An Insider’s Guide to Hotwifing and Cuckolding

I wrote a post for DatingAdvice on hotwifing and cuckolding :)

Check it out!

An Insider’s Guide to Hotwifing and Cuckolding

My conclusion:

“Consider this:

Most of the new readers to my blog have arrived there because they were searching for things like “hotwifing,” “hotwife lifestyle” and “hotwife,” and my most popular posts are those on the subject.

Subreddits formed around the topic are flooded with conversation. Fetlife groups catered to the community are huge.

Search the M4MW on the casual encounters section of Craigslist and you’ll likely see a sizable group of people looking for encounters. Hotwife and cuckold porn are also common.

I think it’s taboo for men to admit they are turned on thinking about their girlfriends or wives having sex with someone else. Common worries, fears and questions I have heard include, “Does it mean they are less of a man? Or they have penis envy? Or they are gay?”

Breaking down those fears means breaking down cultural messages and assumptions related to gender identity, sexual orientation and patriarchy.

Similarly, it may be difficult for women to understand a male partner’s fascination with hotwifing or cuckolding, especially if she adheres to messages related to monogamy.

In any case, if you are turned on thinking about a partner of yours getting it on with another guy, please know you are not alone!

I think this fantasy and turn-on is probably one of the most common out there, and it is possible to explore it safely (emotionally, physically, sexually) both in your imagination and with a willing partner.”

What Do Fantasies Symbolize?

I have more questions as an answer:

Does it matter? Is it a requirement to figure out what a fantasy might “mean” in order to use it to achieve pleasurable, fun, and satisfying sexual experiences?

I worried for a hot minute a couple of years ago what my submission fantasies might mean. Did they mean I wasn’t a “real” feminist? Did it mean that I wanted to be dominated by men in my everyday life but that these desires were being sublimated into the sexual realm? I know for myself that this is not the case at all. My nonconsensual fantasies run in the same vein: I don’t actually want to be raped. It’s something to remain tenuous and ethereal. What about gangbang fantasies? While I have acted on them, I again have zero desire to actually be raped by multiple men at once. My desires are about sexual hunger and fulfillment with multiple people, about using my body to its maximum capacity.

Hotwife fantasies similarly get a lot of attention for where they might “come from” or what they “mean.” My question again is: what does it truly matter? If sex is consensual, pleasurable, and leads to growth or fun, then I’m not sure it really matters in order to have a good time.

I understand having curiosity about our fantasies, and while it would be magical to have some special deck of cards that told us what different sexual fantasies say about us as dreamers, it doesn’t exist. It’s up to you to paint the picture of desire and fulfillment and what it all means.

Hotwife Ethics

I came across this search time that someone used and then found my blog, and I’m not totally sure what was meant behind the phrase. But, I’ll take a stab at it anyway.

The ethics of hotwifing parallel the ethics of ethical nonmonogamy, at least in my experience.

Good experiences are built around transparency, honesty, communication, and consent. Hotwifing, one option part of the larger ethically nonmonogamous umbrella, requires all people involved to understand their motivations, desires, and role as best they can  in order to fully conceptualize and consent to the relationship- whether that relationship is a primary partnership, friends-with-benefits relationship, or fuck buddies relationship (and obviously other secondary or simply other relationships present- I mentioned the others since they seem to be more common in a hotwifing relationship dynamic).

More broadly speaking, hotwifing relationships are ethical if all parties involved want said relationship. If you are concerned about the ethics of nonmonogamous relationships (like how ethically nonmonogamous relationships go against the grain of social and religious norms), then I would suggest doing further reading and reaching out to folks practiced in the area.

More specifically, the hotwifing dynamic can introduce some special twists. Male primary partners and husbands often want to know specific details about an encounter, to hide in the house or room and watch or listen to a sexual encounter (without the other partner’s or bull’s knowledge), and sometimes an ability to vet or veto any potential partner (and also sometimes to ask for boundaries around emotional attachment to other partners). I think that these kinds of boundaries can pose some grey ethical boundaries depending on the context.

