Tag Archives: control

Change is Constant

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My reflection for today is on the constant change we encounter: within ourselves, within relationships with others, with life circumstances. Our bodies are always changing and different. The way we narrate our lives, our past stories, our understanding of the world, our ideas about the future- they are always changing. Here are some quote that I found that most inspired me:

Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life. We tend to forget that we are part of the natural scheme of things. – Pema Chodron

Life is expressed in a perpetual sequence of changes. The birth of the child is the death of the baby, just as the birth of the adolescent is the death of the child. – Arnaud Desjardins

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. – Thich Nhat Hanh

Beach

Patronage & Empowerment

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Two pieces I recommend this week related to sex work:

‘Insatiable’: One Woman’s Love Affair With The Porn Industry

and

Erica’s latest awesome comic on being a good strip club patron

Thursday night I worked (danced) and it was a rough time for me! I was so tired at 12:30am- and still had at least an hour and a half to go. It didn’t help that a group of guys came in who barely gave me any energy or money; it wasn’t enough to go off of and forget that I was as sleepy as I was. And yet, I kept smiling and laughing to myself: I’m so tired, I have to get up in seven hours for my other job, these guys are boring and making me even more tired. Why am I doing this? And the answer kept coming back: because I love this job. I love performing, I love getting naked, I love making awesome money doing it (ha, not from those particular guys, but in general).

One unexpected interaction I had was with a young guy (just turned 21) who moved out here not that long ago from Florida… because his ex stabbed him. He disclosed this only after I told him what I do for my day job. “I guess you could call me a victim of domestic violence,” he said. He cried. “The cops just laughed at me.” It’s not your fault. Thank you for telling me. That’s fucked up. I’m so sorry that happened. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. There are some certain interactions I can count on working in a strip club, and even though I don’t count on interactions like this one, I am thankful I have the ability to navigate them.

2014-07-22stripclub

Nature & Relationships

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J and I are going for a short camping adventure this weekend, and I am scheduling this post to publish while we’re out in the woods…

Going out into the wilderness, where I can be among trees and see mountains and water and wide open sky and stars, is an amazing source of rejuvenation for my soul. It tends to rejuvenate not just my inner sense of stability and calm, but how I interact with others, including J. I notice that after some solid time without technology and work and to-do lists and other people around, I feel grounded and clear.

I also tend to have these thoughts: those trees are so tall and so old, that water continuously flows even when I’m not here. The animals out here- they are totally making it. I am comforted deeply by both the stability and change that wildness offers. That comfort extends into my ability to cope with change in my life. I often meditate on relationship change when I am outside surrounded by trees. If they’ve made it this far in the world amidst all this change, maybe I can too. I can still go out to the trees, no matter what is going on in my life, and they’ll be here.

Do you have any practices that help you cultivate your security, from the outside-in? How do you see that later manifesting from the inside-out?

olallie

Dancing Anew

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I danced at a new place on Thursday night!

I don’t know if it was the extra charm and luck that one experiences at a first night somewhere new, but it was a really fun night. I had several visitors, including J and several sexy and close friends, it was busy much of the night, customers tipped really well, my phone worked all night for playing music, and I did several private dances. I came home with excellent money. I had fun being super awkward on the new stage- well, in honesty, I was really nervous, but by the end of the night I could say I was having more fun than nerves. 🙂 (The stage is super small and the pole spins- I’m used to more space and a stationary pole. So I was twirling a ton and just smiling. Haha. At least my body isn’t super crazy sore today.)

Two interesting things:

One, this place is a no-contact club. I can’t touch any customers. During private dances, I don’t sit, touch, brush up against the customer at all. It’s so strange! It’s weird and cool at the same time that people still want to pay $20 a song for a complete and total tease (especially when they could easily go elsewhere and at least have a dancer sit on their lap). But, cool, whatever! I do wish that dancers could operate under more latitude and decide completely for themselves how much contact to have with a customer. At my regular club, there is some discretion- you can give a no-contact dance or get a little grind-y. Even still, I wish there was somewhere where I could decide between no contact and two-way contact and have the full range be permissible and negotiable.

Two, one of the women I worked with happened to be the bartender that was working when I auditioned… I also happened to run into her during my straight job earlier in the week, while she was working her straight job. It was surreal. I walked into her work, and we both just looked at each other. Hi, we both smiled. I love the secret club. It was great to talk to her more last night and find out that her boss and coworkers all know about her part time job as a dancer and respect that it’s a separate space and life of hers. It’s really encouraging to me to know that other social service agencies, or at least individuals in those agencies, are flexible and open minded.

