Passionate Marriage

My clinical supervisor recommended I pick up one of David Schnarch’s books, so when I found Passionate Marriage in an Ashland bookstore, I decided I’d give it a try.

Main points:

  • I couldn’t finish it. I found his tone pretentious, and lines that insinuated the AIDS epidemic to be a good thing for its encouragement of monogamy to be in poor taste. 
  • His infused sex and marital therapy model is based on the construct of differentiation, as utilized in Bowen’s family systems theory. Basically: the more that each partner in a relationship is differentiated (able to truly speak their minds and be themselves in a relationship, and able to self-soothe and self-regulate) the likelier it is that a couple’s erotic and sex life will be truly intimate and passionate. I buy some of this, for sure. He also argues an interesting point: the more important a partner becomes in one’s life, one’s level of differentiation must also increase. Otherwise, a relationship will inevitably become “emotionally fused” which leads to a whole host of issues.
  • He argues that intimacy is NOT “good communication”, reciprocal disclosure, and other-validation. Rather, he argues intimacy comes from and includes conflict, unilateral disclosure, and self-validation. Expanding from the concept of differentiation, he argues that we are not actually intimate with our partners if we are constantly relying on them for validation and to always be in agreement; true intimacy comes when we are brave enough to be ourselves even when our partners do not agree with us. We experience intimacy when we can stand to be truly seen and to truly see our partners. 
  • The whole middle section is when I lost my momentum with the book. He describes three or four methods in which couples can begin to experiment with methods to increase intimacy in erotic and sexual situations. I got bored, honestly.
  • There was no discussion of nonmonogamy, and implicit in his description of “emotionally intimate” relationships is the assumption that those relationships are also monogamous.

Pick it up if you’re interested. I give it a 3/5 for for some thought-provoking insights, and for the recognition that I think some of the book that I didn’t like could be quite compelling to others. Maybe I’ll pick it up again in a few years.

Superstitious

I’m sitting/sweating in my 83* kitchen, with a bowl of orange chicken courtesy of Costco, listening to Stevie Wonder’s “Superstitious.”

Something deep has shifted for me this summer. Something deep inside has shifted in a way that will never shift back to a “before.” There is only “now” (and the “future,” which I could never predict anyway).

This week I’ve eaten: Chicken burrito. BshelovesmeshelovesmenotBQ kettle chips. A truly insane amount of 85% dark chocolate. Green chile chicken sausages. A disgusting amount of mac ‘n cheese. Malted ice cream. And now the orange chicken. I’m PMSing, to be sure, but also going through the most unique “break up” that I’ve experienced.

Pretty much everyone who cares about me could have (and did) predicted that I’d be here now, three months later, a bit heartbroken and (yes, still) confused as fuck. It was still worth it, and maybe it’s not entirely over. (If she’d text me back, I could get on with that conversation).

Besides feeling heartbreak over someone who didn’t even think of us as “dating,” (despite sleepovers, falling asleep in each other’s arms, kissing, having emotionally and mentally intimate conversations, and being treated like each other’s “daters”- introductions to friends and families and touching lower backs in front of people) this summer has also been a witness to:

-My desire to have my own bedroom. I’m moving up into the attic! J, you can do whatever you want with that front bedroom.

-Conversations with our best friends about them moving into our basement. Communal living has never been more appealing to me.

-My concrete realization that touch and time are too important to me to go without in relationships.

-My sister and her girlfriend becoming engaged, and several other friends getting married or engaged.

-My decision to leave my full time job in lieu of teaching (continuing on with Human Sexuality and adding Women’s Reproductive Health) and dancing and continuing on with school.

-Intense community (dis)engagement in my local sex worker community.

-The closing of Club Sesso in Portland. So so so so much sadness over that.

-Further questioning of what it means to be queer, poly, communicative, assertive, and respectful. Why have I now met so many, and felt the attitude from others, that you can’t really be a woman who loves other women if you also love men? I don’t like it.