Is it ethical for the hotwife to bring home a one-night stand while her husband hides in the closet and watches and listens? What if that one-night stand turns into a regular partner? Can the husband continue to hide and watch/listen? Should the wife inform the other partner?

Similarly, is it ethical for the hotwife to divulge any and all details of a sexual encounter she had last night with a one-night stand to her husband? What if it’s with a regular friends-with-benefits?

On these issues, I tend to fall like this: If it’s a one-night stand, you owe the one-night stand your respect, honesty, and authenticity. If they ask you a question about your relationship, your safer sex practices, or how your male partner feels about something, you should answer honestly. Later, you can tell your husband everything (it’s also okay in my book if he was secretly present to watch or listen). However, if that one-night stand turns into something more long-standing, then the hotwife and/or husband have a responsibility to fully inform the other person of the degree to which the husband likes to be involved in the escapades, whether that is through voyeurism, participation, or in-depth knowledge. This gives the other person the ability to fully understand the relationship dynamics, his role, and therefore the ability to consent to the relationship. This also leads us to the possibility of a bull relationship (FWB or fuck buddy) turning into something more: making sure that your other partner understands any limits or boundaries around your relationship together will go quite a ways in preventing unnecessary heart ache.

Have any other specific questions about the ethics of hotwifing? Comment here or email me!

Have any thoughts about this? Comment and let me know!

Cuckolding/Hotwifing Post

For those of you interested in cuckolding, hotwifing, and other similar fantasies, this is an excellent post on the subject. The author also writes  a pretty fantastic blog called The Psychology of Human Sexuality; I recommend you check it out!

His post gives nice space to discussing sperm competition theory, which I love:

“Increasingly, scientists favor a biological explanation based on a growing body of work on sperm competition. Research shows that when one woman mates with several men, those men can display behavioral and biological changes intended to increase their likelihood of fertilizing her egg—without even realizing it. For example, when men masturbate to porn featuring multiple men having sex with the same woman, their ejaculate contains more active sperm than it does when they beat off to an all-female threesome, according to a 2005 study of 52 men. Other research has found that men report thrusting faster and deeper during sex when they suspect their female partner has cheated, presumably as a way of displacing rival sperm. These findings suggest the provocative possibility that men are “wired” to find cuckold scenarios arousing because they promote behaviors that help their own sperm win a raging intra-vaginal sperm war.”

Eroticization of People of Color

This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while. It’s such a huge topic and I am aware, that as a white woman, I can never do it justice. This also isn’t an exhaustive or academic-type post. This post includes only my personal reflections and perspective.

While I grew up in a pretty white town, it also had a sizable Hispanic and Hmong population. My first, longest, and most serious relationship in high school was with a guy who was of mixed race (Mexican and Filipino). I found our color difference sexy, appealing, intriguing, erotic, exotic. I was attracted to him for many reasons, and I know that his skin color, the shape of his eyes, his hair were all attractive to me because they were different that mine. I am sure that larger cultural messages surrounding the eroticization of people of color had impacted what I found sexy and desirable. There are so many examples of this, they are too many to count and name. And these messages have a long history, from colonization and the white people conquering “exotic” lands. (Black men are dangerous to white women, Black women are either the mammy or Jezebel, Asian women are frequently infantilized and sexualized, etc.) In any case, those attractions have not gone away for me.

I find many Black men (and women) attractive (let’s just stop me there for a minute. Because given where I grew up and where I live now, it’s not like I have large numbers of Black people in my social network. I don’t have a large number to go off of.) Because of our involvement in swinging and hotwifing, I have frequently thought about my personal eroticization of men of color in particular. I don’t know if I have any specific thoughts, except that I find myself wanting to make sure that I am still engaging in the same level of communication with my partners who are of color; I want to make sure I am not treating anyone differently because of their skin color. Because I have frequently lusted after Black men, I am hyper-aware of how I interact with my partners of color versus white partners: how much time do I want to spend talking versus fucking, and am I able to be communicative about my desires? I don’t want to become a white woman who only seeks “big, black cocks” (BBC). (For the record, BBC doesn’t seem to play into my attraction to Black men. It’s the skin color contrast. And, if I’m being totally honest, it also has to do with the fact that Black men are exotic to me in my white bread life.) I don’t want to disregard any potential for more-than-a-fuck-buddy type relationship simply because this partner is Black, and while he is sexy as hell and perfect for my sexual fantasies and desires, I’m not so sure I want more than that with him.