I’m working there again this next week, and I’m excited to see how it goes. It felt really refreshing to try a new space out and remind myself that I can control where I choose to dance.

Control & Support Groups

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I have been fairly pissed the past couple of weeks, because for some strange unknown reason, the manager at my club just stopped scheduling me. I’ve worked there almost two years! The first week was the week that made me most mad- it was my regular shift I signed up for, and I have a really limited availability since I work during the week. I was frustrated all week about it, and primarily because my manager just did not communicate with me about why I wasn’t scheduled. He just didn’t tell me anything about it. If it was a mistake, that’s fine- tell me. If there’s a reason, that’s fine- tell me. No communication is just immature, unprofessional, and disrespectful. And then this past weekend, I sent in my shift request late and it was for a shift that I never work, so I expected not to be scheduled. Still, when I wasn’t, I was frustrated.

But it finally gave me a kick in the pants to move beyond my comfort zone and go audition at other places. I auditioned at one new place this past week, and it was exhilarating to be in a new space with new people. I’d like to audition at a few other places and ride the energy of exploring new places. I am such a creature of routine that it usually takes me getting pretty upset or frustrated with something before I try to change it. So here’s to some change!

And I realized why it got under my skin so badly. It reminded me of my experience with school this past year, and someone else controlling how and when and where I use my body. My professor told me, in essence, I needed to choose between education and stripping. And the manager at my regular club told me, by not scheduling me, that I was not going to strip at his club. The lack of agency I felt was overwhelming. Now that I recognize that that was the underlying drive and feeling, I have been more relaxed, knowing I can find another place to dance if need be.

Similar to the constraining feelings of control- this piece on Stripper Economics was recently published by the Portland Mercury, and delves a little bit into the independent contractor versus employee issue. It’s a little flat, but decent coverage of how the work environment is in Portland clubs. It doesn’t seem like the reporter talked to many dancers, which is unfortunate.

In other sex work-related news, I am starting a sex worker support group through SWOC and my work. I am stoked about it! I have had some interesting conversations with various people about it, and I am really excited to have my first one in just over a week. If you’re in the Portland area, 18+, and currently working in the sex industry, feel free to get in touch if you’d like to attend.

This is Belle Knox’s most recent article; it’s fabulous. I love the term “whorearchy.” The sentiments she discusses are spot-on and exactly what I’ve felt the past couple years working in the industry myself. It’s also something I am wary of as I begin the support group: I want to make sure workers of all stripes feel included and respected within the group. Ideally I want the group to be a space of understanding and solidarity. Hopefully that’s what it becomes.

Domestic Violence & Open Relationships

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I have had the thought for quite some time, as I think many in the open relationship community have, that the values inherent to the open relationship and polyamory communities can go a long way in preventing gender based violence and domestic violence (here is the most recent piece I’ve seen). Those values go a long way in promoting egalitarian relationships and empower all partners involved to speak up about what they want and need. Nonviolent communication is one of those practices that many people in the open/poly communities practice.

But, I have also long wondered where the intersection is between domestic violence and open relationships: do those egalitarian and nonviolent principles mean that there are not any poly/open folks experiencing domestic violence? I can’t imagine that that is the case, although I am sure it is a tiny pool of people.

And today, at work, my supervisor got a call that very much sounds like a triad torn apart by domestic violence. When my supervisor was describing the call, she said “Yeah, she said it’s her and her partner- another woman- and it’s the guy they were dating that’s being abusive,” giving me this “what the heck” kind of look. The guy THEY were dating? It’s possible “dating” was code for a relationship with a pimp, but otherwise, the situation still made sense to me. I responded with, “Yeah I’ve wondered about that intersection for a while- the one between DV and open/poly relationships.” Her response: “I guess you’ve found it!”

I guess so, unfortunately. Assuming that one community has communication and boundaries down pat and flawless mental/emotional health is a recipe for disaster: nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. Assuming that wealthy people never experience DV or that poly people can’t possibly experience DV or that the queer community never experiences DV is all highly problematic: domestic violence cuts across all demographics.

I don’t feel excited to have heard about this caller- it is saddening and troubling, like all of the calls I receive or hear about. But I do feel satisfied knowing that at least there is someone at my agency who is poly aware and kink aware, who won’t be weirded out by a call like this one (me!). (I do know several other queer and sex work aware advocates, and several advocates who understand poly and kink, at other agencies. Yay!)

Abusers abuse, and I think it can be unfortunately easy to be manipulated and hurt in even a relationship that was once marked by honest communication. And while open relationships and poly relationships are marked by an intense level of honesty, openness, trust, and personal awareness, any relationship can be damaged by one person trying to gain power and control through violence and abuse.

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