-Questioning unhealthy and abusive dynamics in relationships that are close to me.

-Some continued self-acceptance, appreciation, and love for myself and my physical body.

-Questioning of the importance of sex (shocking perhaps- especially if you are a longtime reader of mine). Specifically- witnessing the development of the feeling of romantic love without sex happening in a relationship. I’m still letting that sift through my brain.

-Reading a few books, all of which I would recommend- Janet Mock’s memoir on growing up trans, Redefining Realness; Sarah Katherine Lewis’ memoir on her work in the sex industry, Indecent; and local Sarah Mirk’s Sex From Scratch. I’m also in the middle of both of Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly.

-My overhaul of my OKC account. I even bought the stupid A-list membership so I could change my username.

When I opened my computer, I felt excited- I haven’t let myself have this kind of down-time in so long. And enough down-time to where I have the energy and interest in blogging. I want to do it like I used to do it. And maybe I will, but like I said at the beginning, there can never be a “before.” There is only “now,” and for today, right now I am doing this thing that I love.

I hope all of your summers have been rich and full heart-achey and full of learning and longing and love. Hopefully I will see you all soon.

Another Anniversary to Celebrate

Today marks one year since J and I celebrated our relationship with a fantastic ceremony and party. I can’t believe a whole year has passed- again. Time flies when you are having fun- it’s so, so true. I want to keep our September anniversary as our first date anniversary, and I love having our April 1 opening up anniversary. And it’s really fun to have a wedding anniversary and an anniversary to celebrate when we got legally married.

Truly, we could be celebrating every day over some milestone that has happened for our relationship. And for that, I am so grateful.

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I absolutely love having J in my life and getting to share my life with someone so intimately. I love building a home and waking up next to him and finding new sexy friends to explore things with and going to the nude beach and walking our dog and trying a new fitness video with him- and so much more. I love living with my life partner, and I feel so joyful in my current relationship circumstances with him. Thank you J for another great year. You are my rock and I love you so much!

In thinking about long term relationships, what is important to you? Do you prefer to live with your partners? Do you want to combine finances, share benefits, plan for vacations away together? Do you prefer to sleep every night with them in the same bed? Do you want to get legally married? Do you ever want to have a ceremony with friends and family? How much separateness and closeness sounds ideal to you? Do you want weekly date nights? How do you share love and affection? How will continue to give appreciation for a partner that feels so familiar? How will you negotiate the inevitability of being attracted to others?

May we all continue to negotiate our intimate and long term relationships with honesty, grace, peace, and love.

Queer Models, Weddings, Pussy

My fave links this past week:

I love me some queer hot mamis: 20 Out Models We Love

Guess which kind of wedding J and I had: Every Wedding You Will Ever Attend: A Field Guide

The next video in asking strangers to do stuff with each other; I can’t help but love it: The Director Behind the “First Kiss” Video Is Back with “Undress Me”

I personally want one of her pussy phone covers. And I hope the attention brought to her arrest helps bring the irony to light: Japanese Artist Megumi Igarashi Arrested for 3D Printed Artwork Based on Her Vagina (nsfw)

On explicit, proactive communication, invisible fences, and fuzzy landmines: How to (not) trip/blow up poly relationships | SoloPoly

And, for those of you into reading academic-y, philosophical things related to sex, relationships, identity, and sex work: Philosophy of Sex

Unreasonable People & Lies

I love my “Psychology Today” magazine. There are always pieces that feel relevant to me and my life, and always pieces that are thought-provoking.

This past issue had a couple of pieces that prompted this post. One, on MLK, discussed MLK’s likely manic-depressive personality, which fueled his assertion that: “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” To me, this is another [lovely] way of saying that social justice marches forward because of people who are willing to push the edges of norms and disrupt dominant discourse. To the dominant group, someone who questions norms looks “maladjusted,” when really, they simply have a different perspective on the world. Their “adjustment” to life is different. And difference creates change.

