Keeping Score?

Someone on FB posted this a week ago, and I found it pretty interesting and entertaining:

Why I Keep a Spreadsheet of Everyone I’ve Slept With

It was sort of funny to read, because when J and I were “celebrating” our first year of having an open relationship, I decided I wanted to make a spreadsheet of all of the people we had met in the open community, and whether we had had a romantic, sexual, and/or friendship type of relationship with them. I did it chronologically and systematically. I felt like I was being an excavator of my own wild sexual self, uncovering and reliving all of the memories we had made. It was also helpful in remembering all of the lessons I had learned from each person we had encountered.

I haven’t kept up that list but it’s still an interesting idea to me. And the author brings up several points that resonated with me. For one, even if I had a casual sexual relationship with someone/people, it was an intimate experience that we shared. I don’t walk around the streets naked and I don’t share my vulnerable, sexual self with everyone. Undressing and showing people how to pleasure me and learning how to pleasure them is an intimate act, even if the emotional and mental connection isn’t sufficient enough for me to call it “intimate sex.”

Like Barry expresses: “Sex is still an intimate experience for me, even if at times the circumstances in which I’m having it are casual. I form a connection with those I sleep with, and there’s a fundamental respect I have for all of them. I tend to remain friends with those I’ve hooked up with, or at the very least amicable.”

And, for me, the process of legitimately keeping track is not about belt-notching/quantity/numbers. It’s about having a way to really keep track of the connections I have made, lost, and regained with people.

What do you think? Is keeping track (and not just in your head, but on paper) who you have sex with, had a relationship with, dated, etc a neutral act? Or does it introduce some kind of score-keeping into the intimate landscape of relationships that shouldn’t be there?

HUMP! 2013

My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! 😀

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):

hump lineup 2013

My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren’t aware (from Wikipedia):

“The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished.”

Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that 😉

Jacuzzi Tub: Where It’s At

I don’t know if I have used a jacuzzi tub before, and if I have, I certainly had never used one like I used one tonight.

J and I had showered together, and it was pretty routine: share the water, shampoo, soap, scrub, wash face, rinse, smack each other’s asses, kiss a little. And then the chemistry that I feel with him came rushing over me, the burning want-you sensation in my abdomen and pussy.We started making out more and more. I knelt down, started sucking his cock, taking him in deeper and deeper into my mouth. We switched positions, and my pussy has never felt so good. I half-pulled him back up and turned around, guiding his cock into my aching pussy. He pounded me, coming closer and closer to coming. Every so often he would pull out and rub my clit so I come come, melting with the hot water.

gustav-klimt-water-serpents-2

He left for a moment to grab a cock sheath, and we started filling up the tub. My heart was pounding, my pussy aching for more. Sometimes it takes a lot of warm-up in order for me to take a cock sheath, but not so much tonight. I wanted it. After J slid his sheath on, we resumed our standing doggy style position, and he pounded me harder, faster, harder.

I had J sit on the edge of the tub so I could slide down onto his cock riding him hard, up and down, back and forth. We made out, he slapped my ass, pulled my hair.

Then, the part that made me hottest: J sat in the tub, and I got on top of him. The buoyancy of the water, the jets and bubbles: they were all too much for me to handle. J’s cock and the sheath were making my pussy wetter and wetter, pulsating more and more with every motion I exerted. Before long I was rubbing my clit furiously, coming harder and harder, shuddering with the desire for this man I love and want.

I wanted J’s come inside me, to fill me up. I whispered dirty things to him, fantasies of ours we share, and I told him what I wanted him to do to me. We even role played a little, the first time ever.

Thank you Seattle, for a fabulous vacation. Thank you jacuzzi tub, for making my hot sex even hotter.

Hot Springs

J and I had plans this weekend to meet up with some open friends at some hot springs near Portland. While, for whatever reason, we didn’t end up running into them, he and I had a pretty fantastic time together.

I had class all day and was super exhausted. But J packed us dinner and offered to drive there and back. We had a nice time talking with each other in the car- I like to talk his ear off about all of my cool psychology and counseling stuffs 🙂 We were able to see amazingly beautiful fall color on our drive. Even seeing the color from the car was refreshing. Our short hike to the hot springs was quiet and lovely.

Once we found a tub to use, we both stripped and got in the tub naked (despite new rules that the outside tubs are not clothing-optional; we heeded the advice of some regulars who asserted that going nude was the way to go). We had a lovely time together: massaging each other, stroking each other… J even fingered me and made me come, and I got him hard several times while we whispered dirty things to each other.

[Despite the multitude of smokers there, who eventually drove us out with their second-hand smoke, we did enjoy ourselves.]