I remember reading this article about a year ago about cuckolding culture, and this piece is relevant to my post:

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“Other sites feature images ranging from semen dripping over wedding bands to ethereal caucasian goddesses standing next to black men in mirrored shades. The race thing is one of cuckolding’s more uncomfortable aspects. On most cuckolding sites, such as blacksonwives.com and myslutwife.com, there is an overwhelming preoccupation with “Mandingos,” or well-endowed black men. Similar racial parameters exist in the swinging community, as highlighted in Details magazine’s March article on “Mandingo parties” — interracial orgies arranged for single black men to have sex with white wives in front of their white husbands. The popularity of the orgies is buttressed by a two-prong fantasy: the white couple’s fetish for a “BBC” (big, black cock), and the Mandingo’s fetish for having sex with rich, white wives. All participants get something out of it, and a Mandingo even argues that interracial orgies are a by-product of multiculturalism and tolerance. But bigotry — and a dose of white guilt — lie at the heart of any racialized fetish: black men, despite their “superior” sexual prowess, are debased and eroticized, and believed to pose less of a threat because the wives would supposedly never date them.

The cucks I interviewed denied having a preference for Mandingos, but would eventually admit some sort of racialized, if not racist, baggage. Bob, a forty-seven-year-old caucasian male, says he found a relationship through an online ad posted by a woman pursuing black bulls. “I emailed her because I was hoping to fall in love with a sexual white woman who does black guys,” he says. “We hooked up and it was really wild.”

“In American cuckold culture,” he adds, “it’s the white couple that has black bulls. There’s a notion that black men are better-endowed, and the whole idea of white men getting off on feeling sexually inferior to black men.”

A Black-Puerto Rican bull I interviewed does not answer white couples’ ads because “they tend to be more rigid in terms of what they look for in a bull,” he says. “If you’re a black bull, you’d better fit the mold of what the stereotypical black guy is. To them, he’s a cornrow-wearing thug or basketball player. They’re more into the fantasy — the big, black Mandingo.”

“Most black men are not offended by the stereotype that they’re well-hung,” he continues. “But what gets on my nerves is when the ad says, ‘We want a gold-toothed, baggy-pants type,’ or, ‘We want you to look like Allen Iverson or Usher.’ You know what? The typical bull on Craigslist is not going to look like Usher, so get over your stereotype and deal with it.”

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My most recent encounter with this topic, in the reverse, went along the lines of:

I was giving a private dance to a Hispanic man from CA, who happens to be from the same area I am from. “White women are the best.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Black women, Hispanic women- they don’t even come close. White women- they’re the sexiest.”

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. It was my first intimate sexual encounter with racism. (that I can remember)

It’s one thing to me to notice particular attractions and erotic fantasies based on race. It’s another to classify entire groups of people as “sexy” and “not sexy” based on their race. But then I ask myself: is that what I have done? Can I help it? How do I ensure that I have equitable intimate relationships informed both by a sense of desire and lust and fantasy, and by a sense of social justice and explicit communication?

PS: I am nervous writing and publishing this post. I am aware that this topic (racism, sexualization of people of color) is deep and sensitive. I also think I will never get it quite right. So if you read something that offended you or struck a nerve, please let me know as I want to continue to learn and right my mistakes.

Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time

This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:

-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that experience here)… that just means we will have to do another filming session ;)

-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure :)

-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been much communication between J and his parents about whether we were coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that evening. I finally received a minor bid (albeit full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.

-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love you!

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Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme

My next blog post went live on MultipleMatch: Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme.

I loved writing this one. Check it out! :D

Here’s an excerpt:

I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me, pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.

Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy, although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be great. David Ley’s Insatiable Wives offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.

A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her.

I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having condom-free sex with other men.