The cover article was about how our lives can be drastically shaped by the lies that we keep. Written by a woman who was married, and stay married, to a closeted gay man during the 60s and 70s, it discussed how keeping a lie will mold our internal and external experiences with ourselves and others. I appreciated this particular passage:

“We all have the unique ability to narrate our experiences-to ourselves. We are constantly processing and shaping the information that comes to our brains from our bodies and our senses. We organize all that input into narratives, which form the backbone of our identity. Some of them are about the past, others are about the present, and we use that same technique to imagine the future. In this way we can massage the chaos of our lives and transform it into our stories. This continuous conversation, much of which is unconscious, allows us to eliminate dangerous options. It helps us imagine survival strategies and even make good risk-taking decisions. These narratives are not immutable-they change as our experiences change-but they are fundamental. You have to reassemble your identity in a way that accounts for the new information.”

I’ve thought about how keeping stripping more of a secret has shaped my identity. Has it made me more guarded or closed off? Has it made me jittery or hyper-vigilant or anxious? Has it given me space and room to explore myself without informing everyone around me about my experiences? Are there perhaps both pros and cons in keeping a secret? How has my secret impact J and his internal state and his relationships?

Do you have any secrets that have impacted your identity and sense of self? What has your experience been like?

Lust & Marriage

I had the privilege of witnessing this fabulous production, “Lust & Marriage.” A good friend recommended I attend, and I am so glad that I did. I would even go back next weekend to see it again.

I felt like this woman practically wrote my story (minus Burning Man and taking ecstasy and other drugs). She pulled out so many recognizable names and concepts, so many familiar emotions and experiences. (Dan Savage, Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, The Giving Tree)

I was sitting there, front row, and in the first 20 minutes, I thought:

If only I had this play to watch when I was in high school.

What lessons I would have gained when I was younger, what connections I would have made, what connections would have become less entrenched.

We need metaphors and art and expression like this. We need it desperately. It’s one thing for me to sit here on my couch and blog about how I feel and think and what I want and need. Verbal processing only gets me so far. I also need to the non-verbal: the drawing, the dancing, and the watching. Watching someone else tell a story in such a beautiful and genuine way. It almost made me cry on the way home.

Go see it, and if you can’t, stay on the lookout for future productions!

Value of Relationships

It was 11:42pm (or something like that) on Christmas Eve when I saw my best friend from high school calling; she had already called once and left a message I hadn’t yet listened to. I’m tired, I need to go brush my teeth, I thought and was about to let her go to my voicemail again. Rapidly, I realized why she must be calling: They got engaged. My intuition turned out to be correct.

My BFF and her BF have been together since high school and haven’t dated hardly at all outside of dating each other (that’s something like 8 years I think, with a couple of short breaks during college). And now, they are getting married. They both have huge families, and I imagine their wedding will be fairly big. Their engagement photos have been on Facebook, and many people have shown them support and love. I am sure the encouragement will continue for the rest of their relationship.

Last week, I had the privilege of witnessing my cousin and her girlfriend get married. While they have known each other for about a year (I think!), they have dated for about 4-5 months. Her family has been extremely un-supportive, and while it could be amplified by the brevity of their relationship, the lack of support is more due to the fact that it’s a same sex relationship. My cousin has a much smaller online social network, giving the appearance that, in comparison to my friend, her relationship is far less supported by those in her community. Her celebration was small (there were about 16 of us in attendance), but mighty in spirit.

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These two relationships couldn’t be more different in how they appear and how the two individuals came to know one another and how the two decided to get married.

What do they have in common and do they have the same value? Who decides?

For all that other people like to talk and gossip about others’ relationships, isn’t up to those actually in the relationships to determine their worth and value? No one knows better about what relationships are important to them and why and how they want to display them and celebrate them.

Love is love. And we should all encourage, support, and validate LOVE.