Another fabulous part? After our satisfying walk back to the car, we got into the backseat, tore off our clothes, and did it in the car like a couple of teenagers. J and I haven’t had sex in a car in… years. It was really awesome. We got the windows foggy, I rode him, he rubbed my clit. It was hot.

A rejuvenating end to a long week. Thank you my love.

 

Being Lovers & Not Having Sex

This article was recently posted in my FB Open group, and it sparked a number of thoughts for me:

1. Having a bunch of people that I can be physically (but not necessarily sexually) close with sounds really lovely. Luckily, I feel like I have that. I feel like I have a number of people I can hold hands with, sit close next to, hug, and massage. I love that.

2. I don’t need to “combine stuff” in order to be sexual with someone (I know my regular readers/friends who read my blog already know this about me). But this article again brought up this question for me: What is it about sex for some people that necessitates so much integration with another person before you can have sex? I have theories about individual experiences with sex that could produce this conclusion (insecurities, trauma, personal philosophy, etc.), but this train of thought just doesn’t really resonate with me.
-There’s also the distinction between combining practical life “stuff” (finances, living space, etc.) and intra/interpersonal “stuff” (cognitive, emotional, spiritual, etc.). My perspective still holds, regardless of which “stuff” we’re talking about- that is, I don’t need to be able to “combine stuff” to have a meaningful, enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship with someone. (Although I understand that for various reasons, some people need to combine various “stuffs” to make their sexual relationships meaningful, enjoyable, and satisfying.)

3. To me, this article was written by someone who values very deep one-on-one interactions with others. Not all of us have the same value structure in our lives around relationships- some of us (and I suppose I am talking about myself here) value a mix of relationships- deep, close, more superficial, casual, etc- in our lives. Each type of relationship adds something important to my life.

4. Also for me: love is present in all of these types of relationships. The intensity varies, the meaning of the relationship varies, the ties I feel to each relationship varies. But love is always there.

What are your thoughts?

A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps

After J and I saw “Breaking Through” we stopped off at our swingers’ club to meet up with a sexy friend. 

I think my blog post title really sums my feelings from the evening:
A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps.

Maybe that isn’t always true, but I think it might be (for me)!

It was just a sexy night. I rarely drink, but last night I got nice and buzzed and really felt like my inhibitions were lowered (not that I needed them to be- but it was still fun). My friend and I made out and groped each other, and after not too long, I took him into a room. Delicious oral sex, lots of coming, and lots of pounding ensued. It was so fun! And such a release, so cathartic.

And then coming home with J, and doing that again complete with dirty talking and my Hitachi. Sometimes I feel like my life is so delicious, it just makes me want to laugh and cry.

And then I wake up the next morning, after a kind of crappy day yesterday, and think to myself: I fucking got this. I am ME and I’ll do what feels right! And if it’s being a kick-ass therapist who has different ideas about sexuality and relationships and a different way of operating and a different environment she wants to work in, so be it. I got this.

Recent Thoughts on Sex & Love

I have been thinking about all of this for a couple of months, and different things are gelling for me right now. Just a smattering of thoughts:

1- It is strange for me to encounter value judgements on different kinds of sex. For instance, in the small reading I have done on chakras, it seems that “tantric” sex is deemed the “highest” or “best” kind of sex. 

2- And yet, I have also been realizing, that for me: casual sex can be hot for certain encounters, but otherwise it is just kind of entertaining as an activity. Like watching a great movie.


3- They are each satisfying in their own way. I don’t think I would ever be satisfied with only tantric-like sex or only casual sex. Both feed me in different ways, both contribute to my sexual satisfaction and sexual identity.

4- Tantric-like and casual sex aren’t a binary, but define a spectrum for me. Depending on the connection with the person and the context and the meaning within the relationship, different experiences will fall at different points on that spectrum.5- I love Aggie Sez’s article on “Riding the relationship escalator.” Just, love it. Even though I have been in a primary relationship, and enjoy the coupled relationship I have, I have been aggravated for the past couple of years trying to navigate how non-escalator relationships can look and act like. And aggravated when, in trying to figure out for myself what that non-escalator can look like, I frustrate others I am trying to relate to.

6- For me, love is distinct from the relationship model within which I find it. For instance, I deeply love J and have also decided within the past seven years that I feel compatible enough with him to have a long-term relationship. In other cases, I can feel sweet, intense, caring, passionate, friendly, fiery, gentle, or another kind of love for someone, see all the ways that we are compatible as friends, play partners, lovers, or some other kind of partner, and see all the ways that we aren’t compatible to be a different kind of partner. For me, loving someone is not an indicator of the “seriousness” of the relationship. I think love is serious, but I also find it so easy to love another person, and I have been able to divorce loving feelings from needing to fit within the “right” relationship model (I have recognized the need to get off the relationship escalator if I am going to continue feeling love for other people- at least, I think I have been able to do this).