc.
I always make fun of J when he writes emails or messages with a numbered list, but this was actually easier for me to write with the numbers, so excuse the formality! 🙂
J and I visited a new dungeon space in town, on a night dedicated to the art of rope and rigging. I was excited to see a new space, and a more kinky space than the swingers club we usually go to. I was impressed by the skill of the riggers there, and was happy to see some of our sexy friends there and meet new one.
Primarily, this post is dedicated to the woman I now lovingly refer to as my “Scissor Sister” (a name she suggested; we were tied up in the scissoring position, which is something that I have been wanting to try with a woman for a while…). Being tied up with you was absolutely amazing. Thank you, thank you. I have never been so deep while tied up myself, but hearing and watching you sink deeper and deeper made my experience that much more enjoyable.
I feel so lucky to live in area where we have an alternative community, where we are able to meet so many deliciously kinky people, and where I can be tied up by two professional doms and riggers, scissoring with a beautiful woman on a Thursday night for $15 per person at the door. Whew.
This other article by Bay Area open relationship and LGBT counselor Kathy Labriola is a great insight into the discovery of one’s bisexual curiosities, desires, motivations, and experiences. I think it is insightful and meaningful, especially considering our current cultural context for female bisexuality. Female bisexuality is fairly encouraged (at least as an “experiment” during college) and somewhat accepted. Her ideas about bisexuality and suggestions moving forward using “bisexual” as an identity and label for oneself have been helpful in my own explorations. Enjoy!