It was stressful!
We were having a threesome. You were making me so hot. For some reason she was there. We were all drunk. And we were all happy and smiling and laughing. For a moment it was just her and I. She slid her cock inside me, and she came. I felt full and sticky. All of a sudden I felt myself come out of my reverie and I realized, Oh shit! We didn’t use a condom! How did that happen? You smiled at me, not realizing what had just happened. Slowly you made your way over to me, and started tracing your fingers along my legs. I realized you wanted to go down on me, but I couldn’t let you see how much cum I had in my pussy; you would be so hurt. I told you to hold on a minute, I need to go to the bathroom.
And then I made myself wake up.
Negotiating boundaries in new relationships has been super interesting for me. I’m so used to my relationship agreements and boundaries with J, that I’m having a hard time reigning myself in to be “more monogamous” with my new partner (if “more monogamous” is even a thing- maybe “less slutty” is more appropriate).
And it’s resulting in some interesting dreams- ones I think about all day.
I’ve dreamed about you since I last saw you. I used to stare at you, for four years, I stared at you. We never talked- maybe once or twice. I’m not sure what exactly about you I lusted after. But I dream about you still. Always delicious dreams. You tease me in my dreams, like you did unknowingly when we were 16. Sometimes my dreams became raunchy group sex scenes with you and all of your friends from high school, but you and I still do not interact.
Last night, though, this time, when I saw you, I grabbed your hand and ran with you into an empty room. We kissed, you grabbed my body, feeling it for the first time. I jumped up, you held me, my legs wrapped around your back. I felt ecstatic. The charge was electric. I was so turned on and wanted you so badly.
J was in another place, another room. Knew what I was doing, and was excited to hear about it later. Two close friends appeared, laughing at my ecstasy.
We stopped kissing, your eyes told me that it couldn’t go any further because you have a girlfriend. “Dream me” cared, but didn’t want to. Wanted to disregard the ethics of the situation. But you were resolute and that was okay. I was still riding the joy from taking charge, grabbing you, having you follow, kissing you.
I have been noticing new energy in my life the past few days. I feel “on”- turned on, integrated, joyful even when I’m feeling sad. Our two sexy friends came over last night to celebrate a birthday, and it was magnificently delicious. I’m crushing hard on another beautiful friend, and I love that feeling. And then these dreams I have- it’s like I get to continue to feel that charge through my sleep. I love it.
I have more questions as an answer:
Does it matter? Is it a requirement to figure out what a fantasy might “mean” in order to use it to achieve pleasurable, fun, and satisfying sexual experiences?
I worried for a hot minute a couple of years ago what my submission fantasies might mean. Did they mean I wasn’t a “real” feminist? Did it mean that I wanted to be dominated by men in my everyday life but that these desires were being sublimated into the sexual realm? I know for myself that this is not the case at all. My nonconsensual fantasies run in the same vein: I don’t actually want to be raped. It’s something to remain tenuous and ethereal. What about gangbang fantasies? While I have acted on them, I again have zero desire to actually be raped by multiple men at once. My desires are about sexual hunger and fulfillment with multiple people, about using my body to its maximum capacity.
Hotwife fantasies similarly get a lot of attention for where they might “come from” or what they “mean.” My question again is: what does it truly matter? If sex is consensual, pleasurable, and leads to growth or fun, then I’m not sure it really matters in order to have a good time.
I understand having curiosity about our fantasies, and while it would be magical to have some special deck of cards that told us what different sexual fantasies say about us as dreamers, it doesn’t exist. It’s up to you to paint the picture of desire and fulfillment and what it all means.
There was a great piece in my “Psychology Today” about daydreaming and fantasies, and how our daydreams are a strong force in shaping our goals and future. Past research suggested that people, children and adults alike, who daydream are distracted or lazy or have their heads in the clouds. More current research suggests the opposite: that folks who daydream have a rich inner voice to guide them through life, and that daydreaming is anything but a waste of time. (Whew!)
What are your current daydreams and fantasies and how are they shaping your life?
Here are mine:
-What to do with this house J and I bought. Short-term plans include re-painting the whole inside and refinishing the original hardwood floors. Longer-term plans include renovating the tiny bathroom and finishing the basement. What should the basement be? A pole studio? A sexy cave? A bedroom and living area? All of the above? I want to landscape the backyard- I’m so excited about sunbathing nude this summer!
-I want to start brewing my own kombucha! How Portland is that?! I keep thinking about getting the stuff I need to make it happen- mostly just some glass jars. And the infamous Mother (SCOBY) to start the brew.
-Where I am going to go from this job I’m in now. It’s a great launching pad so I’m excited about where I’ll launch myself to. I have dreams of having my own nonprofit that does counseling, workshops, support groups, and education around sexuality. Will I get into my MSW program? What will that be like?
-I love stripping now that my time is so crunched I can’t do it very often anymore. I daydream about dancing and when I can go work at the club next. I think about other kinds of sex work and sex worker advocacy and creating a support group for sex workers in the area.
-Who are the people I will meet this year? What new relationships and connections will I make?
Happy Weekend